The images come to a sudden stop. The blood on my wrist is gone and so are the crescent shapes of Blondie's fingernails.
I no more than open my mouth to ask Will what all this means when we're both sucked into a massive whirlwind of darkness. Will pulls me closer holding me against his chest. Thunderous air whirls around us, twisting and tearing at everything it touches. A flash of light forces my eyes shut, and just as suddenly as the wind came it stops.
Breathing rapidly, I pry my eyes open to find Will and I standing in what I can only assume is Jared's cell, but this doesn't feel like a memory. It has weight. It feels tangible. It feels immediate as though it's happening right now and not in the past.
I don't think we're in my memories anymore.
And that's when I see them. Jared and Blondie sitting on the cot. Jared has his back to me and Blondie doesn't seem to notice Will and I are here.
"I have something to show you," Blondie tells Jared. "I want you to really see what's happening outside these walls. I want you to see how there's no one looking for you. I want you to see how Hanna has moved on and into the arms of Will now that you're out of the way. I want you to see how no one cares about you."
On the opposite wall from where Will and I stand, scenes of Will and I play over the surface. Blondie forces Jared to watch.
The first scene is of when Will kissed me for the first time on the cliffs overlooking Lake Haven, though the scene conveniently ends before showing me pushing Will away. The next is just after Will had saved me from being forced by Zoe's mind control to jump into the chasm I had created in the woods above the cliff with Jared lying unconscious only a few feet away. Will's hand is on my face, his thumb caressing my cheekbone as he leans in, his eyes lowering to my mouth. Again the scene cuts short before it shows me pulling away. Next is Will pulling me from the lake after I had more or less drowned. Cradled in his arms he kisses me softly.
More and more images come, all of them showing exaggerated moments taken out of context from Will's longing looks to my own moments of confusion over how I feel about him to everything in-between. All of them distorted to make it appear there's more going on then there actually is.
At some point in time I've separated myself from Will and I now stand alone covered in guilt and shame because I know how all of that must look to Jared.
Blondie winks at me or at least I think he does because in the next second his ice blue eyes are trained back on Jared. Maybe I'd imagined it.
"Lies. All you ever tell me are lies. And this is no different." Jared jumps up from the bed grabbing the front of Blondie's shirt in the process. He pushes him across the room until Blondie slams up against the door. Jared gets in his face. "I don't believe you. I'll never believe you."
Blondie laughs. "You should. It's the truth. The friends you think you have, you don't. The girl you think loves you, doesn't. And if you're still in doubt, then maybe you should ask them yourself." Blondie nods in the direction of Will and I. "They're standing right over there."
Hesitating only for a moment, Jared slowly slides his gaze from Blondie to Will and I, his troubled eyes shifting back and forth between us. His hand drops from Blondie's shirt. He takes a step forward.
Behind him, Blondie straightens the wrinkles Jared left behind. Moseying back over to the bed Blondie smiles as he takes a seat, the darkness lurking behind the blue of his eyes eating up the scene unfolding before him. Out of all the horrible things he's done it's clear that this moment right here is his greatest accomplishment yet.
"Hanna?" Jared reaches out for me then just as quickly lets his hand fall back to his side. He shakes his head. "No. This is a trick." He looks at me with a whole world of hope he's afraid to believe in held in his eyes. "Isn't it?" His voice wavers in uncertainty. "I've been waiting so long." He stares at Blondie, then at me, then at Will, and then at an image frozen on the wall of Will and I. He shakes his head once more, forcibly. "It’s just more lies. None of this is real. You're not real." He points to me. "He's not real." He points to Will. "And that is not real." He points at the images of Will and I on the wall.
"Look harder Jared. See the truth that's right in front of you," Blondie encourages.
Turning his eyes back to me, Jared stares long and hard. "You're not really here." He pauses, takes two steps closer. "You can't be." Two more steps. "Are you?" He's in front of me now, his hand hovering an inch away from cupping my face.
"I'm here." My words come out in a whisper, so much quieter than the pounding of my heart.
A tear escapes Jared’s eye rolling silently down his face. He doesn't touch me and I want to crumble. He looks over his shoulder at the images on the wall once more. Facing me, his gaze locks onto mine filled with hurt and confusion. "Is it true?" He glances at Will who lowers his eyes to the ground. "Say it's not true." His eyes dart from me to Will to the images. "Every moment of every day that I've been trapped here I've thought of nothing but you and for this to be true..." The look he gives me rips me in half. "Please Hanna, say it isn't true. Tell me Blondie's lying and I'll believe you."
"Jared." All I've said is his name when his face falls.
"So it is true.”
"It's not that simple."
He shakes his head as he takes a deep breath. "Why Hanna? Why would you...?" He runs a hand down over his face momentarily covering the hurt etched there. "All those things you said in the graveyard to your parents about how you felt about me, all the things you said to me, did you mean any of them? Did you ever really love me?"
"I meant every word. I still do." I want my words to come out strong and sure despite the fact that my heart is breaking right along with his, but they waver regardless of my effort.
"Then explain this." Jared turns back to the wall as a new scene begins to play showing the moments soon after I woke up from being asleep for a month when for one stupid moment I gave in to all the confused feelings I have for Will and I willingly kissed him back before I realized it wasn't what I wanted. "Explain why you're kissing him instead of looking for me? You were my one hope in this place Hanna. I suffered for you. I fought the urge to die everyday for you. And it was all for nothing." There's no anger in his voice, only a sadness that's so profound it leaves a permanent mark on my soul. "Did you ever once fight for me?"
"Of course I fought for you. I fought for you every day. I'm fighting for you now. What you're seeing up there isn't what it appears to be. Everything is twisted and wrong. What Blondie's not showing you is that I pushed Will away every time because I'm with you. And what Blondie's not telling you, is that I've been with you this whole time unable to help you or talk to you or even have you see I was here because of what he did to our connection through the symbol. Never once have I given up on you. Never once did I stop fighting. Never once did I stop loving you."
"Then tell me you have no feelings at all for Will. Tell me Blondie's wrong."
"It's not as simple as that. Things..."
Jared shakes his head, the look on his face silencing me. "It is as simple as that Hanna. You either have feelings for Will or you don't and clearly you do. And here's something else that's just as simple." He takes my hand placing it over his heart. “You've destroyed me. My heart is breaking. Do you feel it because I do? I feel every excruciating moment. I've loved you my whole life Hanna, and even after this, even after you've broken me so completely, I'll love you still." Releasing my hand he steps out of reach. "Even if I don't want to."
Hearing him say that punctures a hole right through my soul and puts everything in perspective. I don't know what my feelings are for Will or why I even have them, but I do know they pale in comparison to what I feel for Jared. When I'm with Jared I feel alive. I feel safe. I feel like I could conquer the world. One touch from him sends thousands of butterflies swarming in my belly and with just one look I melt so completely I forget the world around me even exists. He's everything and the idea of losing him now is like trying to breathe underwater. The more I inhale the more
water I gulp, the more my lungs burn, the more the sky above fades away to nothing until I'm left in total darkness. No other boy will ever have that effect on me. Not Will. Not anyone. Now more than ever I know without a doubt Jared is the only one for me. He always has been, even when I was too stupid to see it.
"Jared." I take a step reaching out for him. He slips away, edging himself closer to Blondie. "Please, hear me out. I know you're hurt, I am too, but I swear I never meant for any of this to happen. I don't know why my feelings have been confused but they're not any more. I know what I want Jared, and what I want is you. It's always been you. It will always be you."
"I wish I could believe you.”
"You can. I swear. Every time Jared, I chose you."
His eyes move to the last image shown on the wall focusing on the one stupid moment I let myself get swept up in Will. A stupid moment that's now ruining everything and I have no one to blame but myself. "Not every time."
"No Jared. Even then. When I realized what I was doing I pushed him away."
"Maybe you did push him away." Jared watches Will and I, this one scene now stuck on repeat before he settles his gaze on me. "But did you really want to?" Something changes in the color of his eyes. They grow darker. Colder. Distant. By the time he reaches Blondie, who's rising from the bed, his eyes are nearly unrecognizable. Releasing me from his stare, he turns to face Blondie. "I'll do what you want."
The smile on Blondie's face spreads. He's won and he knows it. He wanted to break Jared, he wanted to turn him against me, and he did.
"Jared, please you—”
Blondie snaps his fingers and just like that Will and I are once again swept up into a swirling mass of darkness with the world falling away beneath our feet.
CHAPTER TWENTY
I sit up so fast the room spins. Disoriented, it takes me a moment to realize where I am and once I do I start to hyperventilate. I'm in Mom and Dad's room.
How did I get here?
Why am I here?
I shouldn't be in here.
I'm not ready to be in here.
Leaving the door open to their room was one thing, but this, waking up in their room, being in their bed—I'm not ready for this.
"If the room doesn't stop spinning I'm going to be sick." Groaning, Will (who I hadn't even realized until right now was lying right beside me) slowly sits up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.
I stare at him, unblinking. And then I remember the two of us standing in the rain and the symbol.
The symbol.
I jerk my wrist up in front of my face staring hard. There's no shimmering of any kind, or glowing, or ripples of iridescence, just a dull pale blue. My breathing starts to slow until I'm hit with a force so strong all breath is pushed out all at once, leaving my lungs utterly deflated as every memory I've ever forgotten during my astral projections comes rushing back.
Tears run down my face. I remember it all. Every last moment including how Jared chose Blondie over me after I unwittingly broke his heart. All I ever wanted to do was protect him from Blondie and The Fallen and it turns out what he really needed was to be protected from me. Now the world might end and it's all my fault.
It's all my fault and I don't know how to fix it.
"Hey." Will starts to reach for me then changes his mind and I wonder if it's because he remembers everything too. Jared's heart wasn't the only one I broke.
I start to cry harder.
For something that's supposed to make you happy love sure does suck.
Getting myself under control I wipe at the tears, commanding them to stop. Surprisingly they do. Will watches me from the other side of the bed as though he no longer knows how to act around me and I hate it.
"So you remember then?" I say in a small voice.
"I remember."
"I'm so sorry I hurt you."
"You don't have to apologize, I get it. You love who you love." Will looks away from me mumbling to himself, "Even if the person you love doesn't love you back." He clears his throat and I pretend I didn't hear that last bit. "It's my own fault anyway. I knew you weren't available when I pursued you. I should have stopped when Eric told me to. If I had we wouldn't be in this mess right now."
He's blaming himself and it's breaking my heart because it's not his fault. At least not entirely. I hold just as much blame as he does because despite my best efforts I felt something for him too.
Silence divides us. I smother in it not knowing what to say or what to do to fix the weirdness between us now.
"Do you know where the place we were in is?" Will asks without looking at me.
"No. I was hoping that maybe you would know." He shakes his head and just like that all the hope I'm holding onto at finding Jared wants to make a mad dash away. But I don't let it. I hold onto it as tight as I can because hope is all I have left, even if it's a hopeless sort of hope. "We have to find him, Will. As soon as possible. You didn't see the cold look in his eyes when he joined Blondie. Because of me he's given up and given in and the whole world is going to pay for it."
In the same moment Will takes my hand to comfort me he drops it, the awkwardness between us growing and growing. He takes a deep breath, wiping away any vulnerability or hurt that might be showing from his features. "The world will be just fine. No matter what happened back there Jared loves you. In the end he'll make the right decision."
I want to believe Will, I really, really do, but I can't shake away this cold dreary feeling right in the center of my chest or ignore the way the dark detached look in Jared's eye haunts my thoughts. I'm not so sure Jared's on our side anymore, and I don’t know how to handle that.
I'm pulled from my thoughts at the sound of Will rummaging in my mom's nightstand. "What are you doing?" Panic starts to rise inside of me. It's hard enough to sit in here let alone watch someone go through my mom's things.
"Looking for this." He holds up a sheet of my mom's flower print stationary paper and a pen. "We should write down everything we can remember about where Jared's being held. If we're going to find him we've got to start somewhere, right?"
"Right. That makes sense."
He writes something onto the paper. I lean towards him to get a better look. At my proximity he momentarily stiffens and so do I. Seconds pass, the pen in his hand held pressed against the paper, unmoving. He draws in a subtle breath forcing himself to relax, as the pen once again glides across the paper.
"Here's what I got so far," Will says. "Number one: no windows. So he's probably underground somewhere, like a basement of some kind maybe or possibly utility tunnels. Number two: florescent lights. Number three: everything gray concrete. Number four: cold. Very, very cold." He glances at me from the corner of his eye. "Is there anything else you remember?"
"Nope. That pretty much sums it up." Leaning back against the headboard I sigh, "It's not a lot to go on is it? Trying to find the right basement or tunnels or whatever is going to be like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Who's to say this place is even in Lake Haven. They could be anywhere."
Will seems to ponder this a moment. "I don't know Blondie's pretty arrogant. My guess is they're still somewhere here in Lake Haven."
Across the room the door opens revealing Adam, Eric, and Luca, their arms full of books, pillar candles, and bags containing things I can’t see. Adam drops what he’s holding onto the floor and then stands there frozen for a half a second before shoving his way through the doorway. He crosses the room in record time and without a word pulls me into his arms, hugging me tightly.
"Uh, Adam, I kind of need to breathe." He releases me enough to allow some air to reach my lungs but doesn't fully let go for at least another whole minute.
"Why do you keep doing this to me? You just woke up and then you were out again. You were asleep for three days this time." He flicks his relief; yet at the same time worry filled eyes to Will. "You both were. Eric, Luca, and I have been trying everything we could think of to wake you. What happened to you
guys? I found you both on the roof of the porch and when I couldn't wake you I brought you both in here. I know you don't like coming in here Hanna, but I didn't know where else to put you."
"It's okay. I can't avoid this room forever, right? And as for what happened, it's a crazy complicated story involving the symbol, Blondie, Jared, and a slew of lost memories." I'm about to go into detail when my thoughts circle back around to Adam telling me Will and I had been asleep for three days. "Oh my God, three days. You said three days. That means—”
"Jared's birthday is four days from now," Adam finishes for me.
"Four days. How are we going to find him in four days? It's not enough time." I start to shake, my breaths coming too fast. I've failed. Really failed. I thought maybe if I could get to Jared in time I could convince him to come back to me. I could convince him that what Blondie showed him meant nothing and that he means everything. I thought I could convince him to take back his agreement to help Blondie. But four days? How am I going to do that in four days when I don't even know where to start looking?
"Also," Adam begins. Uh-oh I know that look on his face. He's about to deliver more bad news. "According to Owen, Thomas and his group of Guardians are in a frenzy to find Jared too and have a few leads of their own. Owen is working on trying to find out exactly what those leads are right now. He's supposed to get back with us later today to let us know what he finds out."
Ugh. I want to smother my face in my pillow and scream until my throat bleeds. Not only do I have to worry about finding Jared within a short amount of time but I also have to worry about finding him before Thomas does because we all know if Thomas finds him first it won't be because he wants to save him.
I stare down at the symbol on my wrist. I have to go back in. It's our best option. It's our only option.
"We have to do whatever it takes to find Jared as soon as possible and I mean as soon as possible, like by tonight if we can, and we're going to start by fixing this." I point at my wrist.
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