Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shoppe
Book 4 - A New Hope
Written By Robert P. Wills
Illustrations by Daniel Young and Rio Burton and (regrettably) the Author
Cover Art by Sara Allen
Also I would like to thanks the talented Chance for his excellent cover work.
Find his music at www.mynameischance.com
Copyright November 2014
Absolutely no animals were harmed in the writing of this story. There was a certain kitten that seems to like to pounce on bare feet that was scolded. But only once because he was so cute.
Any similarity between the characters in this book and persons living or dead is purely coincidental. The author has made an effort to avoid using the names of real places or businesses in this tale. Again, similarities with like-named businesses or places is purely coincidental. And the songs. Especially the songs.
Drimblerod and Grimbledung
Having Minor Problems
“It all ends in one of two ways: either someone gets eaten or something blows up.”
- J. Henson
“It all ends in one of two ways; either someone gets blown up or Grimbledung dies.”
- R.P. Wills
Chapters in Order of Their Appearance
A Spoonful of Arsenic and Old Lace To help the GrimbleWolf Stay Down
All’s Not Quiet on the Second-Hand Sorcery Shoppe Front
Rat’s Race To A Hot Tin Roof
Maca’s Vision - The Author’s Cut
If Maca Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy
A Walk and a Hire
Makuna Hah-Tatá?
Settling In
Breakfast, First. Aution Second
A (Breakfast) Date With Destiny
Drimblerod Buh!-dazzled
Nets? Cast. Gnomes? Caught
She’s The Coal Miner’s Daughter
How Much Wood Could Semfeld’s Woodchuck Chuck
Exactly How Much Wood Semfeld’s Beaver Will Chuck (Not a lot)
Return of the One Armed Man!
No More Wood Chucked By Semfeld’s Beaver Because It Don’t Chuck, Won’t Chuck, Wood
Home Again, Home Again In a Stinkedy Rig
Thievery 101
The Old Man and the Sea (of Sand)
Beans Spilled, Pot Stirred
How I Gave Up Worrying About GrimbledungWolf (And Learned to Love Gnome Lycan)
Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Beard
Simply Supply Shopping
Dating Gnomes For Sport and Leisure
All My Magic Marbles
General Hospitality
The Days of Their Lives - Past?
They Have Dinner at Julie’s – and They Both Kind of Liked It
The Gnomes and the Restless (Dwarfesses)
Keep Calm...and Black Widow On?
It’s a Very Loose End. With a Stool
Trying to Plan the First Annual Julesville Jamboree
Perplexing Pilfering Persists
Grim Noir, Private Investigator
Grimbledung’s Hope
Grimbledung - the Young and the Deceased
Grim Point Oh
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands! (Day One) - The Sting
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands! (Day Two) - The Players
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands! (Day Two) - Lunch
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 3) - You should just skip this...
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 4) - The Hook
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 4 ½) – It’s Art
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 4 ¾) – Lunch
Meanwhile...
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 5) -The Tale
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 5 still) - The Wire
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 5) - The Windup
Grim Noir – The Case of the Missing Wands (Day 6) - The Finale
Only One More Sleep to the Jamboree?!
Let’s Get Ready To Rumble?
Meanwhile, On the Great Shambler Plains
Shambler? On a Pike?
Gnomes, and Halflings, and... Mary? Oh My.
It’s the Day of the Victory over Halflings Day Jamboree!!
Victory Over Halflings Day Jamboree!
The (Fireless) Great Jamboree
The Great Jamboree After-Party
Door Always Rings Twice
The Seed is Planted!
Outfitted For Glory?
The Road to EternCity
About the Author
About them Illustrators
Sweets Finnegan- Liaison Officer for the Conglomeration of Planets
Chapter 1
A Spoonful of Arsenic and Old Lace
To help the GrimbleWolf Stay Down
Maca leaned forward on her workbench, peering closely into the pestle- streams of blue smoke wafted from it. Once again, she applied the mortar to it, crushing the components further. There was a delicate balance that one had to achieve when mixing potions; if the ingredients were not combined enough the concoction would not work at all. Too much and it became unstable. Often with explosive (either before or after imbibing) results. “Arsenic” she said without looking up. She reached out her hand in the general direction of that particular vial as it lifted from its nook and moved smoothly to her hand. She unstopped it and allowed several drops of the poison to fall into the creamy mixture that was now emitting more purple smoke than blue. She put the vial down. Sooner or later, it would find its way back to its customary place. Along with the stopper.
She looked up and smiled. Akita was awake in the Constabulary. It wasn’t that she had put a hex on him to control him; it was just that she found him as interesting as he found her. Knowing his whereabouts was just another way of showing her care for him. It wasn’t as if she controlled his actions. Not more than any female controlled an interested male’s actions, in any case[1]... “See you in a little bit, Akita,” she said as she looked back down at the potion. She had been working on it the better part of two days. If it went well, it would cure Grimbledung of his Lycanthropy without killing him. Or not do anything at all. Lycanthropy was one of those infections that bound itself to its host, resisting most every effort to remove it -much like Vampirism. Still, the potion had a fair chance of ridding him of the disease. That was her hope.
“Lace.” She said, holding her hand out. A ribbon of lace- from the collar of a royal garment of a particularly powerful Djinn- floated to her like a snake, twisting and writhing as it came. When it reached her, she let go of the mortar and broke a small piece of the lace off. As she crushed it into the mixture, the smoke from the pestle took a bluish tint. “Thanks for the lace, Aunt Pressa.” The lace slithered its way back to the shelf.
It wasn’t until she was in her early teens that Maca learned of her unusual pedigree. Thinking herself just another Elf (not royal lineage, but prestigious nonetheless) she assumed that other Elves also possessed her innate abilities with magic. In fact, some did. But not to her extent. At the tender age of fifteen (in Elven years- closer to four hundred as humans counted) she had what would later be called ‘the episode’. While out wandering the countryside, she and several of her friends encountered a band of Orcs. Had there been an male in the group, the Orcs would have gone about their business. As it was, the Orcs had come across four young female Elves, far from any sort of reinforcements. After a few minutes of conversation, the Orcs decided the young females were no threat whatsoever. S
o they attacked. One of Maca’s friends, Els’beth was her name, lost an arm almost immediately. The last thing Maca remembered was seeing her friend’s cleaved arm drop to the ground as she clutched her gushing stump just above the elbow. When she regained her senses, the Orcs, and unfortunately Els’beth were dead, and they were back in the safety of their village. She would find out later that not only had she killed the four Orcs they had encountered, but their entire family line to the youngest Orcling, had also been dispatched. Wiped out of existence. It was then, while lying in her bed, that she learned the truth from her mother.
“I’m a Djinnn, Maca.” She had said simply.
Maca had stared with disbelief at her mother. True, she was powerful when it came to magic, and well respected by the practically-immortal Council of Elders, but still... “Does Dad know?”
Jeannie, whose name at that very moment struck Maca as absurdly un- secretive, and now that she considered it, not very Elf-like, smiled at her daughter. “Yes, he does. So does the council.”
Maca lay in bed, looking up at her mother, bewildered. “So what is Dad?”
“He’s an Elf.” The same warm smile that she had been given for centuries glowed down at her. “Of course.”
Then the question she suddenly dreaded asking, but one she had to ask: “What’s that make me?”
“Our daughter,” Jeannie had said. The smile continued. “Just our daughter.”
“But... The Orcs.”
“Well, let’s just say you have the best of both worlds in you.” She put her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “And we’ll work on making sure you know what to expect from now on. Once you’ve rested.”
For the next half-millennia, Maca had learned and experimented. And grew powerful. Not quite as powerful as a full-fledged Djinn of course, but she was also not bound to serve any one person. And hadn’t. She smiled again. Akita was sneaking up on Drimblerod. At least he can sneak up on Gnomes. She chuckled as she continued to grind the lace into the potion. The wisps coming from it were more orange now than anything else. “Almost there, you crazy Gnome.”
A thought came to her.
More a flash of a thought. A glimpse, really. “Akita?” She said as she straightened up. The potion would have to wait; Akita was going to be involved in... something. Something unpleasant. “Straighten up in here,” she commanded as she turned to exit her backroom. Her eyes flashed red as she moved to the front door of her shop. She was sure he had been moving toward Second Hand Sorcery along with Drimblerod. Her glimpses of the future weren’t always long, or telling. But they were, more often than not, accurate. This one told her she had somewhere she needed to be; at Akita’s side. And quickly. Frustrated, she looked left and right along the street. Unsure which way Akita and Drimblerod would be going toward the shop, she left as quickly as her Elfin form would take her- there was no need to cause widespread panic.
Yet.
Chapter 2
All’s Not Quiet on the Second-Hand
Sorcery Shoppe Front
Grimbledung sat at the counter drinking. His head was pounding and an early customer had suggested that drinking the ‘hair of the dog’ would cure him. When he flatly refused to do any such thing, Colossus - who was at his first day on the job in the shop mopping floors in the back- suggested some ale instead. “That I can do,” Grimbledung assured him, then promptly ordered a small keg of ale from the brewery two blocks down- The Fat Blue Mooned Tyre. He'd been drinking it since breakfast. It's made with wheat- that's a breakfast food, right? “Bored.” He said aloud. He cringed at how loud his voice sounded. “Mayhap I will try some dog hair next time.” In the meanwhile, he poured himself another drink.
“Hey, Grimbledung,” said Colossus, as he peeked out from the curtain.
“Yeah?” Grimbledung turned to look. “You know you can come out here, you know.”
“Well, I don’t want to...” Have to talk to you, you annoyingly unstable Gnome. Colossus opted to frown instead.
Grimbledung motioned at the Halfling. “No hard feelings, and all that. What’s cooking?”
Colossus had learned very quickly that the strange Gnome often spoke literally. “Nothing. Nothing’s cooking. I was thinking of taking a break.”
“To cook something?”
“Didn’t you just eat?”
“Well, sure a couple of times. But that was almost an hour ago.”
“I’m not cooking.”
“Do you want to?”
Rat opened his mouth, then decided against entering the conversation. His plan involved getting something to eat in town. In the very near future. Any sort of discussion with Grimbledung would delay the plan. Considerably. Rat also enjoyed how annoyed Grimbledung made the poor Halfling and didn’t want to interfere with the current line of questioning.
“No, I don’t.”
“Well you know, it’s not like I am ordering you to cook anything because if you didn’t want to cook something that would be fine by me but if you were going to cook something I was going to suggest having meat in it because I could sure use some meat in something if you were going to cook something here in the very near future so it would be fine by me if you wanted to cook something.”
Colossus let out a long sigh. Working for the Gnomes seemed like a better alternative to just being stuck in a jail cell, and if the other Gnome were around, would have been. “Not really. No. I just want to take a break.”
“Well, I mean if you’re going to take a break that means you’re going to want something to eat and you really can’t get something to eat unless you’re cooking something and if you’re going to cook something you might as well cook for two because cooking for two is just as easy as cooking for one if that’s what you’re going to do while you’re taking a break.”
Rat smiled; Grimbledung was in rare form this morning.
“No. I’m just going to take a break from moping. Sit for a moment.”
“You sure?”
Colossus shook his head. “I’ll be back in a little bit. I’m just going out back. To sit.”
Grimbledung shrugged. “Suit yourself.” He waved. “See you in a bit.” He returned to his drink. Wheat’s a food, right? “Sure it is. A good and proper one, at that.”
Colossus had also learned that oftentimes, Grimbledung’s conversations didn’t necessarily involve those around him. With another headshake, he moved through the back room toward the outhouse.
Grimbledung put down his drink as Door opened and a typically large Orc entered the shop.
“You again?”
The Orc considered that. “I think so?”
“Well, if you’re sure you’re you then...” began Grimbledung.
“Got wand,” interrupted the Orc.
“Did you find it?”
“Sure?”
“Was someone holding it while you found it?” Grimbledung was not worried about buying a stolen wand unless there were witnesses to the theft. Seeing as how Orcs were not know for any sort of sneakery, the odds were that any attempt at theft by the Orc had been loud and included a number of witnesses.
“Holding what?”
“The wand.”
“Wand? No.”
“You know, I’m not too sure we’re going to be able to do business....”
“Have wand!” The Orc rushed the counter and leaned over it. He pointed a thick finger at Grimbledung. “You say you buy wand. And I go find wand. So now I say have wand. So you say you buy wand. So I say you buy wand!” His finger curled in, completing his fist. “SO BUY WAND ALREADY!”
Grimbledung clutched his head. “Alright, alright. Not so loud. That’s some hard to argue with reasoning, I suppose.” He shrugged. A thought occurred to him. “So... We have a new rule. We can only pay a copper to repeat customers. So here’s a copper!” Grimbledung put a copper coin on the counter. “So that’s the rule.”
“Rule like no more eat Elves?” The Orc made a sour face- which was saying a lot for a face that looked like an Or
c’s face.
Grimbledung blinked. “Uhm. It’s easier to follow than that.”
“Hope so.” Elves were not only tasty, but didn’t require any cleaning at all before consuming. It was a pleasant bonus. “What rule?”
“We only buy one wand a month from a customer.”
“Why?”
“Because...” Grimbledung’s mind went blank.
Rat sat up next to his friend, “Because if we buy more than one wand from a customer a month, we get taxed double. You understand taxes, right? A government needs money to operate so they levy taxes on various hapless citizens who then...”
“Don’t want civics lesson from Rat!”
“Shhhh!” He cringed again. “Well, that’s the rule. So you aren’t allowed to come back for an entire month. We don’t make the rules, we just follow them,” Grimbledung lied (softly). The Orc was not helping his pounding head.
The Orc let out a snort. “Fine. Follow that rule.” The Orc turned and started to walk away.
“Hey you.” Grimbledung called after him. “Where’s the wand?”
The Orc stopped and turned. Door latched shut behind him. “Wot?”
“So we paid for the wand but you don’t leave it,” said Grimbledung testily. “We pay wand. You still have wand. We get wand. So you leave wand!” He mimicked the Orc, albeit quieter.
The Orc walked back to the counter. “Forgot.” He looked down at Rat. “Got distracted by professor, here.” His eyes brightened up. “There rule on eating rodents?”
“Only within city limits,” said Rat.
“Just like Elves, then.”
“Ahhhh,” tried Grimbledung.
The Orc nodded and made his way towards Door. Door obliged by unlatching and opening for the creature.
“I think we’ve created a monster.”
Rat shook his head, “He was always a monster. Now he’s a capitalist.”
“Gads!”
Rat saw his opportunity and took it. “My sentiments exactly.” He licked his lips for good measure. “Well, I think I may go get a snack, now that that’s over with. You all right up here by yourself?” He twitched his whiskers. “Alone with just you and that Halfling?”
A New Hope (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 4) Page 1
