by Odette Stone
The words blurted out of me. This was the truth. I hadn’t even been able to admit that to myself but I was absolutely terrified of further entangling myself up with this man. Yes, he would be able to make it work, but one day he might decide he didn’t want to make it work anymore. And I would not survive that.
“You don’t trust me.”
“I have never trusted anyone more in my life.”
“But you think I’ll hurt you.”
“Not intentionally. I think your intentions are extremely honourable.”
He picked up the ball for Chloe and fired it so hard it disappeared into a groove of trees. She took off after the ball but once she was at the trees, she looked back at him in bafflement.
He turned on me. “I’m offering to marry you. I’ll take that commitment seriously.”
“I know you would. But your commitment is out of a sense of obligation, not love.”
Chloe was barking at the trees.
“What is the difference?” I could hear the frustration in his voice.
I turned my face up to this man and in him I saw the little boy who had faced such a tough world growing up. Someone who didn’t know the difference between obligation and love had never really been loved. It made my heart ache.
Chloe sat down in front of the trees, threw her head back and howled. Jackson gave me a hard-to-read look before he started jogging towards Chloe. I heard him talking to her. The two of them disappeared into the dense patch of foliage.
It struck me that the man would be an incredible father. He was patient and protective. Intelligent and kind. My heart was flopping around like a fish on dry land. Gasping last desperate breaths. Did I really have the right to keep this man from raising his child?
A ball came sailing out from the bushes and then Chloe came crashing after it. With ears bent backwards and a happy smile on her face, she ran full throttle towards her ball.
If we got married, he would become the centre of our child’s universe. An innocent child who only knew how to openly love with a full heart. And if it didn’t work out? If something went sideways? If, for some reason, he decided to leave us? That child would feel the impact of that for the rest of his or her life.
Jackson jogged back to me. He continued to pick up the ball and fire it for Chloe, but he never once looked at me. He was avoiding my gaze. Some part of him had just shut down. He had retreated so far back behind his walls, I could no longer feel him.
“Want to head back?” he said lightly. He was so good at pretending. I felt tears prick behind my eyes.
“Sure.”
Chapter 5
Walking back to the loft, I got a text from Matt.
Matt: Do you have plans tonight?
I frowned at my phone. I glanced over at Jackson, who was trying to wrestle a stick out of Chloe’s mouth. Chloe was in heaven. I realized that the only person I actually wanted to spend time with was Jackson.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?” my voice was casual.
A minuscule twitch touched his eye. “Sorry, I have plans tonight.”
I knew he was lying. He followed that with an easy smile.
I smiled back and we continued to walk.
“Have a good night,” he said when he got to his truck. The guy could not get away from us fast enough.
“You too.” I stood and watched as he gunned his truck backwards. Well, I had just found the one thing that scared our SEAL. Telling him you love him literally sent him running in the opposite direction.
***
I made my way back up to the loft and texted Matt back.
Me: Just having a quiet night. Talk tomorrow?
Matt: For sure.
Chloe curled up to me on the couch and lay her chin on my knee when I started to cry. This was such a colossal mess. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. Why was this so difficult? I felt like I was in a small sailboat in the middle of wild seas. Disoriented. Alone. Scared. The only thing I was certain about was this this was all going to end very badly.
I was so stupid. Jackson was the only person who had been willing to get into that boat with me and he had offered to help me. And instead of being eternally grateful, I questioned his reasons and scared him off so bad, he basically jumped ship and swam away.
I had no idea what my problem was. I wished for about the thousandth time that my granny was here to counsel me. I missed her mischievous blue eyes that sparkled so bright. What would she tell me to do? She would have loved Jackson. I wasn’t so certain that she would have been as enamoured with Matt, but Jackson would have scored high in her books.
I heard a car pull up and then there was footsteps coming upstairs. I dashed into the bathroom to wash my tearstained face.
“Emily?” Matt bellowed.
“Matt?” I stuck my head out the door. “What are you doing here?”
He was carrying some grocery bags. “Don’t say no. I was at the deli and I couldn’t stand the thought of you sitting here all by yourself. So, I thought I would cook you dinner.”
“Matt,” I said weakly. All I wanted was some peanut butter toast and my bed.
“Don’t say no,” he gave me a pleading look. “You were there for me every single day through thick and thin. Let me cook for you. I don’t even have to eat with you. Just let me do something nice for you.”
I rubbed my eye. “I can’t promise I’ll be good company.”
“Come on, Em. It’s me. Just me. If anyone knows how to hang, it’s us.”
***
I sat at the island and watched as Matt cooked. He didn’t cook often but when he did, he knew what he was doing. Tonight he was making my favourite dish, sweet and sour chicken on brown rice noodles with an apricot ricotta salad on fresh greens. I tried to remember the last time he had cooked this particular dish for me, but it had been months.
He kept the conversation light. Talked about how he was going to go back to work soon. How his firm had been so good to him throughout his accident. Next week he was starting to work out with a personal trainer.
His phone rang.
“Hey mom….no. I’m just at the loft. Cooking dinner for Emily.”
She talked at length. Then he put the phone over the receiver. “Do you mind if we have one more? My mom is feeling kind of low.”
My mouth parted. So much for him cooking and leaving me to eat in peace. The last person I wanted to see right now was Irene. I had humiliated her son in public. The fallout promised to be tense.
“Are you sure she wants to see me?” I whispered.
Matt frowned in confusion. “Yeah, why not?”
Apparently, I still didn’t have the bead on how this family functioned.
“Okay.”
“Come on over mom, we’d love to have you.”
***
Irene took a cab over and gave me a warm kiss on both cheeks. She had brought a bottle of wine for her and Matt.
“How are you feeling?” she asked warmly. I felt tense from anticipating the worst.
“Uh, okay.”
“Oh,” she touched her chest. “When I was pregnant with Matt, I was sicker than a dog for the first 6 months. Couldn’t keep anything down. The only thing I could manage was rhubarb.”
This was definitely not how I had envisioned this conversation going.
“Oh, wow.”
“My mother came up with at least a dozen different recipes. Rhubarb soup. Rhubarb juice. Rhubarb pie.” She gave me another warm smile.
“Do you still like rhubarb?”
She peeled with laughter. “That is hilarious. Yes. I do. I still love rhubarb.”
Matt set the table for three and then ushered us to sit down. It was almost surreal how normal these two were acting. It was like they both hadn’t got the memo that I had left Matt at the alter because I had gotten pregnant with Jackson. Irene talked at length about her garden. How she was looking forward to going to Turks and Caicos with her friend and she was thinking of getting a dog when she got
back.
We finished eating and suddenly the conversation turned.
Irene carefully set down her wine glass and looked at me. “So, Emily. Have you given any thought to your next steps?”
The question caught me off guard. “I haven’t come up with a definitive plan.”
She rubbed her chin thoughtfully while she looked at me. “Raising a child alone is a big responsibility.”
“Yes.”
“Mom, we agreed to give her some time.”
I glanced between then two of them. “Give me time?”
Matt gave me a benevolent smile. “I meant what I said yesterday. About still wanting to marry you.”
“Oh. I wasn’t sure.”
Irene leaned forward. “I imagine that Jackson has been very honourable in offering to marry you and make an honest woman out of you.”
I swallowed but refused to answer.
“I know that Jackson has the best of intentions but I worry about you marrying someone like him. You two are very different. And just with his dangerous job and being gone for so many months of the year.”
I felt disloyal discussing Jackson while he wasn’t here. “We haven’t made any decisions about our future yet.”
“Yes,” she smiled. “I’m sure you will make the right decision.”
“Thank you.”
She looked at Matt. “Jackson was always so popular with the girls. In high school do you remember how many girls would phone or just randomly show up at our house.”
Matt laughed. “Dozens.”
“As a mother, I had to enforce the no bedroom, no closed door rule. He always had a wild side and matters didn’t improve when he joined the navy. With all the booze and his buddies to egg him on.” She shrugged and looked at Matt. “Who would have imagined that he would settle down before you, Matt?”
I felt like I had shown up to a gun fight with a wet napkin. I had no defence against this woman. She was hitting every scared nerve in my body.
She was painting a picture of Jackson that I hadn’t yet seen but I could easily imagine. An incredibly hot navy SEAL with his big muscles and his navy friends and a long line of women willing to jump in his bed.
I remembered him turning on his charms towards Julie that night at my party. He had stood so close to her and made her feel like she was the only one in the room. Hot jealousy and incredible insecurity knifed through me. The man could get anyone he wanted. He was beautiful, had an incredible body and a job that men coveted and women swooned over. He even vocalized that he didn’t want a baby or commitment. And his reward was getting stuck with me?
How long would our marriage last? How long would he be able to sit in the box before he needed to break free? It wasn’t a question of if he would leave, it was more a question of when. I could write the book on how to play it safe in life. Jackson made his living running towards the most dangerous things in this world. Throw a crying baby into the mix and he would be clawing at the walls of our marriage within a year.
Chloe whined and gave a sharp bark. Footsteps, taking two stairs at a time. I heard the door slide open. I did not turn around and instead watched Matt and Irene freeze in their tracks.
Irene recovered first, by touching her throat. “Hi Jackson.”
Chapter 6
I turned around and looked at Jackson. He was standing at the door. With a deceptively casual stance, he was taking in all of this cozy scene - the dinner, the wine, the three of us. His green glance skimmed over my face without expression, yet somehow he still managed to make me feel like my only ally had just busted me dining with the enemy. I bristled with indignation. I had invited him first to stay for dinner, and he was the one who lied and drove off like his hair was on fire. It wasn’t my fault Matt and Irene had shown up for dinner unannounced. Without speaking to him, I turned around in my seat, giving him my back. His issue, not mine.
“Come in,” Irene invited him into my kitchen. “We just finished dinner.”
Matt had stood up and started to clear the table. “Do you want some food? We have lots of leftovers.”
Jackson appeared by my side and put his hand on the back of my chair which was an unusually possessive move from him. I glanced up at his face, trying to read his expression.
“My plans got cancelled,” he spoke down to only me.
“I’m glad,” I said faintly. “Are you hungry?”
He held my gaze for a fraction of a second longer than necessary. “I’m good.”
“You want a beer?” Matt asked.
“Sure,” Jackson said. He pulled a chair around the table and sat next to me. There were four sides to the table, but it felt like a statement that he would sit on my side with me.
Irene and Matt didn’t skip a beat. They kept up their witty repertoire while Matt cleaned the kitchen, laughing and joking about various things with Jackson. When Matt and Irene wanted to be inclusive, they definitely knew how to make someone feel welcome. Beside me, Jackson was relaxed and seemingly at ease. He sipped his beer, participated in the conversation, and occasionally teased me. So why was I so anxious? I felt so uptight I could barely speak.
The conversation turned to Jackson.
“So, you must be almost ready to head back to Virginia,” Irene said.
“Got my papers. I head back Friday.”
I could feel my entire body stiffen, I turned my gaze down onto the table, trying desperately to hide my despair over that fact.
Matt crossed his arms. “So, what exactly does that mean? Do you get sent out to fight right away?”
“Nah, we probably will spend at least two months in training before we get deployed.”
“How long are you deployed for?”
“We train or are deployed anywhere from eight to ten months.”
Irene shook her head. “I was a wife of a cop for 29 years and I never got used to my husband going out every day to serve and protect. But to have your husband leave for weeks or months at a time. I can’t imagine.”
“Do you still live on the base?” Matt interjected.
“Always have, probably always will.”
“Oh that is unfortunate,” Irene said.
Matt changed the subject. “Hey, Emily, do you remember Donny? He is one of the senior partners at my firm.”
I nodded.
“He just bought a house in the Hamptons. You should see this place. It has the most stunning view of the water. His kids are learning to surf and now he’s even talking about getting a boat. He invited me down for a weekend this summer.”
Irene’s eyes were shining. “Oh, I love the Hamptons.”
This conversation was wrong on so many levels. I had no idea how the four of us could chat about homes in the Hamptons when there was a huge elephant in the room. It was bizarre on so many levels, but pretending was what Matt and Irene were best at. No one wanted to acknowledge that I was pregnant with Jackson’s baby, or the fact that only a few days ago I had left Matt at the alter.
“What kind of housing do they provide on the base?” I turned and looked up at Jackson.
Green eyes held my gaze. “For the unmarried, there are apartments. Some are shared and some are single occupancy.”
“What about people who have families?”
“Married service men or women can rent houses.”
“With backyards?”
His smile was faint. “They all have backyards.”
“I had a backyard when I was a kid.”
Irene interjected. “So, I hear that the military base is like its own tiny little town.”
“It’s self contained. There’s a larger civilian city outside of the base, but most of the staff live on the base itself.”
“Well that would be quite a shift from New York. It must be very quaint,” Irene added, making it sound like a dirty word.
Matt frowned. “Can you buy your house on the base?”
“All housing is owned by the military. We just rent.”
“Wow, those military w
ives deserve a medal.”
“Behind every strong soldier, there is an even stronger woman,” Jackson said with quiet resolution.
Matt smirked in amusement. “Is that some kind of slogan?”
Jackson didn’t smile. “Nope. Just a well known fact among us.”
My heart was beating so hard I was scared everyone could hear it. I was starting to feel a bit panicky. I hadn’t even thought about what married life to Jackson would be like. Irene had effectively painted the picture of him being gone for months, working some insanely dangerous job while I would be stuck in some tiny military town in a rental house. Add in a new baby, dozens of woman that probably wanted to have sex with him and a husband that didn’t want to be tied down and I was officially over my head.
Irene was watching my face. She knew. She knew what I was thinking.
She stood up. “Well, I really need to get back to my hotel. Jackson would you be a doll and drive me?”
My lips parted.
Matt interrupted my train of thought. “Emily, would you mind if I stayed back and talked to you for a bit?”
Now it was my turn to avoid Jackson’s gaze.
“No, of course not.”
Irene kissed both of my cheeks. She was chatting a mile a minute to Jackson as they walked out.
***
Matt held out his hand and lead me to the couch. He leaned his arm over the back and smiled at me. “Emily.”
“Matt,” I started.
He held up his hand. “Please. I need to get something off my chest.”
“Okay.”
“I know I did everything wrong the last time and I totally screwed this whole thing up between us. And I only have myself to blame.”
“Matt.”
“No, I take the blame for all of this. I should have recognized and addressed my own health issues. None of this would have happened if I had been a better partner to you.”
We stared at each other. No words came out of my mouth.
“I don’t want you to marry Jackson. I don’t want you to end up on some military base alone while he is in some shit hole in Syria in a gun fight. I don’t want that life for you. You deserve more than that, Emily. You deserve to live in the most vibrant city in the world with a vacation home in the Hamptons. You deserve beautiful dinner parties and elegant galas. Your granny lived in that world, and that is your birth right to live in it too.”
