by Jaden Wilkes
I soften. I can’t believe it, but I do. I just want him to wrap his arms around me and make everything good between us. Part of me still wants to kick him to death and dance on his corpse, but a huge part of me is melting. Ok, yeah, it’s my pussy. My pussy wants him to make it right and slip inside of me.
“I can’t think of anything you could tell me that would change my mind,” I challenge him. I need him to tell me something. I want him to talk me back into his bed.
“Give me a chance, give me a little time and you’ll understand everything.”
I can’t turn him down. It’s apparently fucking physically impossible for me to tell him no. So I nod my agreement, unable to speak, and we leave the classroom together, heading to his office to drop some items off along the way.
His space is tucked away past the research library. It’s more of a hole in the wall with two desks tightly packed inside, and floor to ceiling bookshelves packed haphazardly with textbooks and files of all shapes and sizes.
“Hang on, I want to leave this here, then we can go have a talk,” he tells me and pops inside. “I’m doing my degree through the University of BC, but I still keep my little corner of the college.” He looks embarrassed and adds, “My father’s the dean of Anthropology here, so I always come back.”
“Yeah, sure, take your time,” I reply, doing my best impression of a girl playing it cool. I think I’m failing, the butterflies in my stomach say I’m failing. I don’t mention his father, but that’s a little intimidating, my dirty, coked-up sex God is the dean’s son. Mind fuck, extraordinaire.
He drops his things on his desk, I’m in the doorway waiting for him to finish reading a note that was left for him when he pauses, drops it, and turns. His gorgeous eyes are intense, and I am made aware of how little space there is between our bodies at this moment. He takes one step and is beside me, his face is sad, his mouth is slightly downturned and his brows are furrowed. It’s his eyes that get me though, he reflects what I’m feeling, all of the same stupid horny, sorrowful, expectant desires are there in his blue-green depths.
“Hush,” I start to say, my voice thick with emotion, but he cuts me off with a kiss. It’s the softest he’s ever been with me, tentative, as if questioning my response. I kiss him back. I nip his bottom lip and hold my hands on his forearms. He counters with a nip of his own, he takes my lower lip in his teeth and runs his tongue along it, sending shivers up my spine.
I want him desperately, I can feel the months of anger and thick walls crumbling, I want to curl up in his arms and sob with relief.
But I can’t. He left me without an answer; he abandoned me to nothingness after deconstructing years of walls and retreat. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for this. Now my body betrays me, I can’t stop touching him, feeling him, wanting him. As if against my will, I press my body against his, feel his rock hard abs, run my hands along his arms to his bulging biceps. I sigh against his tongue, his breath becomes mine and I forget where I end and he begins. It’s all so perfect, too perfect, and I’m Jade Daniels...there is no perfect in my world.
“Fencepost,” I say softly, but it’s lost in the quiet sucking sounds our lips and tongues are making. I say it louder; it vibrates against my tongue and wakes me up a bit. I manage to break away from his kiss and look him in the eye. His are full of question. “Fencepost,” I tell him, “I said fencepost, motherfucker! I can’t do this Hush. I can’t just let you slide back into my life, my heart. You fucking left me.”
“So after all the things I’ve done to your body, the ass fucking, stage sex, choking you on my cock...this is the time you choose to use our safe word?” he asks, bemused. He sees my pained look and changes his tone. “Listen, I’m sorry Jade, I was a piece of shit. I know I don’t deserve you, but now I want to make it right.”
“How can you make it right? You broke my fucking heart!” I yell, my voice echoes in the quiet hallway and I’m embarrassed by my loud protest. This is my world now, and he doesn't belong here.
“Babe, please,” he says and takes my hands in his. His eyes are filled with sadness and I almost cave again. “Give me a chance, give us a chance. I need to make it up to you, and I will never walk out on you again. Ever.”
“We’re done, Hush,” I reply, my voice determined, “you made sure of that when you snuck away like a fucking coward. I got over you months ago, so kindly fuck off now.”
“You don’t mean that,” he smiles and I want to smash my fist into his perfect, white teeth. I’m overcome with the urge to slap that smug look off his face...as much as I feel the urge to melt against his body and just let go, let him back in.
“I do mean it,” I say through gritted teeth, “besides, you’re too late. I’m seeing somebody. We’re good together. He’s good for me.” I don’t know who I’m trying to convince with my statement.
“Who is it?” he demands, his eyes dark with anger. I’m flattered at the speed his jealousy rears its head. “Is it Rev?” his hands tighten around my arms.
“None of your fucking business,” I say and try to pull away. He’s got me in a vice grip though, and I end up against the open door of the office. I peek out but the hallway is deserted. I’m thankful that nobody is witness to this pathetic display of human emotion.
“Who is it?” he asks again and leans over me, looking into my eyes, searching. “It is Rev! I saw him in your store one night, kissing you. You probably couldn’t wait to get him back inside of you. Did your cunt cool off before you gave him a call?”
“How fucking dare you,” I spit angrily, “fuck you! I was so lonely without you. I could barely get up and make it to work. How dare you fucking lurk and watch me from the shadows like a fucking creeper! You don’t know what I was going through, and after Eva left-”
“What do you mean Eva left? Where did she go?” he interrupts me.
“She’s in Ireland, which you would know if you gave a shit. But guess what? Rev has been there for me. Whatever you say, he’s been incredible,” I tell him, hoping to twist the knife a little.
He calms immediately, his grip loosens but I don’t pull away. “I’m so sorry, babe, I should have never left you,” he says and pulls me towards him again. I resist, but not much, I want to lean into him and close my eyes. I can’t though, I need to reach down and find the anger that fuelled me through the lonely days without him. I don’t fall against him; I hold my ground.
“Thanks,” I say, “too little, too late though. I’m fine now, I’ve got school and I’ve got Rev. Life’s pretty damn good, thank you very much.”
He grabs my arms again, and steps closer. He’s almost pressed against me now, his eyes flash with anger and he growls, “Stop saying you’re with Rev, you don’t have him, you have me.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Where have you been?” I cry out. I hate fighting him, but I can’t let him walk back into my life and walk all over me again. I feel safe with Rev. With Hush I feel like I’m the verge of losing control, and I don’t know if I can handle so much emotion.
“I’m here now, I’ll never leave again, you have to trust me,” he says. “Rev can’t give you what I can, he doesn’t love you like I do, and you know,” he continues, running his finger along my collarbone, sending a shiver down my spine, “he can’t fuck you like I do.”
I freeze. I’m utterly torn down the middle. I want him so much it hurts, my pussy aches with this deep need and my heart yearns to open up and spill its contents for him. But this cynical part of me tells me to run, if he left me again, I wouldn’t recover, I couldn’t take another blow to the heart like that. He makes the decision for me, before I’m able to reply...he leans in and kisses me again. This is more like how my Hush kisses, the ones I’m used to, the ones that leave me no wiggle room, the kiss that lets me know he’s claiming me as his. I melt again, my anger dissipates and I’m a lovesick girl, silently begging him to heal me and pick up the shattered pieces of my heart. I think he could heal
me, I think we could be perfect together and I think we could make it work, but there’s that damned stubborn part of me that won’t be silent.
I push at him, my hands on his chest, but he doesn’t move, he keeps kissing me, I keep kissing him. My hands try to shove him, but he takes both my wrists in one of his huge hands, I can feel his rough finger, he must still be playing bass somewhere. I feel it and think of it on my clit, playing me until I’m soaking wet and crying his name. I push at him as much as I can with my hands pinned, I can feel tears coming to my eyes, I want to love this man so bad but I am so scared.
He stops, notices my tears and whispers my name. I look up at him and he says, “I never wanted to hurt you, I never knew you loved me that hard,” in a soft voice. “I’m sorry.”
“I want to believe you,” I tell him, “I really do...but I don’t know if I can, if I ever will.”
“How can I win you back? What do I have to do to prove my love for you?”
“If you have to ask, then I don’t know if you can ever prove it to me,” I say sadly. “I need to go, please let me go.”
He looks determined, “I’ll let you go now, but you will be mine again, Jade, this I know as surely as I’m standing here, as surely as my heart beats and my cock hardens every time I see you. We are one person now, you know this, you just have to remember.”
“I want to remember,” I reply, my stupid tears sliding down my cheeks. “I can’t do this here, though.”
As if waking up from a dream, we realize where we are. A couple of students are walking down the hallway towards us, their loud laughter echoing along the walls. We’ve been lucky to be alone for these few minutes, but our luck just ran out.
“Come with me for lunch. I can’t let you go now that I have you again,” he says and takes my hand. We leave his office; he shuts the door and looks at me.
Resisting the urge to slide into this shared delusion, I give my fucking head a shake and tell him no. I hear him call my name as I book it out of there, away from him. I pause at the corner, just out of sight and hear him swearing as he fumbles with the keys to lock his office door. My heart is pounding, but now that I’ve decided to run, I do it well. I don’t stop moving again until I’m safely back in my apartment, tucked under my covers sobbing like I’ve lost everything. Again.
Rev comes to me that night, but senses something has changed. He’s inside of me, on top of me, and I’m desperately trying to drive Hush from my body by using Rev’s, when he stops. “Are you alright?” he asks. I open my eyes and look at him, his earnest handsome face, and I burst into tears.
He rolls off me and take me in his arms. His kindness is more than I deserve, I am horrid for what I’ve done to him, I have given him false hope that there could ever be anything between us. I cry quietly, trying to force myself to calm down before I reach the snot filled, red-faced level of crying that I hate. He strokes my hair and whispers, “It’s ok. Everything will be ok.”
“It’s not ok,” I sob. “I am such a bitch.” I slide over and sit up, looking at him. He’s so cute and looks so genuinely concerned. I sniffle and manage to say, “I saw Hush today.”
His face goes dark, I’ve never seen Rev in a bad mood, he’s the happiest, funniest man I know, but I am worried I might have just pushed him too far. “Ok, where did you see him? Did you fuck him?” he asks slowly, carefully choosing his words.
I wince. “Of course I didn’t fuck him!” I say, “I saw him at school, he was in one of my classes.”
“Wait, he followed you to class? That’s fucking creepy.”
“He didn’t follow, he was doing a presentation. He’s actually a PhD student, can you believe it?” My voice is quiet, but I cannot hide the pride I feel at his accomplishment.
“Are you fucking kidding me? And this impresses you? For fucks sake Jade, the guy left you shattered! I’m the one who picked up the fucking pieces! I’m the one who’s been here for you, I can’t believe you!”
He’s really angry now, understandably so. What can I possibly say to him that’s not going to hurt him? Nothing really, so fuck it, I’m going in…”I know that, but it doesn’t matter. I love him. I’m in love with him. I like you so much...you’re hot and sweet and so fucking crazy in bed...but it’s just not there with us, you must know that by now.”
His lips are pressed tight in a thin line and he shakes his head. He gets off the bed and says, “I don’t need this shit. Enjoy life with your fucking liar.”
“Rev, come on, don’t be like that. I’m not going back to him. I’m just giving myself a chance to figure this out. You deserve a girl who wants to be with you one hundred percent.”
He’s putting his clothes on though, he slides his jeans on and I can’t help but admire his long, muscular legs. How did I never notice the tattoo going up the side of his thigh? It’s an incredible Asian tiger in vivid colours. It’s like I never really looked at him in all the time we spent together. I feel like even more of a piece of shit. I used him and I do care about him.
I jump out of bed and throw on an oversized tee shirt. He’s doing up his belt when I come to him. I stand in front of him; he is so tall I’m staring at his beautifully tattooed chest. How did I never notice this either? He’s really built, his pecs are covered in gorgeous tribal ink, swirling and linking up, celtic knots and a greek key pattern around his bicep. Have I been sleeping the entire time I’ve been fucking him? “Rev, look at me,” I demand, staring up at him. His jaw is twitching and his movements are jerky. He shrugs his shirt on and starts doing up the buttons.
“Get the fuck out of my way, I can’t look at you,” he says, his voice is low and full of hurt. I did that, and my heart feels like lead. I never wanted to hurt him, but I needed him.
“I like you, please don’t go, can we talk about this? I’m not with him,” I say weakly. We both know I’m lying. I might not be with him now, but it’s inevitable that I will be eventually. I can feel that coming like the vibrations of a freight train on the tracks. I will be slammed by Hush again, it’s not if, but when.
“Is this because I don’t have his money? I’m not a rich guy, but I love-” he says, and cuts himself off, “forget it, fuckin’ forget it.” He pulls his socks on and I notice how nice his feet are, clean and elegant looking. Weird, I usually notice things like that. Men always have such nasty feet.
“This has nothing to do with his money,” I say, “I don’t know why I feel this way, I just do. Sometimes when you meet somebody, you know they are meant to be in your life,” I continue. “I don’t know how to explain it to you, it just feels like he needs to be near me, and I need to be near him. I don’t want to hurt you, Rev, please look at me.”
He won’t, he walks to the door, pulls his boots on without lacing them and slides his arms into his leather jacket. He looks good but so hurt and angry, I hate to see him go, but I know I have to.
“I hope he doesn’t break you,” he says, finally looking at me. “I can’t be mad at you, Jade, I know you’re following your heart, but I can tell you that it’s taking you in the wrong direction.”
And with that he opens the front door and is gone. I feel like I should do something, like run after him, but I don’t. I walk back to bed, strip naked and climb under the covers. I feel relief that I’m no longer using somebody I care about, and that I’m free to see what happens with Hush, but I will miss the steady presence of Rev in my life.
Chapter Twelve
Jade the Asshole
I text Rev again, hoping I’ll hear back from him this time. It’s been three days and I worry I’ve lost his friendship forever. I still feel pretty shitty about how I handled the whole thing; I can’t believe I convinced myself that he could replace Hush in my life.
I have heard from Hush nonstop, but I barely reply to his texts and phone calls and emails and tweets and Facebook messages. He’s a man obsessed and I do kinda like it, but I also need to make sure he’s serious about us before I give in.
I don’t know why I need to make him jump through a few more hoops before I bring him back into my bed, but I sense it’s important to make him realize how much he values me before I fuck him again.
I never want to be just his whore again. I want to be more, his everything, as important to him as he is to me. To make certain that I exist in his every cell as he does in mine. Until I’m sure of this, I can’t let my heart be torn from my chest again. I need to protect it.
I stretch my cramped leg, I’ve been sitting cross legged on my bed reading the college’s online catalogue on my phone for the last hour. I want to plan next term as soon as possible, before I wake from this dream. I still can’t believe that Jade Daniels, loser high school dropout, slut and boozy cokehead, is pulling straight A’s in college. I pinch myself just to be sure, then laugh at my goofiness. It’s pretty late, but I don’t have class in the morning so I’m good. I’m enjoying the silence of the empty apartment, something I never thought I would be able to do. I can occasionally hear the bitch upstairs walking here and there, but I’ve been doing my best to be nice to her. Eva was right, that cunt takes tap dancing lessons in stripper shoes, I swear. Whenever she’s angry, she stomps until I almost lose my fucking mind. Then I remember she’s got the power, like everything else in life, whoever’s on top is in charge. I usually like being topped, but not like this.
Mr. McAdams from downstairs has his TV cranked again. Thank god at least one of my neighbours is hearing impaired and still loves me. I hear the late night news signing off and smile. These small moments of peace are coming to me more often lately. I think I’m starting to appreciate the little shit that makes life special. Oh my God, I sound like a fucking greeting card, I need a swig of gin to wash the hippy dippy happiness out of my mouth. I feel like I just sucked a Care Bear’s dick, I’m so full of cute right now.
I get up and pad to the kitchen. I open the bottle, pour a drink and am startled by a tap tapping at my living room window. Since I’m on the second floor, this kinda scares the shit outta me. I cross the room and push the blind aside; Hush is standing out front with a handful of pebbles. He sees me and grins, holds up his hand and launches another one. Fuck, I wave at him to stop and he waves back like a goofy greeting. I hold my phone up and text him, “WTF r u doing?”
