“That was nothing. The worst part was how they treated you. I’m so sorry.”
He slows the car and pulls into a gas station parking lot. “Don’t ever be sorry for anything anyone else ever does. You don’t owe me an apology. I should be thanking you.”
“For what?”
“You gave me a gift back there. Not only did I see what shaped you into the amazing woman you are, but you also defended me. Unnecessarily, but still.”
“Of course I did. My mother had no right to speak to you that way. She doesn’t know a thing about you. She doesn’t know how hard you work, how intelligent you are, or how much people respect you. Fuck her and her shitty opinions.”
His eyes are soft and appreciative as he pulls in a breath. “I remember once watching you defend Carmen. All I could think about was how loyal you were to her. I wished I knew someone who believed in me as much as you believed in her. Tonight, you went to bat for me. It was the first time someone was ever that devoted to me without having anything to gain. Not that I ever doubted you before, but you really opened my eyes. I’ll never take that for granted. It means more to me than you know.”
“You mean more to me than you know.”
Reaching over and pushing a hair from my eyes, the certainty with which he studies me fills me up. “You’re never getting rid of me. I hope you know that,” he says, eyebrows raised.
“Right back at you.” A slow smile builds on my face. He’s really all in and all mine.
HOGAN RETURNS HOME the next day and I try to keep busy at the bookstore to not miss him so much. Missing any man is a new experience for me and it scares me I could feel this way about anyone.
Carmen can’t wait to hear all the details of our time together in New York. I can’t contain myself and probably reveal way too many intimate details, but I need someone to tell me I’m not crazy for being so crazy for him. Carmen thinks Hogan is “A-MAZ-ING” to use her exact word. She genuinely likes him and he’s sweet to her, which gives him major bonus points with me. Someday, I’m going to tell her all about our little trysts during the show, but that can’t happen until after the final episode. We need to make sure Hogan doesn’t get in any trouble and I don’t lose my possible win.
Hogan couldn’t tell me much about his next job assignment, so I have no idea where he is or what he’s doing. He’s vague about his life whenever we talk. He texts me when he can and calls me at night when he’s not working. I can see why he never really had a girlfriend, but when it comes down to it, I’m not sure I ever had a real boyfriend either. Maybe that’s why we work. He accepts me and vice versa.
After spending two weeks apart, I realize long distance relationships suck. I care for him more than I should for how little time we’ve spent together, but I swear it’s like we’ve known each other for years.
I wonder where I’ll be working if I win. Now that some time has passed, I’m worried I won’t. I have no idea what I’ll do if I lose. Carmen tries to pretend she doesn’t know I made it to the end. I’ve told her I can’t talk about it, but I think she can tell by my poor lying skills that I did. The promos have been all over television and the internet. Seamore Productions contacted me to advise me how to handle questions and told me what my interview schedule will be like the week before the results. They’re sending me all over the U.S. I’m nervously excited to begin a new chapter in my life. Carmen will be doing an interview in New York after her final night airs. She may get to go to L.A. for a talk show too. We have to wait and see how much people like the show and/or us, for that matter.
After weeks of waiting, we finally get to watch the first episode. It starts with the interviews. Interviews and second-round selections will air two days the first week, with the show running once a week for seven weeks. It was supposed to last ten, but after what happened with Carter and his group, they had to cut back. Carmen is going to lose it when she finds out what he tried to do to me. If not for Hogan still being in my life, the whole thing would feel like a dream. Hogan feels like a dream too.
Carmen and I cringe at our interviews, feeling we sound stupid. They pay extra attention to those of us who make it into the next round and through to the show, but you wouldn’t be able to tell from watching.
The minute the show is over, Carmen and I start getting texts and calls from everyone we know and people we haven’t spoken to in years. The Fabulist’s team calls us the next day, advising us what to do with our personal social media accounts and the ones they intend to set up for us in relation to the show. It’s a bit frightening to be honest.
I’m disappointed when I don’t hear from Hogan for three days after the first show airs. When he finally calls, he sounds exhausted.
“Hey… I’m so sorry I’ve been out of touch. Work has been… just crazy.”
“I understand.”
I hear him sigh and I think he can tell I’m a bit sad. “I’ve missed you. You have to know that, Sam.”
“I do.”
“Sam…”
“Hogan…”
“It’s not always going to be this way. I promise.”
“How can you promise me that? What happens if I win? I’ll be working, you’ll be working. Who knows where I’ll end up? I don’t know if this is going to—”
“It is going to work. Don’t doubt me.”
“I don’t doubt you. It’s just that—”
“Are you trying to walk away? Because I’m pretty sure things haven’t gotten even close to tough yet.”
I lie on my bed and listen to the rain. “I’m still all in,” I tell him.
“And so am I. No matter how much time, space, or crap is between us. Just be patient for me?”
I’d do anything for him, and it scares the shit out of me.
It’s been almost a month since the show started and over a month since I’ve laid eyes on Hogan. I’m excited that bits and pieces of the crew end up on screen. Every once in a while I see him and it makes my heart burst. My mother has called me multiple times to voice how appalled she is at my behavior. I haven’t answered or returned any of her messages. Silence works even better than arguing when it comes to her. I have a new weapon in my arsenal now. I’ve spoken to my father a few times. He loves the show. He’s told me how he brags about me at work and that his office staff has formed a Sam Wittaker fan club. It blows my mind that people might actually like me, attitude and all.
Not being able to discuss the show with anyone is getting more and more difficult. People at the bookstore ask me questions all the time. If I have to say “You’ll have to wait and see” one more time, I’m going to scream.
I grit my teeth every time I hear myself use someone’s nickname on the show. Feeling horrible for it, I know I’m going to owe certain people apologies when I see them on decision night, especially Brenda. The plotting and planning other contestants did that I wasn’t aware of during the show makes all my scheming seem not so crazy. I think I come across as fairly intelligent for guessing what they were up to. I’m relieved when my sex toy demonstration doesn’t air. I’m guessing it was too inappropriate for television. My mother would have died. Seeing her reaction would have been hysterical, my father’s might have killed me.
Carmen and I sometimes get recognized on the street. It was alarming at first, but we’ve started having fun with it. Hogan has been diligent about calling and texting me since my slight freak-out. I’ve learned phone sex, while not as rewarding, can still be fun.
I’m a bit nervous to watch the episode where I win the card game and get to meet The Fabulist. Carmen cringes every time she sees her lovelorn face when Bryce is speaking, but tonight, when it’s even more obvious she’s infatuated with Bryce while he’s explaining the rules of the card game, she loses it.
“Do you think he’s watching this? Do you think he knows?” she screeches from behind a pillow.
“No! I bet he’s too busy to watch. I’m sure it’s not even obvious to people who don’t know you.” I’m a lousy liar, but sh
e wants so badly for it to be okay that she believes me.
I’m in my pink sweats with my hair in a lopsided bun, eating Cheetos with Carmen, when we watch my interview with The Fabulist. The more I hear his voice, the more convinced I am he isn’t Tom. They sound nothing alike. I wonder if Tom works for him, like Maria did, but that doesn’t jibe with the other clues I’ve collected. I want to tell Carmen—anyone—my theories, but I can’t, and it’s driving me nuts. Now that I’m seeing what went on with the other contestants, I’m starting to doubt everything.
When the murder mystery begins, Carmen and I both frown. It’s the night she left the show.
“I’m really excited for next week,” she says, smiling. “I’m dying to know what happened after I left. DY-ING!”
I almost say, “You’ll just have to wait and see,” but I stop myself, annoyed. It’s becoming a horrible habit.
When the camera spins to me during the show, my dress reminds me it was the night the power went out in the elevator. I glance at the clock. He hasn’t called me yet today. I miss him.
Carmen and I laugh at the humor the producers added when we’re all running about gathering clues. As they break for commercial, there’s a knock on the door.
“Who could that be?” Carmen whispers nervously.
We’ve become slightly paranoid about potential stalkers.
“I don’t know. You look through the peephole and I’ll grab my cell to call the police.”
She nods and tiptoes to the door. As I reach for my cell, I hear the door creaks open.
“Carmen, what the fuck?” I turn, thinking I’m going to have fight the stalker she just let walk through our door.
“Did I miss anything?” he asks, arms open wide, one hand holding a huge bouquet of flowers.
Carmen giggles excitedly and claps her hands as I fly across the room and jump into Hogan’s arms, straddling his waist.
His smell, his voice, his touch—everything I felt for him before rushes back full force and every single worry or doubt instantly disappears.
Carmen takes the flowers to the kitchen for a vase. He wraps both arms around me. He laughs his deep sensual laugh as I cling to his neck, hugging him tightly. He wobbles inside carrying me and closes the door.
I pull my head away from his neck to stare into his gorgeous eyes, my hands on his cheeks.
“Surprise,” he says tenderly.
I don’t waste a single moment. I kiss him and he moans as I slide down his body to stand in front of him.
We hear Bryce’s voice on the TV as our lips part. It’s just an ad about the website for the show, but anything with Bryce gets Carmen’s attention.
“I’m watching this. You two need to move,” Carmen announces, pushing past us to sit on the floor near the screen.
“You taste like… Cheetos?” he squints and licks his lips for another taste to confirm his suspicion.
“Oh shit!” I reach up and cover my face, then down to my Cheeto-dusted sweats, before I attempt to rush away from him. He laughs again, grabbing me at the waist and pulling me back. Placing my hands over his eyes, I yell, “Don’t look at me. I’m hideous!”
He easily pulls my hands away and twists them behind me. “Not possible.”
He moves closer to eliminate the distance between us and sighs. “I’ve never found you more attractive than I do right now.”
“Shut up! Now you’re just making fun of me.”
His eyes soften. “I’ve missed you.”
I stop caring what I look like when I see the familiar gleam in his eyes.
“Ooh! It’s on!” Carmen shouts.
I take Hogan’s hand and lead him to the couch. He lifts the bag of Cheetos from where I was sitting and pops one in his mouth. As much as I want to watch the show, I’d rather watch him eat Cheetos more.
When Carmen sees how upset I am after she gets kicked off, she cries. “Aww, Sammy! You look so sad. You really love me, don’t you?”
“I really do,” I tell her. I try not to let my eyes wander to Hogan. I’m still holding on to the thought that what I feel for him might be love, but I’m scared to admit it to myself, much less him.
At the end, they show a preview of the next episode with police cars and an ambulance zooming to the hotel, followed by Bryce saying, “You don’t want to miss this life or death episode.”
I roll my eyes to Hogan as he adjusts my messy hair. He’s always touching me and it’s thrilling. I’m practically on his lap, but it’s still not close enough.
Carmen’s eyes about pop out of her head. “This is poop! I hate that I have to wait until next week when I have all the info I need right here on my couch.”
“You have no idea what not telling you is doing to me!” I shout to her, leaning forward.
Hogan expels a breath as if it’s painful. He glares at the wall, deep in thought and I wonder what he’s thinking about.
“I want you to tell me. I hate that you’re keeping secrets from me.” Carmen pouts.
“I would never keep secrets from you if I wasn’t so scared of getting sued! Maybe all the cameras during the show have me paranoid,” I add, twisting my mouth. “I mean, how would they know if I told you?”
Carmen claps her hands and waits for my reveal. “Tell me! Tell me everything.”
“No!” Hogan roars. “Trust me when I tell you that you have to listen to them. As near impossible and wrenching as it is to want to tell someone everything, you can’t. They mean what they say.”
“Hmm…” My eyes wander back to Carmen. “Sorry. He should know. He’s probably seen it firsthand, with all his years working there.”
“Well, fiddlesticks.” Carmen sighs, pushing up from the floor. “I’m off to bed. Goodnight, Hulk.” She laughs.
“Night, Carmen.”
I attempt to straighten the blob of hair on my head and Hogan laughs as he reaches up to touch it. “I guess now you’ve seen everything,” I tell him.
“If this is your worst, I’m a lucky guy.”
“You are a lucky guy,” I agree, removing the bag of Cheetos from his hands and climbing onto his lap. “No one besides Carmen has ever seen me in my dirty pink sweats.”
“All I heard was dirty.”
I smile and touch his stubbled face. “I can’t believe you’re here.”
“It’s just for tonight. I have to leave for a long trip tomorrow.”
My eyes drop.
“I’m sorry. I’m going to be gone until the end of the show. Long production schedule and lots of meetings.”
Something in my gut twists as he speaks. I can’t tell if I’m upset he’ll be gone or if it’s that I don’t believe him. “If I find out you’re keeping a secret wife and kids somewhere, I’ll never fucking talk to you again.”
He smirks. “I swear to you on my life, I’ve never been married and no one has come forward saying I have kids.”
I huff, “Come forward? Does that mean there’s a chance?”
He shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant, Sam. No! No kids. No chance.”
“Do you want kids?” I ask. I instantly regret it. Why in the fuck would I ask him that? What’s wrong with me? “Never mind. Don’t answer that,” I add, quickly glancing away.
He smirks and licks his lips. “Maybe, if I met the right girl.”
“Well, I’ll keep my eye out for you,” I tease, but it’s an act.
“Sam… truthfully. You have to know I wish we could talk about my work and the show. There are so many things I want to say.”
“I know. Me too. But it’s not worth either one if us getting in trouble over.” I wink. “We can wait to discuss all the juicy stuff you heard while filming until later.”
His expression turns more serious. “What if I heard stuff that I couldn’t tell you and it would possibly make you hate me?” His eyebrows are furrowed and it’s as if he’s holding his breath, waiting for me to respond.
I stare at him, concerned. What if he heard Carter and Courtney plotting
to hurt me? I guess he couldn’t break any rules by telling anyone, but still. Hate him? That doesn’t seem possible. It gives me pause.
“I… I don’t know.” I push off his lap and begin to pace.
He swallows hard and stands, stretching his hand out to touch me. “You have to know that if I could talk about it, I would tell you everything.”
“Would you have let them hurt me? Would you have let Carter hurt me?” I ask, not sure I want to hear the answer.
He thinks for a moment as if he doesn’t understand what I’m asking. When it hits him, he steps forward, shaking his head. “That’s not what I’m… Are you referring to the water? Because if I had known that was their plan, I would have…”
He stops and his fingers rush through his hair. “I want to tell you everything, but I… I can’t. I’m sworn to secrecy too. You have no idea what would happen if I did.”
My gut is twisting again.
He closes his eyes briefly then opens them to me. There’s fire in his eyes. “I’ve never traveled across the country for anyone once, much less twice. There’s really nothing I wouldn’t do for you or to keep you safe. You have a hold on me that leaves me feeling susceptible. I don’t like feeling weak. But at the same time, having you in my life also makes me feel stronger than I ever have before. You give me something to fight for.”
Shaking my head at myself, I immediately know why I’m overreacting. This whole thing between us is frightening and I’m letting my fear of the unknown get to me. He’s made me feel more in months than I’ve felt my entire life. I won’t walk away from him out of fear. I’ve never let anything else scare me; why should uncertain feelings be any different?
My heart pounds. “If I could, I’d travel across the country for you too,” I add, telling him how I feel without saying the words. “Maybe even three times.” I wink and he smiles.
He removes the clip from my hair, letting it fall loose over my shoulders. The desire in his eyes mimics mine and I know we’re done talking. It’s time to show him how much I missed him and why he always needs to come back.
The Fabulist Page 26
