by Kaliana Cole
* * * *
Jade watched him pull on the gloves, watching his face close down and become hard. She could feel him drawing away. He turned to look straight at her, holding his helmet ready. “You need to let us in, Jade. We would do anything for you, help you through anything. You just have to let us in.”
Jade felt the remnants of her enjoyment slide from her face. “I don’t know if I can, Brett,” she said softly, hurt welling up inside at the thought of the pain she was causing the three brothers at the moment.
Brett slipped the helmet on. “You could start by unlocking the gate.”
He slid the visor down, and the bike roared to life. Jade followed slowly, the high of her adrenaline rush replaced with the emptiness she had come to hate. The only bad thing about chasing the high was the crash afterward. There was no one to hold you through the afterglow like a sexual high, just a cold empty darkness that crept back into your soul, creating a barrier of emotional distance too great to scale.
Jade fueled up and returned home.
She left the gate unlocked.
Chapter 18
Two days later Jade gave them an opportunity to put the plan into effect. She called Elly to come and geld two of the colts that did not have the temperament or trainability for stud material. The only time the vet had available was immediately before lunch. Nate accompanied Elly as he usually did on large animal call-outs, and courtesy dictated that Jade ask them to stay for lunch.
Elly was fascinated with the old house that she vaguely remembered from her childhood and asked Jade to show her around. She did a credible job of exclaiming over the ten-foot beaten copper ceilings, which were different in each room. She did not like her part to play in this drama but could see its necessity.
In Jade’s bedroom, where the ceiling was festooned with old-fashioned cabbage roses, Elly lingered, exclaiming her delight, backing up until her leg brushed the bedside table, knocking it over.
Apologizing profusely, she started picking up things, contrary to Jade’s reassurance not to worry. She stopped when she held the box of antidepressants in her hand. She turned to meet Jade’s embarrassed gaze. “You are not taking these, are you?”
Her question caused Jade to blush deeper, snatching the box from Elly’s hand. “That’s none of your business.”
“I am sorry, Jade. It’s just that those were taken off the market over a year ago. I had a friend who used to be on them, and she hasn’t looked back since they put her on the new medication.” Elly made full eye contact with Jade, who was very uncomfortable under the scrutiny. “You need to go and see a doctor, Jade. This stuff is downright nasty. Have you been taking it long?”
“I was on it years ago. I had a little relapse when, um, a few weeks ago and didn’t have time to go to the doctor. They always used to put me on the same stuff, so I just started on a box I had left over. Pretty dumb when I think about it. But it was the best idea I had at the time. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.”
“Why do I think those idiot brothers of mine had something to do with that?”
Jade laughed humorlessly. “Because you are a smart woman.”
“Not half a fucking brain between them,” Elly acknowledged, shaking her head. “I see the way they look at you, Jade. There is no question that they love you, but they just don’t have a frigging clue. They need to treat you right, not overwhelm you by coming on strong.”
Jade blinked. “Um, so you know about them all, um…”
“Wanting you?” Elly finished for her kindly. “Yes, I do. You are the only thing those brothers of mine have agreed upon in their whole lives. I know it is not a normal situation, but they didn’t exactly have a normal upbringing. The only thing they had besides each other was you.
“When you left, the life just went out of them. The townsfolk thought they were mourning Patrick, but it was the empty space on the pew next to your father they looked at. They just fell apart, Jade.
“Brett left straight after the funeral, and Matty started getting in trouble at school. Thank god he signed up. I would hate to think of the kind of trouble he would have gotten in otherwise. And Nate just closed down. Oh, he got married and that, but it didn’t have a chance in hell of working when you took his heart with you when you left.”
She took Jade’s hands in both of hers. “There is a chance here for you all to be happy, but first, you have to heal yourself. Go to your doctor. Don’t hold anything back. And let the boys help you. They might be brainless fools at times, but you mean the world to them. Trust them, Jade. They are not going to let you drive them away.”
Elly gave her hands a squeeze before releasing them. “We had better get out there before Anna molests one of them. Nate can handle her, but Matty looked pretty uncomfortable with the way she kept ogling his ass.”
Jade grinned. “I really can’t blame her there.”
Elly pulled a face. “Uck, that’s my brother you are talking about. Have a bit of care.”
They laughed and headed out to find Anna had Matt cornered, with Nate all but rolling around on the floor in mirth. Sharing a grin, they walked straight past, leaving them to their own devices.
* * * *
Jade got an appointment for the very next day and the lecture on self-medicating she knew she deserved. Dr. Shelly Green had read right through Jade’s file that had been sourced from her former GP, heavy blinks punctuating her perusal. She had then proceeded to question her thoroughly and deeply, leaving no stone unturned. Only after Jade had been completely candid and open with her did she do a physical.
Jade was impressed with the doctors competence and communication skills. Her last GP had only asked a few cursory questions before handing over a script.
The young female doctor finished by asking about her present support network, who she had to lean on and talk to. Jade hedged by saying that she had someone, but Shelly told her straight that unless there was someone who knew her past, that she could talk to about everything when the need arose to let it out, she could forget about getting better.
She gave her a script for new medication and said she wanted to see Jade in two weeks.
Jade headed home via the pharmacy.
The next week was a revelation to Jade as her body cleared itself of the affecting drug, and the effects of its replacement began to be felt. She began to smile over simple pleasures again. She no longer had to jump so high or ride so fast to get a buzz. And her libido began to stir, albeit a little lazily, but active once more.
* * * *
Nate came over to drop Matt off one Thursday morning so he wouldn’t have to ride the ATV in the rain, and stopped for coffee. Jade found herself enjoying his company. The heat he couldn’t hide in his eyes stirred, answering echoes within her as they sat on the veranda watching the rain fall. Matt had given them a dirty look before heading out into the rain, looking like a veritable giant in the bulk of his oilskin slicker.
“I am so glad Matt is here. Otherwise it would be me going out there getting wet.” Jade took a warming sip of the rich brew.
“He is glad he is here, too, darlin’. I don’t know what he would have done if you hadn’t let him help. He was pretty broken up when you sent him away. There is nothing he wouldn’t do to be near you Jade.”
She looked down into the dark beverage, searching for words to use, finding that now she could talk about it. Not all of it, but some of it.
“I don’t quite know how to explain things to you, Nate, but I am going to try.” She looked out into the gray day shrouded by rain. It was easier to talk when she couldn’t see his eyes. As it was, she could feel their gentle touch.
“For the last eight years or so I have just existed, not truly lived. I went through the motions, but nothing felt real. I mean there were good times and some real bad times, but it was as if I felt them second-hand. I know now that it was a symptom of depression.
“I have suffered with it on and off for years, more or less since I left. This is pretty persona
l, but you have earned the right to hear it. In the beginning I could feel it happening, like a dark fog creeping over me. The only way I would get past it was chasing a high, usually driving like an idiot. Sex worked, too, but David didn’t have much time for me, and if he rejected me, I ended up worse.
“The funny thing was that it wasn’t the sex. It was the physical contact I really wanted. I went and got help, but the drugs shut down my libido so completely. It was like flicking a switch. David would complain about going from feast to famine, and I would go off the medication. And then the vicious cycle would begin again.
“I had something pretty terrible happen back a few years ago.” She stopped, willing back the tears that threatened to spill.
“Your child?” Nate questioned gently.
Tears escaped, rolling hot and free down her cheeks, but she found she was able to talk. “Christopher was eleven months old. I was having trouble coping with motherhood, my marriage, and trying to get back to work. I asked David to take Chris for a drive to give me ten minutes peace and quiet.” Her voice broke as her guilt threatened to overwhelm her. Nate put his arm around her shoulders but did not turn her to him, offering his support without undermining her tenuous control.
“There was an accident. A drunk driver ran a red light and crashed into the back of David’s car. Chris was killed instantly.
“That was three years ago. You’d think I would be able to talk about it now, but I can’t, Nate.” She sniffed, trying to control her tears.
“Oh, darlin’.” He gathered her close and just held her, his voice thick with tears of his own.
No one had held her while she wept out her anguish that something so important had been ripped away from her. Not David who had been caught up in his own grief. Not her so-called friends who had not known what to say and as such had offered their condolences and kept clear of her.
They say time heals all wounds, but deep wounds require help to mend. The chemical bandage that had been slapped on when hers had become infected had delayed the healing process. Jade felt more peace letting her tears run free in Nate’s comforting embrace than two years of therapy and medication had ever inspired.
Nate let her cry, rocking her in that comforting way loved ones do when they feel useless to do anything else. She knew Nate didn’t know what to say, but he offered her all he had: the strength of his body and the silence of understanding. Jade found it was enough.
Eventually, the storm of her weeping passed. She lay limp in the circle of his arms, head back, propped against his chest. She found she was able to continue, all emotion wrung from her for the moment.
“That morning when we, um…”
“Made love?” he gently supplied, surprising her with his choice of words.
“Um, yeah. Well, for the first time in forever, I could feel again. Things felt like they were happening to me instead of someone else. It scared me, Nate. I wasn’t used to feeling like that. It was too real. Too raw. I panicked. I am sorry I hurt all of you like that, but I just wasn’t ready for that.”
Nate rested his chin on top of her head. “Do you think you ever will be?” His tone was tender, not the accusatory inflection she was expecting.
“I hope I will be one day. I have a great doctor, and I am getting the help I need to get better. She said talking about what happened would help to move through the grieving process, and she was right. I have never talked to anyone about Chris who didn’t know about it already, but as painful as it was, I feel better for it.”
“You can talk to me about anything, darlin’. Anytime, give me a call, and I’ll be there.” He kissed the top of her head before resting his chin back on it. Jade held on to the arm wrapped around her and just soaked up his touch, his warmth. She felt like a huge weight had been lifted from her, but a small niggling voice told her that she still had secrets to keep. Ruthlessly, she quashed it, living in the moment and really too emotionally beat to care.
She didn’t know how long she sat there, but eventually, that third cup of coffee kicked in, and her bladder told her she had to get up. Nate let her go reluctantly as she pulled away. Jade relieved herself and repaired some of the ravages to her face with a cool cloth. She was glad Nate hadn’t been able to see her face when she looked at the blotchy mess in the mirror. She never cried prettily. Her eyes and nose got red and swollen, and the blotches were unbelievable. But a cold wet cloth and some eye drops could work wonders.
When she went back out, Nate was standing, running the brim of his battered hat through his hands as he stared out into the rain. He looked back at the sound of her tread behind him. Jade was taken aback by the tenderness she saw in the soft blue of his eyes as they locked and held hers.
“I have to go help Elly this morning. Would you like to come over for dinner and a movie tonight?” He must have seen the suspicion that crept into her eyes. “Just dinner and a movie. Nothing else,” he assured her.
“I’d like that.”
He extended his arm to offer a hug before he left. Jade stepped in, sliding her hands under the parted front of his denim jacket and burying her face in his chest. He held her close. She marveled at the feel of his gentle hands resting on her back and the warmth of his chest beneath her cheek. With one last squeeze, he released her and stepped out into the rain.
Jade stood watching for a long time after he drove out of sight, lost in thought and warmed by hope.
Chapter 19
By the time the Camaro pulled up outside the Kelly residence Nate knew Jade would never have guessed the panic that had gone on within for the last hour and a half. He had filled his brothers in on Jade’s fragile state of affairs, and the slim hope burgeoning at the possibility of resurrecting a relationship with Jade now spurred them on to extremes.
Matt had been running around with the vacuum and washing dishes that were stacked haphazardly in the sink. Brett had done some last-minute grocery shopping and was busy in the kitchen, and Nate had spent the time going through the DVD cabinet, making sure nothing inappropriate was in there when he asked her to choose tonight’s movie. He decided it would be particularly uncomfortable if one of Brett’s club scenes found its way on the screen in full HD, especially if it was one of the rare ones that he had taken part in.
* * * *
The aroma that sprung from the front door bowled Jade over, her stomach rumbling as the tempting smells of garlic, seafood, and succulent beef assaulted her senses. Nate looked down at the growling offender before giving her a grin. “Maybe Brett should have bought the whole cow instead of half,” he teased, ushering her inside.
She walked though to the kitchen, marveling at the remodeled and modernized room. Stainless steel fridge and top-of-the-line gas appliances graced the black marble and solid timber kitchen. It was a kitchen for a serious cook. There was not a microwave to be seen. “Very nice. Whose domain is this?” she asked.
Brett turned from where he was flipping steaks on the cast-iron hotplate. “Mine.” He gave her a welcoming smile. “How do you like your steak?”
“Still bleeding, if it’s not too late.”
“Blue or rare?” She saw the wrinkle of disgust on Matt’s face at the offered choices as he entered the kitchen carrying a feather duster.
“Better make it rare. I think Matt would be sick if I ate blue steak in front of him.”
“Okay, I’ll make it rare-rare.” Jade was watching Matt dust a plant stand in the corner “That’s a naughty grin if ever I saw one. What’s going through that pretty little head of yours, Jadey?” Brett asked with a smile.
She grinned harder. “I was just thinking that Cinderella here would look much better doing that in a French maid outfit.”
Matt turned with a smile of his own. “The whole outfit or just the frilly little apron?”
“I was thinking only the frilly little apron,” she answered truthfully, admiring how his ass twitched with each swipe of the duster.
Nate set the table and pulled Jade’s chair out for h
er, gesturing grandly as he did so. She gave him an overly gracious nod as she sat, playing along.
Jade was astonished at the meal Brett laid before her, surf and turf with seasoned pan fried potato chips and a simple salad. The steak was a scotch fillet, cooked to perfection, or in Jade’s case “uncooked” to perfection. Scallops, shrimp, and calamari swam in a delicate garlic cream sauce that adorned the grass-fed beef. Jade was in heaven.
She might have had her appetite back, but the size of her stomach restricted what she could actually eat. She left half the salad and nearly all the chips, but she ate every trace of seafood and most of the steak. She poked forlornly at that last piece of beef but just could not find the room to put it.
Brett looked on in amusement as she harassed that last piece of steak. He finally took pity on it and reached across with his fork, stabbing it and popping it in his own mouth, grinning as he chewed. Jade threw him a token protest but could only smile in return.
When they finished, Nate ushered her through to the living room, directing her to the DVD cabinet beside the huge flat-screen TV. While she made her choice, he made himself comfortable on the lounge, relaxing as she poked through the vast collection.
Finally, she picked one, an oldie but a good one. But anything with a shirtless Matthew McConaughey in it was a good one to Jade’s way of thinking. Nate groaned as Sahara lit up the screen. He grinned at the protesting look Jade shot him and held out his hand. She accepted it and crawled up onto the lounge with him, letting him gather her to his side. She found a comfortable position, but it was too comfortable. Even with the sound of Matt and Brett arguing good-naturedly while they washed up, her eyes started to close.
Nate grinned down at her. “Had a big feed, and now you need a nap, huh?”
Jade smiled ruefully. “Sorry. Today took a bit more out of me than I thought.”
