by J. M. Klein
"Hurry up," she said. ''This will be so much fun!"
My heart is pounding. I am so nervous. I don't know what improv means. I have never played a theater game before. I have been lying all week. But I don't know how to pretend this. I don't know how to pretend to play a game I've never heard of.
I am going to have to, though. I can't tell Hailey I don't know what improv means. I can't even Google it. My phone is in my bag in the living room. I am just going to have to keep pretending.
It will be okay. I will write it down now so that I will remember.
Don't tell anyone the truth!!
You are a drama star!!
You can do this!
YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!
I have no choice. I have to try. I have to keep pretending.
If I don't, I will lose all my new friends.
Still Friday
It turns out improv is a way of playing pretend.
You would think by now that I would be good at playing pretend.
But I am not good at improv. I am not good at acting. I am not good at drama club games.
I am a fake.
I ruined everything.
I am back in the bathroom now. I'm waiting for Mom to come pick me up. I told Hailey's mom I wanted to go home. She said that was okay.
It doesn't feel okay. It feels like everything is ending.
At first, the games were fun. Everyone was just laughing and being silly.
We started with a "warm-up." We had to repeat sentences that are hard to say over and over. These are called "tongue twisters." The other girls noticed that I didn't know any tongue twisters.
I said that's because my old drama club said different tongue twisters.
Hailey got excited. "Oh! I love learning new tongue twisters. You have to teach us!”
I said that I forgot them all.
Then we had to pick a card out of a hat. I was so confused. I was going to copy Tasha and see what she did. But then Hailey said I was the “guest” and could go first.
I pulled my card out. All it said was "zookeeper” and "park bench.”
I stared at the card for a long time. Everyone was staring at me. I had no idea what to do.
Finally I asked, "Is this a new game of Go Fish or something?”
Hailey laughed. But then she saw that I wasn't joking. She said I was supposed to pretend to be what was written on the card. Then the others were supposed to guess what the card said.
I tried pretending to be a zookeeper. No one guessed what I was.
Then we played more games where we had to pretend. The games were funny when other kids did them. Tasha made everyone laugh so hard. And Priya is really clever.
But every time it was my turn they had to explain the games to me again. Or I didn't do something right. Or I just looked stupid instead of funny.
The other girls looked really confused.
"Wow, Dani D," Tasha said. Your old drama club didn't play any games?”
And then I did the worst thing I could do.
I told the truth.
“I've never been in drama club before,” I said. "Never.”
I don't know why I said it. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. It felt like all my lies were bubbling up inside of me. Like they were coming out whether I wanted them to or not.
"I wasn't a drama club star in my old school,” I said. "I wasn't popular. I wasn't the lead in all the plays. I've never even been in a play before. I made it all up.”
"I don't get it,” Hailey said. You were lying to us? The whole time?”
"Why?" Tasha asked.
Everyone in the room was staring at me. Everyone was waiting for me to say something.
So I told another secret.
"Because my parents might get a divorce,” I said.
I've never actually said that word out loud before. I don't want them to get a divorce. I want my parents to get back together. I want to think they are only just "taking a break."
"They fight all the time," I said. It was like my mouth wouldn't stop talking. "My dad is far away. And I miss my dad. I miss all my friends."
No one moved. They all kept staring at me. None of them understood. None of their parents were "taking a break." None of them moved.
So I did something even worse.
I started crying.
I cried big, fat, blubbery tears. Crybaby tears. Hailey's eyes widened. Tasha took a step back. Priya's mouth fell open.
And I ran out of the room.
I ran to the bathroom. I locked the bathroom door. And I cried some more.
Hailey's mom came and checked on me after a little while. Not Hailey. She asked if I was okay. That's when I told her I wanted to go home.
I'm not okay. I'm a liar and a fake and scared of everything.
And now everybody knows it.
Later Friday
I am in Mom's car now. We are driving back to my grandparents' house.
No one at the party even said goodbye to me.
Everyone there will tell everyone else at school. No one is ever going to be my friend now.
Mom keeps asking me what's wrong.
"You’ll feel better if you talk about it, Dani" she's saying. "Believe me."
I don't believe her. I don't think there's any way I'm going to feel better.
"Can you at least stop writing in that diary so we can talk?" she asks.
I don't want to talk. I want to keep writing down what she says in my diary. So that's what I do.
Mom keeps sighing. A LOT. She's driving now. But she keeps looking at me like she wants me to talk.
I keep writing.
Then Mom says, "Your dad called me earlier.”
This almost makes me talk. My parents haven't spoken to each other on the phone since Mom and I left. This is all part of their "break."
"He is worried about you," Mom says. "I told him I was worried about you, too.”
WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?
I ask Mom that.
Her answer is stupid.
"Because I am worried about you, Dani,” she says.
I ask her why she's worried. Her reason is even MORE stupid.
"You’ve been trying really, really hard to make new friends" she says. "Maybe a little too hard.”
"Why don't you want me to make friends?" I ask. My mom doesn't get ANYTHING. "Friends are really important"
"I know friends are important," Mom says. "I want you to have friends."
She has a funny way of showing that.
"Dani, I do,” she's saying. "But I'm worried about how you are going about making friends. I worry you are losing yourself."
Uh-oh. I didn't tell Mom I was pretending to be a drama club star. Just that I was trying it out. Does Mom know I've been lying?
"What do you mean?" I ask. "How am I losing myself?”
"You wear different clothes now. You talk differently. You have new hobbies. Sometimes it's like you are becoming a new person. I miss the old Dani."
I sink lower into my seat. "What’s wrong with changing? Don't people change?”
That's what Mom had said when she and Dad decided on their "break.” She said that they had "changed.” If they changed, why can't I?
"Of course people change!” Mom says. "People change all the time. and you are growing up. Change is natural. Change is important. But I worry that you are forcing yourself to change."
Mom pulls the car into the driveway. But we don't get out yet. She looks at me instead.
"I don't want you to think you need to change for people to like you" she says.
Whatever. Mom obviously doesn't remember what it's like to be in middle school.
"I think you are afraid to be yourself," Mom says. "That's what I told your dad, anyway."
WHAT??? SHE TOLD DAD WHAT???
Super Late Friday
It's true. Mom TOLD Dad I was afraid!!!
I don't know how she could do this. I don't know how she could TELL DAD I WAS AFRAID.
My parents can’t even talk about who is supposed to buy milk from the store. They get in fights. But NOW Mom talks to Dad? NOW she tells him things? And she tells him I’M AFRAID?!?!?
This is almost worse than what happened at Hailey's party. I did NOT want Dad to find out I wasn't brave. The whole point of this was to find friends so I wouldn't be scared. So I could be brave again, and Dad could still be proud of me. So he could still be proud of me even though he's far away.
And now everything is RUINED!
Saturday, November 10
All my total secrets are not secrets anymore.
None of them. My diary was supposed to keep everyone from knowing. But it didn't. Everyone found out I’m not a drama club star. My dad found out I'm not brave.
I made everything worse.
I messed up big time.
I've been in my room all day. Mom keeps trying to get me to talk. She tells me my dad is on the phone. He wants to talk to me. But I tell her I just want to be alone.
Because I do. I want to be alone. I don’t want to see how disappointed Dad is. I don’t want to tell Mom I lied. I don’t want to think about how I won’t have any friends Monday in school. I want to pretend that Friday night didn’t happen.
I try pretending that. But then I remember—I actually stink at pretending. That's what got me in trouble in the first place. So I'm just going to stay here. Alone.
Sunday, November 11
Being alone stinks.
Mom made me come out of my room for dinner last night. and for breakfast and lunch today. and she made me do my homework. But other than that I have been in my room. Alone.
I hate it.
It turns out I don't actually want to be alone anymore. I've felt alone for a long, long time. Even before all this happened. I have felt alone ever since we got here. Ever since we left home. Ever since Mom and Dad took a break.
I haven't talked to anyone about my feelings. I didn't tell Emily Grace I was sad. I didn't tell Mom I was lonely. I didn't tell Dad I was scared. I didn't want any of them to know those things. I only wrote my feelings down in my diary.
But Dad knows the truth now. He knows I’m scared. So I might as well tell him all the rest. He is already disappointed that I'm not brave— he might as well also know that I'm a liar. And a fake. It can't really make it that much worse. And then I could talk to him.
I'm going to call Dad.
Sunday night
I forgot my dad wears glasses at night.
I don’t know how I forgot that. I guess I always picture him in his uniform. In my head, he’s always the way he looks when he gets home from work. But at night my dad wears glasses to read.
It's a really strange thing to forget.
He was wearing his glasses when he answered my video chat. He had on my favorite green hoodie. He was drinking out of his favorite mug. and he smiled when he saw me. Like I was the best thing he'd seen all day.
“Dani! I’ve been trying to call you all week. Didn’t you get my messages?”
He looked sad. He looked lonely. I didn’t mean to make my dad sad or lonely. I only wanted to wait to talk to him when I had friends again. I wanted to feel happy so I could act brave. So I could be the Dani my dad needs me to be.
But I’m not. And pretending to be a new me has only made everything worse.
"Dad," I said. "I have something to tell you."
I told him everything. All about pretending at school. About having to share a name with Danny M. I told him I’m NOT brave. At all. I told him I’m so afraid. I’m afraid to be myself. I’m afraid no one will like me. I’m afraid the only friends I will ever make are far, far away. I’m afraid of all the fears I have.
And then I waited for him to look worse than sad. I waited for him to look disappointed in me.
But he didn't look disappointed. At all.
Instead he said something that completely surprised me.
"You are still the bravest girl I know, Dani" he said. "Hands down. Look at what you are doing — starting a new school, making new friends, moving, living with your grandparents. All of that takes guts. Being brave doesn't mean you won't ever be afraid. It means doing things when you are afraid.”
I got tears in my eyes. I had to blink hard. He waited until I calmed down.
"I’m so proud of you" he said. “So, so proud. Making new friends is going to take time."
"It's just so hard," I told him.
"Most things in life worth having are hard," Dad said. "You just have to keep trying.”
I thought about what Dad said for a long, long time after he hung up.
I decided Dad is right. I'm going to keep trying to make friends. But this time I'm going to be honest about what I like. I might even still try drama-parts of it were kind of fun. But I won't say I'm a star. It doesn't even matter if I share a name with Danny M. Dani D. is a completely different person than Danny M.
I'm not going to be a new person. I'm just going to be me.
Monday, November 12
Dad was right. I had to be brave to go to school today. Being yourself in middle school is HARD.
I still did it anyway!!!!!!!!
I even wore my old clothes. Mom was happy about that. She didn't like that I kept borrowing her stuff. It felt so nice to wear my favorite skirt again. And my bright blue shirt just made me happy.
The hardest part was walking into school. It felt like the first day all over again. I was so afraid everyone would know about what happened at Hailey’s party. I was afraid they would all be laughing at me. Or that they would think I was stupid AND a fake.
But then I remembered how Dad said being brave is doing things when you are afraid. So I walked in.
No one laughed at me. The drama club girls weren’t even in the hallway. That part was a little sad. They normally waited for me. We walked to first period together.
Today I had to walk by myself.
I did it, though. I walked by myself. I didn’t tell any more lies about drama club. I didn’t pretend to be someone else.
But I DID still smile at people. and kids still smiled back at me. Even without me talking about drama club!
It made me think I had been wrong this whole time. Maybe I never needed to pretend to be a drama club star. Maybe some kids never cared about that. Maybe I only needed to smile and be friendly. Maybe other kids are scared, too. Maybe I could've been myself the whole time.
Maybe.
I saw Hailey, Tasha, and Priya at lunch. I thought they would all be mad at me. Or that they would have told all the other kids I was a fake. Instead they just looked sad. They looked like I had hurt their feelings.
I probably did. No one likes being lied to.
I had to REALLY be brave then. This was harder than walking into school. This was even harder than saying goodbye to Emily Grace. I wanted to pretend again. I wanted to just go sit somewhere else. I wanted to ignore them.
But instead I walked up to them. "Hi, guys," I said. Hailey, Tasha, and Priya all looked at each other. Then they looked back at me. I wished I were anywhere else.
"I’m really sorry I lied,” I said. "I know it was wrong. I really wanted to make friends. I thought you all would like me if you thought I was good at drama. I know it doesn't make sense. I just wanted you to know I'm sorry"
It was the scariest thing I've ever done. But I did it anyway. So maybe Dad is right. Maybe I am brave.
I don't think any of the girls really get why I lied. But they were mostly nice about it. Hailey shrugged and said, "I guess it's okay. I mean, I get that you didn't mean to hurt our feelings. Just don't lie again, okay?"
I promised I wouldn't lie again. and she smiled a little. But then she started talking to Tasha and Priya.
I don't know that any of them are ever going to be my new best friend. But that's okay.
Best friends take time.
After lunch Danny M. followed me back to class. He kept yelling “Dani DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.” Like there were a million Ds in
my name. He thought it was so funny. He kept laughing.
Finally I said, “Whatever, Danny M. We have the same nickname. GET OVER IT.”
He turned bright red. And then he left me alone for the rest of the day. It was amazing.
But my name IS Dani D. And sometimes I mess up. And sometimes I do things even though I’m afraid. And all of that is okay.
I’m not a new me. I’m just me.
And this time, that’s NOT a total secret.
Tuesday, January 8
Grandma keeps telling me to be quiet.
"Dani" she called up the stairs just now. "Can you please turn your music down? Your grandpa is watching his show."
She always thinks I’m too loud. But I’m MOT. Mot really. I just like to dance in my room. That was no problem in my old room in my old house. But now that Mom and I live with Grandma and Grandpa, it is a PROBLEM.
So I put on my new headphones. Mom just bought them for me. She thought that would solve the noise problem. I danced wearing my headphones instead of playing music out loud. But Grandma STILL knocked on my bedroom door.
"You're making the ceiling shake, Dani," she said. ''Can you please stop dancing? Don't you have homework?”
I finished my homework already. That's why I was dancing.
Grandma didn't care. She wanted to make dinner without the ceiling shaking. I asked if I could dance after dinner. But she said that's when Grandpa likes to read.
I can't win.
Now I'm writing in my diary instead of dancing. I like to write in my diary. That part is okay. But I also like to dance. I don't like to sit still all day long. I have to sit still in school. I have to sit still to do homework.
Sometimes, I just want to move around.
Mom says it's just for a little bit. I have to be "flexible." That really means she wants me to just do whatever Grandma wants without complaining.
But it’s not fair. My mom and dad are “taking a break.” Mom and I have lived with Grandma and Grandpa for two whole months. We moved away from my old town. I go to a new school now. In school, I have to share my name with Danny M. I go by “Dani D.” now. Danny M. is the most annoying boy EVER. My old friends are far away. My dad is far away.
