“You have to get some sleep, Bailey,” I said, my voice sounding funny to my own ears.
“With you,” she begged, jumping up and down a bit, her face crumpling into tears.
“Sweetie, this is a bed for you,” I tried again, not wanting her arms around my neck again.
“With you, Cam, with you.” The sight of her face turning red broke through my defenses, and I reached for her despite my internal protests. The instant I had her high enough, she buried her face in my neck as she cried.
“Oh, Bailey, it will be okay,” I whispered.
In that instant, with her head planted against my skin and her tears soaking the front of my v-neck t-shirt, I was insanely jealous of that three-year-old. What I wouldn’t have given to have a similar response for myself – someone to hold me and allow me to cry against their shoulder and just tell me it would be alright. I was sitting in the crib of life alone, swallowed by uncertainty and fear.
“I’ll stay with you, Bailey,” I assured her. “I’ll stay with you. I promise.” She seemed to relax a bit, and I placed my hand against the back of her head, trying to soothe her. With one last look at the crib, I turned and took her from the room, headed toward my own bedroom. Attempting to place her on the bed, I lowered a bit, but her arms held my neck like a vice grip. Rather than pry her away, I hit the play button for the music on the nightstand and straightened again, gently swaying to the beat as I held her in my arms. It only took a couple seconds to realize Michael Bublé possessed the voice coming out of the speakers. That realization nearly sent me into a downward spiral, because I had purposely put other choices into rotation. If Bublé was singing, it meant Cole had placed the music in there himself. In a second of perfect clarity of memory, I saw Cole singing to me after the fireworks that night, holding his guitar as he smiled up at me.
“Jay,” Bailey stated, snuggling against my chest. Her interruption gave me a momentary reprieve from my emotion, and I pressed a kiss softly against the top of her head.
“What does that mean?” I wondered aloud. She leaned back and looked up into my face, her hazel eyes shining brightly.
“Sing in Jay’s truck,” she answered. “Jay sing.”
“This music?” I clarified.
“Uh-huh.”
So Jake had a habit of playing Michael Bublé songs in his truck. The mere suggestion set my face aflame, and I quickly reached over to shut off the sounds.
“Why don’t we just settle in, okay?” I asked her, sitting on the edge of the bed. “If you like, you can sleep here right next to me.”
She didn’t answer, but cuddled against me, her little fingers resting on my cheek. For a moment, I stared at her peaceful face, eyes closed like a tiny cherub settled at my side. A brief smile crossed my lips, but then the truth bubbled up inside me like a cruel joke.
My daughter would never rest next to me in my bed.
My daughter’s breath would never brush against my cheek.
My daughter would never reach her arms to me or settle her face against my neck.
My daughter would never call me Mommy.
Bailey rolled a bit, her face tilted in the other direction, her back pressed against me as she breathed with the heavy sound of sleep. No longer alone in my bed, I remained awake soaking that beautiful little girl’s hair with my tears and pondering the improbability of having her warmth beside me.
-§-
“Cam?” I heard, and I attempted to pry a tired and raw eye open. “Cam awake?”
“No, but I can be,” I muttered, propping myself up on my elbows. “What’s wrong, Bailey?”
“Day,” she said simply. Managing to fully rouse myself, I looked at the window to see that she was correct.
“So it is,” I agreed, sitting taller and stretching the stiffness out of my limbs. “I wonder where your dad went. Surely he should have been back by now.” She looked at me as though I had grown another head suddenly, and I rethought my sentence. “I mean, I wonder where Jake is.”
“Jay come to get me later,” she answered confidently.
Gosh, I hope so.
“Okay, so, what do you do when you wake up, Bailey?” I began, rising to my feet. “I like to brush my teeth first thing. Do you brush your teeth, too?”
“No,” she said with a little laugh, putting her hands on either side of her face. “Me pee.”
“Oh, of course. Let’s go to the bathroom, then.”
Hurriedly crossing to the bathroom, I attempted to pull her leggings off, but there was a huge bulge under there where her underwear should have been.
“You wear diapers,” I blurted, staring at her with surprise.
“Pull-em ups,” she told me proudly, crossing her arms. “I’m big girl.”
“Yes, you are,” I agreed quickly. “You’re a very big girl. Daddy didn’t… I mean, Jake didn’t leave anything. I don’t know what to do.” Grabbing the sticky strips at the sides of her big girl diaper, she ripped it loose, holding it out to me like a prize.
“Stinky goes in trash.”
Oh, sick. If you’re old enough to take off your own diaper, maybe you’re old enough to use the toilet.
“Just stay right there, okay?” I pointed at her, as though I could glue her to that spot with my finger. “I’m going to call Jake.” With a sense of urgency, I crossed over to my phone, picking it up and searching for her father’s number. It only rang twice before I heard his voice.
“Camdyn, I’m sorry – I should have called already.”
“Is everything okay?” The thought that something could have gone wrong hadn’t occurred to me until that instant, and I felt a little guilty about being so concerned about a little pee.
“Yeah, he’s going to be fine,” he was quick to say. “It wasn’t just an easy cast – he had to have surgery, but he’s in recovery now, and the doctor said it went well.”
“That’s great,” I added, somewhat relieved. So many things had been going wrong lately, it was nice to have some good news for a change. “Oh, the reason I called is because Bailey wears diapers.”
“Um, okay.”
“You didn’t leave me anything, Jake. She’s standing here with her behind hanging in the wind.”
A chuckle resounded through the phone, and I smiled at the humor in the situation. “I’m sorry. I was so frazzled last night I must have kept her bag in the truck. I’ll figure something out, Camdyn.”
He sounded weary and a little upset, and I didn’t want to cause him any more consternation when he had been awake all night, by the sound of things.
“You know what? I’ll figure things out, Jake. Don’t worry about it.”
He laughed, and I could almost see that dimple in his cheek on the other end of the phone. “You’re an angel, you know that? I don’t deserve you, Camdyn.”
That seemed like an awfully strange thing to say, but seeing how he was probably drowsy and half out of his mind with worry about his dad, I chose to ignore it.
“That’s what friends do, Jake. They show up for each other.”
“I know, Camdyn, and you’re a heck of a friend after last night.”
Glancing at little Bailey standing pants-less in the bathroom, I suddenly had a realization. “You stopped calling me heartbreaker.”
“What?”
“You called me Camdyn last night, and you’ve been using my name during this entire phone conversation.”
“Really?” his normal teasing tone returned to his voice. “Sorry about that, heartbreaker. Mental lapse. Won’t happen again.”
“Just see that it doesn’t,” I joked, shaking my head. “I’m going to go find your daughter some underwear, or a dish towel, or something. Don’t worry about her.”
“I’m not, thanks to you,” he acknowledged. “See you in a bit, heartbreaker.”
Setting the phone on the nightstand, I watched that little girl as she shook her bare behind back and forth, watching herself in the mirror. Stifling a laugh, I crossed to my clothing looking fo
r a suitable temporary solution.
-§-
About two hours later, Bailey and I found ourselves in the diaper aisle of the drug store, her little hand tucked safely inside mine. Her leggings looked a little bumpy underneath, but I figured it probably resembled the look of an actual diaper, so no worries. If anyone would have guessed she was actually wearing a pair of my underwear with a sanitary napkin tucked inside, they would have likely admired my ingenuity.
Nevertheless, we bought a small package of “big girl pull-em ups” and one rather large lollipop before we were on our way. As we were driving through the small town with Bailey perched atop three towels (I was interested in being safe, after all, and was not in possession of any kind of car seat), she whined that she was hungry.
You would stink as a mother. Driving around without a car seat and not feeding your kid.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I directed my car to the parking lot of the café, helping Bailey out of her seatbelt and then stepping inside. She looked up as the bells jingled on our arrival, and I swooped her to the bathroom, hastily swapping out my pathetic excuse for a diaper for the real thing, just in case there should be an incident. Coming out of the restroom, I directed her to a booth by the window, where she insisted that she sit on my lap.
“Well, who do we have here?” Rita asked as she stepped up to greet us, smiling down at the little girl perched on my legs.
“This is Miss Bailey,” I stated cheerily, placing my hand against her arm. “She’s Jake’s daughter.”
“Jake’s daughter?” The quizzical raise of Rita’s eyebrows made me slightly uncomfortable, and I felt rather defensive.
“He was watching her this weekend, but his dad had a minor accident so they’re at the hospital,” I began. “He’s fine, though, and Bailey’s just hanging out with me until he comes home.”
“I see,” Rita continued. “Well, Bailey, what do you like? Pancakes? Eggs? Cinnamon roll?”
“Minna roll,” Bailey stated excitedly, taking one of my hands between both of hers as though I was her possession.
“One big cinnamon roll, then,” I agreed, “and a glass of milk for my friend as well.”
“Sure thing,” Rita answered, giving me a gentle smile.
We sat there for about forty-five minutes, Bailey popping the pieces of the cinnamon roll into her mouth while she alternated coloring on a piece of paper Rita had given her and smiling up at me with melted sugar on her cheeks. Afterwards, I took her back to the house where I bundled her in one of my jackets, rolling up the sleeves so we could play catch with one of Cole’s baseballs. She couldn’t catch very well, but the laughter she expressed when she managed to fling the ball in my direction made it worth it.
Then, we played tag with Pop and ran around the yard, her giggling and me keeping Pop from knocking her to the dirt. As we meandered toward the back of the yard, she inched toward the tree line, pointing at a well-worn path.
“We go?” she asked, looking at our jogging trail. I figured it wouldn’t hurt anything, so I grabbed her underneath her outstretched arms and hoisted her onto my hip, taking her down that familiar lane.
We emerged at the back where the trail became less-traveled and wandered toward the edge of the property, and Pop automatically went in the direction of our makeshift graveyard, accustomed to my daily visits. Without much thought, I followed him mindlessly as we made our way to that familiar place, cognizant of Bailey’s head resting on my shoulder. By the time I made it to the bench, she was sound asleep.
Settling against the wooden seat, I gazed down at my little stone with the “A” etched atop, and then squeezed the little girl on my lap to my chest a little tighter. My heart constricted a bit, and I struggled to let my breath escape normally. The unfair bluntness of life settled over me, and I fought down my annoyance that Jake had this beautiful girl who was unplanned and unexpected, and yet here she was, alive and snuggled against my chest while my own child was in the dirt a few feet in front of us.
Sensing that my emotions would quickly get the better of me, I stood and shifted Bailey in my arms, heading back to the house with determination. She began to feel rather heavy before I traveled the entire distance, and I thought with a pang that Cole would have carried her himself, had he been home with me.
By the time I emerged into the yard, my arms were stinging from the pain of her weight, and I shifted her again, ready to be back in the comfort of my home so I could settle her somewhere and stretch my aching limbs. As I rounded the last tree, though, and the entire setting of our homestead came into view, Jake’s truck was sitting in the driveway. Unwittingly breathing a sigh of relief, I walked as quickly as possible to the front of the house, where I found him standing on the porch.
“Jake,” I blurted, begging him to help me with my eyes. After a split second of stunned silence, he stepped forward and plucked his daughter from my arms, at which point she roused and lifted her head expectantly.
“Jay,” she said sleepily. “Pop go?” Pop must have heard her mention his name, because he was immediately underneath her, whining and spinning around. Jake plopped her to the ground, and she started jumping around the dog playfully.
“I can’t thank you enough, heartbreaker,” Jake said, watching Bailey as she ran in a circle beside Pop. “I wouldn’t have bothered you if Alexis had been nearby, but it looks like you two had a good time.”
“Yeah, she’s a doll,” I answered quietly.
“Listen, Camdyn, I’m really sorry about the baby,” he continued quietly, glancing at Bailey again. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say.”
“That was perfect,” I told him, offering a sad smile. It didn’t escape my notice that he had abruptly given up the nickname again.
“Where the devil is Cole, anyway?” The wind picked up a notch, and I crossed my arms protectively against my abdomen.
“He’s gone.”
“Well, he picked a pretty bad time to leave, with everything going on. I hope whatever he had planned was important.”
Shaking my head and looking toward the driveway, I sucked in a difficult breath and swallowed hard. “He hadn’t planned anything, Jake. Cole left me.”
“That’s really not funny,” he concluded, giving me a gruff stare.
“No, it’s not. He’s been gone for three days.”
“What…why would he do that?”
“He couldn’t do it anymore, he said.”
“Do what?” He took a step closer, and I struggled not to let the tears stinging my eyes make themselves any more pronounced.
“Live with me, I guess.”
“Aw, no, that can’t be true, Camdyn,” he stated, reaching up to brush an escaped tear away from my cheek. “Cole’s flat crazy about you.” He kept his palm there on my face, and the warmth and comfort coming from another person’s touch overwhelmed me in that moment. Lifting my hands to cover my eyes, I dissolved in my emotion, causing Jake to step forward and place his arms around me.
“Listen, you and I both know that you’re the love of Cole’s life, okay?” His hands drew me closer, pressing my face against his chest. “He must have snapped or something. There’s no way he would let you get away, you understand? He knows, Camdyn. He knows you’re that diamond in the rough – the woman who comes around once in a lifetime.” Feeling his warm arms against my shoulders and my back, I struggled to control my gasps of breath even as I could sense his heartbeat through his long-sleeved t-shirt.
“I’m sorry,” I managed to whisper, attempting to shake my head.
“Cam sad,” Bailey stated at my side.
“It’s okay, Bailey,” Jake told her. “Camdyn is sad because she misses Cole, just like you’re scared sometimes when your Mommy drops you off at my house. But your Mommy always comes back to get you, doesn’t she? Camdyn just doesn’t know that Cole is coming back, but he is. She’s way too important for him to leave.”
“Yeah,” Bailey agreed. Pulling myself out of Jake’s embrace, I sniffed
as I bent to talk to Bailey.
“I’m gonna be fine, sweetie. I’m just being a little silly, that’s all.”
“It’s not silly,” Jake insisted, staring intently into my eyes. “Your heart is broken over the baby, and Cole’s an idiot. A temporary idiot, but an idiot, nonetheless.” Taking a deep breath, I rose and attempted a smile to assure him that I was okay. “You’re sure you don’t need us to stay? We’ve got nowhere to be.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” I explained, hoping he wouldn’t push the issue. His comfort had been a welcome feeling, and allowing him to stay any longer felt like unnecessarily testing the waters.
“You’re right,” he answered in a resigned way, reaching down to scoop Bailey up into his arms. “We’re going to go then, but you have my number, Camdyn. I don’t like the thought of you being here alone.”
“I’m fine, really,” I stated with certainty. Leaning over, he gave me a brotherly-feeling kiss on the forehead, and then he straightened and cleared his throat noisily.
“Bailey, tell Camdyn goodbye.”
“Bye Cam,” she sang happily.
“Bye, Bailey,” I replied with a smile. As they walked away toward Jake’s truck, I couldn’t help but overhear her words to her father:
“Cam nice, like a mommy.”
Chapter Nineteen
Somehow, I managed to sleep like a rock that night. I knew it was probably because I had been sleeping so fitfully the past few nights, but I also thought it might have had something to do with the little bit of comfort I had received from Jake. Pushing everyone away had felt like a good thing, but I hadn’t realized that I longed for someone to simply be there. In that moment, Jake had been my friend without trying to rationalize my grief, or offering reasons for my loss, or telling me that my sadness was wrong. Inexplicably, Jake had been exactly what I needed in that moment.
For No Reason (The Camdyn Series Book 4) Page 24
