by B. , Ivory
He drove towards Broad Street. And I can remember pleading with him not to go over there. I didn’t want anyone to see my face. He was like trust him, and that he would never put my business out there like that. We stopped in front of some apartment building. Jah went in and came out the building with this older lady. She got in the backseat; the car was completely quiet. Jah kept reaching over and rubbing my face gently but I was zoned out. We pulled in front of the Hilton, then the lady gets out and we sat there silently while he stroked my face and hair telling me I was gonna be okay. When she came out she handed Jah the key card and he handed her crack.
When we got into the room, he helped me get out of my wet clothes. And when he saw all the bruises that were on my back and arms that nigga got heated. I could barely move he ended up having to leave and get Epsom salt to put in the bath because I was so soar. After I got out, we just laid down in the bed together while he held me. I told him everything, all about how my grandmother used to beat me from as early as I can remember. I even told him about the time she broke my arm. He was so pissed I had to talk him out of hurting my grandmother. He promised to always be there for me. And my young ass believed in every word he said.
That night it finally happened, we had sex. And it was nothing like I ever had before. I was surprised at how experienced he was. I was expecting him to be different since he was young. I can still remember being shocked at how good that boy was in bed and I already knew that nigga had a big dick from filling all up on it when we would kiss and grind. Now, I was no virgin. I had sexed a few dudes, mostly them older niggaz that lived around our way. But they were selfish, they weren’t worried about making sure I was satisfied it was all about them hitting some young pussy and bragging about it. And then my lil boyfriends in school, was just that, little and inexperienced.
With Jah it was totally different. He laid me on my back ever so gently and his tongue was everywhere. When that nigga spread my legs eagle and ate my pussy, I thought I done died and went to heaven. I had never ever before that night had anyone do that to me. And I ain’t bust once but twice, maybe that’s why I was so strung out over Jah, and let that nigga play me like he did.” Laughter filled the room. “For real, y’all act like y’all don’t know good dick will make you do some crazy shit.” Keema gazed off all dreamy eyed as if she was caught up in that very moment. “I’ma put y’all on to how I got my nickname. When that nigga slid in me, he was, like ohhh shit! And he stumbled over my name, fucked up and called me Meema instead of Keema. Not once but like three times. It was a lil inside joke we would laugh about. Then he just started calling me Meema. I thought it was cute, so I let him.
Three whole days of nothing but making love and room service. Bout time Saturday rolled around I was feeling better and looking better.” “Damn Meema you really fucked up my paper, then ya grandmother gave my shit to Pastor Jenkins. Man that nigga high as a kite right now. He probably gonna be high giving Sunday service tomorrow.” “I’m sorry baby. I’ll pay you back somehow, I promise.” “No Keem, we good. I just re’d up. I’ll be back Keema in an hour, get dressed.” he told me.
“When he came back I was knocked out sleeping.” “Yo Keem I thought you was gonna be ready get up sleepy head,” “he said as I rubbed my tired eyes. He hands me a big jewelry box. I opened it, and went crazy. I had my first pair of bamboo earrings with the name in them, but not my name, Jah had his name put in them. After I got them earrings I was fully awake then, I got dressed with the quickness. I couldn’t wait to go floss them earrings around Philly. Jah, Boogie and me went to NY and he spent money on my ass copped me mad shit. After we went shopping he brought me to these Dominicans in Queens and they gave me a blow out and styled my hair in a straight wrap. When I came out of that shop I looked so different. Jah nasty ass was all over me, he loved my hair, especially when he got to pull it when he was hitting it from the back,” Keema laughed. “Damn girl well you must of did something right if you cost that nigga money and then he goes and splurge on you,” Ty said.
“After that we were inseparable. Things were going really good. I was deep in love with this boy. Senior year rolled around and we were still with each other. The weekends were mine, but Sunday night when I had to go home, so did he. He was with that bitch in her home Monday through Thursday, and that started to get to me. I wanted him to leave that girl but Jah made all type of excuses. Told me he didn’t care for her but he was using her for a place to stay. And a place to do dirt. That dumb bitch used to let them cook crack up in her house.
On the weekends only when it was re-up time, he would go get work out in NY cook it up sometimes at her house, then me and him would sit up in a hotel room cut and bag it. He would bring me to his trap house from time to time when I begged to be up under him and he had a lot of work to push out in the streets. Eventually he taught me how to cook up crack for him, I mean my wrist game was kinda sick, he taught me to microwave and pot whip it, you throw that work in the pot mix it with baking soda, when it get right, throw some ice in it and make it lock, what!” All the woman in the room gasped. “Yeah ladies I know I did some crazy shit for love when it came to Jah, but he taught me to survive the best way he knew how. He taught me the difference between a dime, a quarter, eight ball and so forth. I would help him chop that shit up bag and label based on the size of the rock. I swear after me and Jah broke up. I would sit back and think about all that hot shit I did. I’m like what if the cops busted up in that room? It would have been over for me. But my baby had dope dreams of being the next Tony Montana. And I was playing my role as the supportive girl, I guess.
This weekend was no different from any of the rest me and Jah shared. I was braiding his hair and he was watching TV. When somebody started banging on the door. I froze; I thought the fucking Po’Po was at the door. “Jah open the fuckin door! I know you in there muthafucka, you and that lil bitch open the fuckin door!” “My heart dropped, I mean, I couldn’t blame that on no one else. I knew he had a girl but her being there was a whole other thing. Then I’m like well this will really tell if this nigga is real when he says he loves me and he don’t have no feelings for her. This dude didn’t move right, so I’m like, you need to get the door, and do something. She out there acting up and we got shit in here. This nigga gon say ssshhh.” Everyone in the room fell out laughing. Keema smiled “I’m like muthafucka don’t shush me, like the bitch don’t know we in here. I was so mad and brokenhearted. He jumped up and opened the door when she started getting really loud, kicking and banging on the door. That bitch came right for me like a raging bull. She didn’t say shit to him; she came right at me with two of her goons.” “You fucking bitch! you nasty ass little bitch in here fuckin my man!” She swung and hit me and that shit was on and poppin. We started banging out. Jah jumped in between us and grabbed her when he did. I caught that bitch in the face like two times then her girls got at me. It was a mess. That’s all I know is I ended up in a corner with Jah basically sitting on top of me. Jah had threw one of her girls across the room and told them, if any of them touched me he would fuck them up.
I was crying, that bitch Michelle was crying. Her girls were telling her to leave his young ass alone, that he making a fool out of her. She was screaming on him that he ain’t the only nigga she fuckin, it was a mess.” “You copped that bitch mad shit, you over here playing Santa with this hoe! You bought her those fucking earrings?! Nigga and I gotta beg you for shit, cuss your ass out to pay a bill and you treating this lil ass bitch like she really something!” “She screamed while swinging at me. Jah jacked her up by the shirt and started pushing her out the door. Her friends followed. I went into the bathroom to check my scratched face. When it was taking too long for him to come back in the room I went out in the hall. He had ole girl pinned up against the wall while she cried in his chest. Whatever he was telling her it wasn’t that same hard shit he was kicking in the room. He was holding her stroking her hair the same way he did me, while she was crying her heart out and
leaning on his chest. When I saw that I was like fuck that, I’m out!
When he got back in, I was fully packed demanding that he bring me home. He refused to bring me home. So I grabbed my shit to catch a bus. I didn’t make it two steps before that nigga was on me. I started fucking Jah up. I was so mad he embarrassed and hurt me by going out there and being all up in that bitch face. He thought I didn’t see that shit. Ladies listen, I fucked Jah up! He was like Meema please, please stop. And you all know when a nigga let you go HAM and take an ass whoopin it’s because they fucked up and feeling guilty. I told him that it was over that I didn’t want any part of this. Yo this dude was begging me not to leave him. But I was sticking to my guns. I told him it was over I couldn’t deal with the drama. Then he hit me with the guilt trip. Told me I was like everyone else in his life that he loved, they always left him. I felt bad and I caved in and cried. I really didn’t wanna leave him. I loved him but I didn’t want to keep playing sideline chick either. It wasn’t fair to me. But…I had these feelings for Jah that I never felt with any other dude and breaking up took more energy than I had. We ended up doing something I never did before, having sex with no protection. I remember us making love in the shower and I wondered if he could tell my tears from the water. I really loved him and I knew deep inside this wasn’t right the way he was doing me.
Two months past and shit was almost back to normal. I was applying to colleges out of state since I was in my senior year now and Jah didn’t seem happy about it. Every time I brought up college he would act real funny. I was trying my hardest to make sure we were gonna still be together even if I was in Florida or Virginia because my heart and mind couldn’t even fathom us not being together. I felt him pulling away from me. I don’t know, but you know as women we have those feelings.
Jah started hustling even harder and making more money. He had basically dropped out of school all together. He only came when he felt like coming. With more money more problems came. I started hearing rumors about him being with other chicks. Every time I would try to confront him about it, I would just cry. That’s how much I loved that boy. He always denied messing with other chicks. Jah had this crazy type of hold on me I would go to confront him about bitches or the way he had been acting and I would break down and cry.” “Yoo Meema you buggin, why you crying?” “Because Jah you acting different with me, like you don’t love me. You acting funny, we don’t even spend time with each other like we used to. This money is changing you.” “Keema I been trying to get this money for us. I do love you.” “When we got back together Jah finally admitted to me that he was trying to emotionally detach himself from me because he knew that I would be leaving him to go off to school. Its funny how things turned out, I never went anywhere and he ended up being the one to leave me. We started breaking up on and off for a couple days, that’s all we could last not being with each other. And every time we got back together the makeup sex was more intense and a lot of times it was unprotected.
Love is Blind
I started feeling really sick, I couldn’t eat. I was throwing up and had lost like five pounds. I’m laying in bed feeling as if I was gonna die, when I get a phone call from Boogie that Jah had just been arrested. Now I’m really stressing, I swear I was feeling as if a car had just ran me over. I really felt like I had a bad flu. I was hella weak couldn’t even stand without feeling dizzy as if I was gonna faint and my legs were shaking. But I got my ass up quick. I didn’t know what to do to get him out of jail. I was too young to get him out; I was only 17 years old. I went on Broad Street to find Peaches’. She had messed with plenty of hustla’s so I knew she would know what to do. She called a couple of precincts trying to find out which jail had him. They wouldn’t tell her anything because he was a juvenile. I’m stressing, I got only like 15 hundred that he left stashed with me and that wasn’t gonna be enough for his bail. I’m sitting there crying my eyes out, feeling like I had to be admitted to a hospital for body aches, the whole nine when I ended up falling to sleep on Peach’s couch.
Like two o’clock in the morning somebody came knocking at Peaches door and it’s Jah. I jumped up and hugged him like I hadn’t seen him in years. Cathy had bailed him out, then she made him go back to her house, but he had snuck out because he needed to see me. Jah’s holding me tight as hell and telling me he loves me in front of Boogie and Peaches. I’m like oookay, I’m a little shocked cause you know niggaz especially ones like Jah at that age wouldn’t do no shit like that normally. I left with him, we got a room and he was zoned out that whole night. I tried to get some and he turned me down. Now that ain’t Jah at all that was the first time he ever turned down some pussy from me. I should’ve known some shit was up.
I’m comforting him telling him everything was going to be okay. I’m crying thinking he gonna be taken away from me because he going to jail. I figured he was really stressing about this new drug charge since he had already gotten popped a couple of months back with crack on him. Thank god it was only a lil something but still it was an open case, then this new crack charge, was added on to things he had to worry about.
Jah was staying with Carlos and em way out there in the burbs. I was seeing less of him his aunt was making him lay low since his arrest. I talked to him every day on the phone and I was missing him like crazy. I finally went to the doctor not telling him, I was afraid I knew why I had been sick, I thought I was pregnant. I sure was, but what had me fucked up was, not only was I pregnant but I had Gonorrhea.” “What?! Nuh unh Keema you never told me this, Keema and you forgave him for that shit!” Ty spat. Keema sat there with tears falling down her face. “Ty shut the fuck up and just let her talk. Bitch don’t act like you never played sucka for love before we all have,” Tamika commented. “I was devastated. They gave me a combination of antibiotics for the STD. I was feeling so many emotions. I didn’t know what to do. I was hurt, scared, angry, and I felt betrayed. As soon as I left Planned Parenthood I went looking for that muthafucka! If I had a gun that day that nigga would be dead right now for sure.
I went to Broad Street looking for him. When I didn’t see him out there I went straight to Peaches’ house to use her house phone and ask her if she had seen his ass that day. As soon as she opened the door she knew something was wrong “Keema what’s wrong wit you.” “Have you seen Jah today?” “Nah girl I haven’t seen him out there today.” “I need to use your phone.”
At first he didn’t answer his cell phone, but I kept calling and finally I got him. He had a nerve to sound like he was sleeping peacefully while my life was falling apart. “Jah you sick dick muthafucka, I’ma kill you! You gave me the fucking clap! Jah the clap! I went to the doctor today and found out I have Gonorrhea. You couldn’t tell me Jah, you was just gonna leave me fucked up like that?” “What?! I didn’t give you shit. You got me fucked up. I don’t got shit Keema! You didn’t get that shit from me.”
Keema had to pause from telling the story. “Y’all just don’t know how much that hurt me. I’m like... I didn’t get it from you? You the only nigga I been fucking, what you mean Jah? I swear I haven’t been with no one else.” “Nah Keema you got me fucked up! If you burning you was fuckin someone else. I didn’t give you shit. I’m clean I’ll go take any test right now.” “Yeah you clean now after you done got rid of that shit and left me for my insides to rot out. I hate you Jah! We through. You a dog ass nigga. Why you do this to me Jah? Why me? I never did shit to you but love you. Jah that’s fucked up.” “Meema I swear I love you.” Jah said in a softer tone his conscious was eating away at him. He knew deep down what he did was dead wrong. He truly loved Keema despite how bad shit was looking right now. “Fuck you Jah!”
I had totally forgotten that Peach’s was right there, and she was the mouth of the hood. If she knew your business she would def air it out. At that point I really didn’t even care. I was crying so bad I was shaking, I remember her hugging me. And I kept saying he supposed to love me and he calling me a hoe, he saying I fucked someone
else. I swear I didn’t, I swear to god I didn’t. “I know Keema, I know, everybody know you wouldn’t do Jah dirty. Keema listen I know you think you love Jah but you young right now. In some years you’ll look back on this and be like why I let that nigga play me like that? Keema I’m telling you right now on some real shit Jah is cool people and all but you need to stop fuckin with him, for real. He too immature and he not ready to be in no committed relationship, and honestly you not built for this baby girl. You not built for fucking with hustla’s and shit, you too nice of a girl. You just gone end up getting hurt.
See them hustlin ass niggaz out here Keema ain’t in love wit shit but the streets. And a bitch like me fit right in cause I ain’t in love with shit but the paper. Niggaz can call me hoes, tricks whateva they want. They know my feelings ain’t in it just like theirs ain’t. I’m just tryna come off, and whatever nigga got the longest paper is the one I’m loving. When he fall off or get knocked I’m looking for the nigga on the come up that’s next in line to take his place in the game, cause I don’t bid with no one. That’s how me and my bitches get down. But Keem this ain’t for you. Go find you a dude that’s gonna treat you right. You too pretty for all this… Keema you better swear to me you not gonna say nothing. When Jah got bagged he got bagged for beating the breaks off that bitch Michelle for burning him. Girl he beat her ass! That’s why he was locked, not on no drug charge like he told you.”
The entire room fell silent Lucky jumped up and hugged Keema close; she had no idea Jah had put Keema through all that mess. Keema had always avoided specifics about her and Jah’s past. “Oh we been through a lot,” was always Keema’s short and evasive answer. Now Lucky could understand why she didn’t go into details. Keema was blowing her nose and wiping her eyes with Kleenex. “Hold up where was I?” “Keem you stressing tell us the rest another time, you need to get some rest for you and this Munchkin,” Lucky suggested. “Nah girl, cause I ain’t even done with your boy and his bullshit. I’m almost there. Y’all gotta hear the kicker.”
