“No one’s asking you to pretend, Sven,” I say softly.
“I feel like a failure, Missy.”
“Sven,” I say firmly, coaxing him to sit up with my hands on his shoulders. “Listen to yourself. A failure? You’ve had a hard life. Some people wouldn’t even have survived without parents, but you did. You knew you had to live because you had things you wanted to do, football, college, not to mention your braveness in the war. And here you are, alive, strong, aware that you need help.”
Our eyes lock and I run my thumbs under his eyes, cupping his face.
“You’ve created a life for me and Sweetie. A life I never thought we’d have. You’re a dad to her, the dad I only hoped she would have. Your relationship with her exceeds everything I’ve ever imagined she’d have. You’re my husband. We don’t need to have a wedding for that to be us.” I sigh at my words, hoping them not too harsh at this moment.
“We will handle this, not just you, but us. I won’t give up on you. But I need you to pull yourself out of the ashes…because I can’t do this without you.”
20
SVEN
Missy and I sat in my apartment and talked, more about what I was feeling and thinking. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I was saying things and telling her stories of my past I had never verbalized before and it felt like an unchaining. Missy listened to me, nodded, and sometimes asked questions, but for the most part she just let me talk.
Afterward, I felt raw, but so alive. I didn’t know airing my secrets and showing my true colors would lift some burden I hadn’t realized I was carrying. At first, I feared she’d truly see me, see me as an animal and be unable to see past it and want me far away from her and Sweetie. That thought I could barely stomach. But as I went on, I knew this woman understood me better than I did.
That fear I had, the fear that I was capable of hurting her and Sweetie vanishes the moment I get to the house the next morning and see my little girl running toward me and as I kneel to scoop her into my arms.
“Just in time for breakfast,” Missy calls from the kitchen.
“I missed you,” Sweetie says in my ear.
“I missed you more,” I tell her, leaning back to run my huge hand down the side of her little face.
I stand and she takes my hand as we walk into the kitchen.
Sweetie sits up to the table and I kiss her cheek as Missy finishes plating the bacon from the stove. Missy gives me a look as she turns toward the table, one that has my heart racing and all my insecurities fleeing. We sit around the table and Sweetie and Missy are doing that thing where they talk using facial expressions and not speaking actual words. I keep my focus on my plate, and try to hide my smile at how fucking cute it is, while Missy dishes out scrambled eggs to each of us.
“Sweetie wants to talk to you about something,” Missy finally says.
Looking up, I take a bite of food and connect eyes with mini-Missy.
“I’m all ears.”
Her cheeks pinken as she smiles and looks over at her mom, but I keep my eyes on her. Missy sits and I see her nodding toward her daughter.
“Well…I was kinda wondering if…I could call you dad?”
Instantly, a lump lodges my throat, and a wave of emotion crashes over me. I swallow my food and put my fork down.
“Really?” I ask.
Her eyes look down as she seems to be thinking, her little brow furrowing. “Well, you live with us, Mama loves you and I love you…so, yeah,” she shrugs, looking back up at me.
I try to think of something witty to say, to make her think like this is really something I have to think about. But I’m so elated I can’t even think. Leaning over, I hook my arm around the back of her neck and pull her toward me, kissing the top of her head and whispering ‘yes’ in her ear.
The entire meal, I feel like I’m on cloud nine. Looking between my two girls, I bask in how much I love them and how much I know they love me. That’s an odd feeling. Being loved. I’ve never known it before, at least not like this. I think my brothers love me, like I love them, and maybe their moms have a general love for me, but not like Missy and Sweetie love me. That’s the most powerful feeling in the world. That they’ll stick by me and make sure I’m safe, with no question.
21
MISSY
I’m making rolling meat for Norwegian meatballs, a dish Ida’s taught me. I know Sven loves the food he grew up on, so a while back I asked Ida for some recipes. I don’t know how good my dishes come out, but Sven seems to like it, or rather, that’s what he tells me. “Rocky Mountain Way” by Joe Walsh is playing on the radio on the counter and I hum along. Sven’s in Bannister meeting with a psychologist. I’d looked into someone for him to talk to since I knew there were some things he didn’t want to share with me, and I understood that. After making a few calls, I found a doctor who was probably not much older than me and had patients who were veterans. When I proposed the idea to Sven, I had a defense prepared for every objection he was going to volley at me, for all the reasons he didn’t need to see someone. But he didn’t fight me. Instead, he sat at the table with me as I told him everything I’d discussed with the doctor and his answers.
I’m lost in my thoughts, wondering how the appointment is going, since this is only the second one, when I hear knocking at the screen door. It surprises me, and I wipe my hands as I make my way toward the front door. I halt when a huge body takes up the hallway, stopping me in the tracks.
“Hey, Missy,” Jasper says and my blood runs cold.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, taking a step back.
His eyes scan my body and he approaches as I stop in the doorway of the kitchen.
“Sven here?” he asks, and the question drips with disdain.
“No,” I state.
“You guys fightin’ or something?” Again, I can’t miss the venom laced in his voice.
“Why don’t you ask him.”
“I would but, he’s never around anymore.”
“Well, he’s not here, so-”
“Joseph?” he asks, cutting me off and taking another step closer, the light from the kitchen illuminating his bruised face. A likely result from the altercation with us girls at the club. The hair on the back of my neck rises with the realization that it’s just me and Sweetie here.
“I can let him know you stopped by,” I reply coolly.
He pauses just a few inches away, towering over me. I’m used to this from all the guys, but Jasper’s presence and way of speaking has me fearful about what he really wants. Again, he eyes me. I know he’s trying to intimidate me so I don’t show on my face that he’s making me nervous.
“Oh good, we can talk privately then. That stunt the other night, at the clubhouse? She tells me everything you guys talk about. You beggin’ Shine to leave me, I should make you pay for that shit.”
“You have no right to put your hands on someone like the way you do with Shine.”
“And what fucking business is that of yours?” he questions me in a tone that’s thick with hostility.
“It ain’t right,” I state.
“It ain’t right?” he mocks in my southern accent. “I don’t live a life by wrong or right. If she don’t like it, she’s free to go.”
“We both know that’s bullshit, she tells us everything you say too.”
I can’t help the words. But if he wants to hurt me, he’s already got that in his head and nothing I say can stop that.
“Ah, she told you my threats. Well, sweet, sweet, Missy,” he says, leaning down to be almost nose to nose with me, “I’d listen to her.”
Something happens inside me, the instinct to fight I’ve been feeling more and more takes hold of me, and it’s a feeling I’m starting to recognize as my independence.
“I know you’re trying to scare me or threaten me into minding my business. But I grew up with a woman whose life goal was to intimidate me and I guarantee you don’t have the patience or time to dedicate to that. So, no, I won�
�t be letting you beat my friend and yes, I will do everything in my power to make sure she leaves your no-good ass.”
Jasper’s nostrils flair and so do mine. My adrenaline pumping from standing up to him.
“Oh, Missy,” he says with chilling restrained anger. “I can be very patient and dedicated…when it’s something I want.”
His words send a spike of adrenaline through me. It’s not me he wants, I don’t think, but the revenge, he wants me to pay for interfering with his life. I know Sven said Jasper was crazy and now I see it’s depths.
“There a problem here?”
A male voice asks from behind Jasper and I inhale deeply with surprise. Jasper turns to look, his body moving aside to reveal a man I’ve never seen before.
“Who the fuck are you?” Jasper growls.
“I’m Bo Bocks. I’m an army buddy of Sven’s. He told me I could stay with ya’ll. He might’ve referred to me as ‘Boo-Boo’.”
He keeps adding more as Jasper and I both look at him clueless.
“Ah, yes, hi, I remember him mentioning you,” I smile, moving around Jasper and toward this other hulk of a man. I can already tell he’s a gentle giant; there’s something about his eyes as he looks at me.
“Did he mention to you I was comin?”
“It’s perfectly fine, we have plenty of room,” I nod, reaching my hand out to shake his. “I’m Missy.”
“Geez, Sven said you were pretty, but…you’re really pretty.”
Jasper makes a sound as if he’s making fun of Boo-Boo and I turn to face him.
“Goodnight, Jasper.”
“Want me to put my bags upstairs?” Boo-Boo asks.
“Don’t forget what I said,” Jasper says as he moves past me.
“And don’t you forget what I can do with an ashtray,” I reply, giving Jasper a sweet smile as he gives me one last look before leaving through the screen door.
“Somethin’ sure do smell good,” Boo-Boo comments.
“Oh, right, I’m making dinner. You hungry?”
“Starving! Been on a bus for a few days.”
“Well, come on in. Sweetie, dinner!” I holler up the staircase as we pass by and he follows me into the kitchen.
The three of us sit at the small table in the kitchen as we eat. Sweetie asks where Sven is, just as I hear the screen door.
“In here,” I call out and hear Sven’s boots as he walks along the wood floor in the hallway.
“Hey, Boo-Boo,” he greets his friend with a smile as the man stands and they hug in the way guys do.
“Hi, Daddy,” Sweetie says, as Sven kisses her cheek and I stand to make Sven a plate.
He kisses my cheek, then places his hands on either side of my neck and halts me so he can kiss my lips. “Hi,” he says, looking at my mouth afterward.
“Hi.” I smile as I feel my cheeks flush. After a few moments, he shows mercy on me and sits.
“When did you get in?” Sven asks.
“About a half-hour ago,” Boo-Boo replies.
“Boo-Boo’s seen mermaids before!” Sweetie announces, referring to the story he told her about coming from Louisiana and catching gators. Apparently, there’s old wives’ tales about other things living in the swamps.
“Sweetie, let them talk,” I tell her, setting Sven’s plate down in front of him.
“Thank you,” he tells me. When I sit down beside him again, I recognize he’s moved my chair closer to his while I was up.
“What did Jasper want?” Sweetie asks me and I’m caught off guard by her question.
“Jasper was here?” Sven asks as he chews.
“Just for a minute,” I reply, looking down at my food.
“What did he want?” Sven’s tone is flat, like he already knows exactly why he was here.
“He just asked if you or Joseph were around.”
“He wasn’t happy to see me,” Boo-Boo says cautiously.
I shake my head. “It was nothing,” I tell Sven and exhale with relief when Sweetie changes the subject.
After dinner, I read Sweetie a few books and tuck her into bed before taking a bath.
“Boo and I are heading up to the clubhouse,” Sven says as I enter the bedroom from the bathroom. He’s sitting on the bed, watching me as I slip a cloth nightie on over my head, then pull the towel that had been wrapped around my body out from beneath the fabric.
“Okay,” I reply, walking to my dresser and grabbing a comb for my hair.
“What did Jasper say to you?”
I turn to face him. “Nothing, he asked where you were.”
“Missy,” he says in a calm but firm voice, one I know means to cut the bullshit.
“I wanna hear about your appointment,” I say.
Again, this time without words, he gives me a look for me to tell him.
“He told me to keep my nose out of his and Shine’s relationship.” I shrug a shoulder.
“Did he touch you?” he asks, again with a flatness to his voice.
“No.” I state.
He nods once and looks away. I walk to him and perch myself on one of his thighs. Instantly, one of his hands slides over my thigh while the other tucks wet hair behind my ear.
“I’m sorry I started shit with him, I mean, I just can’t help myself. Shine’s so…lost. He’s just using her and I know she’s the one who has to put her foot down, but I just can’t stand by and watch him hit her in front of me and not help her, Gwen too…we just reacted. We’ve got that southern hot-head blood, what can I say,” I tell him with a lift of my shoulder.
He inhales deeply, then lets the breath out slowly as he looks in my eyes.
“You need a haircut,” I tease and he gives me a small smile. “So now tell me, how was the doctor’s?”
“Good, good,” he nods. “I feel...normal, or something like it, I mean, he assures me the way I feel isn’t out of the ordinary for guys like me. He wants to start some group meetings, with other guys from the area where we can all talk and stuff. I’m gonna try to get Owen and Joseph to go too, I think it’d help them.”
“That’s a good idea,” I tell him, leaning down to kiss his temple and run my fingers along his bearded jaw.
“I won’t be late,” he says, standing and causing me to stand too. It’s then I remember Boo-Boo’s waiting for him.
“You better not be. I need some of this,” I tease as I cup his crotch and slide my tongue up his neck.
“Fuck, Missy,” he groans and I step away, walking to the bed and crawling over to my side.
“See you later,” I smile and watch his pained eyes as he battles on what to do.
“Fuck it. He can wait five minutes,” he rushes out, as he launches himself onto the bed and between my legs.
22
MISSY
“So, no dress?” I ask while looking through the clothes inside my closet.
“I was gonna take the bike, but we can take the truck-holy fuck!” Sven exclaims, his voice halting as he turns toward the closet and sees me standing there naked.
“Okay, shorts then for the bike.” I narrow my eyes as I search for where a particular pair of shorts are. Turning my back to him, I raise myself up on my tip-toes, extending my arms and reach for a stack of folded clothes on the shelf above me.
His body pushes up behind me, while his hands reach around to cup my breasts and tweak my nipples. The touch shoots a hot bolt of need between my legs, but we’re going to be late and I’ve been looking forward to going out forever so I try to stay focused. Not finding the shorts I want, I’m lost in my thoughts, but not oblivious to the fact that now Sven’s hands have moved further down. Fingertips brush over my clit and my body jerks. “Stop,” I breathe out unconvincingly.
“What?” he whispers into my ear, “This?”
Again, his fingers slide by before returning and steadily rubbing me in circles. My arms lower and my hands grip the doorframe as my back arches, while his other hand slides into my hair. Widening my stance, I reach back with my
hands as he pulls me against his chest and I make quick work of his fly, then shove my hand in to pull out his erection. Looking over my shoulder at Sven as he looks down at me, I lift my leg and prop my foot on one of the shoe shelves, then guide him inside me. His jaw flexes as he looks at me, gripping my hips as he positions himself. Fingers in my hair tighten and our eyes remain on one another’s with a focus that has my core trembling. My hand plumps a breast and I bite my lower lip as he masterfully builds me up.
“Have I ever told you how much I enjoy that there’s a light in here?” Sven says.
We both smile and then he hits a spot that has my vision blurring and my eyes fluttering shut. Then my lips part and everything inside me tenses, while my walls clamp around his hard shaft and I moan. My fingers run over my tongue before reaching down and circling my clit.
“Missy, yes. Rub it, harder, faster. Fuck,” Sven coaches. “Your pussy feels so good on my dick. No one’s fucked you like me before, yeah?”
I nod and hold my breath as I come, wave after wave of euphoria crashes over me until I’m leaning my head against the doorframe. My foot lands on the wood floor, then Sven grasps my hips and fucks me hard and fast before spilling inside me. His body slumps against mine and we’re both panting. He kisses my shoulder before resting his cheek there, while his hips slow as he’s still curved over me. Moments later, I feel his fingers near my entrance, coaxing his semen back inside me after he’s pulled out.
I want to have babies with Sven, but I already feel like I neglect Sweetie with how much she stays over at Ida’s. Granted, they both ask me so it’s not as if I’m just dumping her there. But I worry that she’s going to become closer to Ida than to me. Still, I’m comforted knowing she has another woman, a grandmotherly figure, in her life who will help mold her.
Free Bird Page 20
