“Nothing could make us forget this sweet son, this loyal brother, this understanding friend, but let this also be our reminder of him. Often I will wear this on my wrist, or hold it in my hand and remember how he made me laugh, how I loved his smile, how he brought joy to all in his path.”
I concluded by reciting Away by James Whitcomb Riley.
“I cannot say and I will not say
That he is dead, he is just away.
With a cheery smile and a wave of hand
He has wandered into an unknown land;
And left us dreaming how very fair
Its needs must be, since he lingers here.
And you-oh you, who the wildest yearn
From the old-time step and the glad return-
Think of him faring on, as dear
In the love of there, as the love of here
Think of him still the same way, I say;
He is not dead, he is just away.”
As I finished my gaze happened to skim across Dean, who was down the row from Tristan. Seeing that even he was crying like his heart was broken had my eyes finally flooding with tears. I could only be relieved that I’d gotten through it before I broke down.
I approached Tristan on the bench, moving to sit beside him, on the other side from his mother, but they surprised me by moving apart, making a space for me between the two of them.
I took it without a word.
Leticia moved her face into my shoulder, sobbing piteously. I wrapped my arms around her, feeling so powerless in the face of her pain. I simply couldn’t wrap my mind around how horrible this must be for her, when I’d only known Jared for a short time, and the loss of him had still shaken me to my core.
Tristan’s lips moved to my ear, voice thick with tears. “Thank you for that. That was so beautiful, so perfect. It said everything that I wanted to say, if I could have found the strength. I’ll never forget that for as long as I live; the way you were my strength, when I was too weak to even stand.”
His face moved into my neck, and I found myself in the odd, and heartbreaking position of having an arm around both him and his mother as we all cried our hearts out.
It had been at Leticia’s insistence that it was an open casket ceremony. I hadn’t thought it was a good idea, and I’d been right. It was just too hard to look at him. I didn’t think that anyone could feel better for seeing the body of a twenty-one year old man in his prime, pale and still in death.
Tristan and I went to see him together. He was clutching my hand so hard that it ached, but I didn’t say a word.
I held my breath as I looked at Jared’s still form, the air only escaping my lungs when I couldn’t hold it for another moment.
I didn’t know what to say. There were no words for this. His stillness, the peace on his face, it brought both comfort and despair.
Still, I tried my hardest to bring Tristan some bit of comfort with my own perspective. “I don’t have a bad memory of him. I don’t have a thing to say about him that isn’t filled with affection. I know logically that no one on this earth is perfect, but to me, he was. There is bad in all of us, but I’ll only ever remember the good in Jared.”
Tristan hugged me to him, burying his face in my hair. “Thank you for that. It helps, to know someone else saw him how I did, that there are more of us to remember him like that.”
“Always,” I whispered in his ear. “I will always be here to remember him like that with you.”
The day of the funeral seemed to last forever, well-wishers offering endless condolences to mother and son. It was so obvious to me that all of it was nothing but a strain on them both that it was hard to stomach.
I barely left Tristan’s side, because that was where he needed me to be. He seemed to draw strength from me, and I was desperate to be what he needed, in the face of his pain.
His mother held a reception at her home after the ceremony. Friends and family brought food, and drinks, and no one seemed to want to leave, so it went on into the late hours of the night.
Tristan drank too much, stayed eerily quiet, and kept me close. It wasn’t hard to talk him in to retiring early.
We shared his childhood room that night, clutching each other close on the twin sized bed. There were other places to sleep, more comfortable places, but I didn’t even consider it. This was where he wanted to be, and I would be there with him.
“I love you,” I murmured into his ear before he drifted off.
“I love you. So much. You’re my rock, Danika,” he said quietly.
Finally, for the first time in days, he drifted off into a deep sleep. I gazed at him with tender eyes the entire time.
Watching him sleep, feeling his heart beat under my palm, I could admit it to myself. I would love this man to the end of my days. I’d fallen too deep. Middle of the Pacific deep, with no land in sight. There was no going back. My heart was his forever.
BOOKS BY R.K. LILLEY
IN FLIGHT (UP IN THE AIR #1)
MILE HIGH (UP IN THE AIR #2)
GROUNDED (UP IN THE AIR #3)
LANA (AN UP IN THE AIR NOVELLA)
BREATHING FIRE (HERETIC DAUGHTERS #1)
BAD THINGS (BAD THINGS #1)
TRISTAN AND DANIKA’S STORY CONTINUES IN
ROCK BOTTOM (TRISAN & DANIKA #2)
COMING SOON…
AN EXCERPT FROM ROCK BOTTOM
DANIKA
It had already been a shit of a day by the time I made it to Tristan’s apartment. Shitty was really an understatement, though. It had been hell. Pure hell. Right in the fire of it.
I had too much on my plate, and my boyfriend was out of town for weeks at a time, which just sucked. Knowing that I’d get to see Tristan at some point on a day like this was all that had helped me keep it together.
I had a key to his apartment, but I knocked first, out of courtesy. I wasn’t that courteous, though, because I unlocked it and walked in before anyone had time to answer.
I saw right away that they wouldn’t have answered, anyway.
It was three o’clock in the afternoon, but you wouldn’t know it by the state of the apartment. Women were everywhere, slutty, groupie looking women, and I instantly felt my temper starting to boil.
Dean was lying, shirtless, on the couch. His jeans were undone, and some tramp had her hand down his pants, even as another bimbo sat hip to hip with him, sharing a joint.
Dean saw me and smiled, and I knew that this wasn’t going to be a good visit. Just as I could read a different meaning into every one of Tristan’s smiles, Dean’s only ever meant one thing. Trouble. Not fun trouble. Just bad trouble. Ruin your day trouble.
“Hey! You come to join the party? I think your boyfriend is busy, but you know you’re always first in line to suck my cock.”
I walked through the living room, heading to the back of the apartment, where the bedrooms were. If I’d been thinking clearly, I’d have gone through the kitchen, but a few words out of his mouth and my brain was already too scrambled with my temper to have a mature interaction with him, if there was such a thing.
“You might not want to go back there. I believe he said he wanted privacy…”
I whipped my head around to give him one smoldering glare.
He just chuckled. “You know I think you’re fucking hot when you’re mad. I mean, I’d fuck you any time, but when you’re mad, mmmm, now that would be a treat.”
I stifled my first urge, which was to tell him to go fuck himself, because I knew he’d just turn it into a suggestion. Instead, I settled for specific and childish. “I hope you choke on one of your own used condoms, and die, you asshole,” I told him, striding out of the room.
I heard him laughing behind me, and my fists clenched hard.
“Babe, I don’t use condoms,” he called after me.
“Disgusting pig,” I muttered as I reached the closed door to Tristan’s room.
I didn’t knock, just opening the door quietly. I figured girlfriend rights supers
eded some common courtesies.
I froze in the doorway as I took in the room.
Tristan was lying on his back on the bed, wearing nothing but his boxers, an arm thrown over his eyes, as though he were sleeping. By the agitated movements of his chest, I knew that wasn’t the case.
A naked woman, some beyond trashy, slutbag blonde from hell, was straddling him. Her hands were running over his chest, tracing his tattoos.
I was absolutely frozen, in fury, in hurt, in outright disbelief, which was all that kept me from reacting too quickly, which turned out to be a good thing.
“If you don’t get off right this second,” Tristan growled from underneath the naked tramp, his voice sleepy, and irritated, and just plain mean. “I’m going to throw you off. I told you, I have a girlfriend.”
“She’s not here now,” the slut from hell purred, still running her hands over his chest. My chest. “I won’t tell if you won’t.”
That was my cue to shout, yes, you bitch, I am here, but some devil kept me silent. I sincerely wanted to see how this played out. I needed to see it.
“Well, then, since you apparently don’t have an ounce of pride or self-respect, let me spell it out for you. I don’t want you. I want you to leave my room and my apartment and never come back. I turned you down three times, and you still waited until I was passed out, and jumped me. How many times do I have to say it? I wouldn’t touch you if you were my only option, which you aren’t. Is that clear enough for you, or do you want me to try a different language now?”
He sounded mean, mean in a way I rarely heard from him. He was usually so amiable, bossy, yes, possessive, always, but usually just nice, and it was startling to hear his voice go pure mean.
Bimbo face seemed to get the hint, climbing off him with a pout on her face. “You’re no fun,” she muttered, “and I can tell that you wanted me. I got you hard.”
“Don’t take it personal. The fucking wind blowing gets me hard. Now get out.”
She barely spared me a glance, but I had to stifle the urge to follow her and scratch her eyes out.
I stayed in the doorway, leaning against the frame of it while he sat up, rubbing his eyes. It took him a few quiet moments to notice me there.
When he did, he went white, as though he’d just seen a ghost.
He slid out of bed, moving to me, looking guilty as hell. If I hadn’t just heard the whole thing with my own ears, that look would have been enough to convict him. It was a good thing I’d kept my mouth shut and let it play out. Still, I was spitting mad. I was sick to death of shit like this always testing us. It just seemed to me, that if you valued a thing, you found ways to keep it from being compromised. Groupies in the apartment had been a bone of contention for a while now.
He was in just a pair of black boxers and so it was impossible to miss the fact that he had a raging hard-on. That was the last straw for me. I just couldn’t deal with this today, especially when I’d so been looking forward to a happy reunion, and not some disgusting groupie rubbing her naked body on him.
“I need to leave,” I told him, already backing out of the room. “I just can’t deal with this shit right now. I have enough on my plate already.”
He followed me, uncaring of the fact that he was practically naked, and sporting an obvious erection and the house was full of groupies.
“Danika, you have to believe me. Whatever you think that was—”
“I know what it was. I heard what it fucking was, and I don’t care. I’m sick of this. If you cared about us, you wouldn’t be putting yourself in positions where naked whores are rubbing on you in your sleep. Dean can have his groupies live here for all I care, but I’m out.”
I turned on my heel, and strode to the front door. I had my hand on the knob before he stopped me, and he stopped me in the most Tristan way possible.
He pressed against me from behind, mostly naked, hard as a poker, and completely unmindful of the room full of people that must be watching us.
“I’ve missed you,” he whispered in my ear, his hands moving over my hands, pinning them to the door above me. “You can’t imagine how much I’ve missed you. I thought about you day and night. When I would text, and you wouldn’t reply right away, I came so close to saying fuck it all and driving home to find you.”
“I’ve been busy. I have classes, and I actually attend them pretty regularly. I always answered back as soon as I could.”
“I know, but it’s not enough. We should never be apart, not for any reason. I can’t stand it. Come back to bed with me, sweetheart. I need you. Now.”
The press of his body, that rasp in my ear, had me wet and ready and I wanted nothing more than to give in, but I didn’t intend to just let this go. It had been too big of a problem for too long, and I was sick of it. I had enough shitty things going on in my life right now. Groupies humping my boyfriend in his sleep was not going to be one of them.
“I need to leave. I’ll call you later, but I really just can’t deal with this right now. I’m too angry. I might say some things to you that I’ll regret later, if I don’t have time to cool off first.”
He made a little sound of protest in the back of his throat, and of course that got to me. It had always been so hard for me to tell him no, and that had only gotten worse, the deeper I’d fallen for him.
“Please,” he said, very very quietly, a word he almost never used. “I need you. Now. You can chew me a new one after. I can take it, sweetheart.”
I wrenched my hands free, turning to glare at him. “It’s not about chewing you a new one, you ass. It’s about things that go on in this apartment when I’m away that I won’t stand for. It’s not about talk, it’s about change—”
“Okay. Fine,” he interrupted, looking earnest. “You tell me what you need and I’ll see it done. Change away.”
I set my jaw into a stubborn line, knowing that I was going to go down in the band’s history for being a bitch for this. “No more groupies in the apartment. And wherever you’re staying in L.A., for the recording, no groupies there, either. Girlfriends, dates, fine, but these sluts I see today, have got to go.”
He gave a brief nod, turning his head to address the room. “New house rules. Any chick that isn’t a girlfriend needs to leave. And since I know Dean doesn’t have a girlfriend, that’s all of you.”
Of course Dean, who was still on the couch, had something to say about that. “Fuck you, man. This is my house, too. If you get to have your pus—”
“If you finish that fucking sentence, you know what’s going to happen. Now, clear the room. The lease is under my name. If you have a problem with the new house rule, you can get the fuck out, too.”
There was a lot of muttering and movement, but everyone seemed to be obeying.
Tristan pulled me out of the way as the slutty parade started to file out. He watched for a moment, seemed to think it was settled, and turned back to me, moving against me until my shoulders hit the wall.
“Anything else?” he asked, but he didn’t even give me a chance to answer before he was slanting his mouth over mine, hungry and hot, and just what I’d been waiting for. It had been weeks since I’d seen him, and I was kissing him back instantly, moaning as his tongue invaded me. He thrust it in and out, fucking my mouth.
He pinned my hands to the wall, sliding a thigh between mine, pushing it high, until I was riding it, my hips moving in circles to rub against him restlessly. It wasn’t enough, and I hooked my leg behind his hip, every part of me working to bring his hardness into my core.
He groaned, working his hips between my thighs until we were fitted. Our clothes were in the way, but the contact was just in the perfect spot, and I worked against him, rubbing my clit against his cock, working to a fever pitch in seconds.
“Get a room,” Dean said loudly.
Tristan ripped his mouth away, turning his head to bark, “Privacy! Now!”
Dean muttered something that I couldn’t quite make out, but sure enough, he obey
ed. I’d witnessed this exchange countless times.
The instant we were completely alone, Tristan started stripping me. He started with my tank top, peeling it off, opening the front clasp of my bra with one swift movement, and slipping it off my arms.
He went down to his knees to work on my jeans. They were tight, so he had to work them off slowly, taking my panties with them.
Being stripped was distracting, but not as distracting as his kiss had been, and as I became slightly less distracted, I found my mind moving to the thing that was bugging me, stupid as it was.
“You wanted her. You were hard for her.”
He paused briefly, then resumed peeling. “Sweetheart, I was sleeping. That was morning wood, and for your information, I was dreaming of you when she interrupted me. I was expecting you, and when I felt someone get on top of me, that was the first thought that occurred. It didn’t last but a second, though, before I realized that it was some strange woman.”
That appeased me, but mostly because skanky groupies were now banned from the house, so it wouldn’t be happening again.
The second he got my jeans free of my feet, he pulled my legs over his shoulders and buried his face between my thighs, effectively stopping any more thinking on my part. His tongue worked on me expertly, his big fingers delving inside of me, working into a rhythm that had me mindless and writhing against the wall, his shoulders pushing between my legs all that kept me upright.
He’d been growing his hair out, per my request, and I buried my hands in it, gripping for dear life.
“I love you,” I cried out as I came.
“I love you, too, sweetheart,” he said, as he freed himself from my legs, rising. He stripped off his boxers in one smooth motion, moving flush against me, and fitting himself between my legs. “I can’t take these separations. I’m leaning towards saying fuck this record deal. You’re my whole life. What’s the point of it all, if I can’t be with you all the fucking time?”
Bad Things (Tristan & Danika #1) Page 32
