by Linda Bridey
“Well, anyone who could sleep with my mother has a lot of courage,” Rick said. “So talking to me should be easy.”
Geoff laughed loudly at that and several people turned their heads their way.
“It’s true, Dad. She was a real piece of work, but I’m not going to go into that. So now that we’re sitting here conversing like real people, are you going to stay away?” Rick asked. Hope rose inside his chest, but he tried not to get carried away.
“And miss more of your witty remarks? No, I think not, Rick,” Geoff said with a smile at his son.
Rick had to turn his head and blink away tears as another tiny rip in his heart healed. “Good. So, how about we have brunch on Sunday? I’ll bring Gina and the kids so you can meet them.”
Geoff thought about it and saw how wrong he’d been all this time. It was time to do the right thing by all of his children. “Yes. I’ll let Maureen know. Same time as always. Congratulations on your engagement.”
“Thank you. Well, I have to get my drugs and get back to work,” Rick said as he stood up. “See you on Sunday, Dad. Tell Mom that I expect her to have Cook make my favorite scones.” Rick clapped his father on the shoulder and walked down the hallway to the office.
Geoff stared after him. “Drugs? Mom?”
Panic held Rick in its grip as he sat in the office staring at Marcus. “What do you mean you’re out of it?”
“The shipment was supposed to be here two days ago, but they’ve had storms out that way from what we can gather. The weather is preventing it from getting here,” Marcus said. “I don’t know when it’ll get here.”
“You can’t get it from someone else?”
“The other supplier is even farther away. I checked. Are you completely out?” Marcus asked.
“Almost. That’s why I came today so that I didn’t run out. I’ve only been taking the prescribed amount,” Rick said.
“Ok. Cut it in half and hopefully the shipment will get here in the next couple of days. Do you still have the cannabis?”
“Yeah.”
Marcus said, “If you run out before the shipment gets here, take those. Um… I do need to warn you about the possibility of going through withdrawal.”
Rick closed his eyes and said, “You’re just a ray of sunshine today, doc.”
Marcus’ smile was wry. “I know. I would have had some, but we’ve had a rush of severe injuries lately, which have used up a lot of our supplies, not just laudanum. I’ll let you know as soon as it gets here.”
“Ok. It’s not your fault. One day at a time,” Rick said.
Marcus nodded as his brother-in-law left.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Gina watched Rick pace and pace. There wasn’t much she could do for him that hadn’t already been done. He’d been without laudanum for two days and was in a bad way. He wasn’t sleeping and barely ate. This would be the third night he’d be without the drug. Somehow he’d made it through work that day. Gina thought it must have taken every ounce of mental strength he had to do it.
Thankfully, it was Monday and he didn’t have to work at the Watering Hole since they closed early Mondays. He’d come over to the Dwyers’ and visited with the kids for a while, but when he’d started feeling sick to his stomach, he’d announced that it was time to go home. Lacey had told Gina to go with him, that they would take care of the kids.
She hadn’t argued. Now, as Rick paced through the entire downstairs of his house, she was glad she’d come with him. She’d had him drink some willow bark tea and he’d taken one of the cannabis pills, but nothing had helped.
“I’m going to lose my jobs,” he lamented on one of his tours through the kitchen. “They can’t keep me when I only work half the time and even when I’m there, I may not be reliable.”
“Rick, this is a special circumstance. It’s not your fault this happened,” Gina said soothingly.
“I know, but the fact remains that they need someone who can do the job,” he replied.
“Let’s just wait and see. It should be here soon,” Gina said.
“And in the meantime, I’m falling apart. The vodka’s not even helping much. Nothing is.” He sat down and was still for a few moments. Then, with a frustrated growl, he got up and began pacing again.
Gina felt horrible that she couldn’t help him more. “Do you want some more tea?”
“Yeah. It can’t hurt me any. On second thought, don’t worry about it. No sense going through the trouble if it won’t help.”
It was near dawn before Rick was exhausted enough to sleep. At noon, Gina woke him up even though she hated to. He’d been insistent about going to work. He groaned and covered his eyes with an arm as the sunlight hit them.
“Gina, my gun is over there somewhere. Just shoot me. Put me out of my misery,” he quipped.
She laughed softly. “I’m not going to do that.”
“Some fiancée you are. Ok, how about some tea? That should help with the headache, anyway.”
A little while later, they rode into town together. Rick felt a little clearer than he had the day before. He only hoped it stayed that way. Gina rode to the sheriff’s office with him and kissed him goodbye. As she rode away, she knew she was going to be worried about him all day.
Two days later found Rick in an even more deteriorated state. The shipment still hadn’t come. To make matters worse, a blizzard swept through the northern part of Montana leaving Dawson under a foot and a half of snow. Nothing was getting through to them at the moment.
He was over the withdrawal, but everything else was back. He’d had one blackout and had nightmares almost every night. After that blackout, Rick came to the realization that he was not going to get better. How was he supposed to get married like this? He couldn’t raise children like this. There was no way he would subject them to that kind of scary situation. What if he blacked out and hurt them somehow? What if he hurt Gina?
One evening, he didn’t let Gina stay with him. “You need a break and there’s nothing to be done right now,” he said. “Please, get some rest.”
“All right,” Gina said. “You try to sleep, too.”
He smiled at her. “I will.”
She kissed him goodbye and then began to cry. She didn’t go back into the parlor. Leaning against the front door, she gave in to the tears of worry and frustration. Burying her face in her hands, she sobbed quietly into them. Little by little, she was losing him. How much longer could Rick keep this up? He was trying so hard to keep it together, but something bad was going to happen soon. She could sense it.
Gina tried to stop crying, but couldn’t. Strong hands closed around her upper arms and then she felt herself enfolded into an embrace. She had no idea who held her, but it didn’t matter to her. It was comforting, which was what she needed right at that moment.
“Come, Gina,” she heard Randall say.
He took her with him into the parlor and sat her down on the sofa with him. Gina leaned against him and let him hold her. A silk handkerchief was pressed into her hand after a bit and Randall said, “Come now, Gina. You’ll make yourself sick.”
Gina straightened, blew her nose and said, “He’s a wreck, Randall.”
“Yes. I know. So are you, my dear. I confess that I am quite worried for the both of you,” Randall said with a frown.
She started sobbing again and he gathered her close. Joe came into the parlor to see what was going on and Randall waved him away with a stern expression. Joe’s eyebrows rose, but he turned around and left.
As he entered their room, he said to Lacey, “I was just ordered to leave the parlor by our butler. That’s a first. I hope he doesn’t plan on making it a habit.”
Lacey chuckled. “I wish I would have seen it.”
“You do, huh?” Joe said as he grabbed his wife and tickled her.
It was late morning when Rick showed up at Joe’s the next day. He found Gina in the sewing room, as he thought he would. She worked on letting down a hem on one of Emil
y’s dresses. Rick leaned against the doorframe for a minute just watching her work and thought for the millionth time how beautiful she was.
Then he straightened and walked into the room. He shut and locked the door, something he was in the habit of doing. Gina looked at him and smiled.
“Did you sleep last night?” she asked hopefully.
“A little. Not much. You?”
Gina thought back to how Randall had helped calm her down so she could go to sleep and said, “Some. I was worried about you.”
He gave her a grim smile and pulled a chair closer to her.
“Gina, you know how much I love you, right?” he asked.
She took his hands in hers. “Of course, I do.”
“Good. I want you to remember that and see that this is for the best,” Rick said.
“What is?” Gina asked.
Rick cleared his throat and said, “I can’t marry you, Gina. Not like this.”
“All right, so we’ll postpone the wedding for now. That’s ok,” she said as she squeezed his hands.
“No, Gina. I mean I can’t marry you at all. Ever. This isn’t fair to you,” Rick said, looking into her eyes.
Gina frowned. “I think you’re overreacting, Rick. The laudanum will get here at some point and then things will be fine. You’ll be your old self again.”
“And if it doesn’t come until closer to spring? I’m not going to make it until then. I’m dangerous to be around, Gina. I … uh … went to the bar last night to get more vodka and I had to be restrained by Reckless and Ben. Some guy said something to me that made me angry; no, make that raving mad. I spent the night locked up in jail because of it and I don’t remember much of it.”
“Oh, Rick. I’m so sorry. Someone should have come to get me,” Gina said.
“No, they shouldn’t have. I can’t do this to you, to the kids, Gina. What if one of them says something to me and I can’t control myself? I would kill myself if I ever hurt one of them or you. I can’t take that chance. I resigned from being deputy this morning and Mitch didn’t argue with me, which tells me that I’m right. I’m a threat to others,” Rick said.
Gina said, “Please, Rick, don’t do this. I’ll help you. We’ll get through this. If we have to stay away for a little while, ok, but I love you and I want us to have a life together. With the kids. It’ll be hard but we can do it.”
“The fact that you would be willing to do that just reinforces my opinion that you are the most wonderful woman on Earth,” Rick said. “I can’t marry you, Gina. Everything in me wants you and the kids, but I can’t allow you to put yourselves in danger that way. Trust me; this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I love you, too much not to do the right thing. There will never be anyone else for me, Gina. I love you and the kids more than you’ll ever know.”
He kissed her cheek and left. As he walked through the house, Rick encountered Lacey.
“Hi, Rick,” she said brightly.
“Gina’s going to need you,” he said and left quickly.
Lacey looked after him a moment and then hurried to the sewing room. Gina sat bent over, sobbing into her hands. It took Lacey ten minutes to be able to understand what had happened. Gina felt like she was breaking in two, the grief was so strong. Her world had just come crashing down for the second time in her life. Her heart screamed in pain and her mind still couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. Lacey held her and rocked her until Gina’s sobs subsided into soft hiccups. Then she took her over to her room and had her lay down. Lacey went to find her husband.
“All I know is that he broke off their engagement,” Lacey said. “Do you know why he would do that?”
Joe scowled and said, “Yes, darlin’, I do.”
They stood in the tack room of the first barn talking.
“Don’t get mad at me for sayin’ this, but he did the right thing.”
“Joe! How could you say that?” Lacey said.
“Darlin’, Rick was in jail all night because he beat the crap out of some guy. I’m not talking about the way the bouncers kick someone out, either. This was vicious, Lacey. Jake saw the whole thing. The guy smarted off to Rick, but he should have just shrugged it off, or quit after one punch. Jake said that he’d never seen anything like it. He got hold of Rick, but it took Ben and Reckless to restrain him.
“Reckless held on to him while Ben put him in a sleeper hold. Once he was unconscious, they took him up to the jail. Rick resigned and Mitch didn’t put up a fight. I have to fire him, Lacey. We can’t have someone workin’ there like that. Our bouncers have to be clearheaded and reliable. He’s dangerous and he knows it. That’s why he broke up with her. He’s afraid of hurting her and the kids and he’s right, Lacey. I know it hurts her like hell, but it was the right thing for him to do.”
Lacey saw how pained Joe was over it all. “Oh, Joe. It’s so sad. I love Gina and I love Rick. I can’t believe this is happening. Is Rick going to be ok alone?”
“I don’t know, honey. I hope so. Maybe we can all take turns checking on him or something,” Joe said as he hugged his wife.
“That would be good. Poor Gina. She’s gonna need us, Joe,” Lacey said.
“I was afraid of this from the very beginning, honey. We’ll help her and the kids. They’re gonna be heartbroken, too. Especially Ryan,” Joe said.
“I know. I’m going to go check on Gina,” Lacey said.
When Lacey told Randall what had happened, his expression held much sadness and anger. Lacey had never seen that much emotion on the butler’s face and it was unsettling.
“Are you ok, Randall?” she asked.
“Yes, Lacey. I’m quite fine. I would like to go out for a little while, if you wouldn’t mind?” Randall said as determination entered his eyes.
“Yes, of course. May I ask where you’re going?”
“To put this nonsense to rest, Lacey,” Randall said and went to collect his coat and hat.
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Who it is?” Rick called when someone knocked on his door.
He’d moved back down to his little house. He couldn’t stay in the house where he’d been going to live with Gina and the kids. It was much too painful.
“Randall, sir.”
“Randall? Joe’s Randall?” Rick said in disbelief.
“Yes. Please open the door or I shall break it down, sir.”
Rick’s eyebrows rose at that. He opened the door. Randall came in without being invited.
“What’s wrong?” Rick said.
“You, sir, are wrong,” Randall said.
“Come again?”
“I’ve seen this before, Rick. What you’re experiencing isn’t uncommon with someone who has experienced intense distress, abuse, or trauma. You have two choices. You can either let it rule you or you can face it and work through it,” Randall said.
Rick looked into Randall’s dark eyes and said, “Randall, I’ve done everything I know to do. Marcus and Ben’s only solution is laudanum and there isn’t any right now. It was working, too.”
“No, it was merely masking the problem, sir. You need to face the problem instead of running away from it,” Randall said. “You’re fighting the memories, correct?”
“Yes. I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to dream about it. I don’t want to think about her or what she did to me,” Rick said. His head began to hurt.
“I assume you are speaking of your mother?” Randall said.
“Yes. Please don’t make me talk about this.”
“You must. You must let the memories come or you will descend into madness. You are close as it is and you will end up in an asylum. Is that what you want?”
“No, of course not,” Rick said.
“Then face it! Do whatever it is you need to in order to do that! Talk about it, write about it! Something! Do not hide behind alcohol or drugs, because they will not completely solve the problem,” Randall said.
“What do you know about it?” Rick demanded. �
�Have you ever been beaten as a child? Have you ever been locked in a closet for days without food or water? Have you?”
“No, sir.”
“Have you ever been whipped with a riding crop? Have you ever been told by your mother how much she hated you and how she should have killed you in the womb or as soon as you were born?” Rick shouted.
“No, sir.”
“Have you ever killed your mother and had to go on the run to avoid going to jail?”
“No, sir.”
“Then what the hell do you know about it?” Rick asked.
Randall said, “Have you ever been the victim of a sexual assault?”
His question brought Rick up short. “No.”
“I have and for years I was a complete wreck, much like yourself. Nothing worked. I tried opium, spirits, women; all to no avail, sir. The only thing that saved me was facing what happened and realizing that I couldn’t move forward until I went back. Rick, that is what you must do. You must go back in order to move forward,” Randall said. “I trust that you will do the right thing, sir. Gina deserves that and so do those dear children. So do what you must and then make things right.”
“She deserves better than me, Randall. Someone stable, someone reliable.”
“You are quite right, sir. She does deserve someone better. So make yourself better and become someone stable and reliable once again. You’re an intelligent man. I trust that you will figure out how to do that. Good day, sir,” Randall said. He pulled the door open, gave Rick a meaningful look, and then closed the door behind him.
Rick didn’t know how long he stood there with Randall’s words spinning around in his mind. Go back in order to move forward. He heard them over and over. Rick finally sat down, but the words wouldn’t leave him alone. Hours later, he came to a decision. He knew what he had to do.
Rick snuck into the bar that night. It wasn’t hard to do since he wasn’t wearing his usual clothing. Instead of the duster and hat, he wore a buckskin coat with wool lining and a tan cowboy hat. He’d tied his hair back and put up the collar of his coat so it looked like he had short hair.
“Hey, Sitting Duck,” he said as he approached the bouncers’ table.
