by Alex Rosa
Brandon looks pissed. He rolls his eyes, shaking his head as if this moment won’t be forgotten before he treks out the door. It’s then I notice his flip-flops and red swim trunks matched with a plain white shirt. Very unlike his normal attire. What time is it again?
“Hailey,” CeeCee hums. “What’s wrong? Why are you mad?”
Without Brandon nearby, I feel able to say what I need to. “Why the hell didn’t you warn me that Kristen was there? It was really unfair of you to just throw me into that situation, knowing what I’m dealing with.”
CeeCee places her hand against her chest, aghast at the accusation. “Do you think I would purposefully let you walk into that? I didn’t know she was going to be there. I didn’t even know she was in town. Caiden just showed up with her. He didn’t warn any of us, probably because he knew we would have told him to fuck off.”
CeeCee doesn’t cuss often, but I love it when she does. “You promise?”
“I can spit in my palm, and we can pinky promise like we did in the third grade if that helps convince you.”
My head falls into my hands, and I let out a sigh of relief. I walk over to the couch, taking a seat, trying to focus on my breathing.
CeeCee is at my side, wrapping an arm around me. I won’t let myself cry in front of her. The realization that she didn’t just forget about my well-being makes me feel ten times better.
“You handled last night really well, though. You have to know that. She’s nice, but she’s not my best friend. She’s not you.”
I shake my head, lifting my stare to hers. “I didn’t have a choice. I never have a choice.”
Gabe Samuels suddenly comes to mind, and my head spins.
“You’ve always been good at handling whatever the world throws at you, Hails. That’s why moving away to chase your dream would only make sense when it’s you.”
I smile. “Thanks, Cee.”
“What else is on your mind?”
“You don’t even want to know. Tons of things. Like that oaf of a boyfriend of yours.”
She goes wild as she rises from the couch, hands flying to her hips with a sway. “He is not my boyfriend!”
“Whatever,” I laugh.
“I don’t want to talk about Brandon and me right now. He’s pissing me off and getting too clingy, like he always does. What has he done to you?”
“I was talking to Gabe Samuels and—”
“He’s in town?”
I shrug. “I guess.”
“What were you doing talking to Gabe? He’s like our archnemesis.”
I laugh. “Cee, we don’t have an archnemesis.”
“Uh, yeah we do. Brandon and Caiden have hated his guts since freshman year.”
I roll my eyes. “We’re out of high school now. Isn’t it time we let those grudges go? And he was nice to me. Did you know he’s a writer? Well, a journalist, but still.”
A tiny ‘v’ appears between CeeCee’s eyes as she stares at me curiously. “Are you crushing on Gabe?”
“Maybe. He gave me his number. He’s in town for a short time, and so am I. Might be nice. I don’t have anything to lose, right? Plus, Caiden is messing with my head.” I rub at my temples.
“I think this is a fantastic idea.”
My head perks up as I watch CeeCee pace my living room, tripping over my suitcase on her second round.
“Wait, you just scolded me for talking to him.”
“I know, but…” She strums her pretty fingers over her pointed chin. “This might knock some sense into Caiden. I can see he’s crossing lines when he’s around you. He keeps staring at you, and he needs to know his place. I think this is a great way to make him jealous.”
I shake my head. “No, no. You’re missing the point. This isn’t about Caiden; this is about me. I should be the one allowed to live and have fun.”
“Of course. I hate to admit it, but Gabe is pretty cute. Plus, you’re right, he’s in town for who knows what, but a nice fling tonight might be perfect.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh yeah.” She wiggles her fingers at me. “Two things. Get up. We’re going to the lake for the day. Shore day.” She grins. “Tanning, drinks, and friends. It’s exactly what you need.”
“But you just said something about tonight?”
“Oh—oh, party tonight. Bonfire like the good ol’ days. Your favorite. John Walden still hosts them on his property on the north side of the lake. He took over his dad’s ranch and likes bringing everyone together a few times each summer to hang out. They’ve become staple get-togethers for everyone now. Also, John’s been trying to get into my pants since senior year.”
I giggle. “You never?”
“Good God no, but I like to make Brandon jealous. Anyway, you should tell Gabe to meet you at the party tonight.”
I nod. “This sounds like a solid plan.”
“Now go get a bathing suit on.”
I grunt, “Do I have to go? I mean, I’m still really cranky over yesterday. The way Brandon handled the Gabe thing—”
“These boys don’t know when to quit, trust me. He does it because he cares, even if it’s misplaced. It’s always been that way, Hails. You know this. I’ll allow you to be cranky on the shore. Fair? Also, you need some sun. You’re starting to look pale, and I’d hate for the Californians to get a bad impression of Colorado when you go back looking like a ghost. Or you could stay, of course?” She wiggles her brows.
I release a nervous laugh, rising from the couch. I don’t know how to respond and choose to just agree to go rather than face the fact I’m not sure when I’m leaving, because unfortunately, it’s all a matter of when, not if.
Brandon is surprisingly quiet on the drive to the lake, which has me thinking their arguing lies deeper than CeeCee sending him to the car. I try not to break the tension since that’s none of my business.
Instead, my eyes are glued to the scenery as CeeCee’s Jeep careens off the main road, hitting a dirt path toward our group’s favorite shore spot since we were preteens. I love that these things haven’t changed, including the mention of the bonfire tonight.
CeeCee wasn’t lying when she said it was my favorite. I loved the atmosphere of those parties. All my best memories lie in the dancing shadows of the fire with good friends, drinking, and laughter. Not to mention, all of those forbidden memories of sneaking off with Caiden. I tell myself I can appreciate the memories, but to not put misplaced meaning in them any longer.
As we come to a stop, parking in between two large pine trees, the shore only a couple hundred feet away in the clearing, I look around the open dirt spot.
“Where’s Cam and Tyler?”
“Working the station,” Brandon finally speaks, clambering out of the vehicle. “But Caiden should be getting off soon and heading over.”
My good mood dissolves. I wasn’t sure he’d be here, and the mention of his name rattles my nerves. I got to express my anger with CeeCee and cleared that up, but I haven’t been able to check Caiden off that list, and I wonder if I ever will.
I need to remember to ask more questions when I decide to go places in this town.
“Oh,” I chirp.
“Help me with the barbecue, will you?”
I agree, but CeeCee comes into view as if reading the shift in my demeanor. “Don’t worry, Hails. We got it. Why don’t you just go set up and lounge over on the shore? You could use a moment to chill.”
I huff, peering up at the sun hanging in the middle of the sky, feeling the warmth over my skin and the fact I do so desperately need to chill.
“Okay. I’m gonna go be cranky over there.”
She nods. “Fine by me.”
I lay out my blanket and lie down. It takes only a few minutes until I feel myself nodding off to the sounds of the slow lapping waves of the lake twenty feet away, blending with the sounds of CeeCee and Brandon bickering over how to light the barbecue. It’s my quiet chuckles to myself that keep me awake.
It isn’t until I hear a truck and burly hellos that sound like someone I could do without today that my body goes rigid. I keep my eyes closed and let myself bake in the sun, hoping to be ignored for a little bit longer, but alas, wishful thinking.
When I feel a body lie down next to me, the thick bare arm of a man touching mine, I tense. I don’t need to guess whose confidence knows no bounds, but I’m not in the mood.
I can even sense the heavy weight of his stare, and it has me feeling uneasy. I sit up abruptly, my eyes flying open. I’m about to speak, but a shirtless Caiden does something to the synapses in my brain. I wasn’t ready for this.
He’s all lean muscle and tan everywhere. The sprinkling of hair that trails from his belly button to below the waistband of his navy blue swim trunks renders me speechless. His arms are the only things tatted so densely with images of nature, stopping at the curve of his shoulders, leaving the skin of his abdomen smooth and inviting.
Normally, he’d probably gloat at my open gawking, but I realize he’s doing the same to me.
His synapses must have backfired, too, because he blurts out incoherently, “Tiny. Bikini.”
I freeze and grab for my oversized knit cover-up, pulling the holey white material over my body in a frantic jumble. I might have chosen this black string bikini with that exact reaction in mind, but to actually get it in the flesh has me turning red everywhere.
“Stop staring.”
“You’re mad,” he says, regaining his wits.
I release a sigh, wishing I could roll him off my blanket. “Mad?” I ask, toying with the word. “I don’t know what I am. Please let me fester before I say things I don’t mean. Today is not a good day to mess with my emotions, Caiden. I’m warning you now.”
I keep replaying the events of the night before in my head and find more wrongs than rights.
He sits up, too, and I hate it only defines the ridges of his abdominal muscles.
“Is this about last night?”
I shift, my annoyance growing exponentially.
“Did CeeCee or Brandon send you here?”
He shakes his head. “No. For the most part I tell them me and you are an off-limits topic.”
I wish I could say that to our friends, because they keep testing my limits, too.
“Then what is it?”
“I wanted to apologize for not mentioning the memorial thing. I’ve been thinking about it, and I feel terrible—but you handled it like a champ.” His reflexive smile and nudge of my arm sends a confusing combination of rocketing electricity to each limb but also has my guts knotting.
I abruptly stand, letting out a high-pitched huff as I do. “I don’t care if you think I handled it like a champ. I don’t want to improv the memory of my mother in front of the whole town. I slept on it, and it was incredibly disrespectful of you.”
He rises, his brows knit tight as he watches me like a cornered wild animal.
“I’m sorry,” he says slowly. “I get how wrong that was. I was wrong, Hailey,” he repeats for emphasis, as if knowing how much I like hearing it. “I meant to tell you the day before, but like always, I don’t think so straight when I’m near you.”
I hate that his words are caramel smooth and sincere.
I cross my arms over my chest, unsure how to respond because gratefulness is not an emotion I am capable of expressing right now, especially when his eyes keep trailing over my body.
This afternoon is off to a terrible start, and I feel a bit erratic, but I can’t rein in these feelings anymore.
Unfortunately, Caiden finds the need to continue. “I know last night must have been a lot to handle.”
I shake my head. “I handled my mom’s thing, and as far as everything else, everyone needs to stop treating me like this. Don’t apologize for having a girlfriend, and no one should be babying my existence when I’m around you. I’m stronger than that.”
“I know you are. You’ve made that abundantly clear… at least to me.”
It’s almost a compliment. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. “Then just let me deal with all this on my own, okay? No more apologies now. I’m fine. Just give me space.”
CeeCee and Brandon are not so stealthily watching our interaction from the barbecue, and I wonder what they think of this situation.
Regardless, I hate having an audience. This is when I heave in a deep breath and turn around. I just need to escape these claustrophobic feelings. I’m always doing this now, but it’s the only thing that feels right anymore.
“Please don’t chase me, Caiden. You always think you need to run after me, but let me explain that when I walk away, it usually means I don’t want to be near you.”
I head the opposite direction, my bare feet picking up speed on the shoreline sand. I have a goal in mind, and I know my goal makes me a sadist.
I make it far enough away that I can’t hear my friends arguing any longer. My shallow breaths match my frantic steps. My eyes keep darting to the left in search of something very specific.
I have a favorite tree, and I’ve been gone so long, I worry I won’t be able to find it. This only adds to my frustration, but my feet keep going in hope, until sure enough my eyes lock onto the very thing I’m in search of.
I inhale deeply, trying to gather my wits as I move forward, drawn to it because to my relief it’s still wonderfully recognizable. But just like me, this town, and my friends—it’s aged. The trunk is thicker, the branches longer, the tree taller, but one very clear mark distinctly shows on the dark bark.
I make it to the tree, running my fingers over my name and Caiden’s carved into the trunk. Feeling that sticky sense of regret and longing all at once, but nostalgia, too, as my fingers dig into the carved wood. Five years did nothing to the clarity of our names that Caiden would repeatedly drag his pocket knife through in our younger, more carefree days. At the time this carving felt like a life promise, but now I don’t know what it means.
This spot was ours, and I always liked that it was a far enough escape from our friends, but also a homey niche by the lake that felt like ours.
“Hailey…”
I leap around, feeling caught in something terribly embarrassing. He knew exactly where to find me. The curve to his lips as he approaches tugs at that heartstring that I wish someone could put scissors to.
“Please. I want to talk,” he says.
I lick my lips, staring at him getting closer and closer until he’s right in front of me.
“It’s all you’ve been saying, and it’s all we ever do,” I reply. My hands are flying everywhere as I heave in a deep breath. “And ya know what? I think I’m the only one who gets the short end of the stick here with our talks. You get to ask all the questions, as if you’re the only one with a problem.”
His brows are tense as he watches me. He looks almost mad, but then again, also a little sad.
“I’m sorry, Hailey. About everything,” he says into the void, watching me.
A huff escapes me, my eyes trying to carve myself into him now as I turn to face him more completely. “I kept thinking being here was going to get easier, but it’s only getting harder.”
