by Jolene Perry
And my stupid vision. The one I’ve gotten from Landon, and am getting from both Steven and Brigitte. I’m not sure how much thought I want to put into it—the whole intense situation involving Micah thing. Do I really want to know if I can’t change it? There was someone else there. Were we in trouble together? Or was it something I should start carrying pepper spray for?
“You look pretty.”
My eyes snap open at the sound of Landon’s voice. He’s standing over me. My hair is out in the sand, and the sun is warm on my face. I gasp quietly. This is it. The first picture I saw in my head. I sit up, heart hammering. Did I bring myself here on purpose? I’m not sure. But I do know what he’s thinking, and I find confidence from it. The confusion from earlier is gone. This moment is all mine. All ours.
“This is an unexpected reaction from someone who loves her scowl so much.” He chuckles and sits next to me.
I’m smiling.
“I didn’t know you’d be down here.” And I’m already breathless.
“Practice finished up. I showered off and went in search of you.”
“And here I am.”
“And my keys.”
I pull them from my pocket and toss them to him.
“How was it?” He smirks.
“I was too nervous to enjoy your car,” I admit.
“Well, maybe some other time then.” His broad shoulders pull on his green T-shirt, just accentuating how athletic he is.
What is he doing here with me? And, other time? It’ll happen again. That thought hits me hard, bringing another wave of happiness and disbelief through me.
“Maybe.” I smile.
His eyes are intent. “I want to know what you saw, or what you see, when you touch me. Please?” He leans toward me until our faces are so close that we almost touch. I can feel the heat from his skin.
“You just saw what I saw.” My chest squeezes in anticipation of his reaction.
“You?” His eyebrows pull together.
“Me.” I nod. “In the sun, looking down on me, just like you were.” And next, we’re supposed to kiss, but I can’t bring myself to say it. My heart begins a frantic pace, and for the first time I sort of get ‘worth the risk’.
“Anything else?”
I immediately look down and swallow hard. We’re too close together for me to tell him the rest of what I see. It’s too much, too personal. I feel his hand, warm, underneath my chin. I see our kiss again, the boathouse in the background, his hand stretched out and touching me.
“Micah?”
“I...” I let my eyes drift back to his face, and then I feel him, his lips, his kiss. The picture disappears. I’m in this moment. Me. I’m feeling his lips on mine.
His hand slides around behind my neck, pulling us closer, sending the most incredible shivers through me.
“Now are you going to tell me what you see when I touch you?” His lips brush mine as he speaks.
“This. I saw this, but it’s not right, I can’t see the boathouse.” His hand is still on the back of my neck, gently holding us close.
“I can.”
My arms pull on him. We need to be closer. I felt his feelings, I trust him. He kisses me again, more certain this time. Our kiss deepens and it’s exciting and exhilarating and my nerves are dancing hoping I’m doing this right. Wanting more. Wishing I could still feel what he feels.
He starts to pull away, and I grab his hand, keeping him from breaking contact.
“I was just going to kiss you once.“ He chuckles once and kisses the side of my face.
“Right.” I smile.
“Do you still see it? Us?”
“The picture doesn’t stay. It just flashes.” I shake my head.
“So, now that it’s over. Will it be different?” He raises his eyebrows.
“I don’t know.”
He pulls away before I can grab him.
“Hey.” I’m almost afraid of what I’ll see when he touches me again.
He reaches out and touches my cheek. It’s what’s happening now. I can feel it though, from him. He’s happy, content. He likes me, a lot, and I’m able to relax again.
“It’s now.” My body leans forward just enough to catch his lips with mine. I pull him back toward me. He doesn’t hesitate. Knowing what he feels, knowing he wants this as much as I do, gives me the need to have him closer. It feels like I’ll never be tired of his lips on mine. Why did I ever fight against this?
***
He lets go of my hand again as we walk up to our houses. I know what he’s doing. He’s testing me. He reaches out and grabs my hand again. Still now.
“I’m not a toy, you know.” I pull away and then realize that it’s just going to give him an excuse to reach out and touch me again.
“I’m totally falling for you.” He stops and stares.
My heart immediately starts racing. “You’re—” I whisper. I believe him. I know it because I’ve felt it. I’ve felt it from him. But it’s crazy. I just moved here. We barely met. But we know each other. In ways, and with one secret, he knows me better than anyone. How did this happen?
His hand comes out and takes mine. I close my eyes and let myself experience every part of what I see.
We’re in my room. We’re kissing. We’re on my bed. Our skin is pressed together. Love. I know exactly what’s going to happen next. There’s soft light making patterns on the bed and across the walls.
I know what he feels, what he wants, and as nervous as it makes me, I know it’ll happen. But I don’t know if I can do that. Not now. Not soon.
His lips are on mine before I can think or react. “Still now?” he whispers.
“No.” I pull away as my cheeks heat up. “Future.” I don’t trust myself to say anymore.
“Good future?” His grin spreads.
“Good future.” I nod and swallow. Am I actually considering this? Am I actually considering him, for…? But I can’t finish the thought. It’s too much to take in right now. “Touch me again.”
I feel him move away. I close my eyes and wait for it. His lips touch mine first, and it hits me again, our bodies pressed together, patterned light, my bed. His lips seem to intensify the moment I see in my head. I put my arms around his neck and pull him toward me, both thrilled and afraid of what I see.
“Landon!” A man’s voice booms across the yard.
I jerk my arms off of his neck and step back. We’re only partway up the hill, but I’m sure there’s no mistaking what we’re doing.
“The Senator calls.” He keeps my hand in his, not letting me make the escape I want to. “Maybe you’ll show me what you saw later?”
“Maybe I will.” I’m scared now. I can see Landon’s dad over his shoulder. His face is turned down in a deep scowl. “He doesn’t look happy.” I let go of his hand and start to turn away. “You should go.”
“Well, it can’t be that bad.” Landon chuckles. “Or you would have seen something.”
I turn back to him, images of what I did see flooding my head. On my bed, lips on mine, hands on me.
“Or.” His smile is wide. “Whatever you see is even more powerful than the angry man waiting for me up there.”
“Or that.” I force out. Because it probably is. At least it wasn’t the whole—something’s going on with Micah in the dark near the creek thing that’s blocking out his angry dad. Or maybe Landon’s dad angry isn’t enough to push anything else away from his thoughts.
Senator Michaels is still a ways away, but his eyes are scanning the trees, and not us. Is he as paranoid as me? Or are there things in the woods that shouldn’t be here? I swallow the lump that’s lodged itself in my throat as I think about the possibility and about my first weird meeting with Senator Michaels.
“See you soon.” Landon finally turns to head up toward his house.
I glance up at his dad who’s throwing the full force of his glare on Landon. I’m wondering what’s going on, and I’m hoping that it doesn’t have anything to
do with me. His dad looks serious, and the thought of losing one of two people who knows what I do is terrifying.
***
“Welcome,” Mom says as I walk in the door. Ethan’s on the couch with her.
“Nice to see you again, Micah.” Ethan waves.
“You too.” I watch him shift slightly away from Mom in my presence. I hold in a chuckle at his reaction. Mom takes his arm, keeping him close.
“Oh, you got your packet from University of Washington today. It’s on the table.” Mom doesn’t even attempt to mask her excitement over me possibly going to school so close.
“Okay.” I don’t know how I feel about it. How am I supposed to be excited about school when I have no idea what I want to do? Bumping into students all over campus is starting to cause me anxiety. And, if I’m being honest, being away from Landon is starting to cause me anxiety. It shouldn’t. Right? I mean, a kiss doesn’t mean forever or anything. And I’ll keep telling myself this because the logical side of me knows this to be true. My heart wants to grab his hand, run away, and never look back. We could live in his car. On his boat.
“What have you been up to?” Mom asks.
I blush at the memory. “I’m gonna grab a snack.” I turn to the kitchen, thankful there’s a door. I need the privacy. If Mom wants to follow she can. I don’t mind talking to Mom, but I’m not ready to talk to Mom and her new boyfriend.
“What’s going on?” Mom asks in a quiet voice as she walks in.
“I don’t want to interrupt.” I pull an apple from the fridge and find a box of crackers. And I’m also not sure how much to tell her. It’s Mom. We should be fine. I can say anything. Well, almost.
“Micah, you know better. You and I can always talk. It doesn’t matter what I have going on. You and Landon?” She’s taking a guess.
I smile through my bite of apple. “I like him.”
“He’s a good kid. They’re all good people.” Mom leans a hip against the counter. “His dad is a little distracted, but I like him, and I like his mom, too.”
“We kissed.” I take another bite to give myself something to do. And I saw us together, together. So, yeah. Can’t tell Mom everything.
“This is big for you, huh?” Mom crosses her arms.
“This is big.” I nod. “Go back out and sit with your man,” I tease.
She shifts away from the counter. “I think I will.” She stops at the door. “Would it be weird if I didn’t come home for a night? I mean, would you be okay here alone?”
“So, this is big for you, huh?” I grin and take another bite.
“This is big.” Smiling wide, she pushes the kitchen door open with her back, and steps through.
I start some water for mac and cheese. The table is littered with my U of W packet. What am I going to do? I flip through the material, student activities, class schedules but nothing jumps out at me. The pictures of campus are filled with people. I hate crowds. How would I avoid that?
When the timer for my noodles goes off, I mix in extra cheese and bring my bowl back to the table. I slide the university papers aside and pick up one of Mom’s magazines from the stack of mail. Better.
The door opens again, and Ethan steps through.
“Uh…hi.” He smiles his kind smile at me. “Your mom asked for some water.”
I take a glass out of the dishwasher, fill it up, and hand it to him.
“Thanks.” He starts to turn. “I know we haven’t really spoken much, Micah.”
“It’s okay.” It’s easy to see how he feels about Mom, and I already know how she feels about him. There’s no way to justify any kind of anger over that, not that I’m angry, it just feels odd.
“I like your mom. I hope you two stick around for a while.” He puts his hand on the door.
I just nod. What am I supposed to say to him?
He pushes the door open and walks out.
I’m relieved to be alone again. I flip another page in the magazine when my phone rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Micah. I survived.” Landon laughs.
“So, what happened with your dad?” I sit back on my chair and take another cheesy bite of noodles.
“I got in trouble for a party that happened like, weeks ago. Oh, the one where you and I rescued Lisa.”
“Rescued?” It feels like a rather dramatic term for stopping two people in a stupid situation.
“You know what I mean. So, Dad saw us kissing and was all kinds of upset. He grilled me on a million things about you and us and how long we’ve been together… Mom talked him down. She adores your mother and doesn’t see the harm in it, as long as we’re careful. And then she starts to give me this speech about caring and Dad just hands me condoms and tells me I better not get anyone knocked up.”
I redden at his last comment—completely relieved he’s not here. “So, it could have been worse.”
“Yeah, but I’m almost disappointed. I figured the worse it was in there, the better whatever you saw is going to be.” His voice is probing.
“Maybe it went better with your parents because you didn’t care so much and kept your hot head to yourself,” I suggest.
“Are you going to tell me?”
“I’m…undecided. I’m afraid it won’t happen if I do or that it won’t happen the way it should or...” and I really, really, have no idea what to think about it right now.
“I meant it, you know. I like you, Micah. A lot.”
I feel the squeeze in my heart that I felt when I watched Dad and Carol except there’s no twinge of jealousy. “We just met, Landon.”
“Oh, great.” His voice sounds hurt.
“Landon, I don’t even have friends. Apparently I write ‘screw you’ on my forehead.” I hope he understands. I want him to.
“Okay.” His voice still sounds low.
“This is all new for me. All of it.” The touching, the closeness, talking to someone my own age…
“It is for me, too. I don’t, you know, share stuff with people. And I trust you.”
“Not the same.” I shake my head.
“Of course it’s not the same, Micah, but you have to realize that I’ve never even attempted something that meant something, and we mean something.”
“We?” My heart flutters at the reference of us as a team.
“Yes, you and I. We.” He lets out a breath. “A group of us are going to do a get-together in honor of Lacey this weekend. Everything else has been tinged with parents and messages about drinking, and we want a night that’s for her. I mean, I know you barely knew her, but you’ll come, right?”
I’m drowning now. I have to tell him. “Would you give me a ride to school tomorrow?” I ask. I can tell him then. On the way to school. Or anytime before the weekend. There are a few days left…
“I’m planning on it.”
“Thanks.” Thank you for feeling this way about me and giving me hope to have something real, some closeness.
I have to give him something. Something to show him I want him. I take a deep breath before pushing out he words. “I can’t wait to kiss you again.”
“You have no idea.”
I let each of his words fill me as I hang up. Landon wants me.
The tingles of happiness drift from my chest and fill me as I slide down to lying on my bed. And then I think about what I need to tell him, about Lacey, and wonder if there’s any chance of sleep tonight.
SEVENTEEN
I step outside to get away from Mom and Ethan snuggled up on the couch. Landon might not want to see his uncle making out with my mom. Actually, I don’t want to see Landon’s Uncle making out with my mom.
All day today I wanted to say something to Landon but didn’t. How do I start a conversation about his dead friend? I’m aware I’m completely pathetic, but I feel like I have this thread of a relationship with him, and that it’s still just too fragile.
Or I’m too much of a wimp. One of the two.
The massive trees surrounding o
ur small house make the night even darker and our small porch light doesn’t reach far. I sit in the bed of Ethan’s truck to wait for Landon.
A branch sways. The movement catches the corner of my eye, and I squint into the darkness, heart pounding, but see nothing.
“Landon? Is that you?” Already my heart’s beating so fast that it’s difficult to breathe.
No answer.
Something made the branch move, just like something brushed against the large ferns the other day.
Like a complete moron I slide off the back of the truck and walk toward where I saw the flicker of shadow, but nothing’s there. I rub my hands together and then up and down my arms. The spring night turned cold fast. I see movement again, but can’t even make out a shape, almost like the dark is moving or a shadow. Okay, so once or twice I could ignore, but to see the same kind of thing again? That can’t be a coincidence, can it?
My hands rub harder trying to get rid of the goose bumps that have nothing to do with the cold.
The shadows roam the earth, searching for their descendants, wanting to pull them into their world and—
“Hey.”
“Ah!” I jump at the sound of Landon’s voice.
“You’re jumpy tonight.” He reaches his arms around me and puts our lips together before I can answer. I see our night together again. His light jacket. My pajama pants. The light. The pattern of the branches in my room. Our kiss. His hands.
It takes me a moment to recover from the closeness of him, our kiss, and the picture I keep seeing of us together. I back my face away from his and look over my shoulder. “I thought I saw something.” I squint toward the woods again.
“Right…” He grins. “I think you’ve been watching too many horror movies. Actually, if you had, you would have known that you should always, always stay in the light.” He reaches around my waist and throws me over his shoulder, running us back into the circle of yellow light surrounding the porch. The vision of the intense mood of us in my room is a stark contrast to how he has me slung over his body.
My protest comes out in a screech of laughter. “Landon! Put me down!”
