“No, he had to step out at the last minute for an off-site meeting. But I’m expecting him back any minute. Would you like to wait in his office?”
Victoria nodded and headed toward Ted’s door. “Oh, and, Jen ... don’t tell him that I’m here. Remember, it’s a surprise.”
Jen clasped her hands together. “Excellent! I’m sure his spirits will lift when he walks through the door and sees you.”
“Let’s hope so,” Victoria said under her breath. She stepped into Ted’s office and closed the door behind her.
She looked around her husband’s spacious office, noticing the meticulous way he kept everything in order. “Why can’t he keep his closet at home this tidy?” Victoria whispered aloud, examining a heavy lead crystal paperweight that rested atop a stack of perfectly centered, straight-edged papers on his credenza. Her eyes roamed over to the two pictures that sat on his desk. I love this one, she said to herself, picking up one of the framed photographs. It was her favorite, the picture they had taken the day they brought Alexandria home from the hospital. She looked at her family, holding the picture to her heart, and prayed it wasn’t too late to undo the damage she had created.
She put the photo back where she found it and came up with an idea. She grinned as she slid into Ted’s leather chair behind his desk, ready for a little fun. Knowing that he would walk through the door at any minute, she leaned back carefully, propped her seductively long legs on top of his desk, and raised her short black skirt up her thighs. She undid the top three buttons of her silk blouse to expose her lacy push-up bra and waited to give her husband a thrilling surprise.
When a few minutes went by with no grand entrance from Ted, Victoria began to relax her pose. She let her arm dangle off the edge of the chair and hoped that her husband would soon walk through the door.
After an hour of waiting, punctuated by Jen’s periodic checks to see if she needed anything, and by eating a snack of fruit and juice from Ted’s compact refrigerator, Victoria gave up hope that he was coming anytime soon. “His meeting must’ve run over,” Jen had offered twenty minutes ago. “Those last-minute meetings usually require more time ... putting out fires.”
Victoria knew that she needed to leave soon. She had an afternoon appointment with the director of Dress for Success, to help the organization plan its annual gala. She looked at her watch, knowing she was cutting it close.
Disappointment was an understatement to describe her mood. She wanted to do something passionate and spontaneous that would excite Ted and reignite the flame in their marriage, which was slowly fading away. As she looked around, something caught her attention, leading her eyes to fall beneath his desk. She had another idea that just might do the trick. She scooted the chair out and leaned forward, reaching for his attaché, which was lying on the floor, tucked away behind the small cabinet that held his files.
She knew from experience that Ted always kept his attaché with him when he was out on business. She thought it was strange that he had neglected to take it with him, but it was also her good fortune, because it was perfect for what she had in mind.
She bent down underneath his desk and retrieved the leather bag. “This should get him going.” She smiled, reaching over for his pen and stationery. She wrote Ted a quick erotic love note that detailed what she had in store for him when he came home that evening. She pressed her berry-colored lips against the parchment paper, giving it her sexy seal, then stood up and slid her silk thong down the length of her legs. She opened his attaché to place the note and her seductive undergarment inside and smiled again, thinking about the surprise that would greet him when he opened it. But her smile slowly faded when she examined the bag’s contents. She put her panties back on and took a seat in the chair.
Victoria sat at Ted’s desk in complete shock, confusion, and utter disbelief as she pored over the xeroxed documents in front of her. She reread each one, making sure that her eyes weren’t playing tricks on her. She held a copy of Carolyn’s birth certificate in one hand and her handwritten letter to Ted in the other. Her stomach formed into a ball of knots. “This is the secret his mother was hiding? This is what was so awful that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me?” Victoria’s heart sank as her temperature began to rise.
She sat back, letting the documents fall to Ted’s desk, stupefied by her discovery. “He’s been lying all this time because he doesn’t want anyone to know that his mother was half black,” she whispered into the air. A sick sensation filled her, and just as she took a deep breath to hold back her emotions, Ted walked through the door.
He stopped in his tracks, surprised to see Victoria sitting behind his desk. He smiled at the sight of her open blouse and abundant cleavage, but he quickly lost the thrill of excitement when he saw the look on her face and the all-too-familiar documents that sat on his desk. He had been so busy rushing off to his meeting that he hadn’t realized he’d left his attaché in his office until he was already halfway across town.
He could have kicked himself for not locking the copies away in a safe place, as he had planned to do ever since he’d stored the originals in the safe-deposit box. He cursed himself for walking around with the copies he intended to hand deliver to Abe Brookstein when he came to visit at the end of the week. He had appointed Abe as his sole attorney, and in the interest of client confidentiality, Abe was bound by law to keep what had now become Ted’s secret, too.
But now the shit had hit the fan, and Ted knew he had to deal with it. He closed the door behind him and walked toward his wife.
Victoria stood up from behind his desk, letting her anger fly out with her words. “This is what you were gonna tell me in due time?” she mocked, holding the copy of his mother’s birth certificate in the air.
“V, calm down. I can explain.”
“You should’ve explained when I first asked you about what you discovered in that safe-deposit box.”
“It’s more complicated than you think.”
“Yeah, being black can complicate the hell out of things, huh? Right now I don’t want to hear shit from you. Don’t say another word to me.”
“Lower your voice,” Ted commanded in a tone that was as steady as if he’d asked her if she wanted a drink. Although the walls and doors were thick and well insulated, he knew they were no match for the pitch his wife could carry.
Victoria couldn’t believe how calm he was acting, almost cavalier. “Lower my voice?” she yelled, ignoring him. “I’ll turn this place the hell out if I want to.”
Ted had witnessed this side of Victoria before, particularly during heated arguments with family members and on the rare occasions that a rude, demanding client tried to take advantage of her services. But up until now he had never been on the receiving end of the wrath he knew she was capable of wielding, and it occurred to him that he didn’t know if he could contain her. “V, you’ve got to calm down,” he urged. “This isn’t the time or place.” He calmly raised his hands in surrender, but now his cool exterior was beginning to melt.
Victoria put her hand on her hip. She was getting ready to open fire, but something inside stopped her. She parted her lips, but nothing came out except a feeling of deep hurt. She knew she needed to get out of his office. Without a word, she grabbed her handbag and began to walk past him, headed for the door.
“Where’re you going?” Ted asked.
“Don’t say shit to me.”
“Where’re you going?” he repeated.
Victoria didn’t answer. Instead she opened the door and charged out like someone was chasing her.
Jen looked up as Victoria rushed past her desk, with her blouse hanging open. She’d heard the muffled sounds of what she thought was an argument, and when she saw Ted take off behind her, hot on his wife’s heels, she knew there was no longer a need to wonder.
Ted reached the elevator and stepped inside, right behind Victoria. He held the button to keep the door closed as they rode down to the executive parking garage.
&
nbsp; “V, I know you’re upset, and I know what you’re thinking.. . . ”
Victoria broke her silence. “You’re ashamed to admit that you’re black, even though you’re married to a black woman and you have a black child,” she yelled in his face.
“Please calm down.”
“I’m gonna slap the shit out of you if you tell me to calm down one more time.”
Ted looked at Victoria in disbelief, but he knew his wife and what she was capable of, and at this stage he didn’t want to tempt fate, so he changed his approach. “I just want you to relax so we can discuss this in a rational manner.”
Victoria rolled her eyes. “There’s no need to discuss anything. I already told you, I don’t want you to say shit to me.”
Just then the elevator door opened, and Victoria nearly pushed Ted aside, trying to get out. Again, he followed on her heels as she walked to her car.
“Stop following me. Just go away,” she yelled. She pulled out her key chain, pointing it toward the car as she pressed the remote. “Didn’t I tell you to go away!” she barked.
Now Ted was beginning to lose what little calm he had managed to maintain. “V, please. Just listen to me.” He grabbed her arm, preventing her from opening her driver’s side door. He didn’t care about the security cameras that monitored the area; at the moment his only worry was centered on the situation in front of him. “I know you’re upset, and I know I should’ve told you the truth before now—”
Victoria cut him off, jerked her arm away, and turned around to face him. “Yeah, you should have, but you would’ve had to admit that your mother was black and so are you... . Now I know why you have rhythm and a big dick.”
“Was that supposed to be a joke?”
“Nothing about this shit is funny.” Her voice became low and venomous. “It’s fine to fuck a black woman, but it’s another thing to admit that you’re a black man, isn’t it?” A small tear rolled down her cheek.
Ted reached for her, but she slapped his hand away. “Don’t fucking touch me!” she screamed. He reached for her again, this time taking hold of her shoulders and bringing her into his embrace.Victoria squirmed and hit him repeatedly, but he wouldn’t let go. Her tears began to flow harder as her blows dissipated. Finally, she stopped fighting, looking at Ted in dead silence. They stood facing each other, letting the stuffy air fill the small space between them.
“If you’re so ashamed of who your mother was, of who you really are, what does that say about us?” Victoria said, pointing her finger into his chest. “What does that say about what you think of me ... of our daughter?”
Ted fought hard to hold back the emotions that were lodged in the back of his throat. He looked Victoria in the eye. “Let’s go home so we can talk. I promise I’ll answer all your questions.”
The Shoe Was on the Other Foot....
Thirty minutes later Victoria and Ted sat on opposite ends of the couch in their spacious family room. The richly colored walls and elegantly cozy furnishings were a stark contrast to the gloomy mood and uncomfortable stillness that now owned the space.
Even though Ted knew that Victoria didn’t want him anywhere near her, he moved over and sat close beside her, anyway. “I want to start by saying I’m sorry,” he began. “Some of what I’m going to say might make sense, and some might not. But please, just hear me out, okay?”
Victoria nodded her head.
“When I first read my mother’s letter and discovered that she’d been living a lie her entire life, I was so shocked and stunned I couldn’t even think straight. I felt like I’d lost her twice. I had to deal with burying her, trying to hold Lilly together and keep Charlie under control, and then making sure that you and Alexandria were okay. I’m not trying to excuse how I’ve handled things, but for the first time in my life I didn’t feel like I was in control of what was going on around me.”
Ted proceeded to tell Victoria about the trip he had taken to Mississippi to find out more about his mother’s life. He told her about his visit with Ms. Hattie and about the up-and-down emotions he’d been experiencing since his discovery. “I hated lying to you,V. But I didn’t know what else to do. Imagine finding out that you aren’t who you think you are. All my life I’ve lived as a white man, and then in the flash of a second I found out that I’m not, that I’m black, or at least a part of me is,” he said with a chuckle that was both light and melancholy. “When I look at myself, I don’t see a black man, and to be honest, it’s hard for me to even think of myself as anyone other than who I am, which is simply Ted, husband and father, period. I had never even thought about the fact that I’m white. I just am who I am. And I never thought about race in any real context until I fell in love with you.”
Ted reached for Victoria’s hand and held it. He could see that she was apprehensive and doubting, but he pushed forward, anyway. “Marrying you was the best thing I’ve ever done. It didn’t matter to me that you were black. I loved you. I’m not ashamed of you, or of the fact that I’m married to you. You make me proud, and I know that many, many men of any persuasion would love to be in my shoes. I’m a lucky man.” He smiled. “You’ve given me a beautiful daughter, whom I adore, and you’ve enriched my life in so many ways. You and Alexandria mean everything to me.”
Ted positioned himself so that he could look directly at Victoria’s face, lifting her chin with his index finger so they were eye to eye. “When the world sees us, they aren’t going to see a black couple. They’re going to see a white man with a black woman, an interracial couple. I struggled with that part of it ... who I really am. Am I black, or am I white? I look white, but my mother was a black woman, and in this society I’m my mother’s child. But I realized that regardless of race, I’m the same person I’ve always been.”
Victoria couldn’t hold her tongue any longer. “Like your mother, you have the option of choosing. It’s very convenient to say, ‘I am who I am,’ when society accepts who you are.You made your mother’s secret sound so shameful.... Hell, I thought she’d killed someone or robbed a bank or something. The only crime she committed was being black.”
“Being black isn’t a crime.”
“You acted like it was.”
“I’ve just had a hard time accepting and dealing with everything that’s been going on. Can’t you understand that?”
“It’s been nearly two months since you found out the truth, and in that time I’m sure you’ve done a lot of thinking. As a matter of fact, I know you have, because I’ve seen the distant, preoccupied look in your eyes. Now I’m sitting here wondering, if I hadn’t found out by accident, would you have ever told me?”
Ted looked at her, unable to answer.
“You locked away the evidence, like your mother did, and you’re meeting with Abe when he comes to town this Friday. Did you ever plan on telling me, or is this something you were going to take to your grave, like your mother did?”
Ted shook his head. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
Victoria let out a heavy sigh as she shifted in her seat on the couch.
“V, I lost my mother, and I found out that she and my father lived a lie. For weeks our daughter walked around worrying that you or I was going to drop dead at any minute, and then I watched our marriage start to crumble before my eyes. Damn it, V, this has been the hardest two months of my life.” Ted shook his head, pausing for breath. “I don’t have all the answers, and I don’t know how to explain things so that it makes sense to your ears, because it’s barely real to mine. And yes, the hard truth is that I didn’t want to reveal that my mother was black.”
Victoria looked at him, realizing how much the naked truth hurt. His last words stung.
Ted could see the pain in her eyes. He paused, trying to calm himself as his heart raced, beginning to literally pound inside his chest. “Does it freak me out to know that I’m black? Hell, yes. Am I ashamed of it? No. It’s a vacillating feeling, but I can’t say that it’s shame. I just don’t know how to deal with it. The way
I handled things was wrong.” He looked into Victoria’s eyes, hoping she’d see the truth and sincerity in his words. “Being ashamed of who I am would mean that I’m ashamed of who you are, and of the beautiful child we created.”
“Then why did you make your mother’s secret seem so ... bad?”
Ted took a deep breath. “Because what she did was a terrible thing. It was wrong. She denied who she was, and that denial kept Lilly, Charlie, and me from knowing who we truly are. She taught me how to live in secrecy, how to keep things locked away in private places. From the time I was Alexandria’s age, she drilled into my head that reputation and image were everything and that you should go to any lengths to guard them, even if it meant living an unhappy life and holding up a facade to the world that was total bullshit. That’s how I operated until I met you. I’m not saying that my mother is responsible for the mistakes I made. Those are mine and mine alone. When I spoke of my mother’s secret, what you heard in my words and in my voice was frustration and sadness.”
“Sadness?”
“Yes. My mother lived her entire life with pain and conflict always resting in her heart. Maybe that’s why it was so difficult for her to get close to people.” Ted cleared his throat, choking back a small tear, which eventually traveled down his cheek. “I don’t want to be my mother. I can’t live my life that way. Please forgive me,V.”
Ted reached out for Victoria, and without hesitation she embraced him, hugging him close as they leaned back into the couch.
“Shhh,” she whispered. “You can choose a different path.” She stroked his hair, soothing him as she spoke. “I’m still not sure what to make of all this, but one thing I know is that we’ll take each step together.”
Victoria held him in her arms while he rested his head on her chest, unloading the last of his burdens from his heart. She ignored her chirping BlackBerry, switching it to vibrate in order to silence the annoying sound. She knew it was Denise, trying to get in touch with her to see why she had not come back for her afternoon appointment. But at the moment, she knew she was exactly where she needed to be.
Keeping Secrets & Telling Lies Page 30
