by Cecilia Fyre
She ended the call and got them both ready for bed. She hooked Ricco up to the IV. He held her hand and gazed into her eyes as the drugs took effect. She stayed by his side, stroking his wrists until he finally dropped off to sleep.
Lea got into bed by his side. What a day! She didn’t like this one bit. Once again it had all come down to her helping him out of an impossible situation he had maneuvered himself into. He’d had bad news and it explained why he’d acted out the way he had for the last few weeks. But her patience was wearing thin. Every time he had a crisis she was there to mop up the aftermath. It was getting to her, there was no use denying it.
When Ricco was gone again when Lea woke the next morning she knew right away that things could not go on like they were. He had left a note again, and Lea crumpled it up as soon as she’d read it, tears in her eyes.
You’ll have more fun on your own today. Tell reception to call you a cab and put it on the room. Go have fun in SD. We got more of the same all day. Will send you details about dinner. N x
He probably meant it as a kindness. And he didn’t want her around, that much was clear from yesterday. He’d accepted it when he had no other choice, but he didn’t want her there to witness him overdoing it and tell him off.
But why was she here, then? And what was she supposed to do today?
She didn’t want to see San Diego. It was too hot, and her hip was achy again. But sometimes it helped to go for short walks, and maybe a swim in the hotel pool would be nice, too. So, after a slow breakfast in their room, Lea got ready to go out. She decided being cross with Ricco would serve no purpose and just ruin her day more. But something in her had shifted, and she sent a couple of emails and texts before she headed out.
She regretted going out almost instantly. It was simply too hot. Ottawa was hot as well, and she hated it, but there she had the whole house to seek refuge in, and it was home now. This wasn’t home, and Lea felt exposed. She wanted to be alone, not surrounded by people, but the hotel room was too small and bland to spend all day in. So, she took refuge in a Starbucks that didn’t look too packed and spent twenty minutes resting and enjoying an iced latte. But then she noticed a growing gaggle of girls pointing and giggling in her direction, and before they could approach or start taking her picture Lea fled.
Outside was still sweltering. Not wanting to be stared at by fans, or worse, Lea reluctantly headed back to the hotel. She got into the room, which was cool and quiet, and lay down on the freshly made bed. She felt like crying.
Maybe she could raid the minibar or order half a dozen things from room service and indulge in a binge. It didn't matter anymore, did it? But then she pulled herself away from that line of thought immediately. This had to stop. This, right here, had to stop.
At that moment her phone rang. She pulled it out of her bag next to the bed, hoping against hope it would be Ricco. It wasn’t, but when she saw the caller ID her heart still beat faster.
Rolling onto her back Lea took the call.
“Lea?”
As she pulled the hotel room door closed Daniel was coming down the hall. Lea froze, heart hammering. He was alone.
She had just woken from a long nap, and it was time now to arrange her next steps. Ricco hadn’t called about dinner, and she had been secretly pleased. It was easier that way. But now here was Daniel, and she would have to deal with him. She couldn’t afford to raise suspicions now or let him get upset with her and cause a scene.
Daniel stopped, still a few feet away, looking nervous and strangely determined. “I.I came to find you before. can we talk? Please?”
There was definitely some feeling there, deep inside her heart. Daniel wasn’t a bad man. He was sweet, too, and clearly as upset but this as she was. Lea felt suddenly sad, not just for what she was about to do to Ricco, but also about all the things that could have and never now would be with this man. She cared for Daniel, as a friend, as someone who had helped her through a very rough time. He deserved to be heard.
"All right," she said and followed Daniel down the hall to his room.
It doesn’t matter, she thought as she walked in behind him and closed the door, it’s all decided. But it hurts so damn much.
Daniel knew almost before he spoke that it would be no good. What they’d done had been so wrong. There was no making it right now, or ever. But he had to try, it was driving him crazy.
She was different, now. Closed off. Her gaze was making him nervous, in a way he never got nervous. He should probably leave this be, but somehow he couldn’t.
“I know how this looks,” he began. “How it’ll be for everyone. We did a terrible thing. He. he doesn’t deserve this, and I wish we could start over. I can’t bear the thought that I hurt him, or you. It’s just. I can’t stop thinking about you, and that night.”
Lea stood right by the door; arms wrapped around herself as if to ward off a chill. Her face was a mask of misery and heartache, and again Daniel had the feeling that a decision had been made before she even agreed to talk to him. What had she decided, though? What was going on?
“Daniel, no,” she whispered.
But he had to finish what he was determined to say. "I'll talk to Susan, right away when we get back. It's so wrong, but. I want to be with you. Every man will say that I know. But it's the truth. Susan and I, that's over. it has been for a long time, and we both know. Now, though."
“No, Daniel!” That was almost a shout now.
He wanted to go to her, hold her, so bad. Kiss away that pain from her face. But something stopped him.
“No, Daniel,” Lea said again, more quietly now. “This is wrong. What we did. it was so wrong. I’ve already destroyed Ricco and me,” and now there were tears in her eyes. “Don’t make me destroy your marriage as well. Let. let me keep some self-respect.”
For a moment she looked like she wanted to come to him, despite what she had just said. But then she turned and disappeared from the room before Daniel could stop her. The door fell shut with a loud clang, and Daniel stood and stared at it, feeling numb.
He was still staring when a curt knock startled him a minute later. He hurried to the door, hope making his heart pound in his chest. He wrenched the door open.
“Lea,” he gasped, but then stopped, and so did his heart.
“How could you?!” Mel hissed, her eyes two icy blades of accusation. “How could you do this to him? And with her.”
Her hands balled into fists and for a moment Daniel was sure she would hit him. But then she gave him one last, disgusted look, turned, and strode away.
The door handle slipped from Daniel’s numb fingers and the door fell closed again.
There it was, his life burned to the ground, in less than fifteen minutes.
"Hey, brother, what's up? I'm almost at the hotel."
“She’s gone! Nick, she…she’s gone.”
Nick switched the phone to his other ear and moved close to the window in the back of the cab. He could see the Coronado already. “What’s that, brother? Who’s gone?”
“Lea, she. Nick, I fucked up so bad. And Mel. she and Daniel.”
“Slow down, Ricco. What about Mel and Daniel?”
“Not…not Mel. Lea and Daniel, they… Mel just told me. Nick, what the fuck’s happening? I’m losing my mind. I’m losing her, I can’t stand this.”
“Where are you, brother?”
“Our...our room.”
“Stay put. Don’t do anything stupid. I’m there in five. We’ll sort this out, all right? Ricco, you with me?”
“Yeah…yeah, ok.”
“While you wait try to call Jake.”
"Tried him already, it's going to answerphone." Ricco sounded close to tears now. Nick's insides clenched with worry.
“You want him bad right now, huh?”
There was a pause, then very quietly, “Yeah.”
“You keep trying Jake’s phone, he’ll pick up eventually. And I’ll be there real soon.”
“Ok. Oh god, Nick
.”
“Ricco, it’s gonna be okay. You can trust me; we will fix this.”
"Trust you, yeah…yeah, I do."
The phone went dead just as the cab pulled up outside the Hotel de Coronado. If Nick hadn’t had to break a fifty dollar note and wait for the driver to count out the change he would probably have missed the familiar figure lurking in the shadows by the entrance.
When he finally had his money, Nick got out and walked slowly over to Lea who was clutching her phone and glancing around herself nervously.
“You could’ve taken that taxi,” he said quietly and pointed behind himself, where his cab was now pulling away.
She looked up at him, startled. Her face was blotchy from crying. Gentle, he reminded himself. You got no idea what went down here, and he loves this one very much.
“I called an Uber; he should’ve been here twenty minutes ago. Gave up looking for a taxi, this city’s gone mad.”
Nick turned his gaze over to where a large group in colorful anime costumes were laughing and drinking. “That’s about right, yeah.” Then he glanced back at her and continued very quietly, “Don’t do this to him, Lea. He’s hurting bad. Talk to him, you can fix this.”
"No, Nick, we can't. "She sounded firm but infinitely sad. "There's not enough left. I don't think there ever was enough to make it work." She wiped her eyes, then hugged herself tightly and shivered, even though the night was barely cooler than the days in this hellhole.
“Please, Lea,” Nick said, aware that he was pleading now and not even feeling ashamed. “Please…you gotta talk this out. He knows, about Daniel.”
She flinched violently and he felt a stab of anger. So, it was true. He’d hoped it had been a misunderstanding. But then, nobody’s perfect, and what right had he or Ricco to judge anyone?
“How does he know?” Lea asked, and Nick’s estimation of her rose again. At least she’s not trying to hide it, he thought, and that's more than can be said for our fuck-ups.
“Not sure. But that’s beside the point. He’ll get over it.”
“I won’t,” she whispered. Nick waited, but nothing more was forthcoming.
“You love him,” Nick said, putting the full conviction he felt into the words. “I know you do, and he loves you, too. Lea, you got no idea how much he loves you. This, it’s totally new for him. He’s fucked-up, and I get it, I’d go crazy with him, too. But you owe him this talk. Shit, you owe it to yourself. If it ends like this, with you running away? It’ll break him, and I don’t think any of us could put him together again. Please, Lea, do it for that love.”
Tears were starting to run down her face, and Nick could feel his own eyes sting, too. He waited. He knew he had gotten through, there was no need to say more. After a moment Lea nodded. “You’re right. He deserves an explanation.”
Nick bent down and picked up her small bag from the ground. “C’mon.”
She followed him up the stairs, across the lobby, and into the elevator. They didn't speak, and she wouldn't look at him for more than a fleeting second. When they got to the right floor Lea led the way to one of the rooms, but then stopped. Nick reached past her and knocked.
When Ricco opened the door Nick’s insides clenched again with worry for his friend. Ricco looked exhausted. His lips were entirely bloodless in his grey face, his hair stuck to his forehead in a sweaty mess. His eyes were red and puffy, and Nick could tell that he’d been crying.
Ricco’s focus was entirely on Lea, who stood silent as a statue, staring. For a moment Nick wasn’t sure his friend wouldn’t just turn around and head back inside. He looked like he was about to be sick.
Nick gave Lea a nudge. “Go on, you two. Talk.” He leaned past Ricco into the room and dropped Lea’s bag. “I’ll be in the bar. Brother, let her in.”
Ricco stepped aside and Lea walked past him. Neither of them was paying Nick any heed. When the door had closed, Nick pulled his phone out and turned toward the lifts.
He had a bad feeling about this, and he would need all the help he could get in dealing with the fall-out.
They stood and stared at each other. His head hurt, his heart was racing, and he felt like he was about to pass out.
No, he thought, no. Not anymore. Don’t be such a fucking pussy. It’s not about you. This is your fault, fucking fix this shit!
"Doc," he whispered. Right away it was clear that using the nickname was a mistake. Her face was full of pain as if he'd slapped her. He took a step toward her, and was sure, for a second, that she'd flinch away. He wouldn't blame her if she did.
But then she came to him and he hugged her close, and they were both crying. He was shaking hard, he couldn’t help it, and after a minute or so she let go of him and took his hands and lead him to the bed.
She kept hold of his hands; her cool fingers gentle on his burning skin. She didn’t look at him, and he suddenly found it hard to breathe. His lungs have been so fucked up, but this was more. It felt like he was suffocating. He knew he needed to say something but was utterly unable to make a sound.
“I messed up.” Those words came from her, but they would be equally true if he’d said them. He tried to get enough air for a response, but she was faster. “What I did. there’s no excuse. It wasn’t planned, I didn’t mean for it to happen.” Now she looks at him, eyes full of sadness. “Don’t hate him, Ricco. Don’t. don’t hate me.”
He felt so utterly exhausted he nearly slumped over and only caught himself at the last moment. “I don’t. I could never hate you, or Daniel. It kills me, that it happened. But we can work it out. You stuck with me, too, and I fucked up so much worse.”
“No,” she interrupted him, shaking her head. She was crying hard again, and her words were slurred, but he knew she meant them. “No, Ricco, we can’t work this out. Daniel, that was a mistake. I turned to him when it all got too much. I should’ve just had the guts to tell you that I couldn’t do this anymore. I wanted us to work. So much, you’ve got no idea. I wanted to be what you needed me to be, but. that never works. I forgot to be me. I got no idea who I am anymore, but I know, I’m not. this.”
She glanced around the room, and he knew what she meant. He understood at last how impossible this had been for her. He’d loved her for who she was – a smart, clever, independent woman – and yet he tried to change her, without meaning to. She was what he needed, and it was in her nature to look after people. But that wasn’t all she should be, and he knew this, and yet he let it happen.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” he admitted at last. “You gotta be you first, and I made you all about me. I never meant to.”
“I know, darling.”
The endearment hurt so much, but he loved to hear it, still. “I love you, Lea.”
She locked eyes with him, and his vision was getting blurry with tears and the migraine that had been coming all day. He couldn’t let her see. She couldn’t stay with him just because she felt sorry for him. He got that now, and he wouldn’t let it happen again.
She was so damn beautiful to him, even with her face blotchy from crying, her eyes bright. He gripped her hands harder.
“I love you too,” she said, and another tear ran down her cheek. “It’s not enough.”
“I know,” he whispered. “I know.”
“This is killing me, it really is. But I can’t stay, I just can’t.”
“Where will you go?”
“New York, tonight. Then Chicago, John H. Stroger Hospital. Dr. M fixed it. The study I was involved in before is expanding, they need someone to oversee it there. And they have an outpatient center, too, so I can see patients. I get to be a doctor again, but with much less running around.”
His head hurt so much, and his heart was breaking. He closed his eyes, maybe she wouldn't see. She had a life, and he needed to let her live it. He could guilt her into staying if he showed her just how sick he felt, how much his chest hurt with every breath, but he couldn't do that. He needed to let her go because he loved her.
That took him by surprise. He blinked and said, “Of course I know. You don’t care about that stuff anyway, and you’re right… But…will…will I see you again?”
“Yes, Ricco, of course!” She gazed at him with eyes full of love and sorrow. “When things have settled down a bit. There are always conferences and meetings to attend in New York. I’ll call you when I’ve got a flat and everything, okay? Oh.” She hesitated, then pulled the engagement ring from her finger. She put it into his hand. “I forgot to take it off.”
He looked at the ring. “That was so stupid,” he whispered. “I knew you didn’t want to get married; I should’ve never asked it of you. It’s not us.”
“No, it’s not us. But asking wasn’t wrong. I could’ve told you no, I should’ve told you it wasn’t for me. For us.”
“I thought that might make it work. I owed you something, I wanted to give you so many things. But I can’t give you what you deserve. What I want, for us.”
“What is that, honey?” Her voice was so gentle, it hurt.
"A life with me. One that we can both love. I want to take you home to New York right now and tell them all to fuck off. Maybe I should just quit the acting, now that the show's over. I want to be well and be with you. I want to stay at home and take photographs and make art. And make you dinner when you come home from the hospital."
Her eyes were full of tears. “That sounds like a lovely dream, hun. But that’s not us, either, is it?”
“No, it’s not,” he agreed and wiped his eyes. “But I really wish it was.”
Epilogue
It was a warm day, the first genuinely nice one of the year. Winter in Chicago was no laughing matter. Lea hadn't quite realized that before agreeing to take the job here.
