In My Heart: a sweetbriar hearts novel

by Everly, Nora

  “Yes, I’m waiting for you, silly. Here, put this on when you get inside.” She handed me a tiny, fitted, black T-shirt, one that was cuter than mine and didn’t have spit-up on it. It said, “First, I drink the coffee, then I do the things.” Violet’s said, “Death before decaf.” Our ensembles would be completed by purple half aprons with her logo, a coffee cup with a violet flower and her name in fancy lettering under the flower.

  “Mom was texting you earlier, right? Fine, I’ll change,” I huffed and stomped toward the back door of the shop. I knew I was cranky from lack of sleep, I sighed and smiled at Violet to make up for my bratty attitude.

  “I brought lipstick and mascara too. And a hairbrush. My God, Lily. You’re lucky you have me,” she said with a smirk.

  “I was up all night with Calla and basement zombie nightmares. Give me a break. And what’s wrong with my hair? You don’t like my mom-bun? I’m stealing this look back from the hipsters,” I stated as crankiness surged back through me. I was mouthing off to Violet and that took balls. I took a deep breath and tried to settle down.

  “You have two different shoes on. Have you no pride?”

  I looked down. Hmm, so I did. One pink and one black sneaker. I was just glad I’d chosen the right feet. “They’re both Converse. Lay off. I’m tired, damn it.”

  “Grouchy too,” she muttered under her breath. “We’ll go in. You’ll change and I’ll make you some coffee to wake you up,” she offered as she unlocked the door, and we walked through into her back hallway. I took a deep breath in, it smelled like heaven, like sugar and spice and everything nice—and coffee, so much coffee. We passed a restroom, a big walk-in storage closet, and a staircase that led to a tiny loft on the way to the main shop area.

  “I can’t drink it. I’m nursing, I haven’t had coffee in over a year. I’ll be surrounded by delicious caffeinated beverages for hours, and I can’t drink any of it. What was I thinking coming here?” I almost shrieked the words, that’s how sorry I felt for myself.

  Violet looked at me with horror and pity. “When I was nursing the boys, I drank one cup of coffee a day. You can have one coffee,” she declared.

  “How did you survive on only one cup?” Violet was a coffee fiend, completely addicted. Owning this shop was her life dream come true.

  “One cup of coffee a day, no sleep, and twin boys.” She closed her eyes and shook her head at the painful memories. “That was when I perfected my decaf roast. It won’t give you all the feels, but it’s not bad. You can try the decaf after I get you all fueled up on the regular.” She winked and bumped my shoulder with hers as she passed me.

  “I am so ready for this.” I beamed at her. “Hey, Rose.” She had unlocked the front door and burst inside with a big smile aimed my way.

  She flipped the Closed sign to Open, then waved a pair of shoes at me. I flipped her the bird and headed for the restroom to change. Her loud laugh followed behind me as I shut the door and looked in the mirror, which was something I probably should have done before I left the house. I cringed and splashed my face with water. I applied mascara and lipstick then added a bit of the lipstick to my cheeks to give me some color. Good Lord, I looked like one of the zombies in Gram’s basement—in other words, pale and dead. I decided the mom-bun could stay. Everyone loves a messy bun, right? Rose knocked on the door, opened it, and passed me the shoes, high heeled, strappy black sandals. I decided to play along with my sisters and changed. I was supposed to see Luke later; there was no need for him to see me at my slovenly best. There would be plenty of time for that later.

  “Lily, get your tiny booty out here,” Violet bellowed. I exited the restroom and tossed my stuff into Violet’s office.

  She held out a cup of coffee. “You look pretty. At least you picked good jeans to wear today. Your ass looks nice.” She nodded as she checked me out. I wasn’t even looking at her, my eyes were on the coffee. She grinned. “It’s my special of the day: vanilla bean latte. I made the syrup myself, with real vanilla beans. I don’t fool around here.”

  I accepted the cup from Violet with an unexpected reverence. This would be my first real, fully caffeinated cup of coffee in over a year. And not just any coffee, Violet’s coffee. I closed my eyes in blissed-out anticipation, then took a sip. Gah! It was delicious. Violet was a coffee goddess.

  I opened my eyes to the sound of the bell at the door bing-bonging the arrival of the first customer of the day. I looked up and spotted big Liam, Luke’s friend. We waved and smiled at each other as he headed to the counter to order from Rose. My eyebrows raised after he pulled out his phone and started texting. I headed to the cash register; I was the official ringer upper for the day. I also got to fill the little purple bags with baked goods. Violet had the cutest little bags and coffee cup sleeves, lavender with violet flowers in the center just like her aprons.

  Violet had embraced her name and the purple lifestyle. There were purple accents all over her store. The sofa was a rich royal purple, the pillows on the leather club chairs were of varying purple patterns. The tables were dark wood, but the chairs had all been painted in various shades of lavender. I inhaled deeply. It smelled good in here; it was pretty, and my kids were being taken care of. I started to relax. This would be a great day. I could feel it already. Or maybe it was just the caffeine I was feeling. Either way, day one of being fearless was a success.

  I rang up Liam’s order: fat-free iced soy latte with no whip and an egg white and spinach breakfast sandwich on Violet’s special no-carb cloud bread. He had huge, defined muscles popping out everywhere. I could see his six-pack through his shirt, and it was glorious. I guess his disgusting breakfast was one of the things that helped him get that hot bod. Aside from lifting heavy things and doing crunches or something.

  He grinned at me. I think he caught me checking him out. I blushed. Oh, well. “Have a great day, Lily,” he said.

  I nodded and waved as he headed out, then I cringed. I had been cooped up on bed rest surrounded by family members and kids for so long that I had forgotten how to behave around regular humans. Whatever. I shook it off.

  The door bing-bonged again, and Luke walked through, followed by a few other people I didn’t care about. He smiled at me, then approached Rose to order.

  “Hey, Rose,” he said.

  “Hey, Lukie, you want the usual?” Rose said with a smirky smile. She had been giving him crap since the day we were all born. If there was something to tease him about, she would be the one to do it. They had the quiet brother, annoying sister dynamic going on.

  “Yeah. Has Violet changed the name of it yet?” he asked.

  “Nope, it’s still called The Spoiled Princess. Do you want me to make the pink Barbie silhouette in the froth?” she asked with a laugh as she started to make his order. It looked like a type of cappuccino.

  He sighed. “No, I do not. But I do want the sprinkles. And two of the raspberry scones, with extra clotted cream, please.” Wow, I was right. Luke was a dessert eater now. I guess that was how he got that delicious bulky, hulky, muscular, hot, strong, forceful heft to his body. I found myself staring at him again. Damn.

  I shook myself out of my Luke trance and reached for his scones. I put them in the cute little lavender bag, then found the clotted cream.

  He came to me to pay. “Lily, did you have a good night?”

  “What? Yes, sort of. I think the zombies in the basement were extra active last night. I couldn’t sleep.” Was I flirting?

  He grinned that adorable half grin that always used to get me all swirly, then I realized I was talking to Luke. My brain had turned to mush. And, yes—I was even being kind of flirty. I was flirting with New Luke. Fine as heck, totally-pinnable-on my-hot-guy-Pinterest-board Luke.

  He stared at me intently, searching my eyes. I didn’t remember Luke ever being this intense. It was kind of scary. And hot. It was scary hot. I blushed bright red. I was cursed with super pale skin—typical redhead skin. I couldn’t remember ever blushing or being unc
omfortable with Luke before. I mean, we were born on the same day; we had literally known each other our entire lives, even in the womb.

  “It will be nine ninety-five,” I blurted out. I took his ten-dollar bill. I made change and dropped it into his huge, manly hand. A hand that had been everywhere on me, and in me. I couldn’t take it. The way he looked at me freaked me out. I was about to run away. I could feel the chickenshit rising in me, and I turned and made a mad dash for the kitchen.

  “Um, I’m going to work on an order for later. Be right back,” I called out over my shoulder and hurried through the door that led into the kitchen to squat down on the floor. I heard Rose talking to Luke out front as I huddled there like a total wuss.

  Violet eyed me with a knowing look. “Luke here?” she asked as she poured blueberry muffin batter into muffin cups.

  “No, why would you say that?” Who was I trying to kid? I couldn’t play this off. These people knew me too well, damn it. “Okay, yes, he’s here. Don’t ask me what I’m doing. I don’t even know. I am perplexed and you know I don’t like being perplexed. I can’t handle this, Violet. He was looking at me like he was on a mission or something. I am not mission material right now. I just had a baby. Women who have just had a baby can’t be mission objectives,” I rambled. I couldn’t stop talking, or thinking, or saying what I was thinking.

  Make it stop.

  “Make it stop, Vi,” I pleaded.

  “Take a breath, Lily. You’re going to stroke out or something. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. But you are coming off kind of crazy right now. You know that, right?” Violet soothed, then shoved the future muffins into the oven and set the timer.

  “I don’t know why I’m freaking out. I texted with him on the phone last night. I knew I would see him today. I tried to mentally prepare for it. I shouldn’t be reacting this way. It makes no sense.”

  “It makes sense,” Violet countered in a sensible voice. Now was not the time to be sensible. Now was the time to feed me chocolate and pat my head, dammit.

  “Does not,” I argued.

  “Are we doing this?” she said exasperatedly. “All the reasons why he was on our shit lists are invalidated. Explanations have been given. All the explanations have been accepted and are reasonable. Anger is no longer warranted. Therefore, feelings that were buried under years of anger and hurt have resurfaced to mess with your head. Plus, he is absolutely smoking hot now. I mean, he was cute before, but damn, that boy is sex on a stick. That hair, those huge arms, those shoulders, that fine ass, not to mention those tattoos.” Her eyes glazed over, then her head jerked, and she refocused on me. “I could go on, but I see that you get me, so I’ll go ahead and stop.”

  “Maybe I’ll go back out there. I did say I would talk with him today. He wants to give me all the validated reasons himself.” I stood up and headed to the kitchen door.

  “Good idea. Acting like a grown-up is always the way to go,” she said. I stuck my tongue out at her in response.

  As I got ready to open the door, I felt all the tingly jolts throughout my body that I used to get whenever I was near Luke. After all these years, that boy still made me tingle, and that pissed me right off. I didn’t have time for tingles, shivers, or swoony behavior of any kind. I quietly slunk back to the cash register that was now manned by Finn. Nick was busy helping Rose make the coffee.

  “Hey, Aunt Lily. We got it. Take a break and finish your coffee,” he said and handed me a bag full of scones. I loved this kid. Our mutual love of Violet’s scones was only one of the reasons why.

  I needed to get my fearless mojo back. I tried to think of all the girl power songs I had on my playlist. Help me, Pink! Help me, Katy Perry! But all I could hear was “Photograph,” the shitty Nickelback song we’d danced to at prom.

  My feet were walking toward Luke’s table, but my mind was taking a walk back through years of memories—the fond ones this time, not the bad ones. Luke noticed me heading his way, he stood up and pulled a chair out for me. He sat across from me, then we just stared at each other. I could tell our thoughts were similar. He had a wistful, sad expression on his face as he gazed at me.

  “I don’t know where to start,” he finally said.

  “You don’t have to get into anything heavy if you don’t want to, Luke. I pretty much know what happened,” I blurted. I didn’t want to push him into telling me anything that would cause him pain. I had already accepted that he hadn’t tried to hurt me by leaving, even though it was the most excruciating thing I had ever experienced in my life, up until Will died. I don’t think you ever fully recover from your first heartbreak. You will never have the same open ability to trust again.

  “You do?” He looked at me doubtfully.

  “You have PTSD. I know there has to be more, but that’s the nutshell version, right?”

  He took a sip of his coffee with a thoughtful expression. “It is the nutshell version. I feel like I have more to tell you though. I have missed you so much. If I had known you were pregnant, I never would have stayed away. I hope you know that, Lily.”

  Wow, that hurt. I unconsciously rubbed my chest, over my heart. I alone hadn’t been enough to make him stay?

  I leaned back in my chair and looked out the window. Violet was lucky. Her shop was at the end of a cute little strip mall designed to look like a bunch of log cabins strung together. She had windows on the front and along one side. Our table faced one of the side windows that overlooked the park across the street. We’d taken our prom pictures in the white gazebo sitting in the center of the park. Similar baskets of flowers were hanging from the hooks that lined the outside of the gazebo, and the rose bushes were in bloom, just like that day. Prom was this time of year. Maybe that was why I kept thinking about it. Or, you know, the fact that my date from back then was sitting right across from me. We’d taken the pictures, and then later when we were alone Luke had proposed to me. He had said he would love me forever, and back then I had no doubt that he would.

  I struggled with what I should even say to him. What would possibly make him understand how much he had hurt me? “I tried to let you know about Dylan, so many times, Luke. I wrote letters, dozens of letters and you sent them all back. I still have them somewhere at home in a box. I kept writing to you for a while after he was born, and you sent those back too. They’re in the same box.” I was beginning to realize that I had put a lot of things in a box. Memories, hurt feelings, fears, grief, sorrow—I had stuffed it all inside a box and shoved it into the recesses of my heart. It was about to burst open, and I didn’t want it to happen right now or maybe not ever, so I stopped trying to explain.

  “Can I read them?” he asked tentatively. His crossed arms rested on top of the table. I could see pine trees, a forest full of them tattooed on one; on top—it looked like his backyard, a piece of home inked on his arm.

  My eyes drifted up to find him leaning toward me. Studying me. “Maybe, someday,” I finally answered. I wasn’t ready for him to read the feelings of pain and love and hope I’d poured into those letters and I might not ever be. “You would have come back for Dylan because I was pregnant. Why wasn’t I enough, Luke?” I blurted. I had to know.

  He shook his head with a determined expression on his face. “That’s not what I meant. You were pregnant. You needed me. You didn’t need some crazy asshole who almost killed you, but you did need the father of your baby to stand by your side. Maybe that would have sunk in and pulled me through faster.”

  I looked away from him, back out the window.

  “Look at me,” he demanded. My eyes hit his, surprised at his assertive tone. “Lily, I won’t leave again. I want to be a part of Dylan’s life. I want to be a part of yours too,” he said with a look that was almost defiant in its intensity. “I have learned why I behaved the way I did. Why I left and stayed gone. I got help. I’m still getting help. I won’t ever hurt Dylan like I hurt you, and I won’t ever hurt you again. I’m sorry, Lily, so sorry.”

>   “I’m not the same girl you used to know, Luke. I’ve changed. I was a wife. I am a mother. I’m a widow, for goodness’ sake. I grew up. When we were together, I was just a girl in love with a boy.” I smiled sadly. “You were my life. I thought we were part of each other, like soul mates or some such nonsense. How lucky we were to have found our other half the second we reached this earth …” I looked out the window again.

  “We could be that lucky again, Lily. I believe it. I want to know you again,” he said and grabbed my hand and held it in both of his.

  I glanced back at him, then quickly away. To look into his eyes would be too risky. I could drown in them if I let myself. “I let all of that go. I don’t want to feel that way ever again. It hurts too much when it goes away. There is no going back.”

  “I don’t want to go back. I want to go forward, with you.” His eyes held such longing. All the feelings we used to share shimmered in his gaze as if time had not left us behind. It felt like we were where we used to be. He reached out to touch my cheek but pulled his hand back at the last second. I felt the warmth of that almost touch and regretted not leaning in to it.

  He gently tugged on my hand forcing my eyes to drift back to his face. “Lily, I don’t know how to be around you, in this place, and not be able to touch you or kiss you. I remember when we used to walk down that path over there.” He pointed to the path that led past the gazebo. “We used to sit behind the old weeping willow tree and make out for hours. I remember taking you to prom right down the street. I remember what we did after too.”

  I glanced at him—just in time to see him wink at me. I quickly looked away.

  “God, Lily, I remember you. Everything we did and all that we meant to each other. Being with you now makes me wish we’d never left. We had everything, and we didn’t even know it. I want to get it back.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m not ready for anything like that,” I whispered.