MACKENZIE HOLLISTER, HAVING A MELTDOWN ABOUT THAT STINK BUG IN HER HAIR!!
There she was in our French class, screaming, jumping up and down, and shaking her head like she’d lost her mind.
And get this! Someone had added MUSIC to the video. So it looked like she was doing that wacky dance that was all the rage for a hot minute called the Harlem Shake!
It was really painful to watch ! But I did watch. Because it was HILARIOUS !!
If/when MacKenzie finds out kids are passing around that AWFUL video of her, she’s going to have an EPIC meltdown.
And it’ll be ten times WORSE than the one she had over that stupid stink bug.
I have to admit, that video is just . . . CRUEL!!
Although MacKenzie is NOT my favorite person, I feel really, really SORRY for her !
NOT !!
Hey, I’m STILL traumatized from the time she took that video of me dancing and singing onstage with Brianna at Queasy Cheesy.
And then POSTED IT ON YOUTUBE !!
A VERY EMBARRASSING VIDEO OF ME DANCING AND SINGING ONSTAGE WITH MY LITTLE SISTER!
Maybe now MacKenzie will know what it feels like to be so utterly HUMILIATED that all you want to do is dig a very deep HOLE . . .
CRAWL into it . . .
And DIE!! !!
I really hope this experience teaches her a valuable lesson.
But she can consider herself LUCKY!
At least no one has put HER video on the INTERNET for millions of people to watch.
YET!!
!!
FRIDAY, APRIL 11
Dear Nikki,
Sorry, but I think you’ve just LOST something very IMPORTANT !
(Well, other than your CUTE but ADORKABLE crush, Brandon! And maybe your PRIDE!!)
Hmm . . . now, WHAT could it be?!!
Your backpack? Nope!
Your geometry textbook? Nope!
Your French homework? Nope!
How about something from that super-tacky wardrobe of yours?
I WISH!! The world would be a much better place without your HIDEOUS polyester pants !!
And where did you get those cheapo shoes?! Let me guess. They were the FREE prize in your McDonald’s Happy Meal?!
Anyway, let me start by explaining exactly how I got my hot little hands on YOUR most cherished TREASURE.
Like always, I got up at exactly 6:15 a.m., showered, and did ten minutes of yoga.
Then I had a continental breakfast with freshly squeezed orange juice, half a bagel with goat cheese, and a green smoothie, all served on a silver tray by my maid, Olga, right in my bedroom.
BTW, green smoothies are vital in helping me maintain my FLAWLESS complexion. Along with weekly visits to the U-PAY WE-SPRAY tanning salon.
Then I had to decide which of my FAB designer looks I was going to ROCK in school today. . . .
FRESH-N-FIERCE FASHIONISTA?!
BOHO BRAINS-N-BEAUTY?!
OR . . . SWEET CHIC-N-SASSY?!
Yes, I know! As always, I looked super GLAMFABULOUS in ALL my ensembles!
But after trying on all three and consulting with my personal stylist via Skype (she’s currently on tour with Taylor Swift), I chose Sweet Chic-n-Sassy.
Since Daddy was in Europe (again!) and Mommy had an extra-early appointment at the spa for a facial, our driver, Nelson, dropped me off at school in our black limo.
Which, BTW, does NOT have a six-foot-long plastic ROACH thingy on top of it!!
Like SOME people I know.
Seriously! How HUMILIATING is that?!
Sorry, but if I had to ride around in a JALOPY with a giant INSECT on top of it . . .
OMG! I CAN’T EVEN . . . !!!
I’d BLINDFOLD myself, strike a FIERCE POSE, and PAY Nelson to RUN OVER me with my LIMO.
ME, BLINDFOLDED, GETTING RUN OVER BY MY LIMO
I’d put a PAPER BAG over my head and THROW myself into the Grand Canyon!!
ME, THROWING MYSELF INTO THE GRAND CANYON!!
Or I’d smear DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS all over my body and then JUMP into the SHARK TANK at Sea World!!
ME, ABOUT TO JUMP INTO THE SHARK TANK AT SEA WORLD!!
Actually, I’m just kidding, hon !!
That GINORMOUS plastic roach is apparently an important member of your family. Because YOUR little sister told MY little sister that his name is MAX and he’s the family PET!
Nikki, you obviously have an extremely WEIRD family!! I feel SO sorry for MAX!
Anyway, as I was saying, after Nelson dropped me off at school I headed straight to my locker to put on more lip gloss and—
OOPSIE! Someone is coming down the hall!
So, unfortunately, I have to stop writing now.
And, Nikki, you’d NEVER guess who that “someone” is!!
It’s YOU, hon ! You and your silly friends, Chloe and Zoey, are giggling and scampering down the hall like a pack of socially challenged CHIPMUNKS!
You obviously have no idea that your precious little DIARY is missing!! Yes! I said DIARY!!
I can’t wait to see you have a BIG FAT HISSY FIT when you finally realize it’s gone!
But for now I’ll just hide it in my new Verna Bradshaw designer handbag that I bought (on sale for 20% off!) at the mall yesterday.
Next period I plan to get a bathroom pass from our French teacher. And while you’re busily conjugating verbs, I’ll be READING your diary !
TOODLES!
SATURDAY, APRIL 12
Dear Nikki,
I have no idea why you spend hours and hours writing in this stupid little diary of yours.
But let me guess! It’s because you seriously need to GET A LIFE!
When I want to share my life experiences or vent about something, I just talk to Mommy and Daddy.
Of course, sometimes Mommy is super busy being a socialite and doing charity work.
And sometimes Daddy is super busy building his multimillion-dollar business empire.
But when my very dedicated parents can’t spend quality time with me (which I have to admit happens far too frequently these days), I can always rely on Dr. Hadley, my therapist.
He will listen to me patiently for an ENTIRE hour as long as Daddy pays him $480 a session. AND I get to go TWICE a week if I want to!! How COOL is that?! I’m a VERY lucky girl ! But please don’t be jealous of me, okay?
I feel really SORRY for you, Nikki, because ALL you have for emotional support are your very WEIRD parents. And this STUPID little diary.
And nobody else cares about you! Except maybe your bratty little sister, Brianna. Oh, and Chloe and Zoey. And probably Marcy, Violet, and Jenny. Of course, there’s also Theo and Marcus.
But Brandon? Rumor has it that he’s so OVER you ! Sorry, hon, but your BOO has moved on.
My point is that YOU have no REAL friends WHATSOEVER!
And you’re insanely JEALOUS that the CCPs practically WORSHIP the ground I walk on!!
Anyway, I need to make one thing perfectly clear:
I DID NOT STEAL YOUR DIARY!
I have way too much integrity to stoop that low. Besides, Daddy would buy me an entire DIARY FACTORY in some poor third-world country if I really wanted one! Just sayin’.
He mostly gives me everything I want, especially if I throw a temper tantrum about it. And Mommy says I’m an even bigger DRAMA QUEEN than SHE is ! They both SO adore me!
So, yesterday I was on my way to my locker to freshen up my lip gloss. My stylist says you can NEVER wear too much lip gloss!
YOU had just rushed off to class, when I witnessed a very CATASTROPHIC event. . . .
ME, IN TOTAL SHOCK THAT YOUR LOCKER DOOR DIDN’T CLOSE DUE TO YOUR VERY UGLY PUKE-COLORED COAT!!
That coat of yours was so HIDEOUS that it gave me hives. I seriously contemplated dialing 911 for an ambulance.
But not for ME! I wanted them to transport your puke-colored coat to the city DUMP. And then BURN it as a public health hazard.
And YES, Nikki, I sincerely did try to a
lert you to the fact that your coat sleeve was stuck in your locker door.
But due to my severe allergic reaction to your coat, all I could muster was a weak and very hoarse whisper that you apparently didn’t hear.
Of course, ALL of this was totally YOUR fault! WHY any rational HUMAN BEING would wear a PUKE-COLORED coat to school is beyond explanation, logic, and reason!!
Seriously, I CAN’T EVEN . . . !!!
Anyway, by the time I started to recover from the HORROR I’d just experienced, you had already hopped happily down the hall like some CLUELESS little bunny and disappeared.
That’s when I became so worried about your open locker that I went into a full-blown PANIC ATTACK!!
What if someone stole your textbooks? Our school would suffer a financial loss!
What if someone stole your house keys? Your family’s safety would be at risk!
What if someone stole your coat? They’d leave it in the woods so that a pregnant stray cat could have her kittens on it!
So, Nikki, in spite of the fact that I basically HATE YOUR GUTS (just kidding, hon !), I decided to do the responsible thing and take measures to protect your most valuable and treasured personal possession.
ME, HEROICALLY CONFISCATING YOUR DIARY BEFORE IT COULD GET STOLEN AND READ BY THE ENTIRE SCHOOL!!
As you can see, I did not STEAL your diary!! Actually, you should THANK ME for what I did! Because otherwise, the pages containing your deepest, darkest secrets would be plastered all over the hallways by now.
I had every intention of returning your diary to you before social studies. But I barely got to class on time since I had to stop by the girls’ bathroom to brush my hair.
And then I planned to give it back to you after gym class. But our gym teacher made me run three extra laps for talking to Jessica about your disgusting puke-colored coat during exercises.
And lastly, I was going to give it to you in bio. But I was preoccupied FLIRTING with BRANDON, while you watched and pretended that you WEREN’T insanely jealous !
So at the end of the day I was FORCED to take your diary home with me for safekeeping!
To be very honest, Nikki, I’ve never liked you because I didn’t really know you! And I’m guessing that you probably don’t like me because you don’t really know me.
So the fact that I’m reading your diary is actually a GOOD thing! I’m learning about your hopes, dreams, and fears, and all your deepest, darkest secrets.
And so that YOU can get to know ME better, I’m going to write some entries in your diary about me and my life!
I’ll also DRAW in your diary so that you can see what a fabulously talented artist I am.
But please! Don’t believe for one minute that you are actually as pretty as I am sketching you on these pages. I refuse to draw ugly people because they literally make me nauseous!
Anyway, Nikki, I really hope you enjoy reading . . .
THE MACKENZIE DIARIES: TALES FROM A NOT-SO-DORKY DRAMA QUEEN
WELCOME TO MY WORLD, HON!!!
TOODLES!
SUNDAY, APRIL 13
Dear Nikki,
Today was so . . . totally FREAKY! Why?
Because I had a full-blown FASHION EMERGENCY!
OMG! I got a little dizzy and my palms actually started to sweat. EWW!!
My fashion stylist (who, BTW, is now on tour with Ariana Grande) says one should NEVER sweat! One should just . . . GLOW!
Anyway, it was vital that I rush out to the mall to find the PERFECT blouse to wear to school on Monday.
It needed to be:
Cute, but not too immature.
Classy, but not too boring.
Bold, but not too tacky.
Trendy, but not too faddish.
Finally, after shopping for what seemed like FOREVER, I found not one, not two, but THREE fabulous designer blouses!
And since I couldn’t make up my mind which one I loved best, I decided to buy all THREE of them for only $689.32!
WHY?! Because I COULD!!
Yay ME !!
Please don’t HATE me because I’m rich!!
Then I rushed home and locked myself in my bedroom.
I had to make the very difficult decision of which blouse would best complement your MY diary!!
ME, TRYING TO DECIDE WHICH FABULOUS BLOUSE BEST MATCHES YOUR MY DIARY!
However, the last thing I needed was for some CRAZY girl at school to SEE me with HER DIARY and accuse me of STEALING it!
Of course, initially no one would believe her because of my reputation for being a very kind and honest individual.
But if she told Principal Winston, there was a chance I could get BUSTED with it in my purse.
Which would mean an automatic suspension from WCD!!
And what if I was forced to attend a PUBLIC school?! Just like the ones I see on television?!
EWW !!
Was this diary worth ALL that?!
I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and decided right then and there to do the ONLY thing that made sense.
ME, VERY INGENIOUSLY COVERING THE DIARY WITH FABRIC SO NO ONE WILL RECOGNIZE IT!!
YES! I know! I’m a BEAUTIFUL GENIUS !!
It took me TWO whole hours to cover the diary with the leopard-print fabric from my brand-new designer blouse.
And when I finally finished, I was totally blown away by how FANTASTIC it looked.
The entire experience was so exciting and inspiring that I actually started to sweat GLOW!
That’s when I rushed right back to the mall (thank goodness it hadn’t closed yet!) and purchased another designer blouse, black leather pants, boots, and sunglasses.
Because tomorrow I plan to show off your MY new diary to EVERYONE at school!
YAY ME!! !
Anyway, even though your diary only covered nine days in April, one thing is abundantly clear, Nikki. . . .
YOU ARE ONE. SICK. LITTLE. COOKIE!!
Seriously, I can’t believe I wasted hours of my life reading all this whiny, fabricated garbage.
Everything you wrote was like, “MacKenzie did THIS to me!” and “MacKenzie did THAT to me!” as if I’M the dysfunctional one!
Are you for real?! #Girlbye!
You are DELUSIONAL if you think you’re the victim here!
Just face the truth!
You’ve been INSANELY JEALOUS of me from day one and are OBSESSED with trying to RUIN my life!
Brandon and I would be an item by now if you hadn’t made him feel SORRY for you with all your “CUTE-N-DORKY” little antics.
You are BEYOND evil, Nikki Maxwell!
And you LIE so much, you should seriously consider a career in politics!
I think YOU need my therapist, Dr. Hadley, WAY more than I do!
I realize all the stuff I’m saying to you may sound cold, cruel, and mean. But I’m just being totally HONEST with you, Nikki.
Sorry I’m NOT sorry !!
TOODLES!
MONDAY, APRIL 14
Dear Nikki,
Today was a super EXCITING day for me!
How was YOUR day, hon?
NOT very good? I thought so!
Especially after I saw you MOPING around school like a sad little puppy with your pathetic BFFs, Chloe and Zoey, trailing behind you. You guys looked really worried and appeared to be searching for something.
I wonder what?!
But enough about YOU! Let’s talk about ME !!
Didn’t you just LOVE the brand-new designer outfit that I wore to school today?
It actually matched your MY diary!!
ME, KILLIN’ IT IN MY NEW OUTFIT WITH MATCHING DIARY!!
I think my new leopard-print cover looks ten times better than YOUR tacky blue-jean cover.
And that cute little pocket was SO immature!
Anyway, Nikki, when you and your BFFs walked up to your locker, I was standing just inches away from you, writing in your MY diary!
OMG! It was SURREAL!
But because I am a very
compassionate person and you were obviously super upset about something, I asked you if anything was wrong.
“Excuse me, Nikki, but WHY are you throwing your JUNK all over the hallway? This is NOT your bedroom! WHAT is WRONG with you?!” I asked sweetly.
“Sorry, MacKenzie. We’ll clean up my stuff in a minute,” you said, rolling your sad eyes at me. “But right now we’re busy looking for something really important, okay?”
ME, WATCHING YOU DESPERATELY SEARCH FOR YOUR LOST DIARY!!
“Oh, really? Maybe I can help you find it. So, what did you lose, Nikki?” I asked, trying my best to be helpful.
That’s when you, Chloe, and Zoey nervously glanced at each other and started whispering.
“So now it’s a big secret?!” I asked, getting a little impatient. “Well . . . WHAT did you lose?!”
Then the three of you answered at exactly the same time. . . .
“Homework!” said Zoey.
“Sweater!” said Chloe.
“Cell phone!” you said.
“Wait a minute!” I exclaimed, totally confused. “WHAT exactly did you lose?!”
“Sweater!” said Zoey.
“Cell phone!” said Chloe.
“Homework!” you said.
You guys were obviously LYING to me, but I just played along with your little charade.
“So you lost homework, a sweater, AND a cell phone?!” I asked suspiciously.
Chloe and Zoey answered “No!” at the exact same time that you answered “Yes!”
Then Chloe and Zoey changed THEIR answer to “Yes!” at the same exact time that you changed YOUR answer to “No!”
And get this! THEN you all gave each other dirty looks and started whispering again. But I just played right along.
Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen Page 4
