by Webb, Peggy
“There’s no use trying to get out,” Swifty yells after us. “There ain’t no windows and we’ll be standing out here with our shotguns.”
He slams the door and Lovie whispers, “What shotguns? Does he think we’re morons?”
“Maybe their absent partner is coming with weapons.”
She puts her hands to her lips and we hear a heated argument on the other side of the door.
“Where is it?” Ralph asks.
“I thought you had it.”
“No, it was you.”
“Well, I ain’t got it now.”
“You’d better go get it before the ants do. The Boss said to feed them.”
Lovie sprawls on the bed and kicks her boots off. “Sounds like we’ve got a banquet coming, Cal.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat worms.”
“You may have to.” She begins pulling the contents of the medicine chest out of her cleavage.
“Holy cow! What is all that?”
“As far as I’m concerned it sugar and spice and everything nice. Hand me that Ex-Lax and the weapon.”
“Lovie, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Yes. As soon as I get into that kitchen.”
I’m not even going to ask. Lovie has more tricks up her sleeve than any femme fatale I ever knew. Actually, she’s the only one I know.
We both get off the bed and prowl around until we find a loose board underneath the desk. It takes a bit of tugging, but we finally lift it out and stash our stolen goods.
“Do you think they’ll miss all this, Cal?”
“They probably don’t even know it was in there. This cabin looks as if it hasn’t been used in a while.”
“I wonder who it belongs to.”
“Maybe the boss.” I straighten up and rifle through the desk drawers, but I turn up nothing more interesting than a theater stub that’s so old I can’t even read the name of the movie. Still, the name of the theater is visible.
“It’s in Oxford, Lovie.” I hand her the ticket and she takes a closer look.
“You think we’re in the Holly Springs National Forest?”
“If I had to guess, I’d say yes.”
We hear the locks turning, and I leap onto the bed to strike my dying woman pose. It features rolling myself into the fetal position and covering my face with my hands, as if can’t bear to see the rapidly fading world. Still, I keep a bird’s eye view of the room through my middle and index fingers.
“We’ve got food, and don’t you broads try anything.” Swifty comes through the door bearing a plate, which he plops onto the desk. Ralph is right behind him, wielding a large plank like a baseball bat.
Lovie ignores both of them, stomps to the desk and yells, “What is this?”
“Rice.” Ralph doesn’t look too happy about it, either.
“Callie can’t get well on this!” Lovie upends the plate into the trash. “She needs meat.”
“Don’t we all?” Swifty says, and Ralph tells him to shut up.
I see the ghost of a grin coming across Lovie’s face. She lowers her head and starts inspecting her fingernails.
“You know, cooking is my business. Roast beef and gravy, ham hock with red beans and rice, chocolate cake that melts in your mouth.”
Swifty is looking downright euphoric, but Ralph snaps out, “Ain’t nobody interested in your business.”
“Wait a minute, Ralph. Who said we had to starve?”
“If I get hungry, I’ll go to McDonald’s.”
“I can eat there any time. How many chances am I ever going to have to eat gourmet cooking?”
Swifty pronounces the t at the end of gourmet. He’s got his hands in his pockets, rocking back and forth, the stance of a man suddenly hopeful about his future meals.
“What the boss doesn’t know won’t hurt,” he adds. Visions of chocolate cake are now dancing in his head. He’s starting to salivate.
“Chocolate with cherries,” Lovie says. “I’d let you lick the bowl.”
“Ralph?” Swifty is pleading now.
“We ain’t got that kind of food here.”
Swifty digs into his pockets and comes out with a twenty. “How much you got?”
“I ain’t doing it.”
“You just plan on eating rice while the boss enjoys steak and potatoes? It’s got bugs in it, Ralph.”
Ralph turns a mean-eyed look in Lovie’s direction. “If I let you in that kitchen, you better not try any funny stuff, you hear?”
She holds her empty hands out, palms up. “What kind of funny stuff would I pull? I’m just a gourmet cook who had the bad fortune to end up an innocent victim in your boss’ scheme.”
“Yeah, Ralph. She’s a victim.” Swifty’s staring at Lovie, salivating over something besides food.
“So are you.” Lovie’s turned up the heat and Swifty’s feeling the flames. “I think it’s a downright shame your boss didn’t reward you for all your hard work with something to eat besides rat-infested rice. Who wants to get sick on account of somebody else? Right?”
“I ain’t about to eat no rat droppings, Ralph. Besides, I can take care of that other little matter while I’m out and about.”
I hope he’s talking about selling my truck, but he could be talking about bringing back weapons.
Ralph nods, and Swifty heads toward the door. When he’s almost there, he turns and winks at Lovie from behind his ski mask.
“I’m going to get some food, doll face.”
Lovie claps her hands and strikes a sweet girly pose. “How wonderful! Shall I make a little list?”
I’m glad I’m on the bed with my face covered up so they can’t see my grin.
Elvis’ Opinion #6 on the Dead, the Ridiculous and the Ought-to-be Dead
I’m standing guard at the door of the séance room at Gas, Grits and Guts. It’s dark as the ace of spades in here, no windows and no lights except the two white candles burning on the table.
My job is to keep Jarvetis or any of the customers from wandering through the door and interrupting the dead. So far I haven’t seen any ghosts, and I doubt I’m likely to, not with Bobby Huckabee making their transportation arrangements.
He’s sitting at the round table with his hands spread out over a crystal ball, intoning, “Come to me, spirits! The wide path is open.”
Who wants to run all the way to Gas, Grits and Guts on a path?
He might get a better reaction from the dead if he’d comb his hair and straighten his necktie. Listen, if he’d let Darlene issue the summons, there’s no telling who’d take the next train from Heaven.
Her outfit is just over the top. And, let me tell you, it takes a lot for this sequin-loving, cape-sporting dog to call clothing over the top. Her jeans are so tight I’ll bet she can’t breathe, and she’s showing so much flesh at the top of that sweater, one good sneeze would put it all on display. Of course, she’s dressing for Bobby, and who am I to deny her that pleasure? I could tell her, though, that Bobby would be crazy about her even if she wore a plastic garbage bag.
Ruby Nell and Fayrene have ditched their seduction costumes in favor of somber garb that screams they’re just waiting for God to call them home.
“We don’t want the dead to notice us,” was the way Ruby Nell put it, and Fayrene chimed in with, “Agreed. We don’t want to scare them off with a pubic display.”
What they don’t want is for Charlie and Jack to come back from their kidnapper hunt and find them looking like two escaped strippers. This dog can read suspicious minds.
Bobby grabs Darlene’s hand then throws his head back and shouts, “Come!”
All of a sudden, the candles flicker and Bobby sets in to moaning.
Listen, if the King steps out of the sky and spreads that famous smile around this room, I’m liable to start barking in Chinese.
“Speak to me,” Bobby whispers.
I don’t know who he’s talking to. It’s so dark in here I can barely see my own handsome self.
“Roy Jessup,” he says. “Is that you?”
The women are leaning toward the center of the table like they see somebody, but this dog is here to tell you if Mooreville’s deceased feed and seed man materializes, there won’t be anything left to guard the door but an empty spot.
“It’s Roy,” Darlene whispers. “He always wore Old Spice aftershave.”
“That’s him! ” Fayrene has a voice loud enough to wake the dead. “I wonder if you’ve seen my cousin Helen up there, Roy. Jarvetis always said she went in the other direction.”
“What I want to know is who took Callie and Lovie?” Ruby Nell is all but shouting.
“Shhh, you two,” Darlene says in a loud whisper. “You’re going to scare him away.”
“If that’s Roy, he’d better speak up.” Ruby Nell leans so far across the table she nearly singes her hair on a candle. “Did Jewel do this? I’ll bet you a pretty, she did.”
“Roy didn’t come from the prism, Ruby Nell,” Fayrene tells her. “He flew down from the spirit world. Isn’t that right, Darlene?”
Darlene rolls her eyes and Bobby runs his hand under his collar. The candles have stopped flickering.
“Mama, nobody is going to come to a séance if you two keep up this talking.” Darlene turns to Bobby. “Isn’t that right?”
He searches the ceiling for his answer. I’m dead level certain he’s not about to speak a single word against the woman he views as his future mother-in-law. Nor Ruby Nell, either, for that matter. He’s not about to jeopardize his job as assistant undertaker to Charlie Valentine.
“Let’s try this again,” he says. “Everybody quiet and with eyes closed this time.”
Everybody shuts their eyes except Ruby Nell and yours truly. The rest of the gang can let the dead blindside them if they want to. I just want to see which way I need to run.
This time Bobby tells the dead they ought to come on down on a silver cloud, which sounds like a silly way to travel. At the very least, he ought to have offered them a sweet chariot. If he’d turn this dog loose for a good old round of gospel singing, there’s no telling who’d hitch a ride from the hereafter.
The candles flicker again and suddenly I hear this scratching sound that makes my hackles come up.
“It’s a woman,” Bobby whispers. “And she’s got something to say.”
If he’d listen to me, he’d know she has plenty to say. And every word of it as crooked as my hind leg.
The scratching comes again, and Fayrene yells, “It’s Aunt Helen.”
The door is shoved open and yours truly nearly looses all balance.
“Sorry to disappoint you.” The lady is no lady at all. And she’s certainly not a ghost. But let me tell you, she ought to be. “Hi, everybody! I’m Linda LeLane. And we have good news!”
“Where’s Jack?” Ruby Nell sizes up the cake girl with a look that says you can bet your biscuits Linda LeLane won’t be on her Christmas card list.
“He’s just exhausted from searching for the girls. I told him and Charlie to grab a few winks and let me bring everybody up to date.”
Since when has this woman been in charge of what Charlie does, let alone my human dad? I don’t like the way this smells.
“You said you have news,” Darlene reminds her.
“Yes. I’ve found a lead that points to an enemy Jack made a few years back when we were in New Orleans.”
We? Already I don’t like the sound of this.
“As soon as he grabs a nap, we’re going to head that way.” She marches over and pats Ruby Nell on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about a thing. Jack and I will have your daughter’s kidnapper in custody within a week.”
“A week?” Ruby Nell shrugs the hand off her shoulder. “What I want to know is, where’s Callie? She could be dead by then.”
“Of course you want to know, you poor dear.”
When Ruby Nell rises out of her chair in her black caftan, she looks like the Angel of Death herself, descended on Bobby’s silver cloud to snatch Linda LeLane into the Great Beyond.
“I’m not your dear, and I’m for sure not letting you go off with my son-in-law to New Orleans! Move out of my way!”
She pushes past the messenger who has suddenly run out of good tidings to bear. I trot along right behind her. Let Darlene deal with Cake Girl. She’s more than capable. Before you can say PupPeroni, she’ll be reading Linda LeLane’s horoscope and painting her fingernails fire engine red.
When Ruby Nell gets over by the pickled pigs’ lips, she whips her cell phone out of her purse.
“Jack, what’s this I hear about you taking that slut down to New Orleans?”
“Just hang loose, Ruby Nell.”
I can tell two things from hearing my human dad. Jack has not been sleeping and he’s not planning to play hanky panky behind my human mama’s back.
“Hang loose, my foot. I’m not about to sit around on my royal butt while this woman snatches my son-in-law from the very altar.”
“That’s not happening.”
“What is happening, Jack?”
“I can’t tell you yet, Ruby Nell. All I can say is that Charlie and I have a firm lead.”
“What about Callie?”
“I hope to have this case wrapped up and have her home before the night is over.”
“If I weren’t so mad at that Linda LeDevious, I’d cry.”
Jack chuckles. “I don’t believe you’re even close to crying, Ruby Nell. Just keep out of trouble and don’t go trying to seduce any more senior gentlemen.”
“How’d you know?”
“Charlie told me.”
“Charlie? Flitter, what does he know? He can’t keep up with me.”
“He does. Now, Ruby Nell, I want you to do two things for me.”
“Anything. Unless I disagree or need to do something different.”
“Take Fayrene and Darlene down to the farm and cook the best fried chicken meal you can. Charlie and I are coming for dinner.”
“I hope that Linda LeLane is not coming, too. I wouldn’t let that witch put her feet under my table if my hair was on fire and she had the only bucket of water.”
“That’s the second thing, Ruby Nell. I want you to invite her to dinner, too.”
“I wouldn’t invite that heifer to dinner if my hair was on fire and she had the only fire hose.”
“Now, be nice, Ruby Nell. I need her there.”
“Well, all right. Since you put it that way.”
“Good. Now, I need you to take her a message for me. Tell her that Charlie and I won’t need her the rest of the afternoon.”
“That’s music to my ears!”
Jack chuckles. “I thought it would be. And, Ruby Nell, while you’re on the farm, start thinking how you can get everybody back together for the wedding.”
“I can do that, but there’s just one thing you ought to know.”
“What’s that?”
“I think you’re going to find your culprit is Jewel Moffett, out for revenge and pulling some strings from prison.”
“I’m already checking that out, Ruby Nell.”
“Is she guilty?”
“I’ll let you know.”
Ruby Nell pockets her phone and hurries off to the séance room with yours truly keeping pace. Listen, Jack’s counting on me and this dog extraordinaire is not about to let him down.
We burst through the door, and just as I predicted, Darlene has nabbed a newspaper while we were gone and is consulting Linda LeLane’s horoscope.
“It says right here, gird yourself for the unexpected.”
“Yes, but I don’t see how that translates into you painting my fingernails purple.”
“Because you said you always use red!”
“Sorry, but I don’t have time for this.” Linda stands up and calls attention to her figure by acting like she’s smoothing wrinkles off her pants. “I’ve got to catch up with Jack.”
What about Charlie? Cake Girl had better watch o
ut or I’ll be teaching her hands off the hard way.
“I don’t think so.” Ruby Nell’s grin is deliciously malevolent. “Jack sent a message he won’t need you the rest of the afternoon.”
Somebody ought to tell Linda LeLane that when she scowls that way she’s making wrinkles. Her display of anger is gone as quickly as it came, and she gives Ruby Nell this big, fake smile.
“Well, of course. That gives me time to catch up on a few other things.”
“That’s fine, but make sure you’re at my house in time for dinner.” Ruby Nell looks like she’s swallowed something bitter.
“Thanks, but I’ll pass.”
“Jack’s going to be disappointed,” Ruby Nell tells her.
“Jack?”
“Yes. My son-in-law requested a big shindig down at the house and he said to make sure you’re there.”
“He did?” Linda LeLane’s mood changes faster than the names of Lovie’s boyfriends.
“Yes. Dinner will be at eight.”
Fayrene swoops toward Linda LeLane and catches a hold of her upper arm.
“Forget about eight o’clock, hon, and come with me. We’re all going down to the farm to help Ruby Nell, and you don’t want to miss a minute it.”
Ruby Nell looks at Fayrene like she’s lost her last marble. Who wants to spend more time with Cake Girl than he has to, that’s what I want to know? But some kind of secret code passes between the women and Ruby Nell falls right in with Fayrene’s plans.
“It’s my special recipe.” Ruby Nell grabs Linda’s other arm. “Come on now. We just need you to climb into the hearse.”
“The hearse?” Linda turns two shades paler.
“Absolutely!” Fayrene urges her toward the door. “We’ll make room for you with the ghosts.”
“Oh my God!” Linda tries to twist loose, but Bobby and Darlene come up behind her.
“We’re all going to help Ruby Nell with dinner,” Darlene says. “My horoscope said I’d making new friends today, and you’re it.”
Bobby and Darlene give each other the high five behind Linda’s back. I’d get in on the act, but I’d fall on my ample but handsome butt if I tried to get my paw that high.
We all crowd through the door and manage to get Linda into the hearse, squeezed between Bobby and Darlene.
