by K. L. Jessop
I smile, overwhelmed at his silence as he runs his finger over the wording. Daddy. To the world you might be one person. But to me you are the world.
“Tamzin,” he whispers, studying it in great length and when I lift his chin I’m hit with his glassy eyes.
Taking his hand, I place it on my stomach.
“I know the wording is related more to being a father but the words are how I feel about you too. I love you with everything that I am, and I know this tiny human will too. I can already feel it. You mean so much to the both of us and I can’t wait to watch you be a father. Promise me that whatever happens our baby will know that they have you no matter what life throws at them. That whatever happens with us they’ll always have their daddy?”
In a flash, he shifts me onto my back and leans over me, taking my jaw softly with one hand while his free arm cages me, looking deep into my eyes. His gorgeous browns are dilated yet compelling, full of awe and love, but I can’t help but notice the edge of worry behind them, as if what I’ve said has panicked him somehow. His tone becomes serious, yet it isn’t the intensity of his stare that causes my chest to tighten, it’s the words that follow.
“I’m not in a place in life where I can do this unless you’re standing by me, Tamzin. I can’t do this on my own. I’ll do anything and everything within my power to protect you both. Okay?”
Even though I know this, his words make me anxious. I don’t understand what he’s saying, why would he be on his own? That’s not what I was meaning and it hurts like hell just imagining a life without him. I place my hands on his chest, trying to find my words when he continues. “Answer me, angel. You know I’ll do anything for you? Anything to protect you?” His words are desperate and meaningful. I know he’ll protect me, it’s all he’s ever done since the day I met him.
I nod. “I know.”
He watches his thumb sweep over my lips, a little frown in his brow before his mouth brushes against mine with a feather-like kiss. “I love you, Tamzin King.” He whispers against me. “I love you so damn much.”
I don’t have chance to respond. His kiss is full of so much passion it steals my breath. My insides tingle with warmth and I spam my hands on his muscular back to bring him closer. His hand is flat on my stomach as our tongues dance in long delicate strokes, with a kiss that is wrapped with pure love and adoration, making my body awaken in a way I don’t think I’ve ever experienced. Two years together, and he still has the ability to knock me off kilter. I know Noel loves me; he doesn’t have to say or do anything to provide me with that recognition because I feel it deep in my soul.
Our heart is one.
Our love is pure. Unconditional and something I’m desperate to hold onto.
Noel.
Tamzin’s words the other night overwhelmed me in a way I couldn’t even begin to comprehend. The gift she gave and her honestly in her declarations that followed are something I’ll treasure forever. Everything I said in return is true: I’ll do anything I can to protect her and the baby, even if it ever means putting my life at risk in the process. They come above anything else. But I can’t deny the panic that rushed through my veins when she said them. The thought of losing her isn’t an option and it’s been eating away at me like some infected disease ever since that day we went to the midwife. I can’t lose her. I can’t lose either of them. But that isn’t what’s brought me here today. At least I don’t think it has. Truth is, I don’t know what has. I just got in the car and drove. It wasn’t until I saw the iron gates that I realised where I was. I’m still getting the same dream—the bright light and the grip on my shoulder—only now that grip feels so real. I can’t work it out or make any sense of it. It’s just a dream; it means nothing. So why is it constantly at the forefront of my mind, leaving my stomach feeling heavy?
“If ever there was a time I’d want you to annoy the shit out of me, William, then now would be it,” I say with a smile as I look down at my little brother’s headstone. “Is it you that keeps making me awake? You trying to give me some kind of sign, you little bugger?”
William was the most mischievous out of all of us boys. Having four older brothers I think he had a lot to live up to. He would constantly be out kicking a heavy ball against the neighbour’s fence, waiting to get yelled at, only to blame it on James when our parents had complaints.
The sound of the early morning call from the robin in the trees ricochets around the graveyard. The frost is biting the tips of my fingers as the low sun does little to thaw the chill in the air. Placing the Christmas wreath on the crispy white grass, I step back and push my hands into my pockets. I don’t come here as often as I should. It’s not that I don’t wish to or that I have no time—you can always make time—it’s just something I can’t always bring myself to do. “What am I to do, Will? I feel like I’m going a little crazy when I have no reason to,” I sign, closing my eyes for Tamzin to appear in my thoughts. “I can’t lose her, brother. I need her.”
“Noel?” I turn on the soft sound of my mother’s voice. She’s a few feet away, wrapped up in her long grey winter dress coat and matching Russian style hat. Her rosy cheeks are prominent, along with the sparkle in her eye. She smiles and steps forward. “Do you want some time alone, son?”
“No, Mum it’s fine.”
She comes over, places down her own wreath that she no doubt made and pats her hand on the head stone with a little nod and smile before standing beside me in silence, linking her arm through mine. My mum visits every week without fail but never speaks to William when she is in the presence of another. I used to think it was because she felt uncomfortable, but I soon learned that it was the fact she could open up more without anyone listening.
“It’s unusual to see you here this time of the morning, Noel. You should be working,” she says softly, as though speaking loudly is forbidden because of where we are. “Is everything alright?”
Just hearing those words has brought that tightness of uncertainty back to my chest. I don’t know if I’m alright. I don’t know what to think. Work stress and the thought of losing Tamzin seem to be the two things that rotate in my mind.
“Did you ever worry about not being a good mother?” I blurt out unexpectedly. I can feel her stare but I look straight ahead. If I look at her I’m afraid of what she might see in my eyes.
“I still worry now after all these years. It’s something that never goes, no matter your child’s age. Unfortunately, worry comes with being a parent. This is something Tamzin will learn as time goes on.”
I don’t bother to correct her. I hadn’t been referring to Tamzin being worried. She’s very level headed when it comes to stuff like this and up until a couple weeks ago I thought I was too. Only now I feel like I’m slowly drowning and have no idea why when I wanted this to begin with. “Did you ever fail at anything?”
“When does anyone not fail at something in life? No one is perfect and having a child is a massive responsibility; it’s a life changing experience that you learn along the way.”
“What about love? Did you ever feel as a mother you couldn’t love enough? Or that you couldn’t love more than one person because of how much love you had for them?” I’m shocking myself here. I don’t know where any of these questions are coming from. The feel of her knitted glove gently takes hold of my jaw, turning me to look at her. A warm smile graces her thin lips. “We’re not talking about Tamzin are we?”
“What if I’m not good enough, mum? What if I’m not that dad she’s expecting me to be? I love her so much she takes my breath away each and every time I lay eyes on her.” I admit. “But what if my love is not enough for the both of them? I don’t want either of them resenting me for it.” I know I’m panicking and I know I sound fucking stupid but I can’t help the irrational fear that’s suddenly rushing through my body and clouding my judgment. Is this anxiety normal? Does every parent get this? Every new father?
“Do you love them both now?”
“Of course.”
“Then why are you questioning yourself Noel? A parent’s love is different: it’s pure, unconditional and will leave you complete, but it’s different. It’s easy for me to say this because I’ve been there. You have a lot to learn, but once you have that baby in your arms you will be the best father I know you can be. You’ll have so much love for your child that words will never be able to describe. The same when you look at Tamzin, but you’ll know the difference between the two. Everyone has a heart, Noel, and your heart will share that love equally between the both of them without you having to think about it.” She looks back at the headstone once more before looking at me with tears in her eyes. “Cherish it son. Cherish them both. Because even though there is so much love, life is also cruel and you never know what’s around the corner.”
That’s what I’m most afraid of.
I pull her into a hug and let her words settle, her embrace easing the ache in my chest with warmth even though our thick coats prevent physical contact.
“Are you doing anything today?” I question as she steps out from my hold.
“Baking for Christmas. I have a new recipe for mince pies I want to try, why?”
I love watching and helping her bake in preparation for Christmas. When I was a kid I used to watch her. It eventually turned into our mother and son talk time, but it appears we’ve already done that today. “Can I come back and help?”
“Of course,” she beams. “But why do I get the feeling you need something in return.”
“Whatever made you think that?” I grin, knowing a little Christmas shopping is needed which only she can help with.
“Noel, I’ve known you thirty-two years, your eyes tell me what your mouth doesn’t.”
Tamzin.
“What do you think?” I ask, twirling in my new black dress and heels that are going to kill my feet before the night is out. I succumbed to the trauma of dress shopping again and thankfully those up above where looking down on me when I found the mostly stunning short black dress with a hint of sparkle in it.
“Jesus, angel. You look breath-taking.” He comes over to me, turning his attention to my stomach, crouches down and holds his hands on either side of my waist with his lips pressed against me. “Your Mummy is looking knock out tonight, Dumpling. So Daddy is telling you now that when we come home, she’s all mine.”
“Please don’t talk about our sexual antics with our child. It can hear you.”
“And it’s heard you each and every time you’ve screamed my name, angel.”
Oh, Jesus why did he say that?
“You hear that Dumpling? No, me neither, because that’s Mummy being speechless. Enjoy it while you can because it’s a rare occasion.”
I smack his shoulder. “Get up and stop being an idiot.”
He taps my nose. “Now your knock out dress needs to be finished off.” He walks over to the Christmas tree in his grey suit that shows off his strong body perfectly and picks up a present from under it that I never realised was there. Tonight is my maternity party at work and I’m excited and nervous in both equal measures. Noel hands me the small red rectangular box tied in white satin ribbon. My heart instantly starts to flutter and when I open it, my breath catches. The white gold angel wing necklace sparkles against the lights from the small diamonds covering the wing. It’s beautiful, but that’s not what brings the tears to my eyes. On the back are two words that fill my heart with so much love. My angel.
“Noel…”
“Merry Christmas, angel.”
“I haven’t bought you anything yet.” I admit, knowing we exchange a gift to each other before Christmas Day.
“You got me the pebble.”
“That was just a gift. It wasn’t for Christmas.”
He takes the necklace from the box and places it around my neck, coming back to me to rest his forehead on mine as his fingers comb through my hair.
“I don’t need anything else when I have everything right here.” His beautiful words linger between us with locked eyes. I don’t miss the exhale he’s trying to conceal. He’s been doing that a lot of late, like he’s deep in thought. I’ve not questioned it; I’ve just put it down to this month’s overwhelming festivities, his demands at work and the baby. But at the same time, I can’t stand here and say it’s not bothering me. I could be paranoid. It’s no doubt my hormones, but I know my man and something is troubling him.
“Is everything okay, Noel?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You just seem a little pre-occupied.”
“I don’t want to share you tonight.”
A smile tugs my lips. “It’s only a few hours.”
“I don’t care,” he closes his eyes. “I love you. I love you both.”
“I know. We love you too.” I pull away from him and kiss his forehead before taking his hand to kiss his knuckle. “Come on let’s get out of here before we both hold each other hostage.”
Like every year the building of H.T Limited is decorated inside and out with festive decorations and large Christmas trees you can lose yourself in. There was a time where it would have irritated the shit out of me but now a feeling of excitement takes hold of me like I’ve longed it to for all those years before finding Noel.
When the doors open, I gasp from the unexpected view in front of me. The wide office is packed with friends, co-workers and Noel’s family. Fairy lights are looped from the ceiling and around every item of furniture you can imagine. A makeshift dance floor is in the middle of the room, while a long table at the back of the room is full of food, drink and baby gifts. I’m speechless. Even though I knew of tonight, I never imagined the effort that has been put into it would be so immense. “It’s magical,” I whisper, leaning into Noel as my emotions get the better of me for the second time tonight.
“And it’s all for you, angel.” He smiles. “Go have fun, make tonight special.”
“Uncle No-No!” Ruby shrieks, running towards him in her royal blue party dress and jumping into his arms. The bond between those two is inseparable.
“Hey, cupcake. You look pretty.”
“Will you dance with me?”
“Of course. A gentleman never says no to a little lady.” He gives me a kiss, which causes Ruby to pull a face before they head off into the room.
“Tamzin, sweetheart.” Noel’s mum beams as she heads toward me with Harold not far behind her. “You look radiant as ever. How are you feeling?”
“Thank you, Cathy, I’m good.”
She kisses my cheek, copied by Harold who’s wearing his famous Santa hat, a red blush glowing across his cheeks from the whiskey.
“This is amazing. I was just expecting a few drinks with friends. Who put this all together?”
“I helped out a little, but it is all down to Noel.” His mother smiles. “He wanted to make tonight special for you.”
“Well he’s certainly done that.”
“Everyone seems to be enjoying themselves,” Harold says. “Sue is thrilled that you’ve both arrived.”
“You mean she’s thrilled that Noel is here?” I joke as Harold chuckles, both of us knowing that Sue—the fifty-year-old woman who’d do anything to kick me out of our bed and everything within her power to get Noel’s attention—has a fascination with my man.
“The poor guy can’t even walk down the corridor without her wanting to man-handle him.”
“His ego loves it,” I laugh.
The night is full of colleagues and friends providing well-wishes and celebratory gifts. People I’ve never even spoken to in all the years I’ve worked here hug me and Noel with bright smiles. James, a little merry from the punch, whisks me to the make-shift dance floor to dance while Karen and Noel stand by watching. I’ve not stopped laughing since I got here. I’m drunk on the atmosphere of the night. Needing a breather, though, I take myself off to the side. The sexual tension between Noel and I has been burning rapidly from across the room all night. Heated stares and seductive smiles
are frequently received making me giddy with lust.
“So I have a question,” Evie says, bouncing her way over to me in her tight silver dress, red and green tinsel wrapped around her neck.
“What question is that?”
“Are you going to breastfeed for the first twelve months?”
I looked at her with raised brows. “Are you kidding me? I’ve gone nine months without alcohol there’s no way in hell I’m going another year.” I’ve planned to try and breastfeed the baby for the first couple weeks, after that I’ll express or it’ll be on the formula depending on how things go. I want Noel to have as much input as possible and I feel that he won’t get that if the baby is permanently stuck to my chest.
“But don’t they say, ‘breast is best’?”
“I don’t care what they say. I was never breast fed and I turned out alright.”
“That’s debatable,” she laughs, throwing her arm around my shoulder.
Noel makes his way over to us and my insides squeeze as he approaches. His eyes locked with mine as I suck in my bottom lip. “Besides, I don’t think handsome here will appreciate me sharing them.”
“Sharing what?”
“Her boobs?” Evie grins as he narrows his eyes.
“Do I want to even ask what I’ve just walked into?”
“Evie asked if I’m going to breastfeed Dumpling.”
Noel’s eyes fall to my chest, the slight tip of his head as he ponders the thought. “You’re right. Baby or not I don’t think I like the thought of someone else’s mouth on my puppies.”
I raise my brows to his joke. “Your puppies?”
“What’s yours belongs to me, angel.”
Like the magnet that he is, Noel attracts people to join our little group. Dirty Dave tries his hardest to keep his sleazy hands from groping every woman that walks by in heels, while Sue stands next to Noel. We’ve never got on well since the day she openly admitted that Noel could do better.
