I need affection. I feel like I have wasted the last 10 years of life, time I will never get back. I want to live again! I want to explore my sexuality. I want to have fun!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:24 am:
Then get divorced!
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:28 am:
I don't want to hurt my kids. They are so young. It would break my heart to destroy our family. I just can't do it.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:29 am:
Cheating on your husband is not the way to do it.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:30 am:
I know, but I don't see any other way.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:31 am:
Suck it up and file for divorce.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:33 am:
That's easy to say, Tyler! You're not happy, so why don't you file for divorce?
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:35 am:
I'm not ready to give up just yet. Marriage is hard and it takes lots of work. You don't just throw it all away because the sex gets old or things aren't perfect.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:38 am:
That's the thing, if two people were meant to be together it wouldn't be hard. If they spoke the same love language it would be natural. Jack and I speak completely different love languages.
My grandparents spoke the same love language and they were married for over 60 years.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:40 am:
I think people were different back then. They didn't have the Internet and dating apps on their cell phones. Our society is all about instant gratification. When things get hard it's too easy to move on.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:42 am:
I agree but I have fought for our marriage for 13 years. I can't take it anymore. I'm missing out on life.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:44 am:
So what are you going to do? Stay married and have flings? That's not the kind of life you want your kids to emulate.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:45 am:
They won't know
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:47 am:
Our kids are smarter than you think. I feel it’s better for them to see what a good relationship looks like even if that means their parent have to get divorced.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 8/30/2014 at 8:48 am:
I'm not sure I was meant to be married.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 8/30/2014 at 8:49 am:
Just be careful, Brooke.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/2/2014 at 10:37 pm:
Nick keeps calling me when he is drunk, begging me to come over. All we do is have sex and then he passes out. When I leave I feel like shit about myself.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/2/2014 at 10:38 pm:
I told you he was going to use you for sex. You need to stop it now or it's going to destroy your self-esteem.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/2/2014 at 10:39 pm:
I know :-( I just get so lonely and Nick is easy.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/2/2014 at 10:40 pm:
You need to stop.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/2/2014 at 10:42 pm:
I told my therapist and she agrees with you. She is encouraging me to seek marriage counseling with Jack. If he knew about Nick I don't know what he would do. I'm afraid he would snap.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/2/2014 at 10:44 pm:
You need to cut it off with Nick. When you feel lonely just call me. I will help you work through it.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/2/2014 at 10:45 pm:
Okay
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/5/2014 at 7:49 am:
What are you getting into this weekend?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/5/2014 at 7:51 am:
Jack is taking the boys camping this weekend so I'm home alone. This will be a good test for me.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/5/2014 at 7:52 am:
I’m here if you need me, Brooke.
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/6/2014 at 8:22 am:
I was good last night :-)
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/6/2014 at 8:23 am:
That's awesome! Don't you feel good about yourself?
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/6/2014 at 8:24 am:
I do! I want to thank you. You have really been my best friend these last few months.
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/6/2014 at 8:25 am:
<3
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/7/2014 at 8:00 am:
OMG, Nick wouldn't stop calling me last night. When I didn't answer his calls or text messages he got hostile. Look at this message:
Where the fuck are you, Brooke!! Why aren't you answering my calls or text messages? This is bullshit! Are you fucking someone else?
You better hope you’re not with some other guy!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/4/2014 at 8:01 am:
That's not good, Brooke!
Facebook Message from Brooklyn Page Napier 9/4/2014 at 8:03 am:
I know, then this morning he sent me a message apologizing. He said he was drunk and worried about me. I think he's bipolar!
Facebook Message from Tyler Ward 9/4/2014 at 8:04 am:
This is not a good situation! You need to stay far away from him.
Cindy
Chapter twenty-four
"In the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself."
~ Albert Camus
Cindy Napier’s Diary
May 31 1995
My life is filled with nothing but emptiness and regret. I have dug a hole so deep there is no getting out. All I can do is self-medicate to cope with the hatred I have for myself.
I had so much potential before my senior year in high school. My modeling career was starting to take off, I had professional pictures taken, and my mother and I were talking to an agent in New York City. My life was so exciting.
Then came Jack. I have never come to grips with the circumstances that caused my pregnancy. In fact, I have tried to block it out of my memory my entire life. But it has caught up to me in the wake of my father’s death.
Jack’s father is… my father.
Even writing this makes my stomach feel like it's filled with razorblades.
It happened my junior year in high school. My father was buying me and my friend’s alcohol and our house had become the place to party. In my father’s warped brain, having the party at the house was his way of being a part of my life. He would get so drunk he would completely black out. His relationship with my mother was completely falling apart. She was working three jobs to keep the bills paid which left me alone with my father most of the time.
When my father would get really drunk he would crawl in bed with me and try cuddle. At first it was innocent, like when I was a child. But, then it became inappropriate. I was drinking myself and would barely remember the night before.
On carbonation day at the Indy 500 my life changed forever. The sad thing is I don't even remember. My friends and I skipped school to go to the track. It was an all day party followed by an all-night party back at my house. That’s when I blacked out.
I woke up the next morning in bed with my father! I didn't have any clothes on and neither did he. I was shocked. I immediately got dressed. My father was passed out. Even in death he has no idea what happened. As far as he knows he woke up alone.
At first, I just thought we were drunk, that I had fallen asleep in my father’s bed like I did when I was a kid. But when my period was late I became concerned. I really didn't think anything happened
between my father and me. But when Jack was born I just knew in my gut my father was responsible. A mother has an intuition about these things. I never said anything to anyone about this. My father was clueless and I left it that way.
In a weird way I needed him to be close to Jack. In the process of doing this I became dependent on him. When he died all of this came back to haunt me. I don't want to fuck up Jack’s life like my father fucked up mine. Despite the resentment I have for my mother, I asked her to raise him. I asked her to make sure he has a chance at life. Now it’s time for me to rest.
My Wishes for My Death:
No keeping me alive on tubes, cutting off of anything.
Celebration of life after I am cremated.
Ashes are to be given to my daughter & she can decide how to handle this.
Do not weep for me, for I am a woman of faith and have made my peace and have been forgiven by Christ & my love of Mary, St. Dympha, St. Rita, and St. Michael.
My wishes are that you love one another as Christ has loved us.
Replace anger with forgiving your enemies, because you only hurt yourself by being angry.
The world is the opposite of the spiritual world. The Jewish Bible is read from back to front.
My body may have died, but my spirit lives on forever, and I will always be in your heart.
I loved all of you very much, and like the song ‘Purple Rain’, I never meant to cause you any sorrow, I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain.
May God in the name of Jesus, Mary & all the saints & angels bless you & all of the future generations in our family always.
I will always be with you in spirit.
A quote from Wayne Dyer: “Goodbye my past, I kissed it, hey kids, I wouldn't have missed it.”
Do not cry for me because I have gone back to the one that created me. I am in the arms of Christ, & with those that have just stepped over to another realm.
See you all on the other side.
Love & Peace Always
Mom
Chapter twenty-five
“Here, from her ashes you lay. A broken girl so lost in despondency that you know that even if she does find her way out of this labyrinth in hell, that she will never see, feel, taste, or touch life the same again.”
~ Amanda Steele
Jack Napier - Day 49
After I got settled in with Grandma Daisy, I was greeted with bad news. Grandpa Bob had a massive heart attack and died unexpectedly. I immediately remembered the turkey in the basement, sitting on his lap while he told me his war stories, and the times we spent together at his AA meetings.
Grandpa Bob had been sober for many years. But loneliness eventually snuck up on him. He didn't jump of a bridge like Jim. Instead, he put a whiskey bottle in his mouth and like pulling the trigger of a gun, he let it kill him. My mother was now left with no one to take care of her.
My head filled with regret because once I left Bloomington I never went back. Which meant I didn't have a chance to see Grandpa Bob before he died. I felt horrible.
I was starting to withdraw, becoming invisible to those around me. I tried to reconnect with Brooke but things were so different between us now. It was nothing like it was when we were in grade school.
I remember having a brief exchange with her that put things in perspective. As usual when I saw her my face lit up like a Christmas tree. When she told me all about how she got accepted to Indiana University the lights flicker off. I would be lucky to even graduate high school at that point, I thought to myself. She didn't have to say it, I could see it in her expression when she asked me what colleges I applied to.
"I'm thinking about taking a year off before I start college," I replied, trying to cover up the fact I wasn't sure I was going to even graduate high school. She told me she thought that was great. But what I heard was, “You’re a loser, Jack.”
I was sure Brooke would move on and I would never see her again. The spark we had between us was now fading into the shadows of my broken heart. Then came the knockout blow.
Grandma was sitting at the dining room table with her head in her hands when I got home. I could immediately feel her sorrow as soon as I walked through the door. I saw pain written across the wrinkles in her face. There were dark bags under her eyes. I knew something was seriously wrong.
“What is it, Grandma?" I asked.
“Jack, you better sit down...” she murmured.
Sitting down in the chair across from her I thought, What could be so bad that I need to sit down? Then it dawned on me. There was only one person in the world that could cause my grandmother that much grief. It couldn’t be anyone else.
“It’s your mother, Jack. She has been burning her candle at both ends for years. It's finally caught up with her.”
“Is she..." My eyes grew large and my stomach began to sour.
She gazed at me, years of pain and disappointment rolling down her cheeks, smearing mascara all the way to her chin. She slowly nodded her head, as if in slow motion. I sat in disbelief.
“How? How, Grandma?”
Grandma Daisy curled her chin into her chest and looked down at the table.
“They believe she overdosed on methadone. However, it could have been a combination of a lot of different drugs. Whatever it was, it caused her heart to stop. When the paramedics tried to revive her, it was just too late. Her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long. She is brain dead and they want us to take her off of life support.”
Grandma Daisy reached across the table and held my hand. The two of us just sat there as the sun sank into the Earth, casting a blanket of darkness upon us.
I wasn’t sad at this point. I was shocked. There were a thousand emotions running through my head. I was angry, disappointed, and distressed that she couldn’t have just been a regular mother.
Over the next couple of days, I spent a lot of time at the hospital, talking with the doctors and reliving my life with her.
There was nothing we could do to save her at this point. My mother was brain dead. Grandma Daisy, my siblings, and I all agreed the best thing to do was to take her off of life support. We each took a turn alone in the room with her for a private moment.
At first I didn’t want to say goodbye. She was the cause of so many bad things that happened to me. What I couldn't understand is why I cared so much?
At the last minute, I changed my mind. I entered the room and looked at her lying lifeless in the tiny hospital bed. She was on a breathing machine, with tubes and wires on every part of her body. There was even one down her throat. All at once, feelings that I did not even know I felt came flooding out. I gently took her hand, then like a child I cried.
"I love you, Mom. I always have, but sometimes you are a hard woman to love back. All I ever wanted was to feel like you loved me. I'm sorry this has happened to you."
I sat on the bed beside my mother and held her hand. I ran my fingers through her dark hair, remembering all of the good things about her. The times we’d had together that I’d totally forgotten about. Like how she would take me to the Indianapolis Museum of Art and walk the grounds with me. I could vividly remember holding her hand, skipping around signing Jiminy Cricket's version of “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.” I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. I told her I loved her.
Walking out of the room, I stopped at the doorway to look back. My emotions were at war. I avoided the rest of my family and hid in the restroom long enough to wash my face with cold water, trying to regain some kind of composure.
When I returned to my mother’s room, everyone was present and there was a nurse standing over her, preparing to remove the respirator. The nurse explained that once removed, she would only have a few minutes before her heart would stop beating and she would be gone from us. She asked each of us if we understood what was about to happen. We nodded in turn. She then removed the respirator. We were all startled when Mother gasped for air! Her face contorted in pain. Then there was a horrible, bone-chilling moan.
"Is she in pain?!” I screamed at the nurse. “Somebody do something! She is still alive!"
“No, no she is not alive, nor does she feel any pain. This is just how the body reacts. It is very natural. She left us days ago,” the nurse explained.
I then looked at the monitor. My mother's heart rate was quickly slowing, then eventually it flat lined. The room was uncomfortably silent, but you could hear the roar of muted grief and sadness that consumed each of us. We were all remembering her in our own way.
It took me several months to get over the loss of my mother. I felt very lonely. Even after her death I was desperately seeking her love.
It almost seemed like time was moving backward for me. The closer I got to the end of my senior year in high school, the more slowly the clock ticked.
Losing my mother made me want to know who my father was. When I asked Grandma Daisy about it, she tried to tell me to leave it alone. She explained that some things are better left unknown. That was not an answer I could accept. I wanted to know that part of my past and I was determined to get answers. Grandma Daisy knew she couldn't stop me, so eventually she conceded.
The only phone number she had was John O’Malley's, Sam’s father. Giving me the number, she explained that John O’Malley was my grandfather. It suddenly struck me as odd that I didn’t know any of this. Why didn't I know this part of my life?
Grandma Daisy's lips trembled as she dialed the number and handed me the phone. I could hear the vibrating sound of the ring. Eventually there was a voice on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Are you John, I mean John O’Malley,” I asked, my voice cracking with fear.
“Yes I am. Who is this?"
“Um, Jack, Jack O’Malley.”
There was silence on the other end for an awkward moment.
“Jack?” John finally said. “Cindy's son?”
“Yes,” I answered. “Cindy is my mother.”
Breaking Brooklyn Page 14
