‘Where’s that? Scotland?’
‘No, Teesside. You probably haven’t heard of it. Don’t worry, you haven’t missed anything.’ He stood up, crossed to the cabinet in the corner, took a half-empty bottle of Lagavulin off the shelf, poured himself a generous amount. Sat back down again, Lila watching him all the time. ‘What about you? Where you from?’
‘You keeping that to yourself?’ she said, deflecting the question, nodding towards the whisky.
‘You really want some of this? OK.’ He found another glass, poured her some. She smelled it, wrinkled her face. Tried it. And couldn’t stop coughing and gagging.
Tom smiled. ‘Hey, that’s expensive stuff.’
In between coughs she handed the glass back to him. ‘Have it . . .’
He took it. ‘So,’ he said again when she had calmed down, ‘what’s your story? How did you get here?’
She wiped her mouth with her sleeve, swallowed some tea. Gave the question, and the answer, some thought. ‘I . . . didn’t get on with my parents. I couldn’t live there any more.’
‘What happened?’
She looked at him, frowning. ‘Why d’you want to know all this?’
‘I’m interested. Getting to know each other. Just thought you might want to talk. But if you’d rather not, fair enough. Your story’s your story.’
‘No, it’s OK.’ She felt slightly ashamed at her defensiveness. ‘I’ll tell you.’ She paused, readied herself. ‘I don’t look back on what happened much.’ She paused again, thinking. ‘Actually, that’s not true. I think about it a lot. Especially my sister.’
‘What happened to her?’
‘She died.’ Lila saw Sophie’s face again in her mind’s eye. Smiling, vibrant. Beautiful. ‘Suddenly. Accident. And I don’t suppose my parents ever got over it. This is the bit I think about a lot. About what happened to them afterwards. At the time I just hated them.’ She stopped talking.
‘And now?’ said Tom, sipping his whisky.
‘Oh, I still hate them, but I try to understand them more. I mean, I’ll never forgive them for what they did to me. My mother especially.’
‘Which was?’ Tom readied himself for something horrific.
‘She brought in an exorcist.’
He nearly spat out his whisky. ‘Jesus Christ. Do they still have them?’
‘Yeah. But the Church keeps quiet about them. She brought one in for me. Said I was running wild, that I had a demon in me.’
‘A demon?’
Lila nodded. ‘When Sophie died they told me she’d gone away on a holiday. Then when she didn’t come back they told me she’d left them and gone to live somewhere else, somewhere better. And we weren’t supposed to talk about her. I didn’t know what was happening. My sister loved me. And I loved her. She wouldn’t just get up and leave. I knew it. But when I tried to ask them about it they got angry and told me to shut up. Then one day my mother said she’d heard from her. I thought this was brilliant. You know, Sophie’s coming back, hooray.’ Lila smiled sadly at the memory. ‘What she meant was, she’d been to a spiritualist and they’d told her Sophie was in heaven.’
‘Shit . . .’
‘Yeah. So then they had to tell me that Sophie was dead. And that was when shit got real.’
Tom poured himself another glass. ‘What happened?’
‘I was furious with them. You know, why haven’t you told me this? Why did you pretend she’d gone away? All of that. They said that they were going to tell me when I was older but they just hadn’t got round to it. I mean, I know now it was just their way of coping with it – that’s the part of me trying to understand it – but you know, I still can’t forgive them for it. For lying to me.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. So where does the exorcist come in? Seems like quite an escalation.’
‘Yeah, it was. After that my mother got worse. Church all the time, everything I did was wrong.’ Lila stopped talking, horrific memories being dredged up.
‘It’s OK. You can stop if you want.’
She shook her head. ‘No, I want to finish. It’s helpful, you know? Takes my mind off what’s just happened. Gets things in perspective.’
‘It’s up to you.’
‘So yeah. Church. She just got worse and worse. And my dad didn’t want to know, didn’t even try to stop her. And I tried to make it work, I tried to be nice to them, but she wouldn’t let me. So I just stayed away as much as possible. Went to see my friends in the park. Sat with them. Drinking, smoking. At least they made me feel wanted. Then when we were having an argument, my mother said that God had taken the wrong one. It should have been me, not Sophie.’
‘Really?’
‘Yeah. Well, you can imagine how I reacted. And then she brought in this exorcist. A vicious evil fucker called Father Gerald. I can still see him now. His eyes, his . . .’
She broke off, shuddering. Tom was concerned for her. Talking had stirred up more than unpleasant memories but he knew she was putting it into context with what had happened between her and Danny. ‘You don’t have to—’
‘No.’ Said louder than she had expected. She stared at him, tears appearing, eyes displaying hurt. ‘I do.’
‘OK.’
‘Father. Gerald. Father fucking Gerald . . . he held me down. He . . .’ She shook her head. ‘He called it getting rid of demons. I’ve got another word for what he did. And you know what? You know what the worst thing about it was? My mother didn’t just stand there while he did it. She helped him. Helped him tie me down, helped him do whatever he said. And all the time she smiled at me.’ Lila sighed. ‘Can I try some of that whisky again?’
Tom handed her his glass. She took a large sip. Grimaced as it went down, but held it. Like the pain of it helped her cope with an even greater pain.
‘And that’s that. I left home. Ended up meeting Kai. I knew he fancied me more than I fancied him but he had somewhere to sleep and he was all right, you know? All right to hang about with. So I did. And we ended up here.’ Another sigh. ‘And that’s when . . . well, you know.’
Tom knew some of it and wanted to ask her about the rest, about the missing student, but Lila kept talking.
‘What about you then?’ she said, wiping the tears away from her cheeks. ‘I’ve shown you mine, you show me yours.’ She tried to laugh. ‘Heart, I mean.’
He smiled at her words. ‘Well . . .’ Should he tell her? He wasn’t supposed to tell anyone but he felt she was owed something after what she had just admitted to him. The truth. Or something like it. As much truth as he could own up to. ‘OK, then. The first thing is, I’m not from Middlesbrough.’
‘Wow,’ she said, severely unimpressed. ‘That’s a shocker.’
He smiled. ‘I’ll tell you more. Then you’ll see why it’s important.’
‘OK, then.’
‘I’m from Manchester. Grew up there. Didn’t really have much family, just a sister who I loved more than anyone else. She was older than me, always there for me. Got me out of trouble. All of that. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I was easily led. Or at least that’s how I like to think of it. Maybe I was a bad kid. Or I just enjoyed doing iffy things.’
Lila looked wary. ‘Like what?’
‘Oh, nothing too bad,’ he said, trying to reassure her. ‘Breaking in to places, fights, that kind of thing. Nicking cars. Tabloid teenage tearaway, that was me.’ He smiled as he spoke. ‘I was just full of, I don’t know, anger. Rage. My dad had died when I was little and my mother left me with my older sister. She brought me up. And I think I took that anger out on, well, just about anyone who looked at me the wrong way. But it couldn’t last. I knew it couldn’t. Or at least I had enough sense not to keep doing it. I was going to end up in serious trouble.’
‘So what did you do?’
‘Joined the Royal Marines. What kids like me did then. Kids who hadn’t had a good education, but who wanted to get out from where they were. Wanted to do something with themselves.’
‘Lik
e killing people.’
‘Yeah, I heard that a lot. But that’s not what I signed up for. Honestly. I don’t even like guns. I just wanted to learn a trade, you know. University was, like, a million miles away. No way I could ever do that. So it was the Marines for me. Plus Julie, my sister, had a kid by then, Hayley, and she was living with this bloke she’d met. I got the feeling I was, I don’t know, surplus to requirements. It was time to move on.’
‘So where did you go?’
‘Not far from here, actually.’ Tom was aware of his Northern accent coming back. He hadn’t spoken in this much detail to anyone for a long time, apart from his therapist. He didn’t find it as bad or as awkward as he had expected. ‘Lympstone Commando Training Centre in Devon. Toughest place in the country. If they couldn’t sort me out, no one could.’
‘And they did.’
‘Yeah. Got nine GCSEs, graduated top of the class. Told you I wasn’t thick. Then off to Afghanistan.’ He swirled the whisky in his glass, emptied it. Refilled it. ‘Did twelve years as a commando. Saw some . . .’ He kept staring into the whisky. ‘Some things. Horrific things. Friends dying in front of me, all of that. But I didn’t just witness it. I helped create it.’
Lila stared at him, nervous again about sharing a house with this man she knew very little about. He noticed her concern.
‘Don’t worry. It was a long time ago. I was a different person then.’
‘What did you do?’
He shrugged, downed more whisky. It was lubricating his voice, freeing up his words. Helping him to get things out. ‘You don’t want to know. Really. You don’t. I’m still in therapy for it. And what came after. PTSD, depression, the lot. So anyway.’ He refilled his glass. Knew he needed to slow down. ‘Twelve years up, I left. Joined the Met as a copper.’
‘You were police?’ Again Lila looked wary.
‘Yeah. I was a DC in CID. Didn’t like it much. So I joined the Specialist Crime and Operations unit working undercover. That was more like it.’ He became thoughtful. ‘I suppose I’d become a bit of an adrenaline junkie. I needed something to . . . give me that kind of thrill. But something that still had structure to it. An outcome to work towards. Catch the bad guys. You know?’
He took another mouthful. Stopped talking. This was the bit, he thought. The part I shouldn’t admit to. He looked at Lila. Young, damaged but trying to work through it. He recognised something of himself in her. And because of that he felt able to share what he was about to say next.
‘Then I got sent up to Manchester. Back to Moss Side, where I’d grown up. I was supposed to infiltrate the drug gangs there.’ He stopped, looked at her. ‘Can I trust you?’
She looked suddenly shocked at the question. ‘What?’
‘Can I trust you? Really trust you.’
‘Yes . . .’ She looked at him strangely, trying to gauge why he had said that.
‘Only, I’m about to tell you something that’s going to compromise me.’
She looked very confused now. ‘Compromise? You’re talking like you’re still a copper.’
‘No, honestly. It’s just if I’m going to tell you the next bit, I need to know you won’t tell anyone else.’
‘Why would I tell anyone else?’
Tom smiled, had an idea. ‘OK, how about this. I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll tell you the next bit if you tell me what happened to that missing student. Or what you know about him. Yeah?’
Lila’s eyes widened. She looked like she was going to get up, make a run for it. Tom realised he had said the wrong thing.
‘Sorry,’ he said quickly. ‘Don’t get upset. We’re just talking here.’
‘You got me here to ask me questions. You’re a copper . . .’
‘Seriously, I’m not. I’m an ex-copper. Ex-Marine. I’m ex-lots of things. I’m just here. Me. A barman. This is it.’ He gestured round the room. ‘This is all I am. Here and now.’
‘So why d’you want to know about the student?’
‘Because I’m curious. There’s something going on round here and he’s connected to it. And I think you’re connected to it too, which is why people are looking for you. And I think the people looking for you are bad guys. And I’m trying to help you. I don’t want the bad guys to find you. But to do that, I need to know what you know. Simple as that.’
And it was, she thought, when he explained it that way. She scrutinised him once more. He seemed like a good man. She could usually spot the ones who were a bit off, who were lying to her. She’d had enough practice. But she didn’t get that vibe from Tom. He seemed genuine. And also, she recognised something in him that mirrored something in her. Some kind of damage, of looking for healing. A way back. Or a way forward.
‘OK then,’ she said. ‘But this had better be good.’
‘Oh, it’s good.’
Then the doorbell rang.
47
Tom and Lila looked at each other, shocked at first. Then Tom smiled.
‘If I go and answer that, will you still be here when I come back?’
‘Yeah.’
‘You sure? You won’t head out the window?’
‘Ha. Ha.’ She smiled when she said it.
‘OK. Won’t be a minute.’
He went to the front door, thinking he knew who it would be. The only person who called at this time of night. He opened it.
‘Hi, Rachel.’
He was right.
‘Hi, yourself.’ She smiled. ‘Saw your light on. Can I come in?’
He knew what that smile meant. ‘If you like, but . . .’
She stiffened. The smile faded. ‘You’ve got company.’
‘Haven’t we done this already?’
She relaxed. ‘Yeah, we have.’ She paused. They looked at each other.
There was something about her that made him want her. Like she had put some kind of spell on him. She knew how to make the base, reptilian part of his brain respond, even if he had previously been in deep conversation with Lila.
If Lila hadn’t been in the front room he wouldn’t have thought twice about asking her in and taking her upstairs. It was what they both wanted. An honest relationship in that sense, neither under any illusion. Or at least Tom hoped not. Part of him thought he should just send Rachel away now. But another part thought it might be possible for her to stay. Lila wasn’t his daughter, she didn’t have a say in who he slept with. Or when. He did have to take her into consideration, though. Especially bearing in mind what she had been about to tell him. And there was something else. On the phone, he had been wary of telling Rachel where Lila was. Looking at her now – and admittedly he probably wasn’t using his brain as his primary thinking organ – he didn’t see what the problem was.
‘You can come in if you like,’ he said. ‘But yeah. I do have company.’
She arched an eyebrow. ‘If you’re after a threesome you can forget it.’
‘It’s not like that.’ He sighed, decision made. ‘Come in.’
He walked into the living room. She followed. And stopped at the door.
‘This is Lila. I suppose it’s about time you two met. Lila, this is Rachel.’
Lila stood up quickly, ready to run again. Tom crossed to her, hands out. She flinched away. He didn’t touch her, dropped his hands to his sides. ‘It’s OK. She’s a friend of mine. That’s why she’s here. That’s why she came here last time. She often calls in at this time of night.’ He smiled in what he hoped was a reassuring way. ‘Nothing more than that, promise.’
Lila relaxed slightly. But if she had been holding a knife, thought Tom, she would still have kept a tight grip on it.
Rachel entered the room. Smiled at Lila. ‘Hiya. Don’t worry. I’m off duty.’ She helped herself to a whisky, sat down on the sofa.
‘I’m not pressing charges,’ said Tom. ‘That’s all over with. Lila and I’ve sorted it out.’
Rachel shrugged. ‘Off duty, like I said. Not my problem. You two do what you want to do.’
She looked at the whisky, smelled it, put it down untouched. She stood up once more. ‘I’ll put the kettle on instead. Tea?’
‘Lovely,’ said Tom.
Rachel left the room.
Tom looked at Lila. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘She pops in from time to time, like I said. When she’s finished work.’
Lila still looked wary. ‘And she’s a friend?’
‘Well –’ Tom felt himself reddening – ‘bit more than that, actually.’
Lila understood. Relaxed a little more.
‘That’s all. I couldn’t not let her in. Not again.’
Lila sat back down, but remained perched on the edge of the chair. ‘She’s married, isn’t she? She’s got a wedding ring on.’
‘Yeah, she’s married. And I don’t pry into that. It’s up to her what she does and how she copes with it. Her marriage might be in a dreadful state for all I know. Her husband might be doing the same thing.’ He shrugged. ‘I never said I was perfect, or a saint or anything like that. I’m probably the opposite.’
‘Well, it’s up to you what you do.’ She looked at the door that Rachel had gone through once more. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘No, don’t do that. Stay. Talk. We were having a good old chinwag.’
She rolled her eyes at his choice of words. He smiled. Both movements felt slightly strained. As though they were trying to pretend they were still having a good time.
‘Yeah, well, she’s put a stop to that. Goodnight.’
‘Wait.’ Tom laid his hand on Lila’s arm.
She looked at it. Some kind of boundary had been crossed but neither of them knew what. Tom had always kept a physical distance from her, making sure she was comfortable in his presence. This broke that rule completely. He withdrew it.
‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Don’t go, though. Stay.’
She glanced at the door again. Tom thought she looked nervous, agitated.
‘Is something wrong? Is it Rachel? Have you had a run-in with her already? You needn’t worry. I told you, you’re safe here.’
Lila looked as though she wanted to believe him. Tom didn’t think she was convinced.
‘I’m still going to bed.’
The Old Religion Page 21
