When I come through the door there’s a banner welcoming me, hanging in the entryway. My friends are standing there with smiles and I look at them one by one, Joseph and Owen with arms around Gwen and Shine, as they all yell “Welcome home!” in unison. My girlfriends hug me and then I glance up the steps to see Sweetie standing there. Her expression is hard to read. She’s not smiling, she’s not running to me, she’s almost glaring at the sight of me. I step closer, but she turns and runs off and out of sight.
“She’s fine, come on,” Sven says into my ear.
“No, I gotta talk to her,” I say, moving toward the steps, but his hand grabs mine and pulls me back.
Our friends move toward the kitchen, laughing and continuing like nothing’s weird.
“She’s just mad right now. She was nervous about seeing you. Let her just calm down and let the initial shock wear off. She’ll be fine,” he assures me.
And it’s then I realize these two have carried on life without me here. He’s become her parent and at this point he’s closer to her than I am. He knows her better now and I have to listen to what he’s telling me, even though it’s fighting every instinct I have to go and make things right.
“Come on, Shine made you some all-natural cake, or some shit.”
I give him a look and he sighs with a small nod.
A few hours later, everyone’s left and I finally work up the nerve to talk to Sweetie. Yes, I’m scared. She hasn’t come down since I’ve been home, Sven went up a while ago to see if she wanted cake, but returned moments later with the plate of cake still in hand. Before I can make it up the steps, the phone rings and I hear Sven answer it. Walking to her door, I see it’s open slightly but there’s no lights on inside. Pushing it open, the light from the hallway shines in on her empty bed, just at the same time Sven hollers up to me.
“That was Ida. Sweetie’s staying the night over there.”
She ran away from me and my heart tightens with sorrow. I know this can’t go on forever, but I want things between us to be fine again. Maybe that’s selfish, but I need her in my life, especially now. Just then, there’s a knock at the front door, yet I remain in front of her room.
“Sven, Faye back?” I hear Milton ask at the door.
“Yeah.”
“Hi,” I greet, as I come down the staircase to see them standing in the entryway.
When my eyes connect with Milton’s, it’s a strange sensation. Not love or lust, but another fondness I can’t put into words. He looks at me, really looks, maybe to verify I’m better now, healthy. I can’t contain how his observation causes my smile to widen before Sven clears his throat.
“Heard you got back today,” Milton nods. He’s still in his uniform and I can see married life’s been good to him, since he now has a little belly.
“A little bit ago. Congratulations on the wedding,” I add, coming to stand beside Sven.
“Yeah, congrats,” Sven also says.
Milton smiles tightly and looks at Sven, “You wanna do this now, or…?”
His question makes my pulse begin to thump, and I look toward Sven in question. “Yeah, come in.” Sven and I move aside for him to walk by and into the front room.
“Sven?” I ask.
“It’s okay,” he says softly, taking my hand and leading us to join Milton.
“Missy, there’s something we need to talk about,” Sven says.
“Sure,” I reply, sitting down, but not sure what this could be about.
“I’m not going to beat around the bush. There’s a warrant for your arrest from a robbery in Coral Groves,” Milton tells me, sitting adjacent to me on the couch.
My brows furrow, not remembering something like that ever happening.
“Me? I don’t know…I don’t remember anything like that.”
“The composites from the store clerk are clearly you and Jasper.”
“Oh my God, did we…? Was anyone hurt?” I ask in a panic, covering my mouth and feeling shame and guilt clutch my gut.
“No, you were just the look out. Jasper didn’t even have a real gun, but while you were in rehab, officers were here in Plantain investigating. They knew of Jasper and the club, but you,” he shrugs. “They pulled driver’s licenses from the area and the store clerk picked you,” Milton tells me. “They also contacted your parents who told them you were in Plantain.”
“The name on the warrant is Faye Hamilton. No one here remembers you with that name, well, at least the guys at the club they questioned…and your old boss,” Sven adds, glancing over at Milton.
“So, what do I do?” I ask.
“That’s up to you,” Milton says, standing. “But I’d sure hate to be regarded as a liar, especially to other law enforcement,” he tells me. “Goodnight,” he says, moving toward the front door.
Sven and I remain in silence as the screen door claps and we hear Milton’s car pull away from the house.
“Chilly can make you a new ID, nothin’ to it,” Sven says, looking at me.
I stand and move closer, wrapping my arms around his waist and burying my cheek against his chest. Letting out a long sigh, his palm presses against my back, rubbing up and down.
“I’m sorry, Sven. I know I’ve disappointed you.”
His hand slides into my hair, grasping tendrils in his hand and causing my head to tilt back.
“You’ve never disappointed me. You’re human, no one knows how to live life perfectly. You’re everything and everyone I ever hope to be.”
“Sven,” I sigh.
“No…you know what? Dr. Hastings asked me once to describe how I saw you. I described you as a sunset, always changing in the blink of an eye…and I envy that. He asked me, even now? Now that I know what you’ve been doing, even now that I know all the things you lied about and hid? And I said…” His words stop as he looks along my face. “Even now. Nothing you have done will ever disappoint me. You take life as it comes and you change with it, adapt to it. That’s admirable.”
A sob tears from my throat and our arms squeeze each other tightly.
“Thank you,” I state. Because there’s a million thank you’s I could say to him, that he deserves me to say one by one.
“There’s also something else I need to tell you, something I didn’t think I could while you were away,” he says with a tone of voice he’s layering with tenderness but is a thin veil over the concern I hear.
“Do I need to sit down?” I sigh, squeezing him tighter.
“Nah, this is fine,” he tells me, and I wonder if it’s easier this way because he can’t see my face.
One of his hands leaves me to rub over his face from the sound of it and I keep breathing slow and steady as to not begin to panic.
“Did you call your dad a while back?”
My brows furrow, my knee jerk response is no, but I realized through therapy that I did a lot of shit so out of character for myself that I really need to think about this.
“I don’t remember, but I’m guessing I did by your question.”
“Well, you threatened him with extortion. Money for drugs I guess.”
“Extortion?” I question.
“That you would tell everyone in your parents’ social circle in Mississippi, that Sweetie was yours and about his affair.”
Through therapy, I’ve learned the tools to deal with the low levels I reached in order to get drugs or money for drugs. But it doesn’t make it any easier, doesn’t make the shame or embarrassment not hit me like a brick to the chest. So, I look down at the floor, trying to remind myself that’s not me anymore. After a long pause and Sven’s arms tightening around me, giving me the support I need to hear the rest, I nod for him to continue.
“One day I got papers in the mail from your dad’s law office or some shit, adoption papers for Sweetie.”
“What?!” I burst out, raising my head, my eyes wide and lips parted.
“They were for your mom to adopt her. Your dad must’ve told your mom and gathered you were on
something or whatever. Maybe you told him, I don’t know.”
“So, what now? We have to go to court-”
“I took care of it,” he says, his rough palm nuzzling my cheek and neck. “So, Chilly’s really good with forging papers and doing stuff like I told you…” his voice trails off and I feel my stomach sink for some reason.
“What? What is it?” I ask in a panic.
“I had him change Sweetie’s last name to mine and put me as her father on some legal documents.”
His eyes are looking into mine like this is what I’m going to be mad about. But I feel nothing but love flow over me, realizing of all the things Sven’s done for me, for us. Sliding my arms around his shoulders, I hug him again, my eyes closing as I give him all of me.
“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you,” I whisper.
“I’m just as lucky,” he tells me, hugging me back and burying his face in the side of my hair.
“I promise I’ll be better, be a better mom and partner, I will.”
“I have no doubt.”
27
MISSY
Fun years pass by. I wasn’t chained down by drugs anymore and neither was Shine. Shine and Owen bought a house just a few blocks from us and I was so happy that those two were together, it took my mind off the seriousness of life to enjoy observing the love those two had. No one’s seen Jasper since he caught Shine and Owen getting it on in his apartment at the clubhouse, and I was grateful. I couldn’t help but feel violated by what he did to me, getting me addicted to drugs. Sven and I agreed it was revenge, a way of bringing his threat of, ‘being patient to get what he wanted’, to reality. It still just messed me up when I thought about how fucked up you have to be mentally to do that to someone. Anyway, Shine and Owen are now happy and together.
Joseph and Gwen are living in Joseph’s parents’ house, since his folks decided to go back to Norway for a while to help with elderly parents. Even though the house wasn’t theirs, I know they loved finally having a place to be alone together. They’ve been talking about getting married and are planning something for next summer. It makes me happy to see my best friend in love and so centered in her life.
It took some time to feel bonded and sure again in my relationships with her and Shine, which they both swear was on me, because nothing I could do would ever make them feel any bad way about me, or so they claimed. Part of it was because I was still finding things out about my behavior and things I’d done that I don’t remember, which always had me instantly feeling guilty. But, I continued to work on it.
Both Sven and I have been going to counseling with Dr. Hastings, together and solo. I was learning how to work on getting over the past and starting over, allowing Sven’s and my friends’ forgiveness to be a new start. I knew I had it too easy with them, since they loved me and let everything go. I knew that wasn’t the case for most addicts. Sven and I have been rebuilding and everyday is a day I am thankful, not only for my own clarity of mind, but for his.
When I learned that because of the warrant it would be best to change my name, as well as Sven telling me he’d “legally” adopted Sweetie, I knew what I needed to do. After talking to Chilly and waiting a few weeks for my official documents, I’ve finally received my new identification.
It’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for Sven to get up. The large manila envelope sits on the table as I sip my coffee and “More Than a Woman” by the Bee Gees plays on the radio beside me. When he finally comes down, wearing unbuttoned jeans and nothing else, my breath catches at the sight of him. He’s like a Nordic god with his blond hair and scruffy beard, his tight skin over thick muscles. I smile as he walks in, watching me looking at him as he scratches his jaw, before he leans down to kiss me. Desire pulses between my legs as I catch a whiff of his scent and his hand reaches out to slide down my neck and inside my silky robe.
“Wait,” I gasp between kisses and push him away with my hands on his chest.
He gives me a displeased growl while his fingers still try to open the front of my robe.
“I want you to see this first,” I giggle, reaching over and grabbing the envelope, holding it up between us.
He gives me a look and stands, pulling me to my feet before turning us so he can sit in the chair I had been occupying, setting me down onto his lap. He takes the folder, and holds it in front of us, opening the top and looking inside before reaching in to grab the papers. My eyes watch his face as he looks at the contents and what they say. I can see the moment he understands, the moment he reads my new legal name: Missy Frederickson. When his eyes flick to mine, his look is so tender I feel it in my soul. I smile and lean down to press my forehead to his. No words need to be said, nothing verbally can ever be exchanged between us that can ever describe how we feel in moments like this.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I see that,” he replies, grasping the back of my head and kissing me until I melt.
**
Everything was great for the first time I can remember, all but one thing. Sweetie and I still hadn’t healed, not completely. She still barely spoke to me, hardly ever acknowledged me. I didn’t know what to do. In the beginning, I gave her space, listening to Sven when he assured me she just needed time. But after months of silence, I decided that wasn’t working, so I went into her room, sat on her bed and demanded she talk to me. She didn’t. Most the time, she goes to spend time with Ida at her house and I just feel helpless and lost. Dr. Hastings said he’d be willing to come to the house to talk with her or us as a family, which is what Sven and I wanted, but when Sven proposed the idea to her, she refused. She seemed happy other than when I was around and was doing fine in school, so I was back to trying to give her space since I seemed to be the problem.
Sven and I had a long talk one night and he finally made me understand that I didn’t live for Sweetie. She was her own person and made decisions for herself and that I shouldn’t let her take over my life. I understood what he was saying and I’d never thought about it that way. He also reaffirmed what Dr. Hastings had been telling me, that maybe she fed off the attention of being dramatic that I gave her. I vowed to Sven that I wouldn’t focus all my attention on her and acknowledge I may have been fueling the problem. As hard as it was, I still tried to enjoy life.
We went on trips to Mexico with our friends, bike rallies all over the place, partying and just living life. Gwen and Joseph got married at the clubhouse, where Gwen proceeded to get wasted and reminisce with me about how things have changed since we first met until now. Nights were spent singing with the band at Blade’s Tavern, trips to Hawaii with all of us and where Gwen, Shine, and me all got matching shell necklaces we never took off.
I was coming to terms with my sobriety and being around people who did drugs, as most everyone did at the time, it wasn’t hard for me because I knew what it felt like to have that control taken from me, and I wasn’t going to allow myself to be weak enough to fall into that lifestyle again. I did however feel bad because since my recovery, Sven never indulged, not even a little weed here or there.
Even Shine was doing better. She’d gone to some hippie retreat for her detox, not that she was into the hard shit, and she still dabbled in pot and the occasional upper. Instead of focusing on predicting the future, she was now all about clearing the mind and the body and astrology. Somehow that led to making sweat lodges in the desert and having pagan fire dances out at Galaxy Field when the moon was full.
Life in general was amazing and life with Sven was more than I ever expected. The longer I went sober and dealt with things, I came to realize he loves me deeply, so deeply that he did everything he could to get me clean and then stood by me. Unconditional love. Like the love I’d always wanted my whole life, but never got from my parents. For that, he’ll never know how grateful and indebted I am to him. He always says I saved myself, but I know he’s just saying that out of modesty and not always wanting to hash out feelings.
/> Gwen, Shine and I are sitting in the garden in the backyard of my house, drinking ice tea. “No Reply at All” by Genesis is playing on cassette from the boom box sitting on the ground between us. The guys are on a run, and Sweetie’s at Ida’s, so we’re just hanging out and cross-stitching. We talk and joke between quiet moments of concentration, enjoying both the laughter and the silence. There’s an underlying feeling of energy bubbling among us, I know why I feel that way, but I’m also picking up on it from both of them.
“Okay, I can’t keep this a secret anymore,” I announce.
The two women pause and look at me, Gwen’s eyes lighting up as she smiles and sets her project onto her lap. “I have something I want to tell you guys too,” she says, barely able to contain herself.
“You go ahead,” I tell her.
“No, you,” she replies.
“I’m pregnant,” Shine interjects, and we both look at her. She’s not smiling. Actually, she looks terrified.
“Me too,” Gwen says, her happiness dulled by Shine’s sullenness.
“Me too,” I add, also feeling not so joyful now.
Gwen and I move toward Shine and sit beside her. She’s looking down at her hands.
“Aren’t you happy?” Gwen asks, tucking some of Shine’s hair behind her ear.
Free Bird Page 25
