by Amy Lane
Larx nodded, which was good, because she was on a roll. As their feet crunched on the icy road and the dog ran circles around them, a rush of hope hit her chest, so hard she almost gasped. The sun was peeking through the trees, and the sky was this incredibly Easter egg shade of blue—gold, blue, green, the red of the dirt under their feet—it was a beautiful day. Cold as fuck—but beautiful. And she’d made decisions. And she was going to make some more.
And this baby would never be all alone, never with just Olivia for love.
Olivia had backup.
She could do this.
“I… I could really use some quiet time with Aaron,” Larx said in a small voice.
“Yeah.” Olivia took a deep breath. “Elton called his parents to ask for money so we could stay in Auburn for two weeks for the depression clinic.”
“Oh!” Larx smiled, some of the care falling from his face, from his shoulders. “Really? You decided to do that?”
“Yeah, Daddy. You and Elton—you’re a good team.”
He laughed brokenly, but he didn’t deny it.
“I,” he said slowly, probably because he hated to talk about himself, “would really, really like to not worry quite so much about you. I mean… I’ll always worry about you, but since Christmas….”
He used to take her and Christi walking when they were kids—nature walks, science walks. Look at this tree with the red leaves shaped like stars—it’s deciduous, do you know what that means? See that gray squirrel? It’s not indigenous to this area, it’s an invasive species, which is too bad because they’re really stupid and the brown ones are smarter. And at first they’d be all “Run to the thing! Touch the thing! See the thing!” But in the end, it was less about the thing than it was about spending time with Dad. They always ended those walks, the three of them, hand in hand, Larx in the center, because he was the center of their world.
Now she had Elton, and baby-to-be-named-later, but Larx—Larx would always be her daddy. She would always want to take a walk—or a jog—with him. Like the little girl she used to be, she grabbed her father’s hand. So cold—she had gloves on, but he’d run out into the morning without even his hat. Poor Daddy.
“I’d like that too,” she said softly, reassured when he squeezed. “I’d like to enjoy the sunrise. To take my baby walking with Elton. To see what kind of dad he’d be.”
“I’d like to see that,” Larx admitted.
“He might even be as good as you,” she said, leaning her head on his shoulder for a moment.
“He might even deserve you,” Larx said, making her smile.
She didn’t have anything to say to that, and they walked in silence for a while. As they drew closer to the house, he paused under a giant granite boulder that marked their property and tugged at her hand.
“Look!” he said, excitedly, kneeling near the base of the boulder. “Get aw—Dozer, you dumbass, go on!” The dog ran around the tree looking for a squirrel, and Larx stroked a dark green leaf tenderly. “I planted them three years ago, and they’re still coming up! I had to add a fuckton of potting soil, you know?”
“Pretty,” she said, looking at the shoots poking their way through the snow. “What will they be?”
“Pinks, buttercups, crocuses.” His face had that sort of weary peace that came after someone had cried for a while and the storm had passed. “Snow flowers, you know? Means it’s getting warmer.”
“They come up every year?”
“Sometimes the snow kills them off. I’m just glad the bulbs survived.”
Well, with her father’s love and strength of will, anything would.
“Me too.”
She squeezed her father’s hand in the beautiful morning, and together they walked him home.
CROCUS
AARON WAS waiting for them outside as they approached. Larx regarded him with a sort of weary joy. Dozer barked happily and leaped forward so Aaron could assure him he was still a good boy, always a good boy, and he should go inside for treats.
Dozer took off to scratch woefully at the door, and Aaron walked toward Larx and Olivia. Olivia let go of Larx’s hand, breaking the illusion he’d sustained that she was a little girl again. Instead she kissed Larx on the cheek, then stepped forward and hugged Aaron tight.
“Told you I’d get him,” she said with a little smile.
“Thanks, honey. There’s waffles and hot chocolate inside, if you want.”
Olivia paused and put her hand on her stomach. “You know… that sounds amazing.” She disappeared into the house with Dozer, and Aaron walked the last few paces to Larx. He took off his gloves first and wrapped his hands around Larx’s chilled ones, pulling them to his mouth and blowing.
“Baby, you didn’t even have a hat on.”
Larx swallowed hard. “I’m so sorry—” His voice cracked on the y, and Aaron pulled him forward into a full embrace.
“No sorry,” he whispered. “None. You don’t have to be sorry to me for a damned thing.”
Larx shuddered in his arms, hard, and again, and hugged him back and held tight. His head, aching and stuffed from running and crying for damned near five miles, was suddenly too heavy to move from this spot, right here, on Aaron’s shoulder.
“Want to go inside?” Aaron asked softly. “The horrible parents are gone. Elton ordered them away, told them to wait a day before they tried an apology. You would have been proud of him, Larx. He’s a great kid.”
Larx nodded. “He better be. Olivia’s pretty awesome.”
“They’ll be okay together,” Aaron told him, and after Larx’s walk with his daughter, he could nod his head and have hope that wasn’t bullshit. He shivered again, and Aaron murmured, “C’mon. Let’s go upstairs. Let’s talk.”
Larx shook his head. Then he reached out and twined his fingers with Aaron’s, pulling their hands to his chest, over his heart. “This,” he whispered. “This is sore. I needed you. I needed you so bad. And you were hurt. And all I wanted to do was be at your side. All I wanted to do was lose my shit, cry, stomp, and scream. Forever—you promised me forever—and I didn’t think that was a real thing, but then there was us and then you got shot and I’m so angry. I’m so fucking angry, I lose myself in my own head when I’m driving, and I feel it, building. Just… just raw fucking fury, and I’m going to lose it. I’m going to come home and yell and say something awful, something unforgivable, and drive you away so I’ll be alone, but at least I won’t… at least I won’t….”
Aaron just held him, letting him spill, not trying to soothe him, not even a little, which was the only reason he could say the next part, the unforgivable part.
“At least I won’t lose you, won’t have you ripped away from me. Sometimes I’d just rather know I’ll be alone, know there’ll be this big stupid blank empty space in my soul instead of dream about a future where there isn’t one!”
Aaron’s arms tightened. He didn’t leave, he didn’t let go, he didn’t yell. “Why didn’t you?” he asked, voice as raw as Larx’s. “Why didn’t you come home and yell at me and say the unforgivable thing?”
“Because….” Larx closed his eyes against this, but nothing was going to hold back the whole of it now. “I’d… I’d see you, and you’d smile and… and I’d stomp on the mad, and it would be all okay, because I had you, I have you, and what kind of dumbass kicks a perfectly good man out of his life because he’s afraid that man is going to get killed on the job!”
For a moment, the air around them was so silent, Larx could hear Aaron struggling for breath. Then a magic sound happened.
Aaron’s soft chuckle rippled under Larx’s cheek.
“What?” Larx asked, feeling stupid and young and all those things he’d been avoiding feeling by not talking over the past couple of weeks.
“I don’t know what makes you think I’m a perfectly good man. I’m sort of an averagely good man, really. I’m sure there are perfectly good men out there with less of a chance of getting shot—”
L
arx scowled up at him. “Shut up.”
And Aaron caught his cold cheeks between his warm, gloved hands and captured Larx’s mouth in a sweet, brief kiss. When he spoke again, it was maybe the last thing Larx expected to hear.
“Marry me.”
Larx gaped. “Wha—?”
“Marry me. So if I’m ever in the hospital again, I’m not just your boyfriend or the man in your life. I’m your husband. So when Olivia walks down the aisle and has that baby, whichever order it happens, I’m her stepdad. So I’m the baby’s grandpa legally, and if Kirby so much as skins his knee, you can make decisions without me. So the whole world knows I love you, and if I leave your side, it’s because I absolutely had no other goddamned choice. And if….” His voice caught here, leaving Larx with another wound. “And if you ever run out that door again because your heart’s too full or too angry, I know, without a doubt, that you’ll be back for more than your stuff.”
Larx closed his eyes, thinking he’d say something vague, something that would put the question off for when he was less angry, less distraught, less raw.
“Yes.” He gaped at himself and shut his mouth, wondering how that came out. “Yes,” he said again, because apparently words were taking a shortcut from heart to mouth without stopping at brain so it could fuck them up. “Yes, I’ll marry you. God, God yes. If I want to marry you now, as pissed off as I am right now, I’ll want to marry you every other goddamned day of our lives.”
Aaron gave another rocky chuckle and kissed him, hard, like they were each other’s, like they would be forever. Larx responded hungrily, drinking in his generosity, his possession, his life, while the world was peaceful and good.
Aaron gave a little gasp, and then Larx felt him, grinding up against Larx’s leg in frustration.
Oh man, Larx wanted him so bad.
He closed his eyes and pulled away. “I don’t suppose our kids are all going to the movies, are they?”
Aaron groaned. “No! Oh God, I wish.” He took a breath back, and they both tried to pull their brains out of their desire.
“Maybe,” Larx said, desperate, so desperate for time just with Aaron. “Maybe if we just close the door, say grown-up time, and… I don’t know. Leave the TV on. Is that a bad idea? We just….” He wanted to sob. “We were in a good place this morning. I… I want that place back. I want it so bad.”
“Let’s try that,” Aaron promised. “C’mon. First, baby, let’s get you inside.”
THEY WERE greeted by excited kids wanting to tell an exciting story, and Larx let them. Nobody asked where he’d been or why he’d left—he wondered if Aaron had briefed them, or if they were just close enough to adulthood to exercise the ultimate in kindness.
Breakfast was still on the table for him, and the strawberries and waffles turned out to be the thing that had been missing from his life that he’d never known. He demolished his stack, whipped cream and all, and then finished the dishes quietly while everybody went to change.
While he was washing, his youngest threw out a casual miracle.
“Daddy, I’m going to drive Olivia and Wombat Willie home—Princess is whining a lot about running in her jeans and needing a shower and whatever. It’s actually set day for the drama club—you know, paint the flats, set them up, lights and stuff. We all know people who’re gonna be there—we thought we’d go help.” She was so insouciant about it, dark glossy hair scraped into a ponytail, bright, wicked brown eyes flashing up at him brightly.
And he thought, of course. Isaiah had been stage manager three years running—Kellan would know a lot of people in the play this year.
“Course. How long do you think you’ll be gone?” he said, trying not to launch into the CW Frog dance, complete with top hat and everything. Aaron had sat quietly during breakfast, touching his knee, drinking coffee, and talking in low tones while Larx mostly nodded. He was out of words. Maybe tomorrow he would tell everybody that they were getting married, have a plan, set a date. Right now he was content just to know it would happen—that Aaron wanted it to happen, just as much as he did.
“Well, they should be done by four, and I think everybody’s going out for pizza afterward.” She gave him a coy little bat of the lashes, and he laughed.
“Would you like to raid my wallet so you three may, too, have pizza afterward?”
“Oh, Daddy, you’re the best!” She said it with such unctuousness that he had to laugh.
“Just remember that I’m the best sometimes when I say no,” he told her, and was rewarded by her arms over his shoulders and a kiss on his cheek.
“Have a good quiet day,” she said, voice completely at odds with the impish little opportunist she’d presented herself as. “We’ll text you before we come home—let us know if you want us to bring dinner, okay?”
Larx nodded, swallowing hard. His emotions were still perilously near the surface, and he thought again what a miracle his children were—Christiana in particular at the moment, but all his children, as a whole.
“Maybe offer to take Jaime when you drop off Livvy,” he said, because the boy had a habit of showing up during quiet times so he could play with the dog. Two miles was a damned long walk to play with a dog.
“Way ahead of you,” she chirped. “We already texted him, and he’s up and ready.”
Oh, God love them all.
“Thanks, honey. Just….” He couldn’t even look at her. God, even if Aaron hadn’t been there, his whole body hurt with the need for peace. “Thanks.”
She kissed his cheek again, and the whole lot of them made a loud and noisy exit. Larx put the last plate in the drying rack and was unsurprised when Aaron stepped behind him, wrapping his arms around Larx’s waist and kissing the back of his neck.
“Are we really all alone?” he said softly.
“We really are.”
“I can’t promise acrobatics and fireworks.” Yeah, he said that, but he was nibbling on Larx’s ear and tugging slightly, and Larx’s groin was one big aching mass.
“I’ll take you naked,” Larx promised fervently. “Naked and an orgasm… I’m not picky.”
Aaron laughed outright. “You’re a cheap date. Which is good, ’cause we’re both public servants and make diddly over squat.”
Larx dried his hands on a dish towel and, blasphemy! Left it on the counter. Then he turned and kissed Aaron soundly.
And then pulled back and wrinkled his nose. “I… I’ve got sweaty parts,” he apologized. “Pits and stuff. And…. God, I haven’t even brushed my teeth!” In horror he put his hand up over his mouth as though he could suddenly take back all the necking they’d been doing over the last half hour.
“Ditto,” Aaron agreed. Then he smiled, whimsical and playful. “Shall we take a half-hour break for hygiene and morning things and then, you know. Meet back in your bed, naked, like a date?”
“Sure.” Then his eyes opened in horror. “Who gets the kids’ bathroom—”
“One, two, three—”
“Not it!” they both cried, fingers to noses. Larx sighed. Dammit.
“You win,” he said. “I’ll go get my hazmat suit.”
Aaron cackled. “Well, since Kirby is my son, and he learned his habits from me, I’ll cut you a break. Half an hour?”
God, he was wonderful. “Your sports magazine is in the living room,” Larx told him, grinning.
“And your science magazine is on the dresser,” Aaron informed him. “One, two, three—”
“Break!”
USING THE bathroom in peace was a luxury, and so was a shower without a time limit. Larx was about five minutes later than the promised half an hour, and Aaron hadn’t quite gotten there yet himself. Larx—clean, dry, naked—slid between the sheets of their bed and shivered with the sheer sensuality of it.
Then his carnal horndog took over, and he went rooting through his end table for a few select items they might want. Aaron wasn’t ready to be penetrated yet, and he wasn’t ready to pound Larx into the mattress either—but
that didn’t mean they couldn’t have fun in other ways, with other things. Hell, most of their sex happened with the lights off, trying to be as quiet as church mice so the other mice in their church wouldn’t know what was going on—just opening the drawer was a big naughty spot.
They’d already learned that being able to have sex as loudly as possible was one of the most erotic things they’d experienced in their lives.
He’d just set out his pitifully small assortment of toys when Aaron slunk in through the door with a towel around his waist. He looked over his shoulder sheepishly before turning the lock, and Larx covered his eyes with his hands.
“We’re alone,” he said, smirking.
“I am aware,” Aaron said with dignity, draping the towel on the dresser. “I just… you know. The dog was giving me the eye, and I didn’t want to explain.”
“The dog?” Holding his face straight was incredibly difficult.
“We, you know. We cut off his balls, Larx. We cut off the dog’s balls, and here we are. About to have sex. And he knows it. It feels like we’re taunting him.”
Larx lost it, rolling to his side and howling into the pillow. “Taunting him?”
“It’s not funny!”
“Oh, it had better be funny! Taunting him?”
“He might have wanted balls! I mean, I know it was policy, and I even know why—”
“Aaron, sweetheart, your dog would have committed suicide by mountain lion. You know that. I love that dog, but God knows he’s not bright, and he’s a little lazy. He would have gone out into the wilderness to get him some tail, tried to fuck a mountain lion, and died. Animal control would have had to tell you, ‘We’re sorry, Mr. George, but your dog was trying to fuck a mountain lion and he died. We’ve had his wiener bronzed—would you like it for a keychain?’”
Aaron was openly laughing now. “A keychain?”
“Yes. Their wieners are little and ugly—a keychain at the most.”
“His balls could have been fuzzy dice on the car, at least,” Aaron said, and now he was the one holding a straight face.
