To say he had no room for us was an understatement. A full sized bed and an old black and white TV on top of a dresser took up most of the room. There was a dingy smell that filled the air and the only source of light was an old ceiling fan above the bed that made a constant clanking sound. When Danielle and Michael fell asleep, my father and I sat at the small wooden table where he ate his meals. We talked until the sun started to rise. He told me about his recovery and his new job at Boys and Girls Club.
I broke down and cried when I told my father how I was going to make a fresh start, get off the booze, and create a decent life for my children. I had a plan to get sober, go back to school, and become a paralegal. I was going to apply for government assistance so I could get a place for my own to live.
He listened intently until his eyes grew red-rimmed. I could see him struggling to keep them open.
“I need to get a little rest so I can make it through the day tomorrow. How about I make a bed for myself on the floor and you take the bed?” he asked.
That night, I slept in the bed with my babies, one on each side of me. I whispered to them while they were asleep, that we were safe.
We lived like this for several months while I applied to as many housing programs as I could. I even applied for food stamps and cash assistance, which wasn’t difficult to get with two kids and no job.
While I waited to see if I got into any of the housing programs, I faithfully attended AA meetings with my father. That’s when I met Leo, an ex-Indiana University football player, whom my father was sponsoring.
Our acquaintance started as a friendship that soon became more. Dating other people in the program was frowned upon so we had to hide our relationship from the others.
Leo was a large black guy who was awarded a football scholarship, then lost it when he stopped going to class. Eventually he was cut from the team, which led him to drop out of school. He then drifted from job to job, nothing sticking. Desperate for money he started stealing to curb his cravings. When he got arrested a condition of his probation was to attend AA, which led him to me.
Life was getting so boring! Our coffee meets turned from cream and sugar to sex. Neither of us had a place of our own, so we would do it wherever it was convenient, the back seat of the car, a gas station bathroom, and once in the public library restroom. Every once in a while, I would sneak out of the room at the Gas Light late at night when everyone was asleep. I would find Leo in the woods beside the Inn. I knew what I was doing was not good for me, but I was struggling with sobriety. There was no outlet for me, so instead of taking a drink or popping pills, I had sex.
Then everything change. I received a notice in the mail that I was approved for one of the housing programs! I was going to have a place of my own for the first time in my life! It didn’t take me long to sign the contract and get moved in. I was so proud of myself. I made it happen.
My new place was a nice A-frame style house with the master bedroom on the first floor and two bedrooms on the second floor. Of course, Leo practically moved in with me, which turned out to be a disaster. When our AA group found out it didn’t go over well. Leo and I soon fell off the wagon and right onto skid road. We began drinking and using again. Sober, we sort of worked. Drunk or high was a different story.
When Jack came to visit for the summer he begged me to let him live with me permanently. I refused at first, but he was so persistent. I could see how much he loved his brother and sister, so I conceded.
I was surprised when my mother agreed to let him live with me. At first things worked out well, but soon Jack was getting into it with Leo. Then he started running with the wrong crowd. He was only 15 years old! I could see the slippery slope he was on. I was struggling with sobriety myself. So I called my mother to come get him.
Jack was blindsided when she showed up.
Chapter nineteen
“Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul.”
~Dave Pelzer
Jack Napier - Day 39
When my mother saw the bruises on my arms she knew better than to make me come back and visit. Hell, she was as scared of Sy as I was.
I lived with my grandmother for almost a year before I saw my mother again. That's when I learned she left Sy and moved to Bloomington. I immediately wanted to visit so I could see my brother and sister. Having them in my life made me feel a sense of family, which I desperately longed for. But what I really wanted was to be back in my mother’s life. I desperately wanted her affection, for her to love me.
So, I spent the summer before eighth grade with my mother in Bloomington. The attic where she lived had been converted into an extra-large bedroom. It was perfect! My brother and sister along with me turned it into a small apartment with a TV and a couch.
It wasn’t long before I made friends with the kids in trailer park adjacent to our house. Unlike my friends in Broad Ripple, these kids were wild. We would meet at an old abandoned house at the end of our street to smoke, drink, and tell funny stories.
I was unsupervised and having the time of my life. It got even more interesting when my new friend Rich introduced me to a thirty-something woman named Cathy Colletti, who had five-year-old son. Cathy had a thing for high school boys like Rich and myself. When we weren’t at the abandoned house, we were at Cathy’s. She would buy us beer and let us party at her house all night long. When her son Danny would go to bed things would get crazy.
I actually hated going over there because Cathy reminded me of my mother. Rich had a thing for her, though, so I went along with it for him. When we were there I had to get drunk to deal with the situation. It made me sick to see Cathy, who was my mother’s age, all over my friend. Rich was only fifteen - half her age! She would make out with him right in front of me, doing everything but actually have sex.
This went on for weeks. When Rich became more comfortable going over there he would invite others to join us. These visits now became full-blown underage drinking parties. Cathy was buying us all alcohol and word was getting out that this was the place to be.
At one of the parties Cathy got on the coffee table and started dancing like a stripper for a group of boys. She flirting with one who, ironically, looked a lot like Rich. Pulling up her top she flashed him her breasts. When the song was over she found Rich. She grabbed him by the hand and led him to her bedroom.
That's when Amy, one of the girls that lived in the trailer park, waved at me to come over and talk to her. Amy had a younger sister the same age as my brother who were friends, so I saw Amy a lot.
We talked for hours about school, music, and all kinds of other meaningless stuff. It got so late it was only her and I. We started to kiss. I could taste the sprits on her lips.
Grabbing my hand, she put it under her shirt. My pulse started to race. Laying on the floor we covering ourselves with an old army blanket. I got on top of her and started to grind. I was so nervous I started to shake inside. Grabbing my hand she moved it down to her panties. Moving my hand downward, I could feel a patch of hair. My heart was now beating so fast it felt like it was skipping beats.
Suddenly I was overtaken with the feeling that I was doing something wrong. Amy unbuttoned my pants and started to push them down. I guess this was my signal to take them off. I wanted to stop, but something inside wouldn’t allow me. So, I took off my pants. Then I removed her panties. I was so used to things in my life moving in slow motion but at that moment it was in fast forward. Before I knew it I was inside her. It should have felt amazing to a kid who had never had sex. Instead I felt a deep emptiness. I pictured my mother as a kid. Was Amy doing this because she was trying to fill a hole? Was I doing the same thing?
I immediately pulled out, put on my pants, and got the hell out of there. I am sure I made her feel like a whore, which was not my intent. When I got home I took a shower. I scrubbed myself over and over, desperately trying to clean the memory off me. I was riddled with the guilt for months.
A few days later Rich and I were on our way to Cathy’s. We were later than usual. When we got to her house no one was there, which I thought was odd. We opened her door and walked inside. I heard the familiar grunting sounds I grew up with. Rich was clueless, but I knew right away what was happening. I tried to stop him from going into Cathy’s room. When he opened the door he stood frozen. Noticing Rich at the door, Cathy rolled over and covered herself with the bed sheet.
“It’s not what it looks like!” Cathy shouted.
Rich didn't say a word, instead he took off running. He was never the same after that.
After all the drama with Cathy, Rich and I were ready to have some fun and forget about the whole ordeal. That summer break was a blast. By far the best up to that point in my life.
The summer seemed to end almost as fast as it began. Before I knew it my grandmother was there to pick me up. She was in for a big surprise because I hadn’t packed. I wasn't planning on leaving.
“What’s going on, honey?” she asked noticing is wasn't ready. “Didn’t you know I was coming today?”
“W-w-well, Grandma,” I stuttered. “Um, I wanted to ask you something.”
“What is it, Jack?”
“I was wondering. I want to know… I want to ask, if, well…”
“Come out with it,” she demanded.
“I want to live here with my brother and sister,” I quickly blurted out.
She glared at me in utter bewilderment. I could tell she didn’t know what to say.
“What about football? You have worked so hard.”
“Grandma, I have thought about it. I really don’t want to play anymore."
“You’re so good. You love football. You’ve been playing ever since you were old enough to run!” The wrinkles on Grandma Daisy face told me she was struggling with my decision. Finally, she let out a sigh.
"Your mother finally has a place of her own and it looks like she has got her act together," she conceded.
I'm sure my decision came as a shock to Grandma Daisy but I know she didn’t want me to resent her for not letting me stay.
“Is that a yes, Grandma?”
“That’s a yes, Jack. You know I love you more than anything in this world. I want you to be happy.”
She ran her fingers through my hair, then she gave me a big hug. Slinging her purse over her shoulder, she plodded towards the door. There was a sadness in her heart that I can still feel to this day. She had fought so hard to save me from her daughter, only to lose me by my own accord. But I was chasing my mother’s love and there was nothing I could do to stop.
Cindy
Chapter twenty
“Young girls are like helpless children in the hands of amorous men, whatever is said to them is true and whatever manipulation on their bodies seems like love to them, sooner or later, they come back to their senses, but the scars are not dead inasmuch as her spoiler lives.”
~Michael Bassey Johnson
Cindy Napier’s Diary
May 26th 1995
There are memories that are so horrific to us, we have to try and suppress them by any means necessary. They consume the space where self-esteem struggles to grow. Their sole purpose is to deprive us of happiness.
When I was a child, I was burdened with a heavy blanket of bad memories. It's not until now that I have been able to confront them. My concern has never been for my own wellbeing, it has been for the benefit of Jack’s. The evil that is done to us as children is like a virus that infiltrates our DNA; it becomes a part of who we are. If we are not carful it can be passed on to our children.
As much as I want to, I can never tell Jack the truth. I just hope that writing about it will somehow set me free.
When I was a child, I was my father's little princess. He absolutely adored me. I would sleep in his arms at night and he would curl himself around me. This made me feel protected and loved. We had a special bond that I never felt with my mother.
Then things changed when I got into middle school. My father had become a fulltime drunk. When he would hug me I could smell the booze on his breath. He would whisper in my ear how much he loved me. Then he would kiss me on the lips like he did when I was a kid. At 13 years old, it was extremely awkward. It made me so uncomfortable. I tolerated it because I loved him, which was a big mistake.
As I grew older, my father fell deeper into his alcoholism and things got worse. What started off as inappropriate, crossed the line. One night on our way home from Spencer, my father pulled me over from the passenger side of the car so I was sitting next to him. He then put his arm around me and kissed my forehead. His eyes were glossy and he reeked of whiskey.
He started rubbing my shoulders which at first felt good, then became uncomfortable when he made his was to my chest. When I pulled away and he protested.
"What's wrong, sweetie! You know how much I love you. Don't be afraid, I would never hurt you.”
Obviously, he was drunk, but there was a sincerity in his eyes that I couldn't resist. I loved him more than anything it the world.
Taking my hand, he placed it on his thigh. He was breathing heavily. Then he moved my hand over until I felt his hardness. He ran his fingers though the back of my hair like he did when I was a child. Then I saw his eyes close! We started swerving all over the road! Quickly, I pulled away as the car swerved into the oncoming traffic. Opening his eyes, my father grabbed the steering wheel and pulled over to the side of the road. Then he passed out. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do.
Pushing him over to the passenger side I got behind the steering wheel and contemplated what I was going to do. My father had let me drive the car in the country before, but we were in the city. I wasn’t comfortable driving but I had no choice. If I didn't my father would surely be arrested. I wasn't about to let that happen. So, I sucked it up and drove home.
When we got to the house I left him in the car. In the morning when my mother found him I told her he drove me home then went out to meet some friends. My mother didn’t suspect a thing.
Chapter twenty-One
“Killing is not so easy as the innocent believe.”
~J.K. Rowling
Jack Napier - Day 41
Like a broken record that repeats itself, my life in Bloomington turned into a mess. Yes, I was having a blast with my new friends - but things at home were not good. My mother and her new boyfriend Leo would have sex in the living room at night while my brother, sister, and I were upstairs in bed. I guess they thought we were asleep. I could hear every detail which would send me into an internal rage. For one thing, if I could hear it, so could Danielle and Michael. My mother had no shame. No pride. No love, for anyone but herself.
Needing to release the anger that was building within me, I started cutting myself with a knife. I remember seeing cuts on the arm of one of the kids I met when I was in the Child Protective Services center. When I asked him about it he described how it made him feel better. I thought he was crazy. Why would anyone do that? But there it was, a pocketknife pushed against my arm, slowly cutting into my skin. And it felt good!
I put on my headphones and cranked up the music to drown out the disgusting sounds my mother and Leo made. Then I would start cutting myself. Each cut made me feel better. I can't explain why but it did.
I tried to stay away from the house as much as possible, but I would break down with hunger and go home. My mother fell off the wagon before she was in the new house for even three months. She was back to being the drunk I grew up with, and Leo was along for the ride. The two of them together were like wild teenagers on spring break.
I knew it was only the beginning, but this time I would be wiser. I wasn't going to let Leo do to me what Sy did.
I overheard Leo and my mom having sex in the living room one night. I had to do something to get the sound out of my head. So, I crammed my headphones over my ears, turned my Ratt album up as high as the volume would go, and started to cut myself.
Then I
heard my mother yell. I ripped off my headphones.
“Come on, bitch! I’m going to fuck you in the ass!”
“No you’re not!” she screamed.
“The fuck I’m not!”
I heard my mother struggling. She was crying, begging, demanding Leo to stop.
“Please, Leo, stop! Stop it!”
Then, I heard a loud, painful moan
"AHHHHHHH!" There was a gasp then another moan "AHHHHHHH!"
I didn't know what to do. This went on for several minutes. I could hear my brother and sister crying. I went to brother’s room first, picked him up, then got my sister. I put them in bed with me so I could keep an eye on them.
“I am scared, Jack, why is Mommy crying?” Danielle asked.
“Mommy and Leo are fighting. Don’t worry, you are safe with me. It will be over soon.” I whispered.
I was so upset I started shaking inside. Then there was an eerie silence in the house. I could hear my mother sobbing while Leo was breathing heavy.
After a few seconds, I heard someone turn on the television. The sounds of “The Tonight Show” drifted up the stairs. I felt helpless. All I could do was stare at the ceiling. I didn't sleep a wink that night.
When I came out of my room the next morning, Leo was walking around the house naked like he was the king. Suddenly I was emboldened, angry, and absolutely pissed off.
“My brother and sister don't need to see you walking around the house naked. Please have some respect and put some clothes on,” I demanded.
“Fuck you!” he fired back. “You don’t tell me what to do!”
I couldn’t believe what my mother had invited into our home. I loathed the hateful feeling I had in the pit of my stomach. I wanted to kill him.
Grabbing a beer out of the refrigerator, I could see Leo's bare ass as he stood facing the fridge.
Breaking Brooklyn Page 12
