by Alex Rosa
“We’ve combusted, and it ain’t pretty.” I sigh. “I’m working on it.”
“Are you sure you’re okay? I’m getting concerned.”
“It’s fine,” I reply, even though it’s not. “Something happened a few days ago, and I’m worried I’m messing things up being here. I don’t want to screw up his life.”
Her sigh matches mine. “Then maybe it’s time to come home. Ya know? I haven’t had anyone to drink wine and watch reruns of Sex and the City with.”
“No? What about Bethany in the foreign rights department? She was supposed to be my go-to replacement while I herd sheep,” I joke.
“Yeah, well, that didn’t work out when she caught me and Patrick getting coffee the other day. She’s definitely not talking to me right now.”
“JANET!” I shriek. “I thought we talked about you not calling him back?”
“I was looking to add a little spice, and maybe something a little dangerous to my life. See, this is why it’s a good thing you come back. I need you to stop me from doing stupid things, like flirting with a co-worker’s ex-boyfriends.”
“You’re a piece of work. But maybe you’re right. It might be a good time for me to head back.”
“—Hailey?”
I leap at the sound of a male voice from behind and squeal as I do. When my eyes collide with blazing green eyes and a serious frown as we acknowledge each other, I can’t think straight. How did Caiden find me? His eyes are bright in the sunshine, and my whole body is on red-alert as my chest constricts.
From the phone I hear an identical shriek followed by, “I know you’re mad I went out with Bethany’s ex, but she’ll have to forgive me eventually—”
“No, Janet. I, uh, gotta go.”
Caiden is standing at the foot of my blanket in the tall grass next to my rusty bike. His eyes are glued to me, and I can’t look away.
“Why?” she asks.
Really, Janet.
“Someone just appeared. I have to get off the phone.”
“Oh-my-God, is it lover boy? Don’t forget to write everything down—”
I hang up my phone.
“Caiden,” I whisper, hating that his maroon v-neck stretches over his chest so annoyingly well, and that his hands stuffed into his tight dark blue jeans are overwhelmingly distracting. Don’t even get me started on those beautiful forearms.
“Hailey,” he whispers back.
I shake my head, baffled by his presence. “How did you find me?” is the only thing I can think of.
He lifts his right hand from his pocket to pull something from behind him. My book.
I release a breath of relief, knowing that it still exists. It had crossed my mind that maybe the book wasn’t going to make it out alive. I gulp down the guilt the thought gives me. I should not be attached to that particular copy of my book, but I so am.
He waves it back and forth, and the corner of his mouth finally lifts into a smirk, softening the high tension. “This. It’s like a treasure map if you know how to use it right.”
Dammit, I can’t fight my smile.
“Actually,” he says going on. “I would’ve been here sooner, but it took me a bit of time to figure it out. I tried going to your house first, nearly every day, and then to the diner, but no matter what time I looked in those places, you were nowhere to be found.”
I nod as if to confirm mission accomplished. “That’s persistent, even for you.”
“Yeah, tell me about it. Especially when every time I walked into the diner, CeeCee wasn’t afraid to yell at me and make a scene.”
“Remind me to give her the Best Friend of the Millennium award.”
The lifted corner to his mouth falls. “Can I join you?”
I look around, my surrounding view blinded by the tall grass. I shake my head, and even though that means ‘absolutely not, you can’t sit with me,’ he takes it upon himself to climb onto the blanket beside me.
“I still don’t understand how you found me.”
I turn over on my side to look at him and hate how boyish he looks lying flat on his stomach, biting his bottom lip as he thumbs through my book, the sunshine glinting off his hair, reminding me of summers spent in this exact spot.
I refocus on what’s in his hands, blinking a few times in disbelief as I watch all the highlights and tabs flutter by as he riffs through the book.
I turn over on my stomach, unable to take my eyes off of him. It’s the most bizarre thing to witness, because he’s so diligent and full of concentration when he focuses his attention on the book. My heart swells, and I wish it would stop.
“Here,” he says. His index finger lands on chapter fourteen that I know all too well, making my face heat. I can’t define how I should feel about being near him right now. I think on reflex I want to be mad, but my instinct is to cozy up to what home really feels like.
Interrupting my dissection, he continues, “I really should’ve thought of this first when you weren’t home the first day. I should’ve realized you were hiding on purpose.”
“I am not,” I lie.
He raises a brow, dramatically looking from left to right. “This is practically your own personal fort. This was our place.”
I shake my head. “No, you’re mistaken. It was always my place, but you were lucky enough to be invited to this location. Invite only, you see.”
He chuckles, his eyes dropping to my open notebook in front of me.
“Are you writing?”
I gasp, scrambling to shut it. “A little bit, but it’s nothing.”
He hums, and the silence hangs for longer than I want it to.
“Is there a reason you’re here, Caiden?”
“I needed to see you.”
My heart revs hard, because I want so much more than those five words. “Well, now you’ve seen me. What’s up?”
His lips squirm. “Are you leaving town? I mean, I don’t mean to intrude, but I overheard—”
“Actually, Caid, that’s exactly what you’re doing. Intruding. I mean, look around. I’m literally trying not to be discovered. The only more obvious thing would be me crawling into a cave.”
He grunts, rolling his eyes. “Can we be serious for two seconds?”
“What makes you think we’re never serious?”
“Because we’re scared, and you especially, like to hide behind your well-crafted sarcasm.”
“You think my sarcasm is well-crafted?” I gloat.
He releases another sigh, waving his book for dramatic effect again. “I think there’s a lot of proof in here. You’ve captured us and your sarcasm really well.”
“I think I’d like to be proud of that.”
“Are you done?”
“Not even close.”
“Hailey, be serious!”
“WHY? So, you can hurt me more?”
He’s stunned into silence, and this time I don’t let my stare leave his. I shoot him as much intensity as I can muster. Yeah, maybe I do use my sarcasm as a safety net, but can he blame me for that?
“I don’t want to hurt you,” he exhales, gathering his bearings. “I never wanted to hurt you. If I have, it’s been completely accidental, but I know that doesn’t make it right. You’re not the only one who’s hurting, either.”
It’s starting to feel like we have this conversation on replay. I don’t fight my responding grumble as I roll over onto my back, closing my eyes. “Yeah, I get it, Caid. Is this the part where you tell me you’re sorry again? I’ll just go ahead and file that one away next to the other many apologies you’ve given me since I came back.”
“I broke up with Kristen.”
I think one would assume that my normal reaction would be to at least open my eyes. But we are so far from normal. So, on the contrary, I clench them shut tighter. Fear weasels its way into my gut, combined with heart-thumping anticipation and heartbreak. I don’t know why his words terrify me, but they do.
My eyes are shut so tight that the corner of one sq
ueezes out a tear that manages to make a run for it, rolling down my cheek, revealing way too much.
I don’t see it coming because I can’t see anything, but his hand comes up to my face, wiping away the rogue droplet. His fingertips are calloused but gentle, as if he might cherish me. When he lifts his fingers, my skin burns mournfully at the loss of his touch.
“Hailey…” he says, my name trailing off in that tone that begs my nerves to calm.
“Hm?”
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m trying not to think.” I focus on the lukewarm sunshine from above as it hits midday, trying to bask in how good it feels against my skin, but Caiden keeps talking, and my eyes won’t open.
“I’m really sorry for what happened at the bonfire.”
I release a slow breath. He goes on to say, “When I knew you were coming back, I didn’t know what to do. I was as scared as you were, but like you had made it very clear to me on the lake, I figured I should just try to carry on as usual until the dust settled. I didn’t realize how seeing you would make me feel. I thought I had buried it away, but I was wrong. I know it might not mean much, but before you got here, I was already having problems with my relationship. Kristen made me happy, sure—”
“Caiden, please just stop.”
“No, you’re going to listen to this whether you like it or not. Out of everything that has happened since you planted your feet back here, you need to know the truth.”
I open my eyes, turning my head to face him. He has my full attention now. I want nothing more than the truth, because everything up to this point has felt so convoluted and cloudy.
“Kristen was a good girlfriend, but like I mentioned, it was easy for me because I only saw her every other week or so because she lived in Denver. Her dad was a developer buying up property around town, so her time was split up between home in the city and in PineCrest helping her parents for work. I liked that. I needed the space and distance to function. Since the relationship had that, it had me thinking I could date again.” He sighs, adding almost remorsefully, “You’re kind of an impossible girl to get over, Hails.”
The right corner of my mouth twitches, and I swear he stares at it like he wants to kiss it. “My relationship with her was gradual but nice, and I was content, but then all of a sudden, a year had gone by. Time seemed to zoom by, and when I really thought about it, it felt like nothing remarkable was happening for me to notice. I felt like I was just going through the motions. I panicked, I think. There was some sort of looming pressure I couldn’t define. I liked Kristen, and it felt like because I had invested so much into the relationship already, I wanted to do right by her. She deserved that. So I kept going. I wanted to be better. I wanted to fall in love again. I wanted to convince myself I was capable of living a life without you.”
I open my mouth to interrupt, but shocking me, his hand lifts back up to my face, covering my mouth. “Nuh-uh. For once I need you to let me finish.”
He doesn’t peel his hand away until he feels my smile. I hate my body’s obvious betrayal so I try to switch it back into a foreboding frown when he lifts his hand away. Which must not be convincing, because he shakes his head with a soft chuckle.
“She started coming back to her parents place to see me more, and oddly our relationship started getting worse. We argued more. I was on edge, and I had no idea why, because I thought I was trying hard to make it work. I wanted to love her. There were way more good days than bad, but the bad ones weighed heavy. That started about three months ago. I kept thinking it was just a me problem, and that this suffocating feeling would go away. So, I kept giving in to all her demands. She didn’t make me miserable. She made me happy, but it was still… flat. I don’t know how else to describe it, but I thought that this was as good as it gets. What I—what we had, Hailey—me and you—I had convinced myself that we were some sort of anomaly. I considered myself lucky I got to have that sort of happiness, and I was prepared to settle after that, because nothing could come close, right? At least nothing that I had experienced. So, I was willing to make it work with Kristen because what we had was good, even if it wasn’t great.” He pauses to release a heavy, almost pleasantly miserable sigh. “But that’s until I saw you again. Suddenly, everything changed.”
“What changed?” My voice cracks because my throat is dry, and I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I lick my lips, waiting for his reply.
“I felt the same as I did years ago. You kicked up the ashes that was my heart, and it scared me at first—okay, no—it terrified me. I thought that feeling didn’t exist anymore because I hadn’t felt it in so long. I shook it off at first, trying to keep things in perspective, but it only got harder.”
God, I know how true that statement is, and I can’t help myself as the words find a way to escape. “It did only get harder.”
“Kristen could sense it, too. It wasn’t fair to her, but there was a lot to deal with.” He absentmindedly thumbs through the worn copy of my book before tossing it in front of him on the blanket. Maybe he has a love/hate relationship with it, too. This possible fact, I adore.
“It had been almost a year since I picked up your book. After dealing with the loss of your mom, and still fighting the emotional battle of that, all of a sudden, word flew fast that Hailey Elwood was back in town. By fast, I mean Brandon called me when he was on his way to your house. I pretty much hung up on him and started rereading your book. I got through it in one night. It felt sadistic, but it had all the pieces I think I was missing. It’s nostalgia, ya know? Your mom is in your book as much as us, and even our friends. I liked the refresher, but at the same time I asked myself what the fuck I was doing. I hadn’t even seen you yet, and I was in a frenzy. After a day of panic, I started remembering how angry I was at you for leaving, but it suddenly felt misplaced, and then I didn’t know how to feel. Which I think was worse than being angry or sad. I knew at that point I had to see you just to figure out what to feel. That’s why I showed up at the bar unannounced that night. I couldn’t take it. At first, I thought I’d hide out until you left town, but it started to feel like such an idiot move to miss the opportunity to lay my eyes on you, especially since I kept thinking I made up what I felt for you in my head.”
I’m stunned. It’s like he’s plucking my own feelings from my brain. He must see the recognition, because he smiles before continuing.
“Dammit Hailey, when I saw you, I wanted you so bad.” He pauses to let out a chuckle. “It was actually a little infuriating to realize through my wonder how I really felt about you, that I wanted you more than I wanted anything else. I was even mad at myself all over again for not waiting for you.”
He makes it a point to focus his eyes on me, casting a lure into my soul without even trying, and catching. “I knew I had to keep life in perspective, and as time went on and I kept pushing myself to the limit, you made it abundantly clear that we each have separate lives, and I had to remember that I was trying to make my relationship work. Even if it was excruciating, I tried to do what you said. I shifted gears, trying to focus on Kristen again, but dammit, I had ADHD when it came to her. I was obviously distracted… by you. She noticed. That sucked because I didn’t want anyone to get hurt, either. She didn’t deserve that.” He pauses, gulping down his thought. “You or Kristen, so I trekked forward. Trying to salvage what I had built. It didn’t work. When you showed up tear-stained and angry at the fire station over your mom, I’ve never been so compelled to comfort someone in my entire life. I’m not the most nurturing guy, but my lips never wanted to soothe anyone so badly. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe I wanted to soothe your sadness as much as I wanted to soothe my pain. It hurt, holding myself back from you. The moment I said fuck it and let it all go to kiss you, I’ve never felt so alive in my entire life. This is when I valued time. The past year blindly raced by without me realizing it, but I never wanted time to go more slowly than in that moment when I finally had you.”
