by A. E. Wasp
Chris nodded silently, shoulders tense.
Jay-Cee stroked gently in and out, earning a deep groan from Chris. “Okay. That’s good. It’s alright, you know. To want that.”
Chris shook his head.
Jay-Cee fucked him slowly and lovingly and kissed whatever part of Chris’s body he could reach. “It is. Perfectly fine. Tell me, let it out. There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me…” love you less, he almost said. He shied away from that thought, losing himself for a minute in Chris’s body. “I won’t judge. You don’t even have to look at me.”
He pulled his fingers out of Chris, who whimpered at the loss. “Shh,” Jay-Cee soothed him, sliding his fingers through the lube gleaming at the small of Chris’s back. “Up,” he said, nudging Chris’s leg with his knee.
Chris pushed to his knees. The way he struggled to keep his chest down, almost made Jay-Cee come. He’d been hard since Chris had crawled across his lap. It was a race to finish at this point, and he was determined to make Chris come so hard he’d forget his own name before he let himself come. The pain of denial was sweeter when they both felt it.
He reached back between Chris’s legs. “Kiss me.”
“Oh, yes,” Chris said, craning his neck to reach Jay-Cee’s mouth.
As his tongue breached Chris’s mouth, he pushed three fingers as deep inside Chris’s body as he could. It was hard to tell which of them moaned louder as he did. He could feel Chris trembling against him, and knew he was in no better state than his beautiful boy. Catching Chris’s lower lip between his teeth, he stretched it roughly before pulling off. “Tell me.” He was the one begging now. “Please, God, just one fantasy.”
“Tell me one of yours?” Chris panted, rocking back and forth on his knees.
“Yes,” Jay-Cee lied. Not now, not yet.
Chris closed his eyes. “Okay. Okay. I used to, back when I was in school, there was this weight room.”
Jay-Cee clenched his jaw and pumped his fingers faster into Chris. “Yeah?” he forced out.
“Yes. And, I, fuck. I used to imagine, that, that these guys, these jocks, they trapped me there.” His voice hitched with every one of Jay-Cee’s thrusts.
“Guys? More than one?” Perfect. He was perfect.
“Yeah.” He pushed back against Jay-Cee’s hand as best he could, groaning in delicious agony as Jay-Cee twisted his hand inside his body. “They trapped me, and then, with the weight bench…” he faded out, eyes rolling back in his head as the fantasy and Jay-Cee’s hand pushed him further towards ecstasy.
With a muttered curse, Jay-Cee maneuvered himself until he kneeled behind Chris, fingers pumping in and out of Chris the entire time. “Then what?” He stopped thrusting and stroked Chris gently from the inside.
“They strip me. God, fuck, right there. Please,” he begged as Jay-Cee pressed down on that amazing spot. He panted, trying to get the words out. “And then they, they tie me down.”
Jay-Cee grabbed Chris and flipped him roughly onto his back.
Chris’s eyes flew open as his arms crossed at the wrist and his back hit the mattress.
Jay-Cee shoved Chris’s legs up, lifting his hips off the bed. “Don’t stop. They’re bigger than you, right? And you can’t stop them?” Quickly slicking up his cock, he positioned it right at Chris’s entrance.
When he looked up, Chris’s eyes bored into his. “No,” he breathed out. “I can’t stop them.”
Jay-Cee pushed forward and buried himself in Chris with a deep groan.
Chris smiled even as his eyes rolled back in his head and he bared his neck in a gorgeous arc. Breathing deep, he lifted his head and stared right into Jay-Cee’s eyes. And Jay-Cee felt the power in the room shift.
Chris licked his lips. Jay-Cee wanted to kiss the smirk off his face, but he couldn’t do anything but fuck Chris into the mattress. “They’re bigger and stronger than me,” Chris forced out between moans. “And they just, Jesus Christ, they just use me. My mouth and my ass.”
Jay-Cee slammed into him hard, fingernails digging crescents into the back of Chris’s thighs.
“Fuck, fuck.” Chris kept talking, and Jay-Cee was going to lose his mind. “I can’t stop them even if I wanted to.”
Jay-Cee pounded into Chris harder than he meant to, harder than he should. Chris made it impossible for him to hold back. Just feeling Chris’s skin against his touched him more deeply than sex with anyone else ever had.
But Chris only arched up with a moan and his cock jerked hard as he hovered on the verge of an orgasm that wouldn’t be denied.
“You don’t want to, do you?” Jay-Cee asked. “You want them to use you, one after the other. Oh, fuck.” He pushed forward, rolling Chris’s hips up until he was bent almost in half. “You love it.”
“Fuck, yeah, I do,” Chris said with a breathless chuckle that slid into a moan as Jay-Cee moved and changed the angle.
Jay-Cee’s orgasm beat hard between his legs and in the hollow of his throat. He’d be damned if he came first. He reached down and gave the metal bar piercing Chris’s nipple a hard twist.
Chris screamed, body arching until only his shoulders stayed on the bed. His legs clamped around Jay-Cee’s head, and he came so hard, he shot over his face and neck and into the gauzy curtains behind his head.
Chris’s ass clamped down on Jay-Cee’s cock, and all the air left his lungs as his orgasm slammed into him. Pleasure surged through him like fire in his veins, and he flooded into Chris like molten bronze. Chris’s legs slipped from his shoulders as he twisted in delicious agony and yelled as the sudden change in angle dragged another orgasm out of him.
Countless seconds later, Jay-Cee collapsed down onto Chris. Vision hazy and ears ringing from lack of oxygen, he struggled for breath.
Pressing his face into the shelter of Chris’s shoulder, he moved stiffly off Chris’s body to lay next to him on the bed. With shaking hands, he struggled to loosen the tie securing Chris’s wrists to the headboard.
Chris winced at the stiffness in his shoulders as he lowered his arms.
Jay-Cee reached for the arm nearest him. Holding the delicate wrist as if it were fine porcelain, he drew it to his mouth. Chris’s pulse fluttered against Jay-Cee’s lips as he kissed the red marks the silk had cut into his skin.
Chris stared at him silently, eyes wide.
Emotion closed Jay-Cee’s throat. He should probably say something, but he couldn’t form a coherent thought.
Goosebumps rose on Chris’s skin, and he shivered. That was enough to get Jay-Cee moving. He sat up.
Chris touched him on the arm, concern on his face.
Jay-Cee covered Chris’s hand with his. “I’m—” his voice came out as a croak. He cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m going to get us some water.”
He slid off the bed and his head spun. Legs trembling, he walked to where the duvet lay crumpled on the ground. Picking it up, he moved the curtain aside and covered Chris.
Despite his mumbled protests, Chris dragged the comforter over him as he curled onto his side.
Lightheaded, Jay-Cee made his way to the kitchen, trying with each step to pull himself together. He opened the fridge door and leaned heavily on it as he stared blindly into the bright interior. Fuck. Was it going to be that way every time with Chris? Did he want it to be? Could he survive that?
He pulled out two water bottles and shut the door. His eyes burned and he pressed a water bottle against his eyelids.
Stopping in the bathroom, he rinsed himself off with a warm washcloth and then wondered where to put the dirty washrag. He settled for wringing it out and leaving it on the side of the sink. His reflection in the mirror caught his eye. He stared at it and wondered what Chris saw in him.
All he saw was a prematurely old man with gray hair and beard, and wrinkles around his blue eyes from years of sun and worry. There was old pain in those eyes, and the tattoos running up almost to under his chin told a story no one else could read.
Reachi
ng for a new rag, he pushed all his thoughts away and ran it under the warm water.
Back in the bedroom, he pushed the curtains aside and sat on the edge of the bed. “Hey,” he said softly.
Pushing down the duvet, he gently wiped off Chris’s neck and chest. As he started to reach lower, Chris took the washcloth from him. Not meeting Jay-Cee’s eyes, he reached between his legs and wiped off the evidence of their actions.
Chris looked at the wet washcloth as if he didn’t know what to do with it. Jay-Cee took it from him and handed him the towel. When Chris was done, Jay-Cee wrapped the towel around the damp rag and tossed them both onto the floor.
He slid under the duvet and pulled Chris into him, rolling him onto his side. Chris was stiff in his arms. “Hey,” he said again. He kissed Chris’s temple, ran a hand soothingly down his arm. “Are you okay?”
Chris swallowed and nodded unconvincingly.
Jay-Cee ran a hand through Chris’s hair. His skin was still flush with sex. When he ran his hand down Chris’s back, Chris hissed as he reached the swell of his ass. “Hurt?” Jay-Cee asked.
“Yeah,” Chris admitted. “A little. I’ll be sleeping on my stomach tonight.”
His voice sounded wrecked, raw from the screaming and Jay-Cee’s cock. Jay-Cee wanted him to sound like that all the time.
“Are you …” Jay-Cee searched for the right word. “How are you feeling? And no lying.”
Chris’s gaze turned inward. He was really thinking about it. Jay-Cee fell a little more in love with him for it. God, Chris was fucking terrifying.
“I don’t know,” Chris said honestly.
“It’s okay, you know,” Jay-Cee said. He tilted Chris’s face up to him and kissed his lips so gently, a barely there press of mouths. “It’s okay to want this. To want what you want.”
Chris exhaled strongly through his nose, obviously not convinced.
At a loss for words, Jay-Cee handed him a water bottle, and they drank silently. Maybe Chris was right to be afraid of this thing between them.
Jay-Cee sank back down into the bed, his muscles still weak. The mattress cradled him like a cloud, and the pillow molded itself to his head. He chuckled. “Damn, this is a nice bed.”
Chris rolled half on top of him. “I like to indulge in some things. It’s my hedonist side.” Chris’s fingers trailed down Jay-Cee’s ribs.
“How do you ever get out of bed in the morning?” Jay-Cee asked.
Chris laughed. “It isn’t easy.” Chris traced the tattoos covering every inch of Jay-Cee’s skin. When his fingers stopped circling randomly and moved across his ribs from left to right, Jay-Cee knew exactly what he was looking at. He pressed the water bottle against his eyes again.
Chris tilted his head to look at Jay-Cee. “Who are they?”
Jay-Cee reached down and took Chris’s hand in his. Eyes closed, he guided Chris’s fingers across each name carved into his skin, and read them out loud one at a time. “Private Joseph Martin. Second Lieutenant Freddy Rodriguez.” He recited the five names on his left side, then guided Chris’s hand across his body and read off the other six names. “Every man who died under my command,” he said, his voice as steady as he could make it.
Chris inhaled sharply. “I’m sorry.”
Jay-Cee shook his head. “It’s just war. Fucking war.”
Chris pushed himself up and sat next to Jay-Cee, pain flashing quickly across his face as his oversensitive skin rubbed on the sheet. He held Jay-Cee’s face in his hands, then leaned forward and kissed him softly.
He pressed more kisses against Jay-Cee’s mouth, repeating I’m sorry over and over until Jay-Cee grabbed him and dragged him in for a deep kiss.
Chris looked heartbroken when he pulled away. His hand went to the lightning bolt necklace lying against his chest. “I know what it’s like to lose people. To lose someone you felt like you could have, should have, saved?”
Jay-Cee reached for the necklace, looking in Chris’s eyes for permission. “Toby?”
Chris nodded.
Jay-Cee tugged gently at the necklace, pulling Chris down. “Come here.”
Chris folded down, molding his body to Jay-Cee’s. Jay-Cee pulled the covers up over them, and with sunlight filtering softly through the curtains, they fell asleep.
21 – I don’t think I can face the consequences
Chris woke up first. The air under the net canopy was stifling and smelled of sex and sweat. Attempting to shift his weight away from Jay-Cee reminded him how much his ass hurt and in more than in the usual way. His face flamed as he replayed the morning’s events in his mind, including the part where he’d come so hard he’d seen God. Oh, boy.
Moving as quietly as possible, he slid out of bed, inch by inch. The curtain rings jangled against the canopy rail as he slid them back. Jay-Cee didn’t move, but Chris found it highly unlikely the former Army Ranger slept through much. Still, he appreciated Jay-Cee giving him at least the illusion of privacy.
Sliding a dresser drawer open, he pulled out his softest, oldest boxers. Jeans seemed like a bad idea right now. He tiptoed out of the room without putting them on.
Chris drew a deeper breath in the cooler air of the living room and tried to figure out how he felt as he gingerly pulled the underwear up his still shaky legs.
Well, part of him felt freaking amazing. He’d just had the best orgasm of his life and that included the very first one he’d ever had. What a day of discovery that had been. This was shaping up to be even more revelatory.
He staggered to the kitchen and grabbed another water bottle from the fridge. Yeah, he knew plastic water bottles were bad for the planet, but he liked his water cold, and he kept forgetting to refill his reusable water bottle.
He had thought what he and Jay-Cee had done before had been hot. He probably be jerking off to whatever it was they had done in the shower for the rest of his life. Could he call it sex? Was it sex if no one touched you? Even if you came so hard you saw stars? Yeah, he decided, it had been sex. Come to think of it, when Jay-Cee had sent him home and read him poetry over the phone while Chris soaked in the tub that had be pretty sexual, too. Jay-Cee had been right, he really hadn’t known what he’d been asking for. Thank God Jay-Cee had known.
But this night surpassed all that. The way Jay-Cee had done what he had done. Chris’s mind balked at the word ‘spanked.’ It sounded so infantile, so humiliating. What was really embarrassing was how much he had liked it. Logically, the idea of him lying over Jay-Cee’s lap, hands tied behind his back, while Jay-Cee freaking spanked him, seemed ridiculous.
No, he’d promised himself honesty. He thought he should think it looked ridiculous, but actually, it was fucking hot. It had been exactly what he needed to shut up his goddamn mind for a little while.
His cock stirred with the memory, shocking him. He would have bet he couldn’t get hard for the rest of the day. Maybe two days.
The pain in his ass and the way he could feel Jay-Cee’s come leaking out of him made him feel dirty, slutty. The memory of confessing his gang rape fantasy to Jay-Cee only added to it. He hated that he loved it.
But Jay-Cee had told him it was okay to want it; to want all of it. Chris’s brain had been leaking out his ears at that exact moment, but he was almost 100% sure that’s what Jay-Cee had said. He had a feeling he was barely scraping the surface of what Jay-Cee could do to him, what Jay-Cee could make him do.
The cheap linoleum was cool under his feet as he crossed the kitchen to open the window. A breeze blew through the screen, raising goosebumps as it dried the sweat off his skin.
It was that perfect golden hour when the low rays of sunlight threw a rose-gold glow over everything and cast long shadows on every blade of grass and pebble. He’d tried to capture the beauty in paint several times, but nothing came close to the real thing.
Downing the last drops of water, he tossed the bottle into the recycling bin. His stomach growled, reminding him he hadn’t eaten all day. Jay-Cee must be hungry, too.
Okay, time to decide. Brutal honesty was one of the first lessons he’d learned getting clean. Lying to yourself was a fast train back to addiction. Besides, Jay-Cee had said no lying.
Did he want to do it again? Hell, yeah. He loved being fucked into the mattress, loved being used however Jay-Cee wanted him. He trusted Jay-Cee to make it good for him. Jay-Cee would take care of him.
It made Chris feel safe. Jay-Cee had it all together. He was smart, funny, kind, and talented if a little blocked right now. And, the whole stoic, ex-special ops or whatever thing was kind of hot, too.
But it was nice for once in his life to have someone to turn to for guidance. His high-school ‘guidance counselor’ had been twenty-three and fresh out of grad school. Chris had met him at some party, and apparently, they’d fucked in the pool house. Man, the guy’s face had gone pale when Chris walked into his office the next week. Chris had blacked out later that night and hadn’t remembered much of anything, so the meeting hadn’t been as awkward for him. It had been a complete waste of time, though. That guy had zero advice for anything.
Okay. It could work; this thing between him and Jay-Cee. They could both get their needs met. Chris apparently liked being told what to do during sex, and Jay-Cee got off on telling people what to do. A match made in heaven. No messy emotional entanglements or whatever people did in relationships. Not that Chris would know.
He couldn’t handle anything messy or serious right now. At the best of times, he felt like he was barely keeping it together. He knew he’d been in a holding pattern for the last few months. Not really building a new life. But it had been okay.
And now with Benny and all these new people, he wasn’t sure yet where, or even if, he fit in that little group. He was the youngest, single, not ex-military, not an old friend of anyone. He was just Benny’s hanger-on.
He’d been extra raw-edged since that first night with Jay-Cee. Things between them had been left half-finished. They had been dancing around each other, not quite in and not quite out. And Chris hadn’t known how to change it. It had left him unsettled, on edge. The call of sweet oblivion had been stronger than it had been in a long time.
