by Dena Christy
Chapter 7
Rowan left the bathroom, and settled back into bed with a sleepy looking Kate. He pulled her to him, and stroked her hair as she settled her head on his chest. Making love to her had blown his mind, and he wasn’t ready to let her go just yet.
“How did you get rabies?” Her voice came so unexpectedly out of the stillness of the bedroom that for a moment he had no idea what she was talking about.
“What?” he asked.
She levered herself up, and put a hand on his chest as she looked at him. “You said you bit me because you had rabies.”
“I did have some components of the rabies virus inside me, but I wasn’t rabid,” Rowan said as he shifted uncomfortably. He didn’t want to ruin the peace he felt with her by stirring up the pain that had plagued him for the past year.
“How did it happen though? Could something like that happen to me?” She had a worried frown on her face, and Rowan saw that he was not going to be able to avoid this conversation. He was silent for a moment, trying to think of the best way to share this with her. There was a lot to tell, and she deserved to hear it all, especially since her life had drastically changed as a result of his weakness.
“You don’t need to worry about it happening to you. My issue was completely self inflicted, and I came close to destroying my life. Maybe that’s what I wanted.”
She must have sensed his difficulty in talking about this, because she rubbed his chest in slow soothing circles. “Can you talk about it?”
“I should start this at the very beginning, how it all started,” he said as he drew her down so her head rested against his chest. It would be easier in the telling if he didn’t have to see the disgust for him that would surely be in her eyes. “It started six years ago, when I fell in love with the woman my brother brought home to meet our family.”
“Was it Nick or Eric, and by brought her home, do you mean she was his girlfriend?” She continued to rub his chest, and her touch eased some of the tightness he felt inside at dredging up his history.
“Eric, and yes she was his woman. She was human and she bowled me over, and I don’t know if it was arrogance or my own desperation to have her, but I was sure she wasn’t meant for him. Of course he didn’t think so, and I was less careful with his feelings than I should have been.”
“What do you mean? Did you confront him about it, tell him that you wanted her yourself?”
“No, although in hindsight that would have been the best way to approach that whole horrible situation. What I did was much worse, and I couldn’t have hurt Eric more than if I’d literally plunged a knife in his back, instead of just figuratively.” He closed his eyes tight as he remembered the look on Eric’s face when he discovered what he’d done. He felt her move, and her hand caressed his face. He opened his eyes, and saw her leaning up on her elbow, looking at him.
“What did you do?” she asked, her voice quiet, with a look of compassion in her eyes that he knew his next revelation would wipe clean.
“I slept with her, and I have no excuse. I was so caught up in my own selfish feelings that I didn’t stop to think about what it would do to my brother, what it would do to my family. Of course, other members of my pack could see what was happening, which made it all the worse when Eric did find out. And he learned it in the worst possible way, by walking in on us together.”
“Did you fight?” Her hand remained on his face, and she continued to look him in the eyes. Her expression was unchanged from moments before and he could see no judgement on her face.
“I didn’t want to, even then I knew I deserved whatever he could dish out. Chelsea tried to intervene, and got knocked down in the scuffle, and I engaged him after that. If Nick hadn’t broken it up, we may very well have killed each other. He left that night, and I honestly thought he’d cool off. We’d hash it out later, and I could make him see that she wasn’t right for him. I was an idiot, and had no idea at the time just how deeply he felt about what I’d done. I betrayed him, and he couldn’t forgive me for that. He left, and didn’t come back until a few months ago.”
She leaned forward and kissed his lips. He thanked God she wasn’t the judgmental type, although he wouldn’t blame her for it. God knows he condemned himself often enough, and he hadn’t even gotten through the worst of it yet.
“Is she the woman in the picture in the living room?”
Only one picture of Chelsea remained in the house, one taken shortly after they’d gotten married. He’d packed away the rest of them, not being able to take the pain of looking at them, but for some reason he’d left that one.
“Yes,” he said quietly. “It was taken shortly after we got married.”
“You married her?” she said and he heard the edge of surprise in her voice. He could see the wheels turning in her head, wondering where his wife was now.
“Yes I did, and it was the worst thing I could have done to her,” he said as he moved her away from him and got off the bed. The air in the bedroom grew heavy around him, and he walked over to the window to open it. The cool night air brushed his skin as he stood there looking up at the moon. Her arms came around his waist and her naked body pressed against his back.
“Tell me,” she said quietly as her cheek rested against his back. He put his hands on her arms, intending to untangle them from his waist, but he couldn’t do it.
“She died a year ago, giving birth to our daughter. Our baby died with her,” He took a deep breath and eased it out slowly, the pain of remembering her and his baby still as sharp as it was when it happened. He bowed his head as a tear slipped out from under his closed eyes.
“Oh Rowan,” she murmured as she squeezed him tighter, pressing her body fully against his back.
“We tried for years to have a baby. I never pushed her to, because I knew how hard it is for wolves to have babies with humans. It happens, but it’s a long hard road, and I wanted to spare her that. She wanted a baby so badly. She said it was her way of making up for breaking up my family, that with a baby we could start a new one. We were both ecstatic when she finally got pregnant, but it was a pregnancy that was plagued with problems. She went into labor way too early, and I was out of town on a job, and she waited too long to call the ambulance. She bled to death, and our daughter was too young to live outside the womb. I got to the hospital an hour after it was all over, so I wasn’t even with her when it all happened.”
She turned him around to face her, and pulled him close to her. His arms came around her, and he buried his face in her neck. All the pain he’d suppressed when his wife and baby died, came bursting forth. Her arms tighten around him as he grieved for the family he lost.
Once his emotional storm abated, he drew back from her and pulled her over to the bed. He felt like a rung out dishrag, but there was more to tell her.
“I lost my mind a little when she died. I shut myself away, ignored Nick, just sat in this house and stared at her pictures.”
He stared off into space as he remembered the hellish weeks after her death, when he wanted to die himself.
“You don’t have to talk about this anymore if it’s too much for you,” she said as she turned his head to face hers. There was still no judgement in her eyes, only a deep empathy for him. He raised her hands to his lips, her lack of condemnation giving him the strength he needed to continue. She needed to hear it all, since everything that had happened to her in the past three months was his doing, a result of a decision he made when he didn’t care about his own life.
“I need to tell you all of it, since your life has changed drastically as a result of one reckless decision on my part.” He took a deep breath before he continued. “To say I was in a bad place when Chelsea and our baby died would be an understatement. I went off the rails, drank too much, got in a lot of fights and then I hit the perfect solution to all my problems. I once knew a werewolf named James Horn, who was a brilliant geneticist, and he was obsessed with improving the werewolf race. He wanted to make breedin
g easier, make us stronger and faster. He had a formula, called Dark Wolf, which really should have been a big warning bell for me right there.
“He was running experiments, and even then there were rumors that things weren’t exactly going well with them. I decided to volunteer, because I figured I had nothing to lose, and the worst that could happen to me was that I’d die. And if I didn’t, then maybe something good would come of it, and other werewolves wouldn’t have to go through what I went through, and other women wouldn’t have to die like my wife did.”
“I’m guessing since I’m here, and a werewolf, your dying wasn’t the worst that could happen,” she said gently, and he pressed her hand to his lips and kissed the back.
“The genetic materials Horn used were tainted, and the resulting formula had live rabies viruses in it. It wasn’t enough to kill the wolves right away, but it did turn them feral. It affected me adversely too, and I felt a bloodlust inside me, the likes of which I’ve never felt before or since. I became obsessed with hunting women, but I managed to fight it off until that night in the park.”
“The night you bit me,” she said as she shifted away from him for the first time since he started his tale.
“The night I tried to kill you. I stalked you through the park, and I attacked you. You can’t know how much I regret that. I would do anything to take it back.”
“Why didn’t you?” she asked, and she must have seen the confused frown on his face because she continued. “I don’t remember much about that night, and I am trying to put the pieces together. Why didn’t you kill me? That’s what the formula was made for, wasn’t it?”
“At the time I thought so, but now the Order isn’t so sure. Regardless, I couldn’t do it. No matter how crazed I felt, I only got as far as biting you once. I heard you crying, and something in that moment penetrated the fog I’d been living in. I tried to get you help, and couldn’t carry you in my wolf form, so I went back to where I’d first changed, got dressed and raced back to you. I was only gone for a few moments, but you were gone.”
“Which explains why you didn’t know if I was still alive.”
“I think whoever held you for the past three months watched me attack you and took you away while I was gone. That’s the only reason I can think of. Unfortunately I couldn’t look for you, because the clarity I felt with you didn’t last long, and I was in a bar the next night trying to get another woman. I found one, or rather she found me. The Order sent Samara to kill me, and once I realized who she was I begged her to do it. I knew I couldn’t be stopped, and thought it was best if she did her job so I couldn’t hurt anyone else. She started to, but something stopped her and she took mercy on me. I was unconscious and she took me to my brother Nick. They put me in a drug induced coma until they could figure out how to fix me.”
“And obviously they succeeded. Are there any lingering effects of the formula?” she asked him warily, as if the revelation showed her that he might go out of control again.
“I’m stronger than most wolves, and I honestly can’t speak to the fertility because you’re the first woman I’ve been with since my wife died. But the blood lust went out of me once the rabies was gone. The coma enabled my body to fight it off. I swear to you that you’re safe here with me. I’ll understand if you can’t stand to be here with me after everything that’s happened.”
She was silent for several moments, before she put her arm over him and rested her head on his shoulder. His arms went around her and the last bit of tension that was thrumming through him let go.
“I think you went through one of the worst things someone could go through, and you made a decision when you were in a very bad frame of mind. And yes, you’ve changed the course of my life. I have no idea if that will be a good thing for me, or not. But it’s done. You can’t go back and change it. When I first met you, I could see in you a deep sadness and regret. I believe you still feel that, and I believe you when you say you would undo it if you could. If the people who took me were watching me that night, I think you were very much a pawn for them. And as much as you made that first fateful decision to take part in that experiment there is no way you could have realized what was going to happen. I think you need to let go of that regret before it does more damage to you. And I think it’s late, and we’ve talked enough for tonight. Sleep now, Rowan.”
He pulled the covers over them both, and he felt lighter then he had for a long time. He’d shared with her what he’d done, and she hadn’t rejected him for it. A tiny seed of hope planted itself inside him, telling him that maybe the past would stop haunting him, and he could have a future. As Kate curled her body around his, he couldn’t help but hope that his future would include her.
* * *
Dusk that evening was a repeat of the previous night, as Kate and Rowan headed out to Nick’s place again for another run. The big difference was that Kate knew what to expect and didn’t feel the crushing nervousness she’d felt the evening before. She looked over at the big man beside her, still having a hard time wrapping her head around the fact that he was her lover. The sex had blown her mind, and his revelations afterward had been illuminating. She’d had a hard time reconciling the Rowan she’d gotten to know in the past few days, with someone who would attack and bite someone they didn’t know. The virus he’d been injected with explained a lot, and his attack on her, and the death of his wife explained the profound sadness she always sensed within him. There were still hints of it, but she hoped that he could eventually forgive himself for what he saw as his failure to protect his wife, and for what he’d done to her.
Her reaction to his revelation surprised her, because she didn’t get close to people, especially not the men she slept with. Maybe changing into a werewolf had done more to her than change her into a wolf, because the old Kate would have used the opportunity to leave. It hadn’t even occurred to her to split, especially not when his grief was so deep that she felt it inside her when she’d held him.
“I might be going back to work soon,” Rowan said quietly beside her.
“Really? What is it you do, I don’t think you ever told me.”
“A buddy of mine runs a search and rescue operation just north of here. He’s a werewolf too, as are most of the guys who work for him. We are suited to that kind of work, what with our enhanced sense of smell, and our affinity for the outdoors. He gave me as much time off as I needed when Chelsea died, and then I got sick. He said I could come back whenever I was ready.”
“And are you ready?” she asked, happy that he appeared to be moving forward and taking steps to get back to his normal life.
“I will be in a couple more weeks. I want to make sure that everything is fine with you first, and I’d feel better about leaving town if we knew who was responsible for taking you.”
“Rowan, you aren’t responsible for me. I’m a big girl and can take care of myself and have been doing it for years. Don’t put your life on hold on my account.”
“I’m not,” he insisted as he pulled into Nick’s driveway. “Maybe I want to laze about for a few more weeks before I go back to work. Care to laze around with me?”
He shot her that grin of his, and she wanted badly to return it, but she couldn’t. Already she felt closer to him than she had to anyone else before, and she knew sooner or later that she would get itchy feet and need to move on. He’d been hurt enough, and she didn’t want to add to it. He must have sensed her hesitation because his smile eased off his face and he took her hand.
“I’m not suggesting we hook up forever. You can go anytime you want, but I was thinking that if you don’t have anywhere pressing to be, why not stay with me.”
‘Okay,” she said. His saying she could leave any time eased the tightness in her chest.
They got out of the truck, and she was surprised to see Nick, Hadria, Eric and Samara waiting for them.
“Was there a family reunion that no one told me about?” Rowan asked as he hugged each member of his family in
turn. Kate hung back, not sure what to do since she’d never really learned how to play family.
Eric glanced at her and came over to her. She found it disconcerting at first, looking at him when he looked identical to Rowan. She could tell them apart though. Eric seemed harder, more cynical. Knowing what she did about his past with his brother, she could see how he would develop a strong shield to keep others away. She immediately recognized it, because she possessed the same shield.
“They can be a little overwhelming. It’s even a bit much for me, and I grew up in a big family. If it gets to be too much for you, just speak up.”
“Okay, I will. I tend to be a bit of a loner, so I’m just not used to this sort of thing.”
“I hope you don’t mind that we’ve horned in on your run with Rowan. Nick said you did great last night, and it is a lot more fun to run with a pack. The ladies won’t be joining us, since Samara doesn’t change.”
“I thought she was half werewolf,” Kate said as she looked at the beautiful blond woman standing chatting with Nick and Rowan. She looked back at Eric, and there was a noticeable softening to him when he looked at her. “She’s the love of your life isn’t she?”
Eric looked at her sharply for a moment. His shoulders relaxed and he nodded. “She is. And she doesn’t change because she is half demon, and that side dominates. Hadria’s going to stay with her at the house. As a Valkyrie she can change into a wolf, but with her it’s different. She doesn’t need it. You can stay at the house with them if you want, or you can run with the big dogs,” he said as he winked at her and she laughed.
Rowan came over to them, and put his arm around her waist. “Are you running with us sweetheart or are you going to stay with Hadria and Samara?”
