Her fingers curled into a fist against his palm. “Why, Sam?”
There were so many answers, but none of them was the right one. She would leave eventually. And he’d have to let her go. But he couldn’t think of that. Not with the storm raging outside and the fire crackling on the hearth and Audra standing so close he could feel her wet skirt brush his knees and her breast press the back of his knuckles with every breath she took.
He released her hand and grabbed her shoulders. “I can’t keep you safe from Fitzpatrick if you leave, but I can’t keep you safe from me if you stay.”
She tipped back her head. “So?”
“Dammit, Audra!” He yanked her against him and anchored his fingers in her hair. “I’m not made of stone.”
“Neither am I. Not stone, not decorator icing that melts in the rain, and not fluffy, mindless pink cotton candy either. So if you’re planning on pushing me away again and telling me it’s for my own good, then do it now.”
“Audra, you—”
“Right now, Sam. Either finish what we started, or let go of me and get out of my way.”
His hands tightened. She stared at him defiantly, her gaze sizzling with challenge. Then she lifted her arms and curled her fingers around the back of his neck.
At her touch, his self-control, already stretched too thin, finally snapped. He moved at the same moment she did, lowering his head as she raised up on her toes.
Chapter 13
The tension of the past weeks exploded in a glittering rush. Their mouths came together with an impact that verged on violent. Sam parted her lips with his tongue, sweeping inside to reclaim the taste that haunted his dreams. Audra met him eagerly, her fingernails digging into his skin under his collar as she tried to pull herself closer. Moving his hands to her waist, he lifted her feet from the floor and molded her to the front of his body.
It wasn’t close enough for either of them. He’d waited so long, he had no restraint left. As she hooked her heel behind his calf, he turned around and pressed her back to the door. Freeing his hands, he fumbled with the buttons of her blouse, then swore and grasped the wet fabric in his fists. Cloth ripped, a button flew to the floor...and Sam felt Audra smile against his mouth.
Hard, triumphant desire shot through him. He peeled the blouse from her shoulders and she didn’t stop him, she helped him, pulling her arms from the sleeves and unhooking the clasp of her bra. He cupped her breasts, a moan of pure pleasure rumbling in his throat as he felt her damp skin warm and her nipples harden. Sighing, she clasped her arms around his shoulders and pushed herself more fully into his embrace.
How could he have resisted this long? How could he have thought that he’d be able to deny the need that flared through him? Through both of them? To hell with being noble. They’d come so close to this so many times. What harm would it do if they relieved the tension just this once?
He ran his hands over her possessively, reveling in the soft resiliency of her skin and the feminine weight of her curves...until his fingertips brushed the ridge of puckered skin below her left breast.
He broke off the kiss and looked down. Her skin was flushed, her chest rising and falling unevenly with her rapid breathing. Her breasts were more beautiful than he remembered, perfect firm globes tipped with rose. But under his thumb, at the side of her rib cage, there was a shiny red patch of healing skin.
Fingers shaking, he traced the edge of the bullet wound.
And the desire he felt deepened to something else so swiftly it took his breath away. He couldn’t name the feeling—it was unlike anything he’d experienced before.
“It’s okay, Sam. It’s closed up.” Grasping his wrist, Audra lifted his hand and placed it back on her breast.
He raised his gaze to her face. He didn’t deserve her forgiveness or her generosity, but that didn’t make any difference to how he felt. The urge to give himself to her as openly as she was offering herself to him overcame all reason. Scooping her up in his arms, he carried her to the living room, dragged the blanket from the sofa and lowered her to the floor in front of the fireplace.
Kneeling beside her, he eased off the rest of her clothes, then discarded his own. In the firelight her skin heated to a rosy blush as she reached for him. Her smile shy, her touch sensuous, she traced the contours of his chest, splaying her fingers in a delicate caress as she moved her hands downward. Her gaze followed her hands...and her eyes widened. “Oh my.”
Her soft exhalation, her look of wonder, affected him more powerfully than he would have believed possible. She hadn’t even touched him where he most wanted—no, needed—to feel her and already he was nearing the edge. His blood was pounding, his hands were trembling as if this were his first time. There was no room for thoughts of skill or seduction, only a blind, primal need to make her his.
He came down on top of her, possessing her with his hands and his mouth, giving in to his hunger. She responded hesitantly at first, but soon her sweet body was writhing beneath his. Her lips parted on sounds of pleasure more eloquent than any words could be. She clutched the blanket, tossing her head, tightening her thighs for a breathless, endless moment. Then she shuddered and cried out, her gaze meeting his, her eyes shining with...amazement.
“Oh, Sam,” she whispered.
He smiled. Giving her pleasure was so deeply gratifying it was almost enough. Almost. He reached for his discarded clothes and took his wallet from the pocket of his jeans, then smoothed on a condom and rolled to his back, pulling her on top of him. “Your way this time.”
Shaking her hair from her eyes, she braced her hands on his chest to push herself up. “What?”
Her breasts swayed invitingly with her movement. He reached up to cover them with his palms. “Take me inside you, Audra.”
“I haven’t...” Her eyes fluttered shut as his fingers squeezed gently. “But I’ve never.... Oh, Sam, that feels so good.”
He skimmed his hands past her waist to grasp her hips, and guided her into position.
“Sam, I’m—” She caught her lower lip between her teeth, arching her back as he pressed her steadily downward. “Mmm,” she murmured, wriggling her hips.
At her movement, he tightened his grip, holding her steady as he surged upward. He heard her gasp, her nails curving into his shoulders. She was tight, too tight as she closed around him, but he moved again and the tightness eased. And then she was moving with him, sliding, gasping, tensing...
Sam wrapped his arms around her and held on as they peaked together. Even after the tremors faded and her body went limp, he wasn’t ready to let her go. Clasping one hand over her buttocks, he kept her with him as he rolled them to their sides.
A log fell over in the fireplace, sending a shower of sparks against the iron mesh curtain. Light flared briefly, cutting through the shadows to bathe Audra’s face in an orange glow. Slowly she blinked open her eyes and looked at him. “I never...” She paused. “I didn’t know it could be like that.”
“It’s never been like that for me, either,” he said quietly, stroking her hair back from her cheek.
And it hadn’t. Sex with Audra had been unlike anything he’d known before. Maybe it was because of her uninhibited honesty, so different from the life he faced every day. Maybe it was because they’d waited so long, or because the tension had built too high. Whatever. He was feeling too good to think about that now.
Sam kissed her mouth, her cheeks, her nose, whatever he could reach, then pulled back his head and smiled. “What do you say we go upstairs and do this right?”
“Did I do it wrong?”
Chuckling, he kissed her again, then gently eased away. “I don’t want you getting bruises from this floor,” he said. He helped her to sit up, draping the blanket around her shoulders. “There’s a double bed in the main—” His words cut off on a whispered oath when he saw the bright red smear on her thigh. “Oh, God! I hurt you.”
“Not really. Only for a minute. I’m fine, Sam,” she said, her hands drawin
g the edges of the blanket together.
“No, you’re bleeding.” He wiped off the blood with his fingertips, his gut knotting. “Damn, I should have been more careful. I must have broken open your wound somehow.”
“It’s not the wound that...” She turned her head away. “I mean, that’s fine.”
“Audra, let me see.”
“No. It’s nothing to worry about. I’ve heard it’s to be expected when...this happens.”
He grasped her chin and turned her face toward him. “What are you talking about?”
“I thought you knew.”
“What? What should I know?”
“That some bleeding is normal when it’s the first time.”
“The first... Did you say the first time?”
“Yes.”
He jerked his gaze down to his lap. It was so obvious now that he knew what he was looking at. The blood. The tightness he’d felt. Her sweet, innocent response—“Dammit, Audra! You’re a virgin?”
She smiled at him shyly. “Not anymore, Sam.”
That much was true. With her tangled hair and swollen lips, and that sensual gleam in her eyes, she didn’t look the least bit virginal.
He’d hurt her. He’d taken her innocence. He should feel guilty.
But he didn’t. No, instead of remorse, he felt a sharp stab of satisfaction. Primitive, male, possessive satisfaction. No one had touched her before him. No one had heard her cry out or felt her tremble. She was his.
And the hell of it was, he knew she’d never be.
As the silence dragged out, Audra’s smile faded. She watched an array of expressions flicker across Sam’s face—denial, acceptance, regret—until he raked his fingers through his hair and turned away. Without a word, he disposed of the condom and yanked on his jeans and shirt, then walked over to the front door to pick up her blouse.
Well, what had she expected? she asked herself harshly, trying to blink back the tears that threatened. A declaration of love? A fairy-tale romance? She knew better than that. Love wasn’t what she’d asked for. It wasn’t what either of them wanted, right?
He gathered the rest of her clothes and handed them to her. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he said, his voice low and hoarse. “I hadn’t known. I guess I’d assumed that you and Ryan...” He cleared his throat. “I apologize for the pain, Audra.”
“I’m all right.”
His hands curled into fists as he watched her slip on her torn blouse. “I shouldn’t have been so rough.”
Rough? He’d been passionate, but he hadn’t done anything that she didn’t want. She pulled on her damp skirt and pushed herself to her feet. “Stop apologizing, I’m fine.”
He stepped back. “The water tank should have heated up by now, if you want to take a bath or anything.”
God, she hated this awkwardness. What was the big deal about virginity, anyway? It was inconvenient and embarrassing and it was high time that she was rid of it. She didn’t regret its loss. Really, she didn’t. How could she? Except for that brief pain, she’d enjoyed every second of it.
Oh, yes. She’d enjoyed it. The way he’d made her feel, the way he’d kissed her and touched her, the way he’d moved, his naked shoulders gleaming in the firelight, his muscles tensing, his gorgeous mouth curving in a sensual smile...
“You were right,” Sam said.
“What?”
“This isn’t going to work.” He picked up the blanket, folded it carefully and put it back on the sofa. “I’ll get someone else to stay with you.”
She stood where she was, watching him move restlessly around the room. He was doing it again. Hot and cold. Advance and retreat. Five minutes ago they’d been lovers. Now he was trying to push her away and go back to how it had been before. “Was it that bad?”
At her question he whirled around. “No.”
“Because I know I probably made some mistakes but—”
“Audra,” he said firmly, his gaze steady. “It was the best sex I’ve had in my life.”
His frankness shouldn’t fluster her, considering what they’d just done. She drew in a steadying breath. “Then why are you treating me as if you wished this had never happened?”
“Because I do.” He started toward her, then stopped and shoved his hands into his pockets. “Because you were a virgin.”
“I don’t see what difference that should make.”
“I knew I was no good for you. Hell, I’ve gotten you shot and almost run over. And now I’ve taken—”
“You didn’t take anything. I gave it.”
“You shouldn’t have. Not to me.”
“Why not? If not you, then who?”
A fierce glint came into his eyes. “Don’t ask me that.”
“My husband?” she went on, moving closer. “You know I’m never getting married. So why shouldn’t it have been you?”
“Audra, you don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand, Sam. Don’t you think you owe me that much?”
A muscle jumped in his cheek as he stared at her. Then on a muttered oath, he closed the distance he’d put between them and caught her by the shoulders. “Your brothers were right to keep me away. They must have realized I wasn’t the kind of man for you. We’re too different.”
He’d said that before. Many times. But something about his tone told her that this time it was more than simply an excuse. The afterglow of their lovemaking, and the bravado that had gotten her this far, gradually gave way to misgiving.
She’d thought she wanted an explanation. Now she wasn’t so sure.
For a minute he stood without speaking, his fingers tightening as his expression wavered between vulnerability and defensiveness. Then he exhaled harshly and started to talk. “Remember that story I gave you about my background?”
“That your parents died in a car accident? But you said that wasn’t true.”
“None of it was true. I was raised in Chicago. I don’t know who my father was. Neither did my mother. She never wanted me, but she couldn’t afford an abortion. She only kept me around for the welfare money. And that was fine as long as I stayed out of her way and didn’t cramp her style.”
Shock held her speechless. She couldn’t imagine any woman being that cruel to her own child.
“The last time I saw her I was eighteen. She and her latest man were snorting cocaine in the bedroom. I heard she died a year after that.”
“Oh, Sam,” she whispered. “How awful.”
He snatched his hands back and crossed his arms. “That was my world, Audra. That’s who I am. There weren’t any cozy houses in the suburbs or family parties with balloons and barbecues and kids on roller skates. Hell, I never was a kid. I was in and out of juvenile detention centers from the time I was thirteen. By sixteen, I was living on the street. I saw things and did things—” He broke off, his jaw as hard as his gaze.
“But you survived. That’s not anything to be ashamed of. You should be proud of how far you’ve come.”
“Proud? Of being a whore’s accident?”
She pressed her knuckles to her mouth, the pain in Sam’s words going right to her heart.
“Your family wouldn’t have let me in the door if they’d known the truth.”
As much as she wished she could deny it, she feared he might be right. “You can’t be held responsible for the circumstances of your birth.”
“Maybe not, but it’s part of who I am.”
“Who you were,” she persisted. “Whatever you did, however you lived, you’re a good man now. You’re decent and kind and you have a responsible job.”
“Decent?” He gestured to her torn blouse. “Hell, Audra, I just took your virginity in the middle of the floor. If I had any decency I would have gotten out of your life weeks ago like you’d asked me to.”
“But—”
“I’ve hurt you, and the longer we’re together, the worse it’s going to get. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain. You’re everything that’s innoc
ent and good and I have no business touching you. The kind of filth I come from doesn’t wash off.”
Audra leaned her head against the rim of the bathtub and listened to the lazy dripping of the faucet. Rain pattered quietly against the window, the last remnants of the afternoon’s storm. The peaceful quiet should be relaxing. The steaming water should be soothing. But it was going to take more than a hot bath to chase away this chill.
Well, she’d asked for it. She’d wanted to know why Sam kept pushing her away. And now she did.
His childhood was like something out of a Dickens novel. Bleak, cruel and completely loveless. It was little wonder he was so adamant about being on his own.
Compared to what he’d endured, her own complaints about her family’s protectiveness seemed incredibly shallow. How lucky she’d been to have grown up with the kind of security and unconditional love she’d always taken for granted. Sure, her family had their faults, but the love was always there, a safety net for her when she fell, a ladder to help her get up again.
Sam had never had anything like that. It was a miracle that he’d lived to adulthood.
She shifted, turning her head toward the darkened window. From the direction of the woodshed came the rhythmic sound of chopping. Sam was at it again. They didn’t need any more firewood—the weather was damp, but it wasn’t cold. No, his exercise had another purpose entirely. He was using the physical activity as an outlet for his feelings.
Revealing his past couldn’t have been easy. He’d only given her a glimpse of his memories, but the pain behind his words was unfathomable. She could picture him out there, alone in the light from the bare lightbulb, swinging the axe over and over, using the power of his muscles to work through the powerlessness he must have felt as a child.
Yes, he’d been unable to change the facts of his birth. For a man as strong and determined as Sam, that’s something that would be hard to accept. But why couldn’t he accept the fact that he’d overcome his roots? Why couldn’t he see that he really was a good, decent person?
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