The next two attendees seated at the table certainly didn’t need any introduction. The one with the red skin, horns, and little goatee beard was obviously Bill’s Father. Lucifer rose as we approached, hugged Bill, and nodded at me.
“Good to see you, son,” he said in an accent that Bill had already placed as Texan.
“Hi, Dad,” said Bill, sounding like a schoolboy who had been kissed and hugged by his Mother in front of his friends. Lucifer looked pleased.
“Look at my boy,” he boasted to the seated ensemble, “a chip off the old block if I do say myself.” He playfully ruffled Bill’s slicked back hair, which, due to the amount of gel on it, made it stand up like porcupines.
I personally could see no family resemblance whatsoever, and I doubted the others in the room could either, but out of politeness, everyone implied they could see Bill was exactly like his father. Lucifer, or Satan as he liked to be called, gave me a nod and offered his hand.
“Lucifer,” he announced, “but I prefer Satan,” he said as we shook hands. “So what do you think of my boy?” he asked, still holding onto Bill’s shoulder with the hand I didn’t shake. “Ain’t he something?” I agreed that Bill was indeed something. “We’ll chat later, son,” said Satan as he finally released his grip on Bill’s shoulder and returned to his seat; he flashed me a smile and raised his hand “Good to meet you.” God led Bill and I to the final occupied chair.
“I think it is about time you met your brother,” said God.
“Half-brother,” I reminded.
“To be decided,” said Jesus as he rose from his seat.
CHAPTER
33
JESUS WAS AS I HAD always imagined; well, facially anyway. He had long hair and a beard. His complexion was swarthy, and I could see that in his day, many would have considered him an attractive man. He was dressed as though he had just flown in from the beach. He wore flared jeans and a white, baggy T-shirt; on his feet he wore flip-flops. He was, for all intents and purposes, the original hippy, and would not have looked out of place at Woodstock. He, unlike the other occupants of the great hall, was not smiling. I took his reluctantly outstretched hand.
“No holes,” I said jokingly.
“What?” said Jesus, a stern look on his face.
“Your hands, you know, the crucifixion, the nails…there’s no holes in them,” I said gesturing to his palms, prodding my finger into the center of his hand. It was a silly joke, and considering the tension that already existed between us, in retrospect it was probably not apt. I remembered Harvey’s warning of not “jiving” up here.
“Oh, goody gumdrops,” exclaimed God cheerfully, “glad to see you two are getting along.” He put one arm around my shoulder and the other around Jesus’s. Jesus didn’t say anything, just looked me up and down with a look that I would describe as contempt, and took his seat. He gave a quick nod of his head in the direction of Bill as a halfhearted greeting. It was obvious he didn’t like me. Lucifer, meanwhile, had risen from his seat and was going around the table, like any proud father, showing off Bill to the rest of the group. I took my allotted seat as indicated by God, which was in between Gandhi and Saint Peter and directly opposite Jesus. Jesus eyed me suspiciously as he fiddled with his pen. I smiled at him, but he did not return my smile.
Once Lucifer had stopped showing off Bill, and they had taken their respective seats, God took his chair which was bigger than the rest. With his big smile spread across his mouth, he tapped a pencil on a glass in front of him to indicate he had opened the proceedings. All heads turned toward God and any chatter immediately ceased. He stood to address the table.
“Well, as you all know, the last few weeks, especially the last few days, have been very trying indeed.” He had both hands on the table, and he leaned forward, his head going around the table as if addressing everyone individually. “You have all met Bill and Seth.” He looked first at Bill, then me, “and I am honored to have them here.” There were murmurs of “here, here” from various places around the table. I noticed that Jesus was not one of those agreeing with God. “Of course, there is a reason for their presence at HQ today, and indeed, the presence of our old friend and dare I say ‘nemesis,’ Lucifer, who….” God drew his finger toward his chin and tapped it as if thinking, “now when it was it….” God pondered, “ah yes, who hasn’t been here for over fifty thousand years, isn’t it?” Satan smiled. It seemed he didn’t mind God calling him Lucifer, but I doubted he would allow anyone else to call him it.
“Fifty-two,” he corrected, raising his hand.
“Fifty-two!” shouted God, “It seems like yesterday.” A few around the table, including Lucifer, laughed at God’s words. Lucifer hadn’t been back to HQ since he fell from grace and started up his own “franchise.”
“Well, welcome back!” said God to Lucifer. “It’s good to have you here.”
As I had already gathered, God and Lucifer did spend time together but always on neutral ground. They seemed very friendly, and God was obviously delighted to have his old angel back in Heaven, if only for this extraordinary meeting. It was obvious to anyone that Lucifer still held God in high regard, and it seemed they had put their differences behind them regarding Bill’s abandonment and God’s extended travel plans thirty-two years before.
“I will now bring you all up to date on the full events leading up to today’s ‘pow-wow.’” God shuffled some papers laid on the table in front him and consulted what I assumed were prepared notes. I hoped whoever had prepared his notes was competent; I had heard so many horror stories about the admin department in Heaven, I feared that some inexperienced flunky might have passed God the wrong paperwork. I imagined he had plans for the building of an ark or how to slay a giant with a stone laid out in front of him. He produced from nowhere a pair of reading glasses, which he perched on his nose. Luckily, the notes were the correct ones. God cleared his throat before speaking.
“Originally, when the chapter Revelation had been written and included in the Bible, it seems I approved the final draft for publication without reading the whole thing through thoroughly.” God raised both his hands, admitting it was his mistake. “I hold my hands up to that! It was my fault and my responsibility to double check its contents, and I apologize for my tardiness.”
There were murmurs of “no, no,” and “not at all,” from his forgiving audience. But God waved them away. “No, it was down to me; I should have read it.” He dropped his hands and continued to speak; as he spoke, he occasionally referred to his notes. “So, it appears that for nearly two thousand years, man has been expecting some sort of final conflict and ultimate battle to determine the end of the world. This battle is to be fought between our good friend Lucifer and his agent on Earth, and the ‘lamb.’” He pointed toward me, toward Bill, and then Lucifer.
“This final battle was scheduled to close to the year two thousand, as not to disappoint the millions of souls who were expecting this final battle and end of days. Lucifer and I agreed we would both delegate two champions to fight on our behalf. In 1966, we found suitable mothers for these humans, and our two sons were born.” Again he gestured to Bill and me. “Some of you may recall that back then, there was some discussion as to why I had not chosen Jesus to return to Earth, as many were expecting a second coming and the return of Jesus.”
I glanced across at Jesus, who nodded to himself as if to say “yes, why not?” He saw me looking and once again, he gave me a look of utter contempt. I smiled weakly at him, but he shook his head and turned his attention back to God.
“I did consider this option,” continued God “and, in fact, it was my first option and for a long time my favored option.” Jesus looked at God as if surprised by the announcement. It appeared that this was news to him. “After much deliberation, however, I felt there were a number of reasons I should not send Jesus back to Earth. My first reasoning was that we would have an unfair advantage in the battle against Lucifer and his son, commonly known as the ‘Beast.�
��” Lucifer shuddered at the mention of the word. God, I saw, noticed this, and improvised, “or the anti-Christ.” Lucifer smiled and acknowledged God’s words with a friendly nod. God returned to his prepared speech.
“Seeing as Jesus already had a large fan base and would have had vastly more experience than Lucifer’s son, who I shall refer to now as the anti-Christ, I felt that by returning Jesus to Earth, it would have been a little unfair and not quite cricket.” There were murmurings around the table. It seemed the rest of the committee was not aware of God’s reasons for not returning Jesus to Earth. I was a little confused as to what “cricket” was. Later, Bob advised me it was a game that the English based on baseball though I wasn’t sure where he had gotten that fact.
“I know, I know,” said God, once more raising his hands. “I should have made my reasoning clearer at the time, but that was not the only reason I felt a new face was needed down on Earth.” God turned toward Jesus and looked at him with love and affection in his eyes. “Son, you had been through so much the first time. I didn’t want you to go through it again. It was tough on you, and I thought it would be even tougher this time around. Things changed down there, and you had already done so much for the cause; it hardly seemed right sending you back. I felt you deserved your rest and your retirement.” I looked across at Jesus, and I could see he was touched by what God had said.
“I know you were bitterly disappointed at the time, son, and rightly so,” he said directly to Jesus, “but I felt I was doing the right thing by not just you, but by everyone. I was killing two birds with one stone, and I was hopefully ensuring your retirement remained peaceful and uneventful. I was trying to make it a fair fight for the souls on Earth.”
Lucifer too was becoming emotional; he wiped a tear from his eye. I wondered if he had known that God had done the most honorable thing he could as to ensure that Lucifer’s son would not be too heavily outnumbered. There were more murmurings from the table, but I got the feeling they were murmurings of understanding. It also seemed that Jesus understood his Father’s reasoning, as his features softened and there was a new glow about him. He glanced at me and saw I watched him. He smiled gently at me and nodded. It seemed my brother had made peace with me. God continued to speak.
“However,” he announced, “after finally reading Revelation once it had hit the streets, so to speak, I realized it was not what I had intended for neither the earth nor mankind. So I took it upon myself to contact my old friend, Lucifer.” God indicated Lucifer, “I suggested that Revelation was more dramatic than it needed to be. I found all the violence and destruction rather too much. Lucifer agreed with me that the pain and suffering that would entail would be, above all things, a significant drain on both our resources. The destruction of the planet and the melting of eyes from sockets was really, well, unnecessary. The last thing I wanted was a barren wasteland to have to rebuild on. We, therefore, agreed upon a far more civilized way of settling the prophecy outlined in Revelation. In 1976, when we discussed this subject, a new craze was emerging on Earth: video games.” God looked around the table as if he were a professor passing on important and previously unheard of information to a class full of pupils.
“These things seemed liked an ideal way of settling differences. No one got hurt, and no damage was done to the environment or planet as a result. We agreed that this was an ideal way to execute the final conflict. It would take the form of a video game contest.” God paused and took a sip of water from the glass on the table in front of him.
“As it was written and prophesied, the Messiah, or Seth, as he is known, would prevail, the battle was meant to be a token gesture, as not to disappoint the ‘fans’ or the traditionalists down on Earth.” Lucifer nodded his agreement as if acknowledging he recalled the agreement and that what God said was indeed an accurate recollection of the facts.
“As I knew I had upset and disappointed Jesus, I gave him the important task of ensuring that the mother of my second child was a virgin and stayed a virgin until conception. Unfortunately, and again, I am as much to blame as anyone for this; it seems there is doubt about the parentage of the Christ. Seth over there,” God pointed to me. “There occurred, as you are all well aware, an unreported ‘Code Dave.’” God sighed slightly when he mentioned the dreaded ‘Code Dave.’ He flicked over the paper he was reading from and continued.
“Now, somewhere along the track, my old friend Lucifer and I lost sight of things on Earth for a while. I encouraged him to join me on a trip around the Universe to help me develop other planets for possible future projects. Well, as the committee well knows, this trip became longer than expected. We found a lovely little spot that we simply could not tear ourselves away from. Or should I say, I couldn’t tear myself away from. Lucifer, the old softy, kept on at me about our parenting responsibilities and how we should return to Earth. He badgered me every day; of course, rule number 123.3AV states that poor old Lucifer cannot be left to his own devices on Earth in my absence. Therefore, he had no choice but to stay with me. I suppose I could be described as being self-centered and self-absorbed with the whole traveling the Universe thing. I was having a great time, and being able to relax after thousands of years of creating made me complacent.” God once again raised his hands in his way of admitting responsibility. I looked around the table for any reaction to this admission of guilt, but it seemed his confession was enough to appease the committee, as there were no murmurings.
“I can understand your resentment toward me,” said God as he turned to face me. “I was indeed an absentee father; I should have been there for you and should have guided you, taught you, and helped you prepare for what I expected you to do.” God shifted his gaze to Bill.
“Also I apologize to you too, Bill.” Bill shifted uneasily in his chair. “It was my fault you father wasn’t around for you. You shouldn’t blame him one bit; I assure you he wanted nothing more than to be with you and watch you grow.” Bill nodded that he accepted God’s apology. God then turned to Lucifer.
“I also understand why my old sparring partner, Lucifer decided he would not adhere to the rules and the prophecy by attempting to win the final conflict and claiming, by default, the rights to the earth and all souls contained therein. Any loving father would have done the same, and I admit, I did feel uneasy about condemning the loser of the final conflict to the pit.” Lucifer looked a little sheepish, and I thought he might have been blushing. He raised his left hand as if admitting his underhandedness. God turned over another sheet of paper and again coughed to clear his throat.
“This brings us to today,” he looked around the table, “first of all, there is the immediate question of Seth’s paternity and whether I am his real father.” I shifted in my chair. “Well, unfortunately, we have no way of determining whether I am his real father or not.” This surprised me. I listened as God explained.
“Due to the fact I made man in my own image, any DNA test would match. My DNA matches everyone’s on Earth; it’s a flaw, but something we are working on for the future.” Unfortunately, it seemed I would never know for sure if my father was my Uncle Jacob or God. I hoped it was God. “I have come up with a proposal and solution to this whole business, which has been a cock up from the start.” I glanced at Bill, who glanced back at me. Was this a way out for us?
“I propose that we postpone the battle for Earth and Armageddon for a period of one hundred years.” There were murmurings again, and God raised his hands, asking for calm. “I know this is a bit of a letdown for some of you, but hear me out, please,” said God to the assembled table. “I propose we delay the battle for one hundred years, and my representative in this postponed battle be none other than Jesus Christ. He will be resurrected and shall descend onto the earth as expected by his followers.” Jesus beamed with pride. Saint Peter, who sat next to Jesus, patted him on the back in a gesture of congratulations. God turned to directly face Lucifer.
“To compensate you for this change of plan and for all my other
mistakes, I will allow you to have your own representative in this delayed battle at liberty without infringement on Earth, which, if you think about it, means you have one hundred years of unchallenged and unmonitored evil-doing. What do you say, old pal?” Lucifer turned to Bill and then turned back to God.
“Before I agree or disagree, could I be permitted to speak with my son in private for a moment?” requested Lucifer in his Texan drawl.
“Of course,” said God. Lucifer rose from his seat and motioned for Bill to join him. Out of earshot from the rest of the table, Lucifer and Bill conversed. Lucifer did most of the talking, and Bill did most of the listening. After five minutes, Lucifer patted Bill on the back and hugged him. They then both returned to the table.
“Okay,” said Lucifer as he retook his seat, “I have spoken to Bill, and he is in agreement with this. I have another candidate, currently on Earth, who though not actually a blood relative, is doing an excellent impersonation of the anti-Christ. I propose that this individual be my new representative on Earth and, when the time comes, he shall represent me in the battle of Armageddon.” Once again, there were murmurings from the table. God raised his arms to quell the chatter.
“Who is this person?” asked God. Lucifer leaned over to God’s notes and, with a pencil, scribbled onto the paper. God raised his eyebrows as if he knew the name Lucifer had penned. “Oh, him,” said God and he passed the document with the scribbled name along the table. Each committee member nodded their agreement. But before the paper reached either Bill or I, God snatched it back.
“Sorry,” he said, “but I don’t think you need to know this information just yet. But I am sure you will figure it out eventually,” I agreed, as did Bill, that we didn’t want to know who the new anti-Christ was going to be. God once again turned to face Lucifer.
The Reluctant Jesus: A Satirical Dark Comedy Page 27
