If she shows up, she truly cares about you and you can consider yourself lucky that you have a very special friendship! Awwww !!!
However, if your friend doesn’t show up, it means she’s still pretty ticked off at you and possibly never really cared to begin with. If that happens, my advice is to just get over her and move on!
Because, dude, there are plenty of fish in the sea! Including ME !
Sincerely,
Miss Know-It-All
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
OMG!! Nikki, are YOU thinking what I’M thinking?!
It’s very possible that this letter came from YOUR crush, Brandon! YAY YOU !!
And if it did, I’ll admit that I’m a little jealous that Brandon wrote to Miss Know-It-All about YOU and not ME!
Unfortunately, he seems to genuinely care about you in spite of the fact that you’re a total LOSER!
But sometimes life is NOT fair and people get things that they DON’T deserve!
Most students work really hard to be successful.
And some are naturally gifted, like . . . ME!
Then there are people who CHEAT their way to the top, like . . . YOU!
Yes! I’m STILL traumatized by that talent show!
My dance troupe, Mac’s Maniacs, WON because of my mad skillz, edgy styling, and phenomenal choreography!
We KILLED IT!!
Your DORKY band, Actually, I’m Not Really Sure Yet, was a big fat JOKE!
Seriously, Nikki, your singing sounded like a screeching cat with a violent case of diarrhea!
But in spite of the fact that I kicked your butt onstage, it was YOU who became a local celebrity, teen pop princess, and star of your very OWN reality television show!
EXCUSE ME?!! How did THAT happen?!!
You’re definitely NOT pretty enough to get by on just your looks like most of the tone-deaf female pop stars today.
But I know your little secret!
You’re a MASTER MANIPULATOR!
You BRAINWASH people to make them give you whatever you want!
Or you make them feel so SORRY for you that they’re overcome with GUILT and give you whatever you want.
So just enjoy your fifteen minutes of fame while you can, you CHEATING, NO-TALENT POSEUR!
One thing is for sure . . . you will NEVER get invited to attend the GRAMMY AWARDS!
Unless it’s to EXTERMINATE the FLIES, FLEAS, and HEAD LICE on those passed-out ROCK STARS who haven’t bathed in two years!!
YOU, EXTERMINATING ROCK STARS AT THE GRAMMYS!
Just thinking about all of this makes me so mad I could just . . .
SCREEEEEEEAM! !!
But I’m not going to get MAD!!
I’m going to get EVEN! !!
By helping YOU with your Miss Know-It-All column!
And to show you what a great job I’m doing, every day I’ll share a few of my favorite SUPER-MEAN letters.
TOODLES!
SATURDAY, APRIL 19
Dear Nikki,
OMG! Yesterday I thought I was going to EXPLODE with excitement! You will NEVER believe what actually happened!
No, I didn’t go to the mall and buy you a new wardrobe to replace the tacky clothing you purchased on clearance at Rite-Aim.
Don’t LIE to me, Nikki!!
I swear! I saw YOUR JEANS right next to the adult diapers display when I stopped by there to pick up more lip gloss!
Okay, so remember that advice letter I wrote and sent to MASSIVELY CRUDDY FRIEND?
Well, Nikki, guess what I saw taped to your locker right before biology class?! And guess WHO it was from?!
ME, GUSHING OVER THE LETTER BRANDON LEFT FOR YOU!!
Okay, I’ll admit that it makes me a little irritated REALLY FURIOUS that Brandon seems to adore you so much.
But can you blame me?!
He’s supposed to be MY boyfriend!!
And yes! I was totally DEVASTATED when I saw Brandon kiss you at that charity event!
But then I had an epiphany and totally understood why he did it.
Brandon is a kind, caring, and compassionate person.
Which is probably why he totally IGNORES ME and instead hangs out with all of those pesky, flea-infested little furballs at Fuzzy Friends every day after school!
He’s also very cool, super cute, and extremely mature for his age.
Like, how many guys would literally FORCE themselves to kiss a DONKEY FACE like yours in order to save the needy children of the world?!
BRANDON, KISSING YOUR DONKEY FACE JUST TO SAVE THE NEEDY CHILDREN OF THE WORLD!!!
Then I started HEARD the nasty rumor that Brandon kissed you on a DARE just to get a Queasy Cheesy pizza!
So, Nikki, I hope you understand that his kiss actually meant nothing at all. Brandon and I were made for each other! He just doesn’t know it yet.
And even though you don’t deserve it, I DO plan to invite you to OUR wedding when we get married in ten years!
Brandon and I would be VERY honored if you’d agree to be a special guest and participate in our ceremony.
OMG! It’s going to be SO romantic when we release a hundred doves as a symbol of our love soaring to new heights in the infinite sky!
And, Nikki, we’ll need YOU up front with us on our special day . . .
. . .TO CLEAN UP ALL OF THAT NASTY BIRD POOP!!
Yes, Nikki! On my wedding day I will FINALLY get even with you for making me scrub those filthy showers in detention! They were the LONGEST three days of my entire LIFE!
SERIOUSLY! That place was an ICKY mildew-and-bug-infested NIGHTMARE! There were more species of INSECTS in there than in the Amazon rain forest!!
I pulled enough HAIR out of the drains to start my own weave business! And I almost puked when I found a hairball the size of a chubby rat!
Sorry to break the news to you, Nikki, but MacKenzie Hollister DOES NOT CLEAN!
Please don’t be jealous, but I’ve had a MAID cleaning up after me since I was three months old.
I thought all I had to do was spray stuff with that foamy cleaner and then all of those smiling Scrubbing Bubbles thingies from the commercial would show up and do all the nasty grunt work!!
But that DIDN’T happen!! I was SO confused!!
So of course I spent, like, two hours CRYING into my MOP BUCKET before my EVIL gym teacher came in and YELLED at me!!
And when I explained that the Scrubbing Bubbles thingies never showed up to help me clean, she said I was “talking crazy” and sent me down to the nurse’s office for possible overexposure to toxic fumes!!
Even now, I can STILL smell the faint stench of ammonia, mildew, and “lemony-fresh scent” on my hands. And it’s all YOUR fault, Nikki!!
So after seeing that letter Brandon left on your locker, I did what any poor girl would do who was suffering from a very severe case of Post-Detention Stress Syndrome. . . .
ME, STEALING YOUR LETTER DUE TO POST-DETENTION STRESS SYNDROME
Anyway, while we were in class listening to our bio teacher ramble on and on about, um . . . ???
Actually, I don’t have the SLIGHTEST idea what that stupid teacher was rambling about. I didn’t hear a single word she said because I was totally distracted READING the letter Brandon wrote to you.
OMG! It was so DISGUSTINGLY sweet, sincere, and apologetic, I almost threw up the tofu burger I’d eaten for lunch!
It was very difficult for me to sit in class and watch you and Brandon act like two LOVESICK little LOVEBIRDS!
He stared at you the ENTIRE time, wondering if you’d read his letter.
But, of course, you just totally IGNORED him like he was a huge WAD OF GUM someone had chewed and then stuck under your desk.
ME, READING BRANDON’S LETTER WHILE HE STARES AT YOU AND YOU TOTALLY IGNORE HIM!!
OMG! The entire situation made me so ANGRY and FRUSTRATED that I wanted to . . .
SCREEEEEEEEAM!! !!!
But of course I couldn’t, because then I would h
ave gotten ANOTHER detention! And Principal Winston would have forced me to clean those nasty showers AGAIN !!
EXCUSE ME! But I’m STILL suffering from a very severe case of Post-Detention Stress Syndrome from my LAST detention, which was all YOUR fault!
Anyway, Nikki, the good news is that everything worked out just as I had planned!! YAY ME !!
Brandon was so desperate to make up with you that he followed every last detail of my Miss Know-It-All advice letter!
And because you never got the letter he left for you on your locker . . .
HE PATIENTLY WAITED FOR YOU AT THE CUPCAKERY FOR TWO HOURS, AND YOU NEVER SHOWED UP!
When Brandon finally gave up and left, he looked absolutely MISERABLE.
I felt SO sorry for the poor guy!
It was quite obvious he was DEVASTATED.
Probably because my Miss Know-It-All advice letter stated that if his friend (YOU!) didn’t bother to show up at the CupCakery after getting his letter, it meant . . .
1. She was SO over him! Or . . .
2. She NEVER really cared about him to begin with.
Yes, I know!! You never GOT his letter!
OOPS!! MY BAD !!
Sorry I’m NOT sorry!
But don’t worry, Nikki.
The hurt and anger he’s feeling right now won’t last forever.
And maybe one day he’ll forgive you for ripping out his heart, tossing it in the dirt, and then stomping all over it with your dorky pink high-top sneakers.
TOODLES!
MY MISS KNOW-IT-ALL MEANEST LETTER OF THE DAY
Dear Miss Know-It-All,
Could a popular boy ever fall for a nerdy girl? I have a huge crush on a boy in my chemistry class, but we hang in different circles. His friends are jocks and cheerleaders, and my friends and I are in the chess club.
He’s actually really nice and shares some of my interests. But when his friends are around, things just get awkward. They bully me and try to convince him I’m a loser. Although he stands up for me, I’m just afraid one day he’ll believe them!
Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to study with him at the library, and I almost DIED! I think he likes me okay as a friend, but it makes me wonder if he LIKE likes me! I really want to believe it’s true, but my friends are skeptical. They say popular boys never date outside their clique.
Are they right, or do you think I have a chance?
—Geek Girl
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Dear Geek Girl,
Are you kidding me?? Wake up and smell the caramel macchiato! He’s not interested in you, Boo Boo!
You need to get your head out of your Lord of the Rings book and learn that reality and fantasy are two different things. Love is not blind, and popular kids and nerds do NOT mix! If they got along, we wouldn’t need cliques! Can you imagine how horrible the world would be without them? Who would I make fun of?!
Anyway, your friends are right to burst your bubble. Boys think you’re gross! As for your library date with your crush, he’s just studying with you to improve his grades. Lemme speak in Nerdese so you understand: You’re getting played like a pawn in chess! #Checkmate!
Sorry, but there’s no romance in your future. If you’re so smart, why couldn’t you figure it out on your own?! I have better things to do than waste time on these stupid letters! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get a manicure.
Toodles!
Miss Know-It-All
SUNDAY, APRIL 20
Dear Nikki,
I am SO excited! Daddy will be returning home from his business trip tomorrow evening.
So I plan to ask BEG my parents to let me transfer to North Hampton Hills International Academy.
I arranged for Nelson to take me to the mall today to buy my new school uniform.
My problem was that I only had $293 left over from my $500 monthly clothing allowance !! And I ALSO needed to buy a handbag, jewelry, and hair accessories to match.
So when Mom gave me $100 to babysit my bratty little sister, Amanda, while she went to the country club to brunch with friends, I decided NOT to have my usual hissy fit.
AMANDA AND ME, TAKING THE LIMO TO THE MALL TO SHOP FOR MY NEW SCHOOL UNIFORM!
We arrived at the mall and took the escalator down to the huge, upscale department store that sold school uniforms.
“I love, love, love shopping!!” Amanda squealed. “I’m gonna buy a Princess Sugar Plum purse!”
“No, you don’t understand, Amanda! YOU’RE not shopping! I AM!” I corrected her.
“But I wanna shop TOO!” she said, stomping her foot angrily. “Or you’ll be SORRY . . .!”
“Excuse me? WHAT are you going to do? Wet your pants?” I asked sarcastically.
That’s when Amanda suddenly started breathing really hard, hiccupping, and twitching. Did I mention that my little sister is the QUEEN of kiddie tantrums?
As her shrill voice reverberated through the mall, everyone stopped what they were doing to STARE at us.
OMG! I was SO EMBARRASSED!!
“Amanda!” I hissed. “Shut up before they call security and kick us out of the mall!” But that only made her scream LOUDER!
Lucky for me, I knew exactly how to deal with the little BRAT! I grabbed her hand and rushed past the food court, Toy City, and Puppy Palace to KANDY KINGDOM playland. As soon as Amanda saw it, she stopped screaming and squealed with delight! Thank goodness for short attention spans!
“You can play here while I shop, Amanda. If you need me, I’ll be right next door trying on clothes in those fitting rooms with the pink curtains,” I said, pointing about twenty-fve yards away. “And don’t you dare leave playland. I’m going to be keeping an eye on you from my dressing room.”
“Okay, bye!” Amanda said, and ran off to join a group of kids on the slide.
Before you judge me for leaving Amanda at playland, put yourself in MY shoes heels.
How could I concentrate on finding the uniform and cute accessories with her screaming her bratty little head off like that?
I could NOT risk a fashion misstep, especially when I have a new school to impress.
Anyway, once inside the store, I discovered a ton of new summer arrivals!
I couldn’t resist trying on just a few of them!
Before I knew it, my dressing room was overflowing with clothes.
It was hard to stop because I looked so FAB in EVERYTHING!
“Miss . . . I think you’ve tried on everything we have in the juniors, designer teens, prom gown, swimsuit, and shoe departments!” the exhausted sales assistant muttered. “Will you be purchasing any of these items today?”
“No thanks! That was just a try-on-a-thon!” I replied. “All I need is the North Hampton Hills school uniform. You can put all this stuff back!”
I don’t know what the lady’s problem was, but she started doing the same angry twitch thing that Amanda does.
“Of course, miss,” she said through gritted teeth. “I’ll go get my moving truck and be right back.”
Note to self: Get her fired and sue the store!
Suddenly a disembodied head popped into my dressing room.
OMG! It almost SCARED the Mountain’s Peak spring water out of me.
IT WAS AMANDA, RUDELY DROPPING IN TO SHARE HER UNWANTED FASHION ADVICE!!
“HELP!! It’s a big, hairy RAT!” I screamed, and jumped onto a chair. “Oh! It’s just you, Amanda. Sorry!”
“Well, I’M sorry YOU look like a PIG in lip gloss wearing a school uniform!” she snickered.
“Why don’t you go back to Kandy Kingdom and accidentally fall off the slide?” I said, throwing a sock at her.
“I came to get a tissue for my snotty nose,” Amanda sniffed. “I need to get one from your purse, okay?”
“Go right ahead. Just please stop BUGGING me!” I replied. “All this stress is giving me premature wrinkles!” I checked my face in the mirror and gushed. “False alarm. I’m STILL gorgeous!”
Amanda grabbed my purse and turned it upside down, dumping all my stuff onto the floor.
“Seriously?! WHAT are you doing?!!” I yelled.
AMANDA, TRASHING MY PURSE!!
I ignored the brat and went back to admiring my new uniform in the mirror. There was no doubt about it! I was KILLIN’ IT!!
“Thanks, MacKenzie!” Amanda beamed as she gave me a big hug. “You’re the BEST big sister EVER! I LOVE you! Have fun! Bye.”
Now, that was a little odd. Amanda seemed REALLY thankful to get that tissue.
I found a leather-and-plaid purse that matched my skirt PERFECTLY! I also snagged the cutest jewelry and hair accessories! The best part was that everything was on sale.
YAY ME !!
The saleslady at the register was super friendly. “My niece and nephew both go to North Hampton Hills. You’re going to LOVE it there!” she said after I explained that I was transferring.
She wrapped all my items in tissue, placed them in a huge shopping bag, and then handed it to me.
“Okay, miss! Your total today is $357. Will that be cash or charge?”
“Cash, please,” I said as I dug through my purse to retrieve my wallet. But for some reason, I couldn’t find it. I giggled nervously at the saleslady and placed my purse on the counter. Then I very carefully looked through it again. Still no wallet.
In a panic, I turned it upside down and dumped it. Everything was there but my wallet. “OMG!” I finally cried. “I can’t find my wallet!”
The saleslady gave me a dirty look and snatched the shopping bag from me like I was going to sneak out with it or something.
Tales from a Not-So-Dorky Drama Queen Page 6
