by Syd Parker
“Mmm.” Lex nodded in agreement. “That’s true. What else?”
“You love her.” Aspen offered quietly. This one was hard to say. It was strange to be talking about another woman, as though they were locker room buddies, but she needed to try to define the relationship.
“Do I?” Lex asked quietly.
“You did before this.” For some reason, Aspen felt the need to push Lex away again. It felt safer to have her with Cassidy then single. That was too dangerous in her mind. It opened way too many doors that she didn’t want opened.
Lex shrugged. “Maybe, maybe not. Perhaps I was just looking for someone to fill the void.”
“That’s a horrible thing to say.” Aspen laughed as she said it. “You wouldn’t have asked her to marry you if you didn’t feel something.”
Lex snorted loudly. “I didn’t exactly ask her to marry me. Cass is…well Cass is a take charge kind of girl. She said we are getting married, and that was that.”
“Mmm, romantic.” Aspen teased. “I can see why you are dying to get her back.”
Lex smacked Aspen on the leg. “Quit it, you! She’s a nice girl…most of the time.”
“Sounds like it.” Aspen felt herself relax. This part felt better. She finally admitted that perhaps they could be friends. She would take their history, and all the feelings that they shared and lock them up in a tiny box and hide them as far away as possible, tucked somewhere in the darkest recesses of her mind. That was how she would deal with them; at least for the next few weeks. Once the divorce was final, they could go their separate ways; have a few awkward conversations before finally drifting apart. She swallowed the lump in her throat at the thought of one last good-bye. It was almost more than she could take. “I forgot how picky you were.”
“Hey.” Lex feigned offense. “I’m not picky. I just got spoiled by the best.” Lex picked at a thread on her jeans distractedly. “So what about you?”
“What about me?” Aspen crinkled her brow.
Lex was silent for several more seconds, her thoughts seemingly occupied by a wayward thread. “Are you going to start dating again?”
Aspen gasped loudly. “What are you saying? That I don’t date? That I sat around this whole five years and waited for you?” Her eyes twinkled, belying the sarcasm in her voice.
“Touche.” Lex smiled ruefully. “Just making conversation…since you won’t take me up on my offer. Figured I would see what your type was.”
Aspen looked at Lex askance, stopping short of rolling her eyes.
“Okay, okay, I know that I’m your type.” Lex’s tone was self-deprecating. “Man, you don’t set your bar very high, do you?”
It was Aspen’s turn to punch Lex. “Shut up!” She looked away shyly. “You were the most amazing woman I’ve ever been with.”
“But?”
Aspen lifted her brow and gave Lex a sideways glance. “Really?” This time she did nothing to hide the sarcasm.
Lex chuckled softly. “Sorry, this friend thing is a bit weird. I’m trying, but I’m not sure yet how to be around you.”
“Be normal, silly.” Aspen teased. “Pretend like we are friends and always have been.”
“Oh, and just ignore all our history?”
“Or at least pretend to.” She caught the look that Lex shot her and laughed. “What? Lesbians do that all the time. Why do you think everyone is friends with their ex? Or at least acts like it.” Aspen got up and grabbed the wine bottle from the kitchen. “I have a feeling, we might need this.”
Lex waited while she refilled their glasses. She grabbed hers and took a sip while she ruminated on what Aspen had said. Sure, most of the women she knew were friends with their exes. But could they really be just friends? She seriously doubted it, but knew she would try just to keep Aspen in her life. “Seriously though, what would your type be? In case I want to fix you up.”
“Don’t you dare.” Aspen laughed sarcastically. “I do not need you fixing me up.”
“Fair enough.” Lex winked and smiled saucily. She missed this part of their relationship sometimes more than anything else. The easy-going banter they shared. She missed just being with the woman who had captured her heart and her mind all those years ago. Nothing and no one ever felt like it had with Aspen. She was special and Lex knew she would never be able to forget the bond they shared. “Just for fun then.”
Aspen swirled the liquid in her glass as she gave some consideration to Lex’s question. Did she really know what her type was? Had she given any serious thought to it? Honestly, she probably hadn’t even considered dating anyone for the last five years. She had lived them all in a fog, and truthfully she didn’t know what she would look for in a woman. Sad, really; that she let so much time go by locked up in her past. She finally chuckled wryly. “God, I really don’t know.”
“Blonde? Brunette? Maybe a spicy redhead?” Lex continued to tease. “Maybe you like the artsy type. Purple hair, flighty, forgets to eat.”
“Quit it!” Aspen smiled despite herself. “Are you calling me flighty? And the purple hair was an accident, and you know it!”
Lex’s laughter filled the small room. “It was cute, though.”
“It was so embarrassing!” Aspen buried her head in her hand and shook it from side to side. “That was the last time I ever considered coloring my own hair.”
“Thank God.” Lex pulled away from the hand that came flying her way. “Hey, I’m just kidding. Never could stand up to the left hook.”
“Damn straight, and don’t you forget it!” Aspen leaned back against the couch, smiling anew. “You know I’ve never really thought about a type. I think I just go on whoever attracts me. You know I’m a sucker for a beautiful smile.”
Lex’s smile widened until she had the most ridiculous, toothy grin on her face. At first glance, she looked like the joker. She held it as long as she could before dissolving into laughter.
Aspen snorted loudly. “Oh God, that was the most unattractive thing I’ve ever seen. Talk about creepy.”
“So you’re saying that you’re not attracted to this?” Lex gestured to her face and pasted another smarmy smile on her face.
Aspen doubled over; her arm wrapped around her waist. “Seriously, you have to stop. I can’t breathe.”
“Or this.” Lex waggled her eyebrows suggestively, all the while posturing in the most ridiculous poses she could think of.
Aspen’s breath came in short gasps as she struggled to stop laughing. When she finally got herself under control, she shook her finger at Lex. “If this is your way of getting me to tell you my type, I can now say any woman who is the complete opposite of you.”
Lex’s mouth dropped in shock, and despite her best efforts to feign indignation, she couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “It’s cool. I know you want me.”
Aspen lost herself in laughter this time. She had to admit this felt good. Just being with Lex with no pressure for anything else was a huge relief. Maybe she would be able to survive the next three weeks. “Yes Lex, I can’t help myself. You’re just so damn irresistible.”
“Mmhmm, totally irresistible.” Aspen winked, tempering her sarcasm. “The one thing I always wanted was someone who was a diehard romantic like my uncle Neal. I miss him.”
“He was something special.” Lex smiled nostalgically. “I’ll never forget our wedding video.”
“Oh, I know.” Aspen agreed quietly. “I didn’t even realize he spent all those months taking pictures and putting it together. When “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel started playing, I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house.”
Lex shook her head. “I know. He caught moments with us that I didn’t even remember. He captured our love perfectly.”
“Yes, he did.” Aspen laughed quietly. “God, I just remembered something I hadn’t thought about in years. It was one summer; I think I was eight maybe. It rained all spring and half the summer. You know Aunt Ginny is a sun person, and the rain was taking its toll on h
er. I think Uncle Neal was fit to be tied that year. Aunt Ginny was so moody that summer, even to me. One day she was bitching about the weather and not getting to have any picnics. Unbeknownst to her, my uncle set up a picnic on the lawn, even went as far as putting up this huge umbrella. When he told her, he was taking her on a picnic and showed her the spot, I thought she was going to lose it. He just smiled obligingly and walked out in the rain by himself. It took her a few minutes watching him make a fool of himself for her in the rain just to give her a picnic before she moved. By the end of it, they were laughing and dancing in the rain. He was such a fool for her.”
Lex smiled. “That’s a sweet story.”
“He loved her so much.” Aspen ran her finger along the edge of her glass. “I guess I want someone like that; a woman who will stand in the rain and make a fool of herself for me. A woman who is willing to do anything to show me she loves me. Is that asking too much?”
Lex sipped her wine and shook her head. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, anyway.” Aspen sighed loudly. “What about you? Now that you and Cass aren’t together…”
“Mmm, I don’t know.” Lex shrugged. “I haven’t really thought about it. Cass wants to meet and talk things over. I get the feeling she isn’t walking away without a fight.”
“You know she doesn’t seem all bad. You should give her a chance.” Aspen said it so nonchalantly that she surprised herself. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to disconnect and talk about this part of Lex’s life without pain. It seemed, at least for now, that she could compartmentalize the Lex and Aspen history enough to at least carry on a conversation. “I am sure she really loves you.”
Lex nodded, but didn’t reply.
“Be honest with yourself, Lex.” Aspen cautioned. “Do you want to make the same mistake twice? Why do you keep running from love? That’s the thing you need to think about.”
“I know.” Lex said quietly. “I do love Cass. It’s just different and all this time together reminded me that sometimes you find magic. I don’t think that happens twice.”
“It won’t if you keep holding on to the past and not letting people in.” Aspen set her empty glass down and turned to face Lex again, pulling her legs onto the couch. “Tell me something good that you love about her.”
Lex eyed Aspen in disbelief. Was she really sitting here discussing her current girlfriend, well ex-girlfriend, with Aspen? “Can I just say this is a bit weird?”
Aspen chuckled softly. “Umm, yeah, you can. Is it bad?”
“No.” Lex shook her head quickly. “Just weird.” Lex stared into the fireplace, her hand pulling on her hair despite not having it in a ponytail. Her mind wandered several moments before she finally answered. “Cass is so focused on what’s going on in her world, almost to the point of being self-absorbed.”
Aspen snorted. “I said give me something good.”
“I am.” Lex rolled her eyes. “Patience, my dear. Everything is right here in Cass’s world.” Lex gestured with her hands directly in front of her face, accentuating the narrow space right in front of her eyes. “Especially when she has a new clothing line coming out, but there is always a part of her that is sweet and considerate. She invariably leaves something in my bag when I’m traveling- a note, some small token of her love. She never forgets that.”
“Okay, that’s a start.”
Lex smiled. “It’s a small one, but yes, it’s a start.”
“What made you fall in love with her in the first place?” Aspen asked softly. It made her heart ache to ask the question, and she wasn’t sure she could hear the answer, but this was part of healing and moving on, and she needed both.
Lex chuckled softly and ran her hand over her hair. “Cass is different than anyone I’ve ever met. She’s pure energy in this small package. When she walks into a room, you can’t help but notice her. She sort of pulls you in and holds on tight.”
“I can see why you fell for her.” Aspen's voice trembled, and she hoped Lex hadn’t picked up on it. “She sounds very special.”
“A, it’s not like that.” Lex searched Aspen’s face, holding her gaze. “I’m not even sure the moment I fell in love with Cass. It was like we met and then one day we had moved in together, and then we were in love. There was no defining moment, it just was.”
“How is that different than falling in love normally?” Aspen pushed for an explanation despite her better judgment.
“It wasn’t like with you.” Lex dropped her gaze, unable to look into Aspen’s eyes any longer. “When I saw you for the first time, my world exploded. I felt life pouring into my soul, electricity scorching every fiber in my body. You reached in and filled every part of my being without even trying. With you, I fell in love the second I saw you and my heart knew it would be forever yours.”
“Oh.” Aspen couldn’t respond. She couldn’t breathe. She had known better than to ask a question that she already knew the answer to. How could she not? She had felt the same magic that Lex did.
“Magic doesn’t happen twice, A.” Lex touched her arm softly. “If you’re lucky, you get to keep that feeling. If not, you take what you can get. Some people don’t ever get to feel what we felt. I should be happy I got to burn bright for a moment.”
“I don’t know what to say to that.” Aspen was at a loss for words. She did what she normally did when she was overwhelmed emotionally. She sat silently for several moments, biting back tears.
“Aww, honey.” Lex tried to soothe Aspen, rubbing her arm absentmindedly. “I didn’t mean to make you sad. You asked a question and I just ended up here. I can’t lie. I love Cass, but nothing, and I mean nothing, will ever compare to what I had with you. I didn’t realize at the time what I was giving up. I was young and stupid and scared. I took for granted that I may never get that back. I know you want me to move on and for you, I will try. I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least let you know that everything about us is indelibly inked on my soul. You will always hold a piece of me in your hand.”
“I know.” Aspen whispered between tears. “I think that is the part that is so hard, keeping you with me every day-at least that part of us. That’s why I have to put you away. I need to be friends. I can do that. I can talk about Cass and what makes you guys tick. I just can’t talk about us.”
“Fair enough.” Lex sank back against the couch. It was several moments before she spoke again. “I’m guessing that doesn’t include locker room chats about our sex life.”
Aspen shook her head and smiled. She knew exactly what Lex was doing, and she silently thanked her for that. “Umm, not yet. Maybe one day, but for now, let’s just keep it out of the bedroom.”
“Yes, dear.” Lex teased. Unable to contain it any longer, she stifled a yawn.
“Tired?”
“I guess so.” Lex laughed around another yawn. “It just hit me.”
Aspen smiled. “Go to bed, Lex. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Lex hesitated for a moment before the look on Aspen’s face made her stand up. She stretched her arms over her head and yawned loudly. “Thank you.”
“For?” Aspen looked up from the couch and held Lex’s gaze.
“For this, for everything. I know asking you to do this was pretty shitty.”
Aspen shook her head and smiled. “It needed to be done, and this was the best way. I should be thanking you. It’s a step that we both need if we are going to move on.”
“Yeah, I know.” Lex turned to go then stopped midstride. “Anyway, I just wanted to thank you.”
Aspen nodded and watched Lex leave the room and close the door before a single tear escaped and rolled down her cheek unchecked. Her strangled reply whispered so softly that she couldn’t even hear it. “You’re welcome.”
Chapter 18
Aspen jumped at the sound of footsteps on the wooden floor. “Hello?”
“Hey, it’s just me.” Lex shouted from the kitchen.
Aspen couldn’t contain h
er smile. She set her charcoal down and dusted her hands off before going into the kitchen. It was Christmas night, and she had expected to spend it alone. “What are you doing here?”
“Came home early.” Lex shrugged out of her coat and returned Aspen’s wide smile. She held a container towards Aspen. “Mom sent leftovers. We knew if you were here alone you wouldn’t eat.”
Aspen’s jaw dropped. “What? I take care of myself.”
“Mmhmm.” Lex snorted loudly. “You have a tendency to forget to eat. I figure you probably haven’t eaten today.”
Aspen’s stomach growled, and she smiled ruefully. “Okay, maybe I haven’t eaten today.”
“Exactly.” Lex took the lid off the Tupperware and put it in the microwave to warm.
“So you left your family on Christmas to bring me leftovers?” Aspen cocked an eyebrow at Lex, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
“Maybe.” Lex’s cheeks reddened under her golden skin. “Actually, the storm is hitting earlier than they predicted, so I headed back early. I didn’t want to get stranded on the road or worse yet, be stuck at Mom’s house for the next couple of days.”
Aspen laughed and grabbed a fork out of the utensil drawer. “I totally understand that.” She dove into the leftovers hungrily. “How’s the fam?”
“Good.” Lex smothered a smile. She had always known Aspen to go all day without eating when she was busy working on her art. It never failed, when it finally dawned on her that she hadn’t eaten, she would attack food with animal ferocity. Tonight was no different. “Mom says hi.”
“Hi back.” Aspen stopped shoveling food in her mouth long enough to point at a package on the counter. “It’s from Cass; I think.”
Lex eyed the package warily. She had spoken with Cass several times since she had broken off their engagement. She had pled with Lex to get back together and so far Lex had resisted. She still had some thinking to do. She did love her, but knew it wasn’t with the same intensity as Cass loved her. Lex was finally starting to accept that she and Aspen would not get back together, but that didn’t mean she needed to stay with Cass.
