by Everly, Nora
“She’s been through a lot,” I mused. “Should I back off?”
Cade shook his head. “No, you need each other. Don’t give up again. You should know better by now, right?”
“You’re right. I guess.” This conversation had taken me back to the first day I saw her again when Liam had said similar things. I nodded decisively at Cade. “You’re absolutely right. I won’t give up. Never again.”
“That’s more like it.”
We ate our burgers and talked about innocuous things until his phone pinged with a text from Lily. “Showtime,” he said with a grin. “Go get your girl.”
8
Lily
“Thanks for helping me clean up, Lily.”
I placed the broom back into Violet’s utility closet with a humph. Who knew a bunch of book-clubbing people could be so sloppy? My idea of a classy, intellectual group of readers gathering to discuss literature was forever tainted by Violet’s book club. Sure, they’d discussed books for about half of the meeting, and that was somewhat enriching, but the rest of the time was spent on gossiping and arguing. I loved it, and I was never going to miss a meeting.
“No problem, Vi.”
Violet’s phone pinged with a text message. She looked up at me, then back at her phone. “I’m need you to lock up. Finn needs me. Cade is picking you up, right? Just set the alarm when you leave, okay? Thanks, Lily, you’re a doll.” She tossed me the keys and rushed out the back.
What the heck? “Uh, bye,” I said to the empty store. I took out my phone, sent Cade a text, then I sat at a table by the window to wait. As I stared out at the darkness, a shudder ran through my body. Looking out a window into the dark night was a bad idea. I was not afraid of the dark. I was afraid I would see someone peeking back at me. Which was why when I saw someone walk to the door out of the corner of my eye, I jumped out of my chair and knocked it over as I stood up. I choked back a scream when I saw the knob turn.
Get a grip. It’s just Cade.
I shook it off and quickly unlocked the door and opened it. It was Luke. Fear of a different kind crawled over me. The determined look on his face told me that we were about to get serious. He smiled at me and stepped past me to enter the shop. I guess we weren’t leaving. “Hey, Luke.”
“I saw Cade at Holloway’s. He asked me to pick you up, so he could go home and crash. He has to work early.”
I nodded, but I knew it was more than that. My family was fully aware of my tendency to avoid upsetting anyone, especially myself. It was only a matter of time before they all started interfering. “Okay, should we go? I have to set the alarm.” I started to head for the door.
He caught my hand and tugged gently. I felt that touch, the small pressure of his hand in mine and I felt it everywhere. Removing my hand from his grasp, I faced him.
“Let’s talk first. Please?” He tried to catch my eyes.
But I managed to avoid his gaze. Every time I caught his eyes, I could see things I wasn’t ready to face. “We can talk. For a bit.” I moved across the store and chose a table away from the windows, near the couch in the back.
He sat across from me in a chair. “Why is this so hard?” A sad smile crossed his face, and I felt guilty for making this so hard on him.
“Because it means so much? I haven’t made this easy for you. I’m sorry, Luke.”
“Don’t apologize to me, Lily. I don’t deserve that. This should be hard.” His jaw clenched, as his eyes burned into mine.
I looked down at the table, snatching up a napkin, I twisted it into a nervous spiral. Gah! Wasn’t I supposed to be fearless? “I’ll start.” I looked up to find his eyes on me. “The Luke I grew up with, who I fell in love with, would have talked to me, explained his reasoning. He wouldn’t have abandoned me without a word. Make me understand it, Luke, so I can move on.” There, I’d said it.
“Move on? From me?”
I cringed at the look of sorrow in his eyes. Crap, that didn’t come out right. I grabbed his hand and held it. “No, from the hurt in my heart when I see you. I can’t completely forgive you when it still hurts. Make me understand, so I can bury that pain.”
He closed his eyes as memories washed over his face. “I could have killed you. I still see my hands wrapped around your throat, and I can't wrap my head around how I could have not known it was you.” He opened his eyes to study his hands on the table. I slid my hands over his to encourage him to hold on to me. He turned his hands palms up and linked his fingers with mine. “I still can’t fathom how I could have hurt you, Lily. I was horrified, still am.” He closed his eyes again and let go of my hands, running them through his hair. “I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I love you more than anything in the world. I had to protect you.” He opened his eyes and looked directly into mine. “But I loved you so much that I knew if I saw you again, I would not have the strength to leave you, to end it. I knew that you would want to help me, and I didn’t deserve it. I would give in to anything you wanted if I saw you. So, I was a coward and I didn’t explain. Please believe that I thought I was protecting you, that I would die to protect you. I died inside every day I spent without you,” he finished.
“I shouldn’t have climbed into the hospital bed with you. You didn’t expect to find anyone there.” I refused to let him take all the responsibility for what had happened. While on patrol, his unit fell under heavy fire. Luke took a lot of shrapnel and almost bled out. After Jed got the call, he, my mother, and I flew to Germany to be with him in the hospital. He didn’t expect to find me next to him when he woke up; he attacked me in his sleep.
“That’s no excuse. I had to make sure you were safe,” he insisted.
“So, you just left? How was that better than talking to me? I was alone and scared and in love with you. You broke my heart.”
“I hurt you. Who knows what else I was capable of?” he argued.
He had it all wrong. I had forgiven him for attacking me the moment it happened. Yes, he hurt me physically. But by leaving, he destroyed me. This huge misunderstanding of how I had really been hurt left me incredulous. Did he even have a clue what he did to me? “I tried to get to you when you were still in the hospital and you had me escorted out—crying and humiliated—every single time. So, yeah, you hurt me. We were always there for each other. Then, suddenly, you weren’t there anymore.” I looked away from him. I couldn’t sit there and see the anguish in his eyes anymore. I stood up to pace.
“I was protecting you, from me. Lily, will you look at me?”
I stopped pacing and turned to him.
“I woke up in the hospital, and my hands were wrapped around your throat. Your mom was screaming at me to let go, your face was turning purple, and Jed was pulling me off you. I had no idea where I was, or how you even got there. I went to sleep in a desert and woke up in a hospital, and I was killing you. You. You are what I love most in this world, and I almost killed you. I wanted to be with you more than anything I have ever wanted in my whole entire life, and I kept myself away from you to protect you. That is how much I love you.”
I started to see where he was coming from. I’d understood it on a rational level before, but the pain he’d caused me had clouded my judgment, preventing me from fully appreciating his perspective. My heart broke a little bit more when the pain started to fade away and I got a glimpse of how he must have felt when he’d thought he had no choice but to leave.
“But you were having a nightmare. It wasn’t your fault,” I whispered.
“I thought I was losing my mind. I couldn’t trust myself around you. It was too much of a risk. I didn’t know I had PTSD. I didn’t know about flashback nightmares or any of that. I hurt you. I almost strangled you to death. That’s what I knew. That was all I could think about. How could I have done that? I thought about the future, us married, me killing you in my sleep, killing our kids in a dream. Blood and death. I couldn’t get away …” Tears filled his eyes, and he wiped them away.
I moved to
stand in front of him and grabbed his hands again. “Stop it. I forgive you. I forgive you, and I demand that you stop punishing yourself,” I cried.
“You forgive me for that morning. Do you forgive me for leaving you?” he asked softly.
“I understand it better now. But I still wish you had let me help you.”
“Help me? How? I was terrified of hurting you again. You are so small, Lily. We are lucky that your mom and Jed were there, that they heard it and stopped it. If we had been alone back then, you would be dead. I would have killed you. And, God, I would have killed Dylan. You were pregnant.”
We both paused as the horror of that possibility dawned on us.
“Forgiving you doesn’t mean that I’m ready to—”
“You’re not ready to trust me,” he interrupted.
“I would trust you with my life. With Dylan’s life. But I’m not ready to trust you with my heart. Can you understand that?”
“Can I have a chance to earn that back, Lily? Can I take you out to dinner? Next Friday?”
“Like a date? You’re asking me out?” It seemed funny for him to ask me out. We had been through so much, and a date was such a simple thing.
“Yeah, maybe we could start over.” He smiled.
“Like, start over in the middle.” I laughed.
“Something like that.” He cupped my cheek and wiped away a tear with his thumb. “Everything I’ve ever done is for you,” he murmured.
“Oh, Luke.” I breathed, and without even thinking about it, my body swayed toward his, my arms reached up for him, and like he always used to do, he swept me up and held me close, wrapping me up in his warmth.
“I’ve missed you so much. I thought about you every day,” he whispered into my neck, his beard tickling my skin.
I pulled my head back to see his face. “I missed you too. I tried not to think about you, but I couldn’t stop. I could never stop wondering what you were doing. I want you to read the letters. For a while, I wrote to you whenever I thought about you, so there are a lot.”
Tears sparkled in his eyes as he looked at me. “I want to read them. I want to know about everything I missed.”
I pulled his face closer, pressed my body closer. I felt a peace I hadn’t felt since the last time I was in his arms. His lips brushed my forehead, then each of my cheeks. Once, twice, so soft, so sweet. But I wanted more. I wanted to keep this feeling. At that moment, I wanted it all back.
“I’m not going to kiss you yet, Lily. When I do, it will change everything and you’re not ready.” He put me down. Luke had always been able to read me. “Let’s get you home.”
He held my hand for the entire drive. Relief and a sense that I was finally, truly home filled my heart. He pulled into the driveway and turned to me with a smile.
“Thank you for taking me home, Luke.”
He grinned. “Stay there. I’ll walk you in.” He got out and opened my door. Old Luke was back, or he had always been back, and I was just now allowing myself to notice him. He took my hand and led me to the door.
My dad woke with a start when I opened the front door. “Lily. And Luke.” He seemed pleased to see Luke. “Both kids are out. Calla has been asleep the whole time. That would be a record, right?” I nodded. “Well, then, it looks like my work here is done. Night, Lily-girl. Good night, Luke.” He kissed my cheek, then patted Luke on the shoulder as he walked out.
“Can I check on the kids, tuck Dylan in maybe?” he asked.
I nodded and my heart melted a little bit. But a gooey heart led to a gooey mind, I reminded myself to be careful.
He took off up the stairs after unleashing another grin on me.
Kicking off my shoes, I headed to the kitchen for a drink. Calla’s cries from the baby monitor cemented into my mind my internal warning to be careful and not rush back into love with Luke. But I found myself wavering again when his voice came through the monitor to join her fussing.
“Hey, little princess, can’t sleep anymore?”
Tears filled my eyes, and I gulped down some of my water to stop them from falling. My imagination filled with images of him using that voice on Dylan as a baby and the tears fell freely despite my efforts to abate them.
“You’re a pretty little thing, aren’t you? Beautiful, just like your mama. Are you hungry?” Calla let out a dainty burp and Luke chuckled. “You burp like her, all cute and quiet, like you’re trying to keep it a secret.”
I laughed through my tears as I headed upstairs to feed her, wiping my cheeks on the way. My heart was so warm it was almost on fire. I peeked in the room before I entered because I had to see what it would have looked like for Luke to be holding our baby. I’d imagined it so many times after I had Dylan, what it would have been like if we were a real family. This was as close as I would get to being able to see it. I stood in the doorway unable to process the emotions that ran through me like wildfire. Luke cradled Calla against his broad chest, gently rubbing her back.
I wanted to freeze this moment so I could remember it forever. I also wanted to escape it. My two lives had collided in such a way that I was euphoric at the sight of Luke holding Calla and stricken with guilt that Will had had to die in order for me to have it. I stopped trying to reconcile my conflicting feelings as I entered the room.
“I think she needs to eat,” I whispered. When I met Luke’s eyes I froze at the anguish in his expression.
“Lily, she’s beautiful. And I’m so sorry.”
Overwhelmed, I couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped. Luke passed Calla to me as I sat in the rocking chair in the corner. I pulled down my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra to bring her to my breast.
Luke watched me intently. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that let me know that he was seeing everything he’d missed out on. Little moments, things that lucky people took for granted that really meant everything. Sorrow suffused his expression. “Will this always be between us?” he asked as he stood in the doorway, half in and half out of the room.
Why did I feel like he wanted to get away?
“I don’t think so. It’s all new, and we’re moving too fast. But there will always be new memories to make, Luke.” I was struck by how similar this was to what I’d told Dylan the other day. I wished I believed it. Maybe I could if this cloud of sorrow would go away.
As if he could sense my doubts, he said, “Lily, I’m going home. Sweet dreams. I’ll let myself out.”
Luke
I rushed down the stairs and out of the front door, locking it behind me. I had to get out of there before Lily saw me break down. I had no right to be this upset. I chose this. I’d missed her pregnancy, Dylan’s birth. I’d never seen Dylan as a baby. I’d been there for none of it due to my stupid choices. As I turned from the door, I saw Ben, Lily’s dad, leaning against the side of his truck.
“I thought I’d wait for you and make sure you’re okay.” He studied my face. “I knew it would hit you.”
I blinked a few times, not wanting to cry in front of him. I didn’t want to cry at all, but grief for the past I’d lost burned a hole in my heart. I pressed my palms into my eyes and nodded. I got a handle on it and met his eyes. “How do I fix this, Ben?”
“Do what you’ve been doing—be there for them and don’t leave. There will be times like this that burn. There is no way to go back in this life, you can only go forward. And maybe next time, you talk to Lily about this instead of me.” He gave me a look. “Not that it’s wrong to talk to me, but you two need to communicate. Honesty—it’s the key—I always say it. Occasionally, it sinks in.” He grinned and slapped me on the shoulder before pulling me in for a quick hug. “I’m glad you’re back, Luke. I’ve told you that and I meant it. Go home and get some rest. Back at it tomorrow, okay?”
I nodded, and he got into his truck and took off.
I crossed the driveway to my own truck and got inside. I looked up at the lights in the windows and wished that I was in there, participating in it. Instead of sitting
outside in the dark. I started the truck and pulled away.
9
Luke
“It should have been you, Luke.”
I woke up to words I hadn’t heard since I was eighteen ringing in my ears, left over from my dream. I’d joined the Army to get away from my father. I hadn’t heard his shit for years, but ever since I’d come back here, I heard it … It should have been you. He hadn’t wanted me, my mom had. After she died, he quit pretending.
I rolled over in bed and blinked at Rocky’s face hovering above mine, his hot breath tickled my cheeks as he barked gently and nudged my face with his cold nose. I hugged him around his neck, and he settled down along my side to rest his head on my chest. He watched me closely as I scratched behind his ears. Rocky had flunked out of all of Jed’s service dog programs, but he was perfect for me. We were both a couple of rejects.
“Ready for breakfast?” He shot up and started hopping around and wagging his tail. I laughed as I stood up and stretched, being careful of my stiff back and shoulders. I might never regain one hundred percent of my flexibility, and that was hard to accept. Even so, I was one of the lucky ones. I opened the door and headed downstairs to the kitchen with Rocky hot on my heels. I let him outside and placed his food dish next to the open sliding door.
I headed upstairs to start the day. After I showered, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I looked rough—crazy hair and out of control beard. After my injury I had stopped caring about a lot of things. For a while, I didn’t even care if I got better or not. I dug under the counter and found a bunch of clippers and razors and fancy beard maintenance crap my dad had always used. He had always been very vain and fastidious about his appearance. I was not vain, and I was a long way from fastidious, but I should stop being a total slob. Just a trim, I decided.
If Lily could see my face, she might miss it more. It was weird to think about her again with any sort of hope. I had spent so many years trying not to think about her at all. Too many years just trying to not die, without really living.
