On the phone, I’d told Roy where I was parked and that my van had the Brown Construction sign on the side. When he hadn’t shown up by ten after one, I was getting nervous. I stood next to the van, waiting. I had all the doors open to air the thing out, and I’d piled a bunch of stuff on the mattress so it didn’t look like it was our bedroom. Bella sat inside the van on her wadded-up sleeping bag, using a wooden box as a table as she colored in a coloring book. I was lucky she was a girl. A boy would be bouncing off the van walls on this trip. Bella was usually pretty quiet and able to play by herself.
I spotted this shiny red Mustang driving slowly through the lot. It made a sudden turn toward us, pulling into a space a little ways from the van. I knew it was Roy. There was no reason for anyone else to park way out here in this sea of asphalt. He got out of the car and started walking toward me, and he wasn’t exactly what I’d expected for a construction type. He wore a sports coat, his blue shirt open at the neck, his hair neatly trimmed, and I caught the shine of a gold watch on his wrist. He looked like he was doing pretty well for himself in his construction business, and it gave me some real hope. I walked toward him, smiling, hand outstretched.
“Roy?”
“Hey, man.” He shook my hand. “How’s it going?”
“Good,” I said. “I’m looking forward to getting to work, though.”
“Excellent. Excellent.” He looked past me toward the road and slipped his hands into his jean pockets.
“Daddy?” Bella appeared at the open van door. “Who’s that?”
“Ah,” I said, like seeing Bella there was a surprise. I waved Roy to follow me the few steps back to the van. “Bella, this is Mr. Roy,” I said. “Roy, this is my daughter, Bella. I think Savannah told you about her.”
Roy raised his eyebrows. “You have someone to watch her?” he asked.
“Savannah said maybe you’d know someone,” I said.
He gave a short laugh, the kind of laugh that wasn’t really a laugh at all, and I tensed. “That bitch,” he muttered, not quite under his breath, and I knew there was a rough dude beneath his spiffed-up appearance. Shit. This was not going to go as well as I’d hoped.
“She thought maybe one of your other workers had kids and would know someone who could watch Bella,” I said.
“I’m not a child-care clearinghouse,” Roy said. His upper lip curled a little on one side when he talked.
“All right.” I felt nervous all of a sudden, like I was moving back to square one. “I’ll figure something out.” Damn Savannah. She’d made it sound like this would be so easy. A done deal. “Tell me about the job,” I said. “Savannah didn’t know if it was residential or what.”
Roy folded his arms across his chest. “Look, I know Savannah told you it was a construction job, right?”
I hesitated. “Riiight…” I drew out the word, waiting for whatever the hell was coming next. I had the feeling it wasn’t going to make me happy.
“Well, the good news is, you’ll make a nice sum for just a little work,” he said.
“What are you talking about?”
“We need a driver with a van.” He nodded toward my van. “I lost my other driver, but this will be perfect. Your kid could even come along for the ride if you can’t find anyone to watch her.”
“Perfect for what?”
He squinted his eyes at me and I felt him sizing me up. “Savannah promised me you weren’t an asshole,” he said.
“Big of her.” I was getting annoyed. “Tell me what the job is, all right? Stop messing with me.”
“It’ll be the middle of the night,” he said. “You’ll drive me and a buddy to a truck stop north of here a ways. We’ll take some cases of baby formula from one of the trucks, load them into your van, then take them to a drop-off point and collect a shitload of money.”
I tried to laugh. “Is this a joke?”
“You’ll get five hundred bucks for a few hours’ work,” he said. “Two hundred at the truck stop, three more when we make the drop-off. The easiest money you’ve ever made, and if it all goes smooth, we can do it again next week. That’ll be five hundred under the table every week.”
He was serious and I was stupefied. I stared at him, unable to speak. “Baby formula?” I said finally. “You’re talking about stealing baby formula?”
He nodded toward Bella. “You have a kid,” he said. “Was she ever on formula?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t want this sleazeball talking about Bella.
“They lock it up, some places,” he said. “Other stores, you can only buy a certain amount. That’s because it’s so expensive and people steal it. So what we do is we get a few cases, then the guys I work with resell it online for less than people can get it in the store. So it’s like a public service. We’re like Robin Hood. We take so few cases, nobody’ll miss them, and then we sell them to people who can’t afford to buy it in the stores, with the markup and everything.”
I remembered, back when Bella was on formula, seeing it locked up in a couple of stores. I’d never really understood why. The stuff was expensive, though. That much was the truth. But going to jail wasn’t part of my plan and I felt this big empty hole opening up in the center of my chest. I was so pissed at Savannah. And I was so screwed. I’d never felt farther away from home.
“No way I’m doing this, man,” I said. “Savannah totally lied about what you had to offer. You’re saying there’s no construction work?” Could this baby formula just be a sideline? Maybe he was yanking my chain.
“That’s right. There’s no construction work. I used to be in construction, but the economy screwed that up.” He grinned. “This is so much better, though. I wish I’d been doing this the whole time. It’s easy. Safe. And much more lucrative.” He motioned toward his Mustang to convince me.
“Forget it,” I said. “I’m not the guy you want.” I turned to head back to the van.
“Hey!” he called after me. “You got my number if you change your mind.”
I climbed into the van and shut all the doors. I pulled Bella into my arms. She wriggled to get out of my clutches and back to her coloring, but I held her tight. Okay, I told myself, burying my face in her hair. Stay calm. I had to think this through. There was nothing for me in Carolina Beach. I was in Raleigh now. Big city. More opportunities. I’d find something.
“Daddy.” Bella squirmed her way out of my arms. I leaned back against the wall of the van and wondered how I’d feed my daughter and myself until that something came along.
17
Robin
2007
It had been three months since I’d seen Travis, and when he showed up at the condo in Chapel Hill for our well-planned getaway to Jordan Lake, I grabbed him and started kissing him. I’d fantasized our reunion a million times and my imagination pictured a long, emotional hug, but when I saw him standing there with his beautiful eyelashes and all that love in his smile…well, I wanted him. That was all there was to it. You could die tomorrow, the familiar voice in the back of my head told me, so you’d better grab today.
We probably set a record for how fast you could take off another person’s clothes, and there, on the living room floor of the condo where my father had locked me away to keep exactly this from happening, we had crazy, wild sex. Unexpected sex, since when we’d planned this day, it had been about our drive to the country, the picnic lunch I had waiting for us in a tote bag in the kitchen, and the drive back, which would get us to the condo early enough to let us make love before my father came home. We hadn’t planned on breathless, sweaty, hungry fucking. Oh, my God. It was so delicious to be with him again! I wrapped my legs around his waist to pull him deeper inside me. The carpet burned my shoulders as we rocked back and forth, and I thought, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care! All I cared about was having Travis back in my arms.
When we’d finished making love and were lying naked and cuddled up together, Travis suddenly laughed. “Let’s skip Jordan Lake and just sta
y here,” he said. I realized they were the first words he’d said since walking into the condo.
“Oh, yeah,” I agreed.
“We can have our picnic right here on the floor. Naked.”
“Yeah,” I said again, but I wasn’t the least bit hungry. As a matter of fact, the thought of the turkey-and-cheese sandwiches I’d made a couple of hours ago was nauseating. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath, either. I lay there quietly, waiting for the nausea to pass. I didn’t want to let Travis know how bad I felt. I didn’t want to spoil what had just happened.
“Oh, shit.” He smacked his forehead with his palm.
“What?”
“The condoms. I left them in the car. I didn’t expect you to attack me like that.” He laughed again. “You think it’ll be all right?”
I wanted to say it would, but I didn’t seem to have enough breath to push the words out of my mouth. A deep, dull ache was working its way into my chest, sending long fingers of pain into my back. Plus the terrible nausea! I was going to throw up any second.
“Bathroom,” I managed to say as I tried to sit up. I felt Travis’s arm around me as I got to my feet, and that was the last thing I remembered before everything went black.
* * *
I woke up in the back of an ambulance. It felt familiar to me; it wasn’t my first ambulance trip to the hospital. The siren screamed and somebody pressed an oxygen mask to my face. I thought I saw Travis sitting nearby, his face blurry and white. I lifted my hand toward him, but someone was squeezing all the life out of my chest and lungs and the world disappeared again before I could touch him.
* * *
Days later, my father sat next to my hospital bed. My eyes were closed, but I knew he was there. He stroked my hair back from my face and I could feel the love pouring from his fingertips. When I opened my eyes, he leaned forward, holding my head between his big hands as he kissed my forehead.
“Hello, sweetheart,” he said. “How are you feeling?”
I shrugged. I wasn’t sure how I felt. I was hooked up to so many wires and tubes and I had a feeling whatever they had running into my veins was keeping me from feeling much of anything.
“I hope you understand now why I forbade you to see Travis,” he said. “It wasn’t to be mean, Robin. He doesn’t realize how fragile you are. He took advantage of you. Do you understand now?”
I nodded, because it was the easiest thing to do. I didn’t have the strength for a fight. He spoke so quietly. So calmly. If he was angry with me, he didn’t show it. I thought he’d already spent all his anger on Travis. One of the nurses had told me everything—how he’d threatened to kill Travis outside the emergency room. He’d actually called Travis a rapist and said he’d press charges if he didn’t stay away from me. I was so mortified that Daddy knew we’d had sex. I knew all his threats were empty ones from a gentle man afraid for his daughter. Still, lying there weak and winded, I wasn’t sure how Travis and I could ever make things work out between us again. My father would have his eye on our every move.
Once I was out of the hospital, I emailed Travis. I told him I was better. Not to blame himself. I told him how much I loved him. I hit Send and then I waited. Hours passed without a response from him. The hours turned into a day. One day turned into two. Two into a week. When a week turned into a month, I knew I’d lost him. I tried calling him, but he’d changed his phone number and the new one was unlisted. Had he decided I was more trouble than I was worth? Was he terrified of my father? I couldn’t blame him either way. All I knew was that he was gone, and my life had a giant cavern in it that could never be filled by anyone else.
18
Erin
I couldn’t concentrate on the Harley’s Dad and Friends group posts as I sipped my coffee at JumpStart because my gaze kept drifting to the door. Bella and Travis had come into the coffee shop every day for the past week, and it had gotten to the point that I thought about them all day long and into the evening. Except for Carolyn, there had never been a more adorable child born into the world. Those eyes! The past couple of days, Bella had been more talkative with me, although I didn’t think she was much of a talker to begin with. I could get her to smile now and occasionally to giggle a little. Every day, Travis read to her from the same worn-out-looking book that she clearly knew by heart. I’d only seen her wear two outfits—the blue shorts and stained blue-and-white-striped shirt, and short khaki cargo pants and a pink jersey. I wondered if she had any other clothes. Travis wore jeans and T-shirts every day and he carried a black warm-up jacket in his canvas bag. Whenever they came into the coffee shop, they headed straight for the men’s room and they were in there a long time. Travis would come out freshly shaved and Bella’s cheeks would be pink, as though he’d scrubbed her face. Then Travis would plug his phone charger into the wall. I was afraid that all this added up to them being homeless and I was worried about them. Especially about Bella. I knew the job that had brought Travis to Raleigh had fallen through and every day he picked up one of the newspapers other people had left strewn around JumpStart and searched the classifieds. I was sure the pickings were slim for a construction worker these days.
I glanced at the time on my iPad. Nearly nine-thirty and I’d finished my coffee. Where were they? I peered out the windows to the parking lot. I should hope they didn’t show up. That would mean he’d found a job and someone to watch Bella. I should hope for that, and yet the thought of not seeing Bella today was almost painful.
From where I sat, I couldn’t see a single Raleigh newspaper on any of the tables. I bought one so he’d have it to look through, and while I was paying for it at the mobbed counter, I ordered a decaf coffee from the new, clearly overwhelmed, teenage barista Nando was supervising. I’d had enough caffeine for the day, but needed something more while I waited. I wasn’t going to leave without seeing Bella.
Travis and Bella walked into the shop while the frantic new girl was making my drink, along with a half-dozen others. Travis waved at me on their way to the men’s room, and I added a bottle of orange juice for Bella to my order. I smiled to myself as I moved to the end of the counter to wait with the other customers for my drink.
Nando grinned at all of us as he set a few cups on the counter. “She’ll be a whiz at this in a week,” he said, nodding toward the new barista as she poured steamed milk into someone’s coffee. “Probably be managing the place in a month.”
I gave him my usual anemic smile, then carried my coffee and newspaper back to my seat and set them on the end table next to my chair. I paged through the paper to take a peek at the classified section. Not much. This wasn’t the right day of the week to find a lot of jobs listed. I thought suddenly of Craigslist. Maybe Travis could find something there? Did he have a computer he could use to check? I doubted it. I remembered his envy of my iPad. I could let him use it to check the ads.
I felt almost happy as I waited for Travis and Bella to come out of the men’s room. But when I took a sip of my coffee, I nearly spit it out. It tasted like…I wasn’t sure what. Dish soap? Salt? Something that nearly made me gag as I forced myself to swallow the mouthful. I lifted the lid of the cup and saw the milky concoction inside. Definitely not my black decaf. I got to my feet and went back to the counter. Another customer, an older woman dressed in a pink suit was there ahead of me, complaining to the new barista that she’d been given the wrong drink.
“I think we picked up each other’s cup,” I said.
“I might have got the order wrong.” The young barista screwed up her face.
“No problem!” Nando patted the girl on her shoulder. “These two nice ladies will wait while we get it right.” He took our cups from us and started over again.
“What was that?” I asked the woman in pink, pointing to the cup Nando had taken from me.
“My favorite,” she said. “Roasted peanut chocolate Bavarian.”
“It’s…different,” I said, and she laughed. Soon we had our drinks sorted out and by the time I’d ta
ken my seat again, Travis and Bella were coming out of the men’s room.
“Hey, Erin,” Travis said when they’d reached my chair.
“Hi, Travis. Hi Bella,” I said. “I thought you might not make it this morning.”
“We’re here.” Travis didn’t sit down, but Bella climbed onto the couch, her pink purse dangling from her arm. She hugged her lamb to her chest and Travis rested a hand on her head. “You sit here while I get our breakfast, Bella,” he said.
“I bought some OJ for Bella,” I said.
He raised his eyebrows. “What do you say, Bell?” he asked.
“Thank you,” Bella said.
“You’re welcome. And be careful up there,” I said to Travis. “New girl behind the counter. I picked up the wrong cup and thought I was drinking poison.”
He laughed, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m always careful with coffee cups. One time I went on a fishing trip with my buddies to Kill Devil Hills,” he said. “I picked up a coffee at a McDonald’s on my way there and I put it down on the kitchen counter in the cottage we were renting. One of my buddies had the same cup, only his had worms in it.”
“Oh, no.” I cringed.
“Oh, yeah,” he said with a shudder. “I took a nice sip of worm juice.”
I laughed. It felt like the first time I’d laughed in months.
“My mother told me that’s what I got for eating at McDonald’s.”
“Nana?” Bella asked him.
He hesitated. “Right, baby,” he said. He rubbed her shoulders with a tenderness that put a lump in my throat. “Nana.”
I wondered where Nana lived. Couldn’t he leave Bella with her grandmother while he tried to find a job?
Travis headed for the counter and I looked at Bella. It was the first time I’d been alone with her—not that we were really alone. Four women sat at a nearby table, the pink-suited woman chatted on her phone, and a few businessmen sat here and there in the coffee shop, working on their computers or reading the Wall Street Journal. But I only had eyes for the little girl on the sofa.
The Good Father Page 12
