“Maybe I don’t want to know. I don’t like complicated. I really don’t want drama in my life. I’m here for one reason and that’s my education.”
“I’ll be honest, I’m willing to give you an A if you continue helping me out. I’m not asking for anything more. I’d just like to know what makes you tick. Agree to it and my course won’t be a concern. You can focus on the others and get back on track with little effort. I want to be friends. Give me that and I won’t press for more.”
His offer was appealing. I needed help, but was I willing to spend time with the devil to make it happen?
My stomach was in knots. There was only one thing for me to do, and I didn’t look back. I ran as fast as I could across campus, distancing myself from my insanely handsome professor. As time passed I figured he’d gotten the hint.
By the next morning I was content with my decision. I’d have to work harder, but at least I’d be able to look myself in the mirror without regret.
Then I got the grade from another exam and all my hopes and dreams were getting further away. I was losing my grip on reality, failing at things I should have been able to accomplish with my eyes closed. Worst of all I couldn’t stop thinking about my professor. Whether I was awake, or sound asleep, he was on my mind, haunting my dreams, and breaking my focus on what was important.
Something was happening to me and I needed to get it figured out fast.
The next week I was unfortunately asked to stay after class. I watched as my classmates exited the room, leaving the two of us alone. I remained in my seat in the last row, hoping he’d stay put and keep distance between us. He leaned back on his desk with his arms crossed. “For fifteen years I’ve stood up here with one goal; to teach. I’ve never used my authority to get to know a student. I’ve never put my career in danger because I couldn’t get a student out of my mind. Not until now.” He paused for a moment. “It’s nice to see you, Cammie. I’d tell you how stunning you look in that green top, but I think we’re past flattery.”
“I can’t be here with you. Sorry.” I refused to encourage him. “I won’t be able to help you out later on tonight. I’ve decided I don’t have the time, or the nerve. I’m just going to take the grade for the exam and do my best to recover.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. I was hoping, at the least, we could become friends. I know you mentioned a certain kind of Chinese food you couldn’t get around here. I managed to find it and figured I could get some for when you assist me later.”
“You think you can bribe me with food?” If he thought he could, he was mistaken. “I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but I’m not interested. I seem to have mentioned it before.” All of a sudden I watched him begin to walk toward me. I stood up, hoping I could gather my things and make it out the door before we were face to face.
I was wrong.
“Is it because you don’t want to, or you’re afraid what will happen if you do?”
I responded honestly. “Both.”
“Interesting. I suppose I’m having the same struggles. I know it’s wrong, but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you. You’re the dessert I’m not allowed to eat. You tempt me with those delightful green eyes making it seem like it wouldn’t be so bad to get lost in something new. The truth is, I haven’t felt like I was wanted for a long time. Just say the words and I’ll be everything you need right now.” Everything out of his mouth beckoned me to want him. He was calm and collected. There wasn’t a desperate bone in his muscular body. He knew exactly what to say to get under my skin and I was falling victim to his charm.
“I’m scared of you,” I admitted. “Of what you could potentially do to me.” My heart was fluttering, beating so hard it felt like he could hear it. Being this close to him caused me to let my guard down. I wanted to shut my eyes and fall, because he was as close to comfort as I was going to get. He was dangerous, off limits, and everything I swore I’d never be involved with. Yet there I stood, staring into those blue eyes and wondering what his lips would feel like if they were pressed against mine. “You’re never going to get into my pants,” I managed to mumble as he got even closer. At any second someone could have opened his door and discovered us standing there. I had to think with my brain instead of the parts of my body begging to be touched. “I should go.”
He gripped my hand, holding me back from exiting the room. “Meet me tonight in my office. If you don’t show I won’t bother you about it again. If you do, well let’s just say you won’t be disappointed.” He turned and winked before putting his back to me and walking away.
I rushed out of there the fastest I was able, all the while hoping I’d be strong enough to resist the urge to see what it would be like to get lost in him, or more importantly, him getting lost in me.
Chapter 5
Have you ever stepped out of a piping hot shower, wiped away the steamed up mirror to reveal a person you could barely recognize staring back at you? That's what it was like to look at myself and know what I was contemplating.
I wanted to pretend I wasn’t in control when I went back to my dorm. It would have been easier to assume I was acting on impulse instead of admitting I knew exactly what I was doing, and what it implied I was about to be involved in.
As a small child I was taught to live by the ten commandments. Committing adultery was a sin, and in doing so would lead me to a path of evil.
I refused to think of James that way. With guilt forcing my hand, I dressed and prepared to let him down once and for all. I knew when he saw me he'd assume differently, but I didn’t want to be a coward. I'd look him in the eyes and tell him why we could never pursue our feelings. Our mutual attraction would eventually diminish, and hopefully it would give us the strength we didn’t know we could have; the ability to choose the right path before we were victims of our own desires.
I was confident up until I reached his office, catching the tail end of a heated argument between him and a woman I recognized from pictures as being his wife.
She was screaming at the top of her lungs something about secrets and how her reputation would be damaged. He pleaded with her to drop it, finally agreeing to give her space to calm down. I ducked into another hallway when I saw her walking in my direction. Coming from a well off family myself, I could spot designer shoes as they clanked past me. Unlike James, his wife looked her age. She carried herself like she was powerful, and when she was finally gone I sighed out of relief. She scared me. I would've hated for her to be my parent, even with the strict two I had.
I found James leaning over his desk as if he were upset. The creak of the door caught his attention, causing him to look up. "If this is a bad time I can come back."
He waved me inside. "No." His smile was from cheek to cheek. "You don’t know how good it is to see you." James stood and headed over to the closet, pulling out a full bottle of bourbon. "Some days require the hard stuff."
I didn’t know everything there was to discover about this man, but I did understand when someone was struggling. He clearly has issues in his marriage, and the fact that he hadn’t used that excuse to be with me gave him credit where it was due. Most perverted men would do whatever it took to get into a woman’s pants, however James had simply been himself, married and content with his life, or so it seemed.
I’d never seen them together, and now I wondered how the two of them could be so different, yet remain together for two decades. She was particular, to a point where it was annoying. Trust me, I came from money, but never had any of my family members flaunt what we had. We were equal to every middle and lower class, because in God’s eyes we were the same. We all bled. We would all eventually die.
“Are you okay?” I asked in a subtle tone. “Do you want to keep talking about it?”
“It’s better if I don’t involve you. My wife has a vivid imagination. She sees what she wants.”
“So years ago nothing happened?” I wanted to know. My attraction to this man wasn’t only on the outside. I n
eeded to dig deeper; to explain to my own conscious why I couldn’t resist his advances much longer.
“Does the past matter? I’ve been good to that woman and she’s never seen me as anything besides her puppet.”
“Why haven’t you divorced?”
“Did you not hear me mention her father is the dean? I’d lose my job. My kids would abandon me. I stay to keep the peace.”
“So you’re not involved like a couple should be?”
He shook his head. “No. Not for a very long time.”
“You wear the ring for appearance purposes?” I had to keep digging to justify what might happen if I let my guard down for a second.
“Exactly.”
He stepped closer, putting his hands on my arms. “Let me kiss you.”
“What?” A natural instinct was to back away. I attempted, but ended up hitting the wall with nowhere else to go. “No.”
“I want to feel something again.”
His cologne was an aphrodisiac. James leaned forward, ignoring my words. His gruffly face rubbed against mine, his lips avoiding what was inevitable. “Just one kiss.”
I closed my eyes for a mere second, falling victim to temptation. Then, like a switch turning on, I shoved him away and wiped off the tickle that still remained.
“Someone could walk in at any moment. You’re not thinking clearly.”
He rushed to the door, locking it and closing the blinds. “Forgive my carelessness. I lose myself when you’re around.”
“Stop saying things like that.”
“Why? Does it bother you knowing how much I want to be inside of you?”
Parts of my body were suddenly active, reminding me how much time had gone by since I’d been with a man. “You can’t say things like this.”
“I’m telling the truth.”
I headed to the couch and sat down, distancing us more until I was able to gather my thoughts. “I shouldn’t have come tonight. I wanted to tell you in person how this was never going to happen.”
He came to kneel in front of me, his palms landing on either side of my legs. “I’ve never done this before, so I can imagine how difficult it would be to trust me. You can’t deny our connection, Cammie. I know you feel it. Every time you’re close I can sense you. I need to know what it is about you that’s so special.”
“I’m just a normal girl, struggling to get by. There are a ton of other women with my same qualities.”
He laughed at me. “You must not own a mirror. I’ve never met anyone as beautiful as you are.”
“You’re too old for me.”
“What’s age? Really? You’re going to use that as an excuse?” When his hands came up and touched me I inhaled deeply, hoping I could hold my breath until he let go, but they moved up my thighs slowly, precisely applying enough pressure to set me off. “I won’t hurt you, Cammie. I’m scared too. I’m scared I might find something I’ve been missing my entire life.”
I was twenty-three years old, fighting to keep my grip on life, and now this was being thrown at my feet.
“Let’s talk hypothetical. Say I allow you to touch me, more even, where would it get us? What would I have to gain from it?”
His smirk was discerning. I knew he’d have some smart-ass reply, so I swallowed the lump in my throat and prepared for it to blow me away.
“You’d be satisfied beyond your deepest desires. I’d make sure I was the best you ever had. Hypothetically, of course.”
“This would be a lot easier if you weren’t touching me.”
He let go, lifting his hands in the air. “I wouldn’t want to deter your decision making.”
“I’m not easy.” If he thought for one second he could sleep with me without effort, he was dead wrong.
“I wouldn’t want you if I thought you were.” Of course he’d say that.
“I don’t want a relationship.” It was true. Relationships equaled complications in my life. I didn’t have room for them.
“I don’t want trouble.” Which meant he didn’t want to be discovered and have to answer to his wife or her father.
“I’ll let you kiss me, but only because I need to prove what you think is between us doesn’t exist. If I feel nothing, I want you to leave me alone about it. You aren’t to push or mention this again. Are we on the same page?”
He nodded, his hands coming back down over my knees. “Anything else?”
“Once I prove this is all in your head, I want you to find someone else to help you grade papers. The sooner this little fantasy of yours is over, the faster I can get back to my studies.”
“Or, you could like it.”
“I doubt it. You’re just another guy, right?”
“Perhaps.” He leaned forward, bringing his lips close to mine. “Or you’re in for a rude awakening.”
Once his mouth was pressed against mine I knew I couldn’t fight him. I closed my eyes and fell into the kiss, the most passionate, electric, satisfying kiss I’d ever experienced. His tongue worked a circular pattern around mine, gently brushing over my teeth as he pulled away. He came back in a second time, sucking on my bottom lip, and then mingling our tongues again. Within seconds he’d proven his point, and also made every inch of my body come to life. My toes tingled. My fingertips went numb. The tips of my nipples hardened, brushing against the fabric of my bra. Let’s not even discuss what happened between my legs. The heat radiating was probably evident from where he was crouched down in front of me. Finally I had to pull away. I couldn’t catch my breath, and I definitely couldn’t look into those deep indigo eyes, because I knew he’d see right through me. “Just what I suspected. Nothing there.”
James began laughing. “Yeah. Nothing at all.”
He stood abruptly, leaving me to sort out my thoughts while heading over to the opposite side of his desk. He took a seat, never looking in my direction as he began to sift through papers.
I was in shock. I didn’t understand what had transpired. Surely he’d enjoyed the kiss. Why would he walk away? Had he realized this was a terrible idea? Maybe I’d pushed him to decide on letting things be instead of stirring the pot.
A good five minutes went by without a single sentence out of his lips. I was in rare form, stumbling on what to say to clear the air. When I couldn’t take it any longer, I stood and gathered my bag, flipping it over my shoulder. I made it three steps toward the door before his deep voice filled the room. “Leaving so soon?”
My hands waved around. “What else am I supposed to do?”
“Well, I was hoping you’d lend me a hand so we could get back to what we were doing a few minutes ago. This work isn’t going to do itself, and as good as that kiss was, I don’t need anymore distractions.”
My jaw dropped. He didn’t walk away because I’d done something wrong. He’d gotten up because he wanted to finish the work so we could do it again.
That evening we worked alongside each other like we’d been friends for years, and when the papers were situated back in his satchel, his attention was fixed on me. He led me over to the couch where we’d had our first kiss. Once again my heart beat rapidly, my palms clammy, and everything else going into a frenzy. I couldn’t contain my excitement, and just like that nothing else mattered. We were lost in the moment, forsaking everything that could go wrong for the chance at what could feel right.
Chapter 6
One week of sneaking kisses, ridiculous reasons why I needed to meet him, and most importantly regrets. It had been exactly seven days since our first embrace and I didn’t see things ending any time soon.
James had arranged to take me out for the first time. I dressed up, thinking we’d go to a quaint place away from campus where we wouldn’t be recognized. I knew no matter what happened I wouldn’t have anyone I cared about speaking ill of me. My family was across the country, unknowing what I’d gotten myself involved in.
The little black blouse and fancy bra was something I’d splurged on. My scholarship provided my housing, but pers
onal expenses were paid for by my parents on a credit card they’d given me on the day I left for college. I used it for meals and essentials, but never once to buy myself something nice to wear, and especially lingerie. I knew if my mother looked at the bill and saw where I’d been shopping she’d have a ton of questions for me; most I wouldn’t be able to answer. A month was a long time away, so until she asked, I needed to make the best of the situation. My time with James was temporary. We both knew nothing would come of it. He was married, whether it was practiced or not, on paper they were legally bound.
Dressed to impress even the man who seemed to have it all, I set out to the location we were supposed to meet, regretting my choice in heels halfway there.
His car was parked on a side road off campus property. He flashed his lights when he spotted me, pulling out to come to my aching feet rescue. The moment I climbed into the vehicle I knew he wasn’t taking me somewhere public. Dressed in his workout attire, James greeted me with a chaste kiss. "You look exquisite."
"You said you were taking me some place special. I assumed it was nice."
He began driving, checking his rearview as if we were going to be followed. "It is special. It will be at least."
Moments later we pulled up on the side of the road. He reached in his pocket and handed me a set of keys. "Go on inside the building. I’m going to park my car somewhere else less conspicuous."
Right away I felt like garbage. We were sneaking around to see each other on campus, but this was another step to damnation. There were plenty of opportunities to back out of this situation, though I couldn’t grasp them. I was too caught up in the excitement of it all to take a second and allow myself to look at the bigger picture. I was ruining my life, one secret rendezvous at a time.
Like he requested, I used the key to enter the home. Set up like someone used to live there, I flipped on a light switch to discover there wasn’t power. I took out my cell phone and coasted the room with it, searching for evidence or a simple reason he’d bring me to such a place.
Cammie Healy (Mitchell/ Healy #8) Page 3
