Her chest squeezed. “Oh?”
“I wanted to see how you were. I’ve been praying for you, just thought I’d follow up.”
Her hopes—which she knew she shouldn’t bother raising in the first place—were dashed yet again. I knew I was just a project. “Yeah, I’m doing great. I’m moving in with Jack in the next few days. Stopped drinking to see if it helps my mood. Life is peachy.”
He was silent for a moment, then spoke with a voice tinged with a quality she couldn’t identify. “Moving in with Jack—that’s quite a step.”
“Well, you know, commitment and all that. Plus Daphne’s gone off the deep end, and I can’t take living with her anymore. I have to get out of there, and where else was I going to go? Seemed like a reasonable decision.”
“That doesn’t seem like the kind of step you should take out of desperation. I’ll bet you could find a, um, more neutral place to live if you tried.”
She snorted. “Yeah, like I’m in the frame of mind to move in with a stranger.”
“Leah’s got a room open.”
“She does?”
“Aye, one of her roommates just moved out.”
No. It’s too late. What would you tell Jack? “That’s nice, but I wouldn’t want to live with Leah—and I doubt she’d want me to live with her.”
“Do you love him?”
The question made her heart jump. “Jack? Sure, of course.” But to her own ears she knew how false the words sounded, and she knew they wouldn’t sound any better to him. Forthcoming, remember? “Well … okay, I don’t know that I love him. But he’s a really good guy—a lot better than my ‘Christian’ fiancé—and he cares about me. I’m lucky to have him. And given how cursed I seem to be when it comes to relationships, I’m not going to leave one that seems to be working without a really, really good reason.”
Blinding headlights bounced into view as the city bus turned a corner at the end of the block. Relief flooded through her. “Here’s the bus. Thanks for waiting with me.”
“I’ll come with so I can see you home.”
“Declan, you don’t—”
“I will whether you want me to or not.” He grinned, though it was brittle, and she saw sadness in his eyes.
They rode in silence for the short drive. When they stepped off at her stop he folded her arm through his as he walked her to the house. She hated herself for letting him do it, but wasn’t willing to stop him, either.
She stopped in front of the Victorian. “This is it, up the stairs there.” She gently pulled her arm from his. “Thanks for walking me home. That was really sweet.”
“You’re not home yet.” He ushered her up the steps and she hoped Daphne wouldn’t be there to further complicate things.
She unlocked the door and flicked on the lamp near the door. The apartment was blessedly silent. “I am now. Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome, Rachel.” He dropped his eyes, focusing on the space between them. “Listen, I won’t bother you anymore, since it seems that things with Jack are, um … serious. But I want you to know that he’s not your only choice.” He glanced up and gave her a small smile. “I hope you’ll let me know if things don’t work out.”
“Oh.” She was stunned. “Declan … I didn’t know.”
“Does it change anything?”
“Actually, yes, it does,” she said, deciding to tell the truth. She gave way to a genuine smile, and realized he was the only person who made her truly happy these days. “It changes everything.”
Declan pulled her close and kissed her. She returned the kiss without reservation, pulling him into the apartment and shutting the door. She felt as though her mind and body were detached from each other, that her hands were moving on their own and her mind was floating somewhere outside of her, blissful and abandoned to whatever the next minutes might bring. Until suddenly Declan stumbled back and raised his hands in defense.
“Oh, God—what am I doing? Rachel, I’m so sorry. I—God forgive me, I’m so sorry.”
“Declan, it’s okay—”
“No, it’s not, Rachel. I can’t believe I let myself—I mean, you’re with Jack, I can’t just—”
“Yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t, Rachel. I meant no disrespect.” He inhaled deeply, shaking his head. “I’m sorry, Rachel. I—I won’t come ’round again.” And before she could summon the words to convince him to stay, he was gone.
Chapter 19
Something snapped.
Maybe it was the whiplash between finally feeling happy and then having it ripped away, or the tremendous guilt she felt when she realized how easy it had been to kiss Declan. Maybe it was seeing yet another relationship turn to ash, or realizing she would have to break Jack’s heart in order to soothe her own. Whatever it was, something inside her finally broke, and she knew of only one thing that could fix it.
She didn’t wait to see if three—or four, or five—swallows of Vodka were enough to do the trick. She merely drank from the bottle as if it were prescribed medicine.
When she woke in the morning to the buzz of her cell phone, the pain in her head was almost too much to bear. Unable to stand the sunlight, she groped the nightstand with her eyes closed until she finally found the phone.
“Rachel, you’re an hour late. You all right?”
When she answered, her voice was thick. “I … um … my alarm didn’t go—”
“Rachel.” Ruby Jean’s tone told her not to bother trying to lie. “You’re hung over.”
She barely managed a whisper when she answered yes.
“I’ll give you another hour to get here. If you don’t work today, we may need to discuss a demotion. I need to be able to count on you.”
Rachel nodded. “Okay.” She pushed herself upright and the whole room swayed, making her stomach lurch. She pushed through the nausea and the pain in her head to change shirts and pull her hair back into a ponytail. She swallowed a couple aspirin and forced herself to drink a glass of juice as well. It was a long trek to the front door. She had trouble tying her shoes.
Despite the clouds that obscured most of the sky, she donned sunglasses to shield her eyes from what felt like a blinding summer sun, then took slow steps down the staircase to the sidewalk.
How would she make it through the day?
How could she have been so stupid?
And if Jack found out …
When she arrived at the café, she slunk in the employee entrance and realized she’d forgotten her apron. I am totally going to lose this job. She took a few deep breaths and stood as straight as possible, then went into the office to get another apron.
Ruby Jean was there. She put down her pen when Rachel walked in. “I’m sorry,” Rachel began before Ruby Jean had a chance to start in on her. “I screwed up again—I know it. But I’m going to be fine today, and it won’t happen again, I promise.”
Ruby Jean nodded slowly. “I’m glad to hear it, although that’s what you said the last time.”
Rachel’s head bowed. She couldn’t look Ruby Jean in the eyes.
“Rachel, listen.” Ruby Jean’s voice was kind, which somehow made Rachel feel even worse. “I’m your friend. And I’m willing to keep you on staff, okay? You’re going through a lot, and I understand that. I want to work with you, help you get things sorted out, and I’m not going to write you off just because you make a mistake or two. Three, however, and we may have to renegotiate your job description.”
Rachel looked up, confused. “I thought you said if I didn’t work today—”
“Yes, I know—that was maybe a bit hasty. I apologize. I should have thought longer before making that statement. Your job is still safe, for now. I’m having a hard time giving up on you because you’ve got so much potential, and not just as a coffee shop manager.” She gave Rachel a smile, then nodded to the door. “Check and see what it’s like out there. If they don’t need you, then come back here and start the reviews.”
Rachel nodded and left,
shutting the door behind her and sagging against it in relief. The aspirin had begun to take effect, and while her stomach was still a mess, her head wasn’t pounding as hard as it had been. I can do this.
The second Rachel was able to take her first break, she went outside. The shift had been painful—the most menial tasks took far too much effort and she felt clumsier than ever. She hoped the cold air would help somehow, but a light rain had begun to fall, and the small overhang above the door wasn’t enough to protect her. She was about to go in when Jack pulled into the parking lot.
Oh no.
There was no point running inside now; he’d just come looking for her. Might as well face him with no one else around.
“Hey, babe,” he said. His smile faded as he saw her face. “What’s the matter? You look sick.”
Her hope was renewed. Maybe he won’t find out. She opened the door and they escaped the rain. “Yeah—I’m not feeling well.”
“Why are you here then?”
“I had to come in. I didn’t have a choice.”
“That sucks. I’m so sorry.” He rubbed her arm, then stepped back, anger seeping into his expression. “I smell alcohol.”
“What? You do?”
He shook his head. “Don’t lie to me.”
What could she say? There were no words to cover for her actions, no way to make up for how her body had betrayed her. So she said nothing and waited for the ax to fall.
But Jack didn’t say anything. He just took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack, then walked past her toward the front to start his shift.
She stood, waiting to see if he would come back, then went back into the office. No point sitting around awaiting the inevitable. Might as well try to get some work done.
Somehow she made it through the day. The last four hours she’d managed to actually work, though she still had not accomplished nearly as much as she should have. She snuck three folders of work she wasn’t able to get done on the clock under her sweater, tucking them into the waist of her jeans, then quickly put her coat on and buttoned it to conceal them. “I’m going now, Ruby Jean. Thanks again for extending me some grace.”
“You’re welcome, Rachel. See you tomorrow.”
Bracing herself for the rain, she snuck out the back door without saying goodbye to anyone.
The rain was falling hard now. She pulled her baseball cap low on her head and turned up the collar of her coat, then stepped out from under the awning and began the walk home.
She was almost down the block when a car honked. She looked up and saw Jack pulled over on the other side of the street. He motioned for her to come to the truck. She froze on the sidewalk, unsure if she understood his gestures correctly. Finally he rolled down the window and shouted, “Let me drive you home.”
The folders jabbed her when she slid into the cab. “Thanks,” she said, avoiding eye contact.
“You’re welcome.” His voice was grim. He pulled away from the curb and they drove in awkward silence. She knew she should apologize, but the words were so inadequate she was afraid he’d be insulted. She searched for the right thing to say but had found nothing suitable by the time they reached the apartment. Jack pulled over, then said “wait” when she unlocked her door.
“I’ve been trying to figure out all day what to do. I’m so worried about you, babe. You couldn’t even make it forty-eight hours without a drink?”
“It’s not that easy,” she said, her voice weak.
“It should be for someone who drinks just because she ‘likes the taste.’” He made a noise of disgust. “Admit it, Rachel—you’ve got an addiction.”
“I’ve barely been drinking for six months—”
“Obviously that was plenty of time for you to get hooked.”
She said nothing. He sighed and continued. “Look. I don’t want to see you ruin your life, but I also don’t want my life ruined in the process. I think, out of self-preservation, I need to back out of this relationship. Maybe once you get yourself straightened out we can give it another shot. But until then, I just don’t think I can keep doing this.”
A lump formed in her throat, but not because he was breaking up with her. She just felt bad for having hurt him. She nodded, eyes down, so he knew she heard and understood, then opened the door and slid out without saying good-bye.
As she went carefully up the stairs, trying not to slip on their slick surfaces, she felt at least one of her burdens take flight and leave. She didn’t have to move in with Jack. She didn’t have to worry anymore about how they’d break up, or about staying with him when she knew their relationship was doomed. Despite the circumstances, she was smiling.
Her smile didn’t last long, however. She walked in to the apartment just as a man she’d never seen came out of Daphne’s room, zipping his fly. He saw Rachel and froze for a second, then gave her a brief nod as he grabbed a jacket from the back of the sofa and pulled it on as he walked out the door.
“Daphne?” she said. She went to her room, afraid of what she might find, but was met with a scantily clad Daphne lighting a cigarette. “Who was that? Are you all right?”
“That was Shane, and I’m fine.”
“New boyfriend?”
“Not my boyfriend, and none of your business.”
“Come on, Daph—”
“Drop it, Rachel.” Daphne waved a finger toward the door.
“I can’t just drop it. I’m worried about you. I never thought you were that kind of person.”
“What kind of person? The kind that isn’t afraid to grab some fun when she finds it?”
“There’s fun and there’s seriously risky behavior. Sleeping with some guy you’re not even dating doesn’t qualify as fun.”
“Maybe not in your world. And if you’re going to pull some maternal lecture thing here, I’d rather not have you in my world.” Daphne blew smoke in Rachel’s face. “Get out.”
Coughing, Rachel backed out of the cloud and into the hallway. “Geez, Daphne, what are you, in junior high?”
Daphne said nothing and shut the door before Rachel recovered.
Oh no you don’t. Rachel let herself back in, wedging her foot against the door so Daphne couldn’t muscle it closed. “Hey, quick question. Why have you been stealing my mom’s checks?”
“Whatever.” But the look in her eyes told Rachel Daphne knew she’d been caught.
“I can’t believe you’d stoop that low. Stealing from a friend—”
“You are no friend of mine.” Daphne yanked the door fully open and shoved her way out of the room past Rachel. Rachel followed her into the living room, not ready to give up.
“No friend of yours? Where did that come from?”
Daphne seemed possessed. She kept scraping her nails up her arm, leaving angry red tracks on her pale skin. She was sucking on her cigarette like it was oxygen underwater. She was pacing around the room like a caged animal. Rachel’s concern ratcheted up to serious worry.
“You’ve been a bad-luck charm ever since you moved in here. You’re sucking my life dry! Paul broke up with me, I lost my job—”
“You quit your job—didn’t you?”
“—you stole my money—”
“I did not!”
Daphne flung open the door as she ranted and grabbed a handful of Rachel’s jacket in her hand. Shoving her outside, she continued to hurl accusations. “You jinxed me. Your own life sucked so bad you had to curse mine.”
“Daphne, let go!” Being taken by surprise left Rachel at a disadvantage. She stumbled back under Daphne’s manic strength and fell back against the railing of the porch. Pain radiated from the spot where the wooden railing’s edge had caught her back.
Daphne grabbed fistfuls of Rachel’s jacket and yanked her forward. “Get out of my life!” She tried to throw Rachel down the stairs, but Rachel grabbed the railing with one hand to steady herself and then instinctively struck out with her other fist.
It was a weak punch, but she caught Daphne in
the stomach with enough force to take her by surprise. Daphne let go of Rachel’s coat, and Rachel shoved her aside and headed back into the house.
But the push sent Daphne off-balance. She staggered back against the end corner of the hand rail that was mounted to the side of the house, then shrieked in pain as she twisted away, her feet slipping on the wet steps and sliding out from under her. Rachel lunged to grab her, but the thin camisole that was her entire outfit was plastered to her body. There was nothing for Rachel to grab. She screamed as Daphne tumbled down the stairs and finally lay still on the sidewalk.
o
Déjà vu.
Rachel sat in a hard plastic chair in the University of Chicago Hospital ER, waiting for someone to bring her some news. The parts of her not covered by her coat were soaked from standing in the rain waiting for the EMTs and police, and the parts of her under the coat—including the folders which were still beneath her sweater—were damp with sweat and fear. Every once in a while her body would give a violent shudder. She wanted a drink so badly she could taste it.
A nurse walked by, and Rachel jumped to her feet. “Excuse me!” The nurse turned and a thin ray of hope lit in Rachel’s chest as she recognized her. “Can you please help me? I’m here with my friend—I was here with her a month ago when she had alcohol poisoning.” Rachel lowered her voice. “You told me what was going on with her even though I wasn’t family, because she basically doesn’t have any family. Do you remember?”
The nurse stared at her a moment, then nodded. “She’s back in? Alcohol again?”
Rachel shook her head. “No. She fell down the stairs.”
She looked Rachel up and down. “You want some coffee? You’re gonna catch pneumonia, dripping like that.”
“Sure, thanks. But I really just want to know what’s going on with Daphne.”
The nurse gave Rachel the same look she’d given her the last time she’d had to plead with her for information. “Take a seat. I’ll see what I can do.”
“Thank you so much.” She went back to her seat, marked with a giant puddle, and tried to be patient.
Reinventing Rachel Page 24
