by Syd Parker
Aspen’s heart broke in two, ripped apart without even a word. She held onto Lex with fierceness she didn’t know she possessed. She knew she would have to hold her tightly before she could let her go. Letting her in completely was the only way Aspen knew to say good-bye. With Lex, it was all or nothing, no matter how much it hurt. She held her a moment longer before her need to touch replaced the ache in her heart. Her hands roamed over Lex’s back, feeling the hard muscles beneath her palms. She returned Lex’s kiss with reckless abandon, her need to feel alive outweighing all other thought. Her tongue tangled with Lex's, and she felt her stomach jump wildly. “Please, Lex.”
Lex moaned and kissed her hard once more. She slid down Aspen’s body and pulled her shirt up, exposing her soft mounds. Her eyes darkened at the sight of her dark nipples against her creamy-white skin. Lex flicked her tongue over the soft peak then sucked it into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it gently. She nipped it with her teeth and felt it stiffen against her tongue. Her palm slid over Aspen’s other breast and felt it harden beneath her hand.
Aspen’s body was on fire. The feel of Lex’s mouth on her nipple was enough to drive her wild. She arched her hips against Lex, and her clit jumped at the pressure. Once again, she guided Lex’s hand inside her pants and pushed against her palm. She deepened the kiss and when Lex brushed over her clit, Aspen felt heat building deep inside her.
Lex slid her palm over Aspen’s clit. She swirled her fingers over her lips and coated her soft folds with slick warmth. She slid her fingers inside Aspen’s body, pushing as deep as she could. She waited several seconds before pulling them out only to plunge them in again, her thumb sliding over Aspen’s clit. Lex could feel it pulse against her, and she quickened her strokes.
Aspen’s tongue danced with Lex's, and her hips arched wildly, trying to pull Lex in as far as she could go. She could feel her muscles start to contract around Lex’s fingers, and she pushed against her hand. She wrenched her mouth away from Lex’s. “I need more, Lex. I want to feel all of you.” Aspen reached down and yanked at the waistband of her bottoms, trying to tug them over Lex’s hand. “Get these off of me.”
Lex chuckled softly. She pulled away just long enough to work Aspen’s pants down over her hips and off her legs. She tossed them over her shoulder and settled her weight in between Aspen’s thighs, sliding her body along her clit.
“Baby, you’re killing me.” Aspen admitted in a strangled voice. She arched her hips and wrapped her legs around Lex’s waist, pulling her into her body. She leaned up and whispered in Lex’s ear. “Make love to me like you used to.”
Lex’s heart melted. Aspen was giving her everything, opening up her entire body to Lex; she was hers for the taking. She hesitated, wanting to make sure that this was what Aspen really wanted.
Aspen sensed her uncertainty and she bit her collarbone softly. “Now.”
Lex felt her last wall fall away. It was time to make Aspen’s body hers and in doing so, Lex would let go of every bit of herself, unable to protect what was no longer hers. She knew long before tonight that her heart would always belong to Aspen, no matter how far apart they were. She kissed Aspen’s neck gently, planting kisses along her collarbone and down her chest. She stopped long enough to swirl her tongue over Aspen’s nipple and pull it between her teeth softly. She kissed the soft skin along her abdomen and down her hip, stopping to tease the mound between her legs.
Aspen’s body tingled with every kiss, and her hips arched off the floor when Lex’s mouth found her lips. Her hips bucked wildly when Lex ran her tongue over her clit and sucked it between her lips. Her body quickly remembered the deliciousness of Lex’s touch and with several deft strokes of Lex’s tongue; Aspen was ready to come out of her skin. Her teeth clenched, and her breath caught in her throat. “Baby. I need you inside me.”
Lex smiled against her lips and slid her tongue along her swollen folds before delving inside her and tasting her sweet nectar. Lex swirled her tongue inside of Aspen’s body as she tasted her with short, teasing strokes, bringing her closer and closer to the edge and holding her there. She slid her hand under Aspen’s bottom and pushed deeper and deeper with every stroke. This was as close to heaven as Lex had ever been, as close to tasting perfection as she had been allowed, and she savored each sweet second.
Aspen’s clit pulsed painfully, and the ache between her legs built until she couldn’t breathe. She arched into Lex, trying to assuage the overwhelming need. When she thought that she could take no more, Lex slid two fingers inside her and started to move with her. Her lips sought Aspen’s clit and sucked it gently, her tongue swirling around it deftly. Soon, their rhythm pushed Aspen to the edge and held her there. It was sweet torture to feel the aching anticipation as Lex slowly pushed her over the precipice and stroked her body to wave after wave of pulsing energy, leaving her body trembling with sated exhaustion. When she could finally move, she pulled Lex up beside her and held her there. The need to hold her close was as acute as the need to make love just minutes before. “Are you okay?”
“Mmhmm.” Lex kissed her forehead. “I’m perfect.” For one brief moment, she meant it. It was the moment between making love to Aspen and the good-bye she knew would come. Lex wrapped her heart around those few precious seconds and pulled them close to her. She would hold on as long as she could; knowing the heartbreak that would come was more than she was prepared for.
“I’m sorry.” Aspen could almost hear the sound of her heart shattering as she lay there enveloped in warmth. The cold outside had nothing against the chill that she had felt these many years and would soon feel again. It was too much to think about and for the second time that night, she forgot herself and pulled Lex’s mouth to hers. She would take Lex’s pain away if only briefly. Sliding her hand between Lex’s legs, she closed her eyes against the visions that danced in her head and lost herself in the heat of Lex’s body.
Chapter 21
Lex shivered and pulled the blankets up to her chin, trying to hold in her warmth. She didn’t need to feel the cold spot beside her to know she was lying in their makeshift bed alone. She lay there staring at the embers dying in the fireplace and wondered if she had dreamt last night. A tenderness between her legs let her know that the visions that danced in her head were very real. This realization brought a new wave of sadness.
Sighing loudly, Lex threw off the covers and the chill of the room nearly took her breath away. She could hear the wind howling around the house and knew that without electricity, the fireplace was going to provide little warmth against the bitter cold outside. Struggling with the layers bunched around her, Lex fought to pull her jogging pants on to ward off the cold.
She knew Aspen would be outside with the girls. She fought the urge to join her, but her need to see her outweighed the fear of the impending chill. Lex had to see her face. She wanted to know where Aspen’s head was this morning. Last night had been a shock and no doubt this morning she would see regret in Aspen’s eyes, but Lex needed to see it. It would help her start to heal.
Lex glanced in the direction of the kitchen. The first muted rays of light were peeking through the curtains. Perhaps if she came with a peace offering, she would be better received. She smiled sadly and set about lighting the gas stove with the matches Aspen had left sitting on the counter. She poured cold milk into a pan and waited while it came to a gentle boil. She found two travel mugs and stirred hot chocolate into the milk before filling the mugs to the top and capping them off. Lex threw on a coat, hat and thick gloves and took several deep breaths before opening the front door and beginning the cold trek across the yard.
Aspen jumped at the sound of the door opening behind her. She saw Lex and forced a smile. “Hi.” She turned away quickly, hoping to hide her red-rimmed eyes.
Lex took one look at Aspen, and her heart broke. “Hey.” She covered the distance between them and held one of the mugs out. “I made you something warm.”
Aspen put her hand out and took the mu
g, her eyes never leaving Lacey. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” Lex shuffled her feet uncomfortably. She wasn’t sure how to act this morning already, but seeing Aspen’s tears made it all the more difficult. “I, umm, about…” Lex stuttered helplessly. She felt powerless, and her vulnerability scared her. For the first time in months, she realized that this was what it must have felt like for Aspen all those years ago. Watching her life get ripped out from under her and having no power to stop it.
“I’m sorry, Lex.” Aspen’s strangled whisper hung between them, making the silence even more deafening. Finally turning, Aspen forced Lex to look at her. It was obvious she had been crying a while, and she did little to hide it. “Last night shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.”
Lex shook her head. “I’m glad it did. I needed to hear you say good-bye, feel the end with something other than my head to believe it.”
Aspen smiled sadly. “It was selfish of me to take that from you. It just makes today harder than it needs to be. Last night made me realize that I can’t move on with you here.”
“So don’t move on.” Lex pressed her, knowing the answer but silently hoping that she could change it. “I love you, Aspen. Can’t you feel that?”
Aspen swiped at a fresh tear and started shaking her head no. “I can’t. I just keep hearing good-bye. I barely survived you leaving the first time. I don’t think I would survive the second time if I let you in, and then you decide to leave when it gets too hard.”
“I’m not going anywhere, A. Being here with you has made me realize that my heart is and always has been yours. No matter where I go or how much time passes, I will always love you.” Lex set her mug down on the rail and grabbed Aspen’s shoulders, pulling her close. “Know this, if I leave today, it’s because you walked away. I can’t promise you perfect. I’m old enough to know that doesn’t exist. What I can promise you is I am yours forever. I can’t leave you. You will have to say good-bye this time.”
Aspen couldn’t look at Lex without her heart breaking. The tears in her brown eyes were more than she could bear. She pulled her gaze away and stared at the floor between them.
“Please say something.” Lex pleaded with Aspen. Her heart hammered in her chest, and she swallowed the sick feeling that was gripping her stomach.
“I don’t know what to say.” Aspen stepped out of Lex’s grip and rested her arms on the railing, her hand brushing Lacey’s nose. Lacey nuzzled the side of her head and whinnied softly. Aspen knew what she needed to do to move forward, and yet, saying the words out loud made them so painfully real. She opened her mouth several times before she could force enough air into her lungs to form the words. “I can’t live like this. Last night was amazing. It was the first time I’ve felt alive in years.”
“But?” Lex licked her lips nervously. She could sense Aspen’s indecision, and she refused to make it any easier to say farewell.
“But as wonderful as last night was, this morning, I knew that it was time. Last night was magical, Lex, and I want to thank you for letting me touch you again.”
Lex frowned. “You can stop this, A. We can have another chance. I know how badly I messed up, and I won’t leave you again.”
“How can you be sure?” Aspen chuckled softly, the irony of the situation too bittersweet to ignore. She wasn’t a vindictive person, but she wasn’t a fool either. “Lex, I love you. I know now I always will. We had our chance. These past months, I realized that I have no defenses against you. You tear all my walls down. I can’t be that vulnerable. I have to learn to be whole again if I’m ever going to face the world without worrying that I’ll get hurt.”
“A, I won’t hurt…”
Aspen put her finger on Lex’s lips to silence her. “Please, I need to say this while I can.”
Lex held her gaze and finally nodded her ascent.
Aspen pulled her finger away. She absentmindedly rubbed the tingling skin, all too aware of the effect Lex had on her body. “I’ve tried to tell myself a thousand times that there is a whole world waiting for me, I just have to get out and let myself live. If there is anything you taught me in all of this, it’s that I can let go of the past.”
“That’s not exactly what I was hoping you would get from all of this.” Lex replied sarcastically.
Aspen furrowed her brow and shot Lex a mock glare. “You know what I mean. Whatever will happen tomorrow, I have to put all of this hurt behind me. I can’t keep living my life holding onto you. All this time, I’ve been turned around the wrong way, looking at everything I left behind. I have missed so much. I’m finally realizing how much, and I’m ready to change that.”
“You mean you’re ready to dump me for good.” Lex’s sarcastic tone hung in the air.
This time the glare was for real. Aspen felt some of the anger from the past taunting her, and she pushed it back down before she spoke again. “No, I mean I’m ready to say good-bye to what we used to be. Good-bye to all the hurt and pain that I held onto for so long. Lex, I love you. I always will, but I need to walk away. I need to live my life for me and not for anyone else. You came here looking for closure, same as me. This is it. Go home, Lex. Live your life.”
“What if this is the life I want?” Lex’s eyes held Aspen, pleading with her to listen to her heart, knowing that no matter what Aspen said, she was still in love with her.
Aspen stepped closer and took Lex’s hand in hers. “You can have this life, just not with me. Besides, why would you want some emotionally scarred shell of a woman? We would be broken, Lex, and maybe it wouldn’t catch up with us this year, or even next year, but one day it would. I don’t want to be back here five years from now, wishing I had the balls just to let go.” Aspen pushed up on her tip-toes and kissed Lex’s lips softly. When she pulled away, a sad smile played on her lips. “Last night was perfect and I want to have that be my last memory of us. Can you just give me that?”
Lex swallowed the lump in her throat, unable to speak. She finally nodded slowly. She knew from the look in Aspen’s eyes that she was serious. Lex couldn’t say anything to change it. Pulling away, she swiped at her eyes, pushing back the tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. She propped her arms on the railing and rested her chin in her hands. She wasn’t sure how much time passed before she was able to speak. “So what happens now?”
“I guess I file and then we wait. In six months, we will be divorced. We will have to go to the courthouse for the divorce hearing. Since you slept with…since we have been separated, and you were living with someone else, it should be pretty simple. I’ll let you know if we need to do anything in the meantime. Otherwise, we go our separate ways.” Aspen’s tone was solemn and without emotion. This was where she could remove herself and treat it like business. It was when she let her heart into the mix that things got complicated, and she was tired of complicated.
Lex laughed sardonically. “It all sounds so sterile, like we are just acquaintances.”
“I’m sorry.” Aspen tried to soften the harshness of it all. “This is what you wanted, Lex. I know that changed for you, but this is why we came here. I hate to use this phrase, but it seems fitting. It is what it is.”
Lex scoffed loudly and shook her head. “I didn’t imagine it would suck this bad. I’m a thirty-four-year-old divorcee.”
“No, you’re not.” Aspen teased, trying to lighten the somber mood. “You won’t be that for another six months. Then you will be a thirty-four-year-old divorcee.”
“Oh God.” Lex muttered sarcastically. “That makes it even worse.”
Aspen laughed softly then smiled, searching Lex’s face. “Will you be okay?”
Lex shrugged. “Mmm, who knows? But I have to be, right?”
“Yes.” Aspen reached over the fence and grabbed Lacey’s pail, needing to redirect her heart and her mind. She could feel Lex’s pull over her, and she wanted to put some distance between them, knowing she had to stay strong. “Come on, last time to muck the stalls. I
know you wouldn’t want to miss your last chance.”
Lex laughed and followed Aspen’s lead. “Yeah, I can honestly say I won’t miss shoveling shit.”
Aspen snorted loudly. “Isn’t shoveling shit an everyday thing for you?”
“What are you saying?” Lex sucked in a breath, feigning offense. “That I’m full of shit?”
“Well, your eyes are brown.” Aspen nudged Lex’s shoulder playfully, pushing her off balance.
Lex regained her balance and nudged Aspen back, almost sending her to the floor.
Aspen smiled wickedly and grabbed a handful of oats, threatening to toss them straight at Lex.
“You wouldn’t dare.” Lex’s eyes narrowed slightly, her body ready to react.
“Wouldn’t I?” Aspen scrunched her face up and shot Lex a saucy smirk. Without warning, she stepped back and sent the oats flying.
“That’s it!” Lex grabbed a handful of hay and chased after Aspen. Catching her, she tossed the hay over her head and backed away quickly.
“Ooh, you’re gonna get it now.” Aspen scrunched up her face and started towards Lex, knocking them into a pile of hay.
“Oomph.” Lex exhaled loudly when she hit the ground, catching Aspen in her arms. She searched Aspen’s face before breaking out in a nervous laugh. “We’re gonna be okay, aren’t we?”
Aspen’s eyes welled up slightly, and she cupped Lex’s cheek in her palm, planting a bittersweet kiss on her lips. Pulling away, she smiled sadly. “Yeah, we are going to be okay.”
