by Mari Carr
She was amazed by how awake she was. She should be dead tired after no sleep.
He winked at her and she blushed to realize she’d been staring at him.
“Hey, Jill. How about a piece of that Dutch apple pie?” Jonesy called out from the other end of the lunch counter.
“I thought your wife put you on a diet because of your high cholesterol?” Jill answered.
“That piece of pie won’t hurt anything. I mean, I didn’t ask for a scoop of ice cream on it, and it’s fruit,” the fire chief replied.
Several people sitting at the counter laughed as she shook her head and gave him a stern look. “I’m telling you right now, Jonesy, if I catch hell from your wife for feeding you pie, you’re going to be banned from this diner for a month.”
The man considered her threat, and Jill was afraid he was going to call her bluff. Truth was, she’d never ban the dear man—she enjoyed his company far too much.
Mercifully, Wes decided to lend a hand. “A whole month? Damn, Jonesy. That’s a long time. Don’t know if I’d push my luck on that.”
“All right, fine,” Jonesy replied with a scowl. “Skip the pie. Damn doctors. Damn wife.”
She fought back a grin when the older man looked positively childlike, sulking over his lost dessert and cursing everyone who was keeping him from his favorite treat.
“I have some fresh berries in the back. Blueberries and strawberries. I could even throw a tiny scoop of fat-free whipped cream on there for you,” she said as a peace offering, hoping to keep him from becoming too discouraged by his diet. The man had a sweet tooth the size of an elephant.
“Hey, that sounds good,” Wes said. “I think I’ll have that too.”
Jonesy nodded, pleased by Wes’ support. “Berries would be great, Jilly. Thanks.”
She smiled her thanks at Wes. He leaned forward, chuckling, and spoke low so only she could hear. “You’re gonna make a hell of a mother one day, Jill. You’ve got that powerhouse don’t mess with me tone down to a tee.”
Her smile froze at his words.
What the hell was she doing?
She looked at Wes’ face and knew she’d been wrong. Terribly wrong to hide something so important from him. With his words and actions, he’d made it clear what his plans for the future were. She was only prolonging the agony by lying to him, lying to herself. The reality of her deception crashed down on her and she knew she’d let things go too far.
Walking to the kitchen, she began to scoop out the desserts. Her body was numb, her heart beating unnaturally fast and hard. She’d made some mistakes in her life but this one was huge and the fallout would take her a lifetime to recover from.
The bell above the diner door rang and Seth walked in. She was surprised to see him take the seat next to Wes.
“Jeez, Jill. Want some fruit with that whipped cream?” Cheryl asked from behind her.
She glanced down to discover she’d buried the berries in whipped cream, the fluffy white stuff overflowing the plates and covering the counter.
“Shit,” she mumbled.
“You okay, honey?”
Jill looked at Cheryl and nodded. She was having trouble speaking through the lump in her throat.
“Are you sick? You look sort of pale.”
She was lightheaded, nauseous and the definite beginning of a headache was emerging, but she didn’t tell Cheryl any of that. “I’m fine,” she said, her voice sounding tense.
She walked back to the dining room before Cheryl could question her further. She placed Wes’ dessert in front of him as he and Seth conversed about last night’s basketball game. She delivered Jonesy’s dessert as well.
As she turned, she hit her injured arm against the corner of the coffee machine.
“Damn,” she said, rubbing the flesh. Wes and Seth looked up, concerned.
“You okay, Jill?” Seth asked.
“Yeah,” she said. “Just banged my damn arm. Not paying attention.”
Wes frowned. “Isn’t that the arm you hurt last night?”
She nodded. Her brain was fried and she wished she could just go upstairs, curl into a ball and cry her eyes out. She was too tired for this shit.
Seth looked from her to Wes. “What happened last night?”
Jill rubbed her forehead and considered taking a couple aspirin. There was no way she was going to be able to avoid the coming migraine.
Wes explained to Seth about the ice on the stairs and then, to her surprise, he filled the man in on all the other odd pranks that had been happening over the past couple of weeks, watching Seth closely for a reaction. She’d told Wes that Seth was innocent, but obviously her word wasn’t good enough. She’d lost total control of her life and here was Wes, questioning her friend despite her assurances Seth would never hurt her.
Her temper snapped. She walked over to them and leaned forward.
“Jealous much, Wes?” she asked, her voice lined with fury.
“What?” he asked, his face betraying his confusion. He was surprised by her sudden anger.
“I don’t appreciate you accusing Seth in front of me.”
Wes frowned. “I wasn’t accusing Seth of anything. I was—”
“I know what you’re doing,” she said, her voice rising as she cut him off. The conversation in the diner started to die down, but she couldn’t make herself care. She needed to get Wes out of here, out of her life. Everything had been fine until he’d come along and fucked it up. Made her want things she couldn’t have. Made her feel things she shouldn’t.
She’d been content, in control. Now she was living in the eye of a tornado, watching and waiting for the shit to hit the fan. It was unnerving and frightening as hell. “What goes on in my life is none of your business, so I’ll thank you to keep your nose out of it.”
Wes stood slowly, his face clouded with uncertainty. They were attracting an audience and he knew it. “Jill, why don’t we go upstairs and—”
“No!” she yelled. “No. I don’t want to talk. God, is it so hard for you to understand that maybe there are things I just don’t want to fucking talk about? Not now. Not ever!”
He nodded slowly. His jaw was set, his body tense. One glimpse at his eyes and she knew. Knew he understood this argument had nothing to do with her falling on ice. “I see.”
The simplicity, the coldness of his response spoke volumes. “Good,” she said quietly.
Wes turned and left the diner without another word. Jill sucked in a painful breath. Every eye in the diner was on her and she fought against the urge to crumble to the floor in tears.
She turned stiffly toward Cheryl. “I have a headache. I’m going upstairs.”
Cheryl nodded, her face showing dismay and disappointment.
Unable to face hurting yet another person she loved, Jill closed her eyes and walked away.
* * * * *
Jill remained in her apartment all afternoon. She walked in, dropped down on the couch and stared at the wall for hours. Dusk had set an hour ago but she couldn’t summon the energy to turn on a light, so she sat in the dark and listened to the silence. Wes hadn’t returned after her asinine attack at lunch. Cheryl had knocked on the door earlier, but Jill didn’t answer. Kate had been ringing her phone off the hook, but she’d let every call go to voicemail.
She’d expected to cry, thought the tears would burn away some of the pain, but they wouldn’t come. Obviously she’d held them at bay too long. Instead, she was empty, numb.
Wes hadn’t come back. He had lots of personal items in her apartment and she’d thought maybe he’d stop by to pick them up if nothing else.
A light knock on the door roused her. Her heart raced. Had Wes had finally returned?
“Jill?” Seth’s voice called.
Just her luck, the wrong man at her door. Seth hadn’t come to her apartment for months, not since she’d broken off their relationship. Curiosity prompted her to rise and open the door. He’d witnessed her insanity earlier with Wes. He was prob
ably thanking his lucky stars he’d never gotten too involved with her.
“Hey, Seth. What are you doing here?”
He looked uncomfortable. “Can I come in for a few minutes?”
She took a step back and gestured for him to enter. He looked around, searching the room.
“Wes isn’t here,” she said.
He grinned good-naturedly and she thought she could sense his relief.
“What’s up?” she asked, suddenly sorry she’d opened the door. She was dog-tired and depressed as hell. Having a conversation with anyone right now seemed like too much work.
Seth walked over to her couch and dropped down. She moved to take the chair. They’d spent lots of time together in her apartment but very little of it in the living room. Seth had been an easy lover, both of them seeking each other out when the need for companionship became too great. Neither of them expected or needed conversation. They were friends who’d built a solid foundation of trust between them over the years. However, they’d created nothing beyond that—no emotions, no demands, no shattered dreams.
Jill wished she’d managed the same feat with Wes.
“I’ve missed you,” he said.
She looked at him, confused. “Missed me? I’ve been right here. Besides, I’ve seen you loads lately.”
“That’s not what I mean. I miss being with you.”
“Oh.” His confession caught her unaware. He’d never given her any indication that their decision to stop sleeping together bothered him.
He looked at her with apologetic eyes tinged with longing and she suddenly understood. God, she’d been blind. “Seth—”
“Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything. You were never anything but honest about what you wanted from our relationship. I was the one who was hiding the truth, lying about my hopes.”
She struggled to respond but his words struck a chord. She’d been doing the same thing with Wes. Carrying him along on her roller coaster of emotions, sending him so many damn mixed signals it was a wonder he’d stuck around as long as he had.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know.”
He grinned ruefully. “I sort of consoled myself by thinking that you didn’t want anybody. Didn’t take the brush-off too personally. Then you started seeing Wes.”
“I’ve been a heartless bitch.”
“God, no. You haven’t. You’re in love with the guy. It’s fucking with your head. Anybody can see that.”
She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the chair. “Great. I like looking like an idiot in front of the whole town.”
He chuckled. “The idiot part wasn’t really apparent until today.”
She opened her eyes and smiled. Seth was a good friend and she appreciated his humor. “Gee, thanks.”
Seth shrugged. “That’s what friends are for.”
They sat in silence, though she knew there was more he wanted to say. “So why are you really here?”
“I know who threw the brick through your window, who’s been messing with your car and your toilets.”
She feared he was here to confess, but she couldn’t accept that Seth would ever stoop to such juvenile pranks. Not even after she’d unwittingly trampled on his heart. “Who?”
“You remember that woman I was dating for a while?”
She nodded. “The one you met at the bar in Harrisburg? The one who was…” She paused, the answer becoming clear.
“Jealous,” Seth supplied. “Apparently, she didn’t like getting dumped.”
“I don’t understand what that has to do with me. We were finished before you started dating her.”
Seth leaned forward and rested his elbows on his thighs. “That’s my fault. When I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore, she kept pushing for a reason why. It sort of escalated into a nasty fight and I blurted out that I was still in love with you.”
Jill winced.
“I shouldn’t have dragged your name into it. I knew she had a jealous streak, but I didn’t have a clue she’d retaliate against you. I figured she’d harass me. You know, a lot of crying phone calls, showing up at my work to cuss me out. That kind of shit I expected. I had no idea she’d go after you.”
“How do you know it was her?”
“I sort of had a bad feeling after Wes came by my work to question me about someone breaking your window, but I brushed it off as teenagers being stupid. Today at lunch, when he told me about the ice on your stairs and your car, well, I just put two and two together. I drove up to Harrisburg to see her today. Asked her straight out.”
“Asked or accused?”
Seth smiled sadly. “I knew it was her and I was pissed off. It may have come across as an accusation.”
“And she confessed?”
He nodded. “Yeah. She actually twisted it around, tried to make her actions look like true love. She thought I’d be impressed she would go to such lengths for me. Thought it should prove what a fool I was for breaking up with her.”
“Wow. Girls like that only come along once in a lifetime, Seth. You might want to reconsider—”
“Don’t even finish that sentence,” he said. His tone was light, playful. This conversation was going a long ways toward mending the rift she hadn’t even noticed between them. She’d been so wrapped up in her own self-pity lately, she’d failed to see the pain she’d caused a friend.
“Anyway,” Seth continued. “She’s offered to pay for all the damages and to drive down here to apologize. She’s also promised to steer clear of you from now on. Of course, it’s up to you if you want to press charges. She would deserve it if you did and I wouldn’t blame you. It’s just…”
His words drifted away but she could fill in the blanks. He felt guilty for what had happened. “I’m not going to press charges,” she said. “And I don’t want you to think you’re responsible for this.”
He started to argue but she cut him off. “No, I mean it, Seth. I was heartless and cruel.”
“Damn it, Jill, you weren’t—”
“Please let me finish. I thought you understood. I thought you knew I wasn’t looking for a long-term relationship. I suppose I’d closed myself off enough from that concept that I didn’t notice when your emotions became engaged.”
“I knew we were just hanging out. I mean, you said right at the beginning you weren’t in it for love. Somewhere along the line I guess I just forgot.”
“You could’ve told me.”
He smiled sadly and shook his head. “No. That only would’ve ended things earlier. You love Robson, don’t you?”
She considered lying in order to protect him. She’d done more than her fair share of tramping on his heart. Then she decided he deserved the truth.
“Yes.”
“I’m glad,” he said easily.
“You are?”
“I was kind of afraid you’d never let yourself experience that. You deserve to be happy and in love.”
She blinked quickly, trying to hold back the tears at his kind words. “You are a wonderfully sweet man, Seth.”
He shrugged and she could tell she’d embarrassed him. He stood up and she followed suit. She opened the door and he stepped out onto the landing.
“Good luck, Jilly. I hope Robson realizes what he’s got with you.”
She sucked back her breath, holding in the sob that almost escaped. She nodded so she wouldn’t have to answer, wouldn’t have to admit that it was she who had screwed everything up this time by keeping her own secrets.
He hugged her and she returned the embrace.
“See you around,” he said, kissing her lightly on the cheek.
“I’ll be here,” she whispered as he walked downstairs. She went back inside. Back into the dark. Alone…again.
* * * * *
Wes walked into the diner and claimed a seat at the counter. He stared at the hallway that led to Jill’s apartment, trying to figure out his next move. She’d thrown him for a loop earlier. He’d spent the past coupl
e of weeks certain he could overcome whatever issues Jill had with long-term relationships. The utter desolation in her eyes this morning as she picked her silly fight made him think he was wrong.
“That’s a serious look.”
Wes glanced over and saw his best friend standing beside him. “Rick, I didn’t see you.”
“I noticed.”
“What are you doing here?”
Rick pointed to the Styrofoam carry-out box. “Kate’s working late tonight. Parent-teacher conferences. So, I’m fending for myself for dinner. Had to run into Harrisburg for some motorcycle parts and I’m late getting back. Thought I’d let Jill fix my dinner for me.”
Wes nodded. The mention of Jill’s name sent his gaze back to the hallway, to the staircase that would lead him to her.
“She hasn’t been down all day.”
Wes looked at Rick, confused. “What?”
“Cheryl told me you and Jill had a bit of a fight. She said Jill went up to her apartment after you left and hasn’t come down all day.”
“Shit,” he muttered. He’d noticed she wasn’t in the diner the minute he walked in.
“What was the fight about?”
Wes shook his head. “Fuck if I know.”
Rick put his food on the counter and claimed the seat next to him. “You don’t know what you’re fighting about?”
“No. Not a clue.”
“Damn, man. That’s not good.”
“I know.”
Rick studied his face, his brows lowered. “Never known you to shy away from a fight, Wes. It’s obvious you’re in love with her. Go up there and make things right. Grovel if you need to.”
Wes ran a hand through his hair, frustration permeating his body. “It’s not that easy. I’m not the one fighting the relationship. Jill is. She’s hiding something, but she won’t tell me what it is. Kate hasn’t said anything to you, has she?”
Rick frowned and shook his head. “No. I know she’s been worried about Jill lately, but she’s never given me any indication about what’s wrong.”
“Fuck it!” He slammed his hand on the counter “I can’t keep doing this. I’m going upstairs and I’m demanding that she tell me what’s going on. I don’t care if I have to tie her up and beat her ass until she does.” Wes stood and walked toward the stairs before stopping. He fought to take a deep breath and calm down. Anger wasn’t going to help this situation.
