by A. E. Wasp
“Could you drive me to Fossil Ridge maybe later around eight thirty?”
“Fossil Ridge? What do you want to go there for?” He held up his hand. “Wait, don’t tell me. Booty call?”
“No. He’s just got some shit going on, and he wants to talk to a friend. It’s not a booty call. His kid lives there.”
“I keep forgetting he’s got a kid. Talk about a cock-blocker. That’s worse than trying to fool around in your parents’ house.”
“So, you’ll drive me?”
“Of course. But you have to get a ride home. I need to work on some of my commissions. I’m getting really far behind.”
Benny took the heavy hand cart from Chris and pushed it into the studio. Jay-Cee had already started the armature for a statue of a woman he had been planning. Benny could see the lines of the sculpture that would eventually appear, and his hands itched to dig into the clay.
During some of Benny’s weaker moments, he envied Chris’ drawing ability with an intensity that threatened to get in the way of their friendship. He’d never really had a chance to find out if he could be an artist, and it was probably too late. But the urge to create something was strong in him, and the healthier he got, the stronger the urge grew.
“No problem,” he said to Chris. “I’ll find a way home. I can always grab a cab. Hey, do you think one day you could come over and show me how to hook the tablet up to my computer? You said there was some program that would help me draw straight lines?”
Chris smiled broadly, white teeth glowing in the dim studio. He’d been gently urging Benny to try drawing digitally for a long time. “Yeah, no problem. Just say when.”
“Okay. I will.”
chapter seven
The map on Chris’ phone directed them deeper into the Fossil Ridge neighborhood than Benny had ever gone. It led them down unnecessarily curvy streets that had been named Lois Lane and Sunny Court, presumably without a trace of irony.
When they pulled up in front of Mikey’s house, Chris threw the car into park and craned his neck out the window to get a good look. Benny leaned forward to try and see around him.
“That sure is some Stepford Wife looking house,” Chris commented.
Benny nodded. Mikey lived in a two-story brick and wood sided house with an attached two-car garage. A front porch, too narrow to be anything but decorative, ran from the door, past a picture window, and to the edge of the house. Red geraniums in planter boxes lined the porch railing. The lawn was perfectly green and evenly cut.
If you took away the lawn and replaced it with rocks and cactus, it would be a twin to the house Benny had grown up in. This was a serious house; a grown up house. When had Mikey become a grown up?
The answer was obvious even to Benny: the second Jasmine had been born.
“You gonna be okay?” Chris laid a hand on Benny’s shoulder.
“Yeah. It’s good.” He started to get out of the car, but Chris stopped him. “What?”
“You really like this guy.” Chris stared at him.
“Yeah? I mean. He’s my best friend. I’ve kind of known him forever.” And he was waiting inside. Benny reached for the door, but Chris stopped him with a hand on his arm.
“You knew him. When he was a kid. You haven’t seen him for like eight years. You don’t know what he’s like now.”
Yeah, but now I know how he looks when he comes, Benny thought but didn’t say. He picked at the threads in the hole of the knees of his jeans. “It’s Mikey. I know him.”
Chris sighed, searching for the right words. “But you like him, like him, right? And you guys are dating? Not to sound like a fourteen-year-old girl. And this -” He waved at the house out the window –”this is a big deal. This is real. He’s got a kid. You can’t just pop in and out of a kid’s life. That stuff, it hurts them. It really hurts.”
The wistfulness in his voice told Benny, Chris had intimate knowledge of that kind of hurt. He’d known Chris had grown up with a single mom. Chris seemed to have an ‘uncle’ story for every situation that never failed to crack Benny up. He’d never thought about how living with a rotating cast of men had affected young Chris.
The weight of Chris’ words knocked him back into his seat. He ran his fingers through his hair, straightening out the curls as he went. “I know. I mean, I know he has a kid. But, God, I just found him again. And he said she’d be asleep. So it’s not like I have to meet her today. We’ll have time to be just us for a while. I think we’ll be taking it slowly.” Maybe the more he said that the more he could believe it. He wanted to want to take it slow. That was the normal, healthy way. But all he wanted to do was to grab on to Mikey and never let go.
“Well, that’s good. You want to wait until you know it’s got a decent chance of working out.” Chris nodded approvingly.
Not work out with him and Mikey? Benny didn’t know what that even would look like. Now that he had Mikey back in his life, he wasn’t going to lose him again. “It’s fine. Mikey and I were friends, are friends. And we always will be from now on. No matter what happens.”
Chris looked at him skeptically, then his expression softened. “I hope it does. I know it will. You deserve a good friend.”
“I’ve got you now.” He knocked shoulders with Chris and smiled.
“You wish.” Chris fought a smile.
“Nope. We’re friends. I’ve worn your sweatpants. Slept on your couch. You’ll never get rid of me now.”
“So, you’re like bed bugs?” Chris asked seriously.
“I’m exactly like bed bugs. And I bite.”
“That I remember. Now get out of my car. I have work to do.”
Benny reached an arm around Chris and pulled him into a hug. “Thanks, babe. I owe you one.”
Chris rolled his eyes. “See you tomorrow.”
Benny got out of the car and walked slowly up to the door. He heard Chris driving away as he tried to peer through the etched glass oval on the dark wood front door. All he could make out were shadows. He rang the bell.
“I’ll get it!” a high sweet voice rang out.
Oh, no. The kid was supposed to be asleep. Fuck. Benny quickly tugged the wrinkles out of his t-shirt and ran his hands over his face, he really should have shaved at some point this week. Not that he was in any danger of growing a beard.
A dark shadow came closer to the door. “Jasmine. Get back in bed,” Mikey’s deep voice rumbled.
Ooh, Mikey’s dad voice was kind of hot.
The door pulled open, and Mikey stood there in faded blue jeans that looked they would be soft under Benny’s fingers and an old t-shirt from their high school. His hair hung loosely around his face, the ends of his locs brushing his collarbones.
He shoved them behind his shoulders with the back of his hand as he pulled the door open. “Hey, come on in. Obviously, we’re a little behind schedule tonight.”
“Who is it, Daddy?” The little girl Benny had caught a glimpse of at Pride stood at the foot of the stair in a pink nightgown covered in hearts and a matching pink scarf on her head. She stared at Benny, her eyes wide.
Mikey motioned for Benny to come in all the way and shut the door. “This is my friend, Mr. Quintaña.”
What? The last person who had called him that had been wearing a uniform and telling him he was no longer welcome in the U.S. Marine Corp.
“You don’t have any friends,” Jasmine stated.
“I have friends, Miss Smarty-pants, now say goodnight and get in bed. I’ll be up in a minute.”
“Goodnight, Mister Quintaña.” She pronounced it Quin-ee-anna. Close enough for Benny.
“Good night, Jasmine.”
She looked at him suspiciously, head tilted, hands on her tiny hips. “How do you know my name?”
Benny suddenly remembered getting the exact same look from another member of Mikey’s family. “Oh, my God,” Benny burst out. “She looks just like Vanessa! I thought she was a mini-you, but she’s a mini-Ness.”
“You got
that right, attitude and all,” Mikey laughed. He turned back to Jasmine. “He knows your name because I told him about you. Now. Bed, or no tv tomorrow.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m going.” She stomped up the stairs as if she weighed a hundred pounds, tiny dreadlocks bouncing with each step.
Benny bit his lip to keep from laughing, but he couldn’t hide the laughter in his eyes.
Mikey held up a finger in warning. Don’t start, he mouthed. “There’s beer in the fridge,” he said, heading up the stairs. “Help yourself. I’ll be down in one minute,” he said, emphasizing the last two words for Jasmine’s benefit.
Benny snorted quietly and headed down the hall in what he hoped was the direction of the kitchen. He passed a bathroom, and a room with a desk piled high with papers and a computer.
In the kitchen, he helped himself to a glass of water and settled down at the table.
As the one minute stretched to five, he gave into the urge to snoop just a little bit. He walked around the kitchen.
Construction paper hearts covered most of the refrigerator doors. Some of them flapped like butterflies, the sides of the heart spreading out from the creased line in the middle. Some had paper lace doilies backing them, and some were cut from lined notebook paper or pieces of office paperwork.
On each one was scrawled variations of ‘I love you, Daddy.’ The newer ones in a child’s hand, the message on the older, faded hearts had obviously been written by a helpful adult. Near the top of the fridge, the oldest one, red faded to a pale pink, had a picture of Jasmine as a baby glued in the middle of it. White yarn was threaded through a hole punched into the top. Printed around the sides in marker was the message ‘Happy Valentine’s Day, Mommy – Jasmine, age 2.’ Shit. Benny’s breath whooshed out of him. That was a bit too much to think about. He moved on to a different spot.
Below the take-out menus stuck haphazardly on the fridge was an announcement about a pre-school graduation that had happened a month ago. And, down near what Benny figured would be eye-level for a four-year-old, were three photographs in clear plastic frames. Benny lifted one of them off the door.
It was the classic post-birth pose. Mikey leaned over the rail of a hospital bed, head pressed against an exhausted looking Julia holding a swaddled bundle that had to be newborn Jasmine.
He put it back in place, the frame sticking to the door with a click, and picked up the next one.
Mikey and Julia, both a little bit younger, sat at a picnic table in a park or someone’s backyard, laughing at something. Julie’s smile reached every part of her face, and in the photo, Mikey was looking at her like she hung the moon.
He heard Mikey coming down the hall and turned to him, photo in his hand.
“Hey. Is she asleep?”
“She’s in bed. Which is all I can ask for.” He carried a white baby monitor. Red lights flashed across the face of it, and Benny could hear Jasmine breathing and humming softly to herself.
Mikey looked at what Benny was holding. “That was the first day I ever talked to her. It was an orientation barbecue for new law students.”
“She looks like I would have liked hanging out with her.” Benny stared at the picture, trying to imagine what her voice sounded like and how she would have been with Mikey. “Do you think she would have liked me?”
Mikey took the picture out of Benny’s hands and stuck it back on the fridge. “She would have loved you.” He pulled out a beer and held it out for Benny.
Benny shook his head no.
“More for me.” He twisted the top off the bottle. “So, I’ve learned something terrible about parenting. Something I wished I’d known back when I was a kid.”
Benny followed Mikey into the living room. The days were long this close to Midsummer, and the red light of dusk filtered in through the curtains, giving the room a golden glow.
Benny stopped on the threshold. “Is that the couch from your parents’ basement?”
“Yeah. They were putting a ton of stuff into storage when they moved. I love this couch.” Mikey settled into the couch with a groan, then lifted the beer to his lips. A vivid memory of his dad making the same noise, the same gesture, slammed into Benny, overlaying itself on top of the here and now. Next to Mikey, Benny felt like a kid clomping around the house in his father’s shoes and tie, playing at being a grown-up. Right now, Mikey was treating him like an equal, but eventually, he was going to realize Benny was full of shit.
Benny knew a change of topic when he heard one. “What did you learn?”
“You can’t really make them do anything,” Mikey said, continuing the conversation. “Even as tiny babies. Maybe especially as tiny babies.”
“I seem to remember my dad making me do a lot of stuff I didn’t want to do.” Benny sat down on the opposite side of the big purple couch, his back against the padded armrest and one leg tucked under him like he’d done a thousand times before in his past life.
Mikey shook his head. “It feels that way when you’re a kid, but think about it, if you were willing to take the punishment, you didn’t have to do it.” He took a swallow of beer and Benny’s eyes tracked the movement of his throat. “I’m not talking about, you know, abusive parents. Parents who beat their kids, obviously. But normal, everyday parents just trying to get their kid to clean up their rooms. Or go to sleep.” He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling.
Benny considered it. Mikey was kind of right. He’d done the things he’d done mostly because he didn’t like his parents being mad at him. Or disappointed with him. He hated disappointing people. Not that you would know that from the trail of people he’d left in his wake. The ones who were only disappointed were the lucky ones. Man, he was maudlin tonight. He needed to shake this mood off.
“I never thought about it that way before,” he said. “You’d better get her good and scared of you before she’s a teenager then.”
He sat up straighter. “God, no. I hate the thought of her being scared of me.”
Mikey seemed upset just thinking about it. The expression on his face was so sweet and soft, Benny wanted to lean over and kiss him. But he didn’t. Ever since he’d pulled up in front of this house, the past had been pushing its way into the present. And sitting on a couch like this with Mikey, wanting to kiss him, but too scared to make a move, was a feeling he was used to from endless nights and weekend spent the exact same way.
Whatever was going to come next for them would be completely new, and despite his confident words to Chris, Benny was terrified that he would lose Mikey again.
In the corner of his mind, he knew he was being irrational. Mikey had said straight up he wanted to do this. He wanted to date Benny. But the odds were against them, most relationships Benny knew of ended in disaster. How many times did people get the happily ever after?
Everything was easy in the abstract. When he wasn’t with Mikey, it was fun to daydream about being with Mikey. About the sex and the fun they would have. But being here, in Mikey’s grown up house with his real live daughter asleep upstairs, like Chris had said, this was the real deal. There could be real fallout from his actions here.
Some of what he was feeling must have shown on his face because Mikey took one look at him and frowned. “Are you freaking out?”
Benny laughed, surprised. Of course, Mikey would know when he was falling apart. “Yeah. A little.”
Mikey spread his arms wide. “Welcome to my world. One long freak out after another.”
Benny burst out laughing. Mikey joined him, and they laughed until tears leaked from the corners of their eyes and his stomach hurt.
Mikey exhaled deeply. “I needed that. This day sucked.”
Benny stretched his leg out and prodded Mikey in the thigh. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t even want to think about it right now.” Mikey slumped down further into the couch, legs spreading wider. Benny’s foot slipped under Mikey’s thigh, and he wiggled his toes against the hard muscle. Mikey turned to Benny
and smiled. It started out a friendly smile but settled into something dirtier as Mikey’s eyes narrowed.
Benny’s mouth went dry, and he reached for his glass of water.
The sun had finally set, leaving the room lit only by the light from the kitchen and the diffused glow of the streetlight outside the window. On the monitor, Jasmine’s breathing had settled into a deep, even rhythm.
Mikey slid his hand up Benny’s calf, his fingers slipping into the hole at Benny’s knee.
Benny inhaled sharply.
“Do you want me to kiss you?” Mikey asked.
“Yeah,” Benny answered, a smile spreading across his face. “A little.”
Mikey grabbed him behind the knee and pulled him down the couch.
Benny’s t-shirt rode up as he slid across the rough fabric.
Mikey leaned over, his knee between Benny’s legs and his hands gripping Benny’s biceps. He ducked his head to kiss Benny, and the ends of his hair brushed Benny’s cheek.
Benny shuddered, his mouth opening under the steady pressure of Mikey’s lips. He tasted the beer on Mikey’s tongue as he pushed his way inside.
“Shh,” Mikey whispered with a glance at the baby monitor resting on the table like an electronic chaperone.
Benny whimpered and reached his head up, trying to get Mikey’s lips back on his.
Mikey laughed and pulled just far enough out of reach, his hands on Benny’s arms pinning him on the couch.
“No fair.”
“Done freaking out?” Mikey’s thumbs swept up and down the soft skin of Benny’s inner arms.
“Do you think we’re making a mistake doing this?”
“Kissing?” Mikey asked, smiling.
“Don’t play stupid. I’m serious.”
Mikey stroked Benny’s arm again, watching the movement of his thumb as it curved across his skin. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. But if you’re looking for guarantees…” He shook his head sadly. “Man, life just don’t come with any.”
Benny wanted desperately to touch Mikey, but Mikey kept his arms pinned to the couch. “I know. I just don’t think I can lose you as a friend again. Is this worth risking that friendship?”
