“Seriously? That’s horrible. What’s wrong with people?”
“Yeah, exactly. Anyway, there have been no phone calls since we’ve been here so hopefully it was just some kids playing a prank or something. It’s nice to have her here. I didn’t think it would be as easy to have her around as it is.”
“Sounds like you really like her. I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like this. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met one of your girlfriends before. You don’t really date, do you? You normally just hook up with girls.”
I laughed. “That sounds about right. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s different with Blaire. I think I’m starting to really fall for her. I’ve never known something like this before.”
“I’m glad for you, Ryan. But be careful, okay?”
“Be careful? What do you mean?”
“I just don’t want you to get hurt like I did.”
“I’ll be careful,” I said. But I wished that Reed could see that not every situation was going to turn out the way his did with his ex-wife.
After that, we turned our attention back to the CAT scan. Reed explained how the whole worked and slowly took me through the process. Afterward, he asked me to wait for him in the waiting area until he looked through everything. He didn’t make me wait too long, but it still felt like forever. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I picked up a magazine and paged through it only to realize I hadn’t actually looked at the pages at all. When he finally walked in and called me back to his office, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. There was something in the way he had looked at me that made me feel uncomfortable.
I sighed. “Okay, give it to me straight, bro.”
“Ryan, it looks like you have severe head trauma. That’s what’s causing the headaches. And, from my look at the scan, I have a feeling your headaches are much worse than what you’ve been telling me. Am I right?”
Head trauma? That didn’t sound good. I wasn’t sure what to say. There seemed no point in lying to him anymore. “Yeah, they’ve been getting worse. And they’ve been happening a lot more. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it.”
“A head trauma is a big deal, though. It’s not something to take lightly.”
“So, what exactly does this mean?” I asked even though I didn’t really want to know the answer.
Reed took a deep breath. “Ryan, it means that if you carry on fighting, you might cause more problems for yourself in the very near future. Another head injury could be fatal.”
“Fatal?”
“It could render you paralyzed or could even kill you. I’m not saying that’s where you are now. But I am saying that I don’t think you should fight anymore.”
Not fight? How could I not fight anymore? That was my whole life.
Chapter Twenty
Blaire
I knew I had done the right thing when I offered to look after Trinity for the day. I could see the relief written all over Reed’s face. I didn’t have children, but I couldn’t imagine how hard it must be to look after a child when having such an important job. And the fact that he did it all alone must make it so much worse. He was a good father though, and Trinity clearly was a well-rounded child. I wonder if he knew what a good job he was doing or he was constantly beating himself up for not doing enough?
“Are you going to be nice to Blaire?” Ryan asked Trinity.
Yes,” she nodded. “I am going to be nice to her. We’re going to have so much fun!”
Ryan laughed. “I’m sure you are,” he said. Then he looked at me. “Thanks again, Blaire.”
“No problem. See you boys later.”
“Yeah, bye boys,” Trinity said.
I laughed. Trinity was hilarious. I made a mental note to tell Katie about her when I got back. She’d be happy to know I was a hit with the kids as I was sure I’d be asked to babysit once she eventually had a child. I turned to look at Trinity.
“Yay! The boys are gone!”
“Are you really an actress?” she said to me. I loved how conversations with children always took on a life of its own. They didn’t bother with moving a conversation toward the direction they wanted it to go. They just asked the question that was on their mind without worry. It was a refreshing change from the stuffy social conventions of adulthood.
“I really am.”
“You’re actually on the TV?” she asked.
“Yes. Do you have a computer here? I can show you if you like?”
“Yes! My daddy has one. But I can use it too. I can play games on it.”
She took me to the living room and handed the laptop to me. I opened it up and looked for a video clip of me. There were hundreds available, so they were easy to find. I remembered how disconcerting it was when I first looked up my name, but now it seemed so normal to me. I found one that I thought she might like it played it for her.
Trinity sat rapt by what she was seeing. Her jaw hung open, and she kept looking from the screen to me and back again. When the clip was done, she asked me to play one more. Then another. Six video clips later and I had to convince her that there were no more to see.
“Wow. That was you!” she said.
“Yeah. So, what do you want to be when you’re older? I know you told Ryan you wanted to be spaghetti, which is a very cool answer by the way. But is there anything else you want to be?”
She gave it some serious thought, as she did with many questions that were thrown her way. I wonder if she got that look from her father. Reed seemed to be a very serious man too.
“An actress!” she said suddenly.
I laughed. “Well, you can certainly be one if you want to be.”
“Yes. I want to be Dory.”
“The fish?”
She nodded and told me all about the movie, in great detail. She then promised me that we would watch it together soon.
“We must wait to watch it with my daddy. He’s already seen it with me, but he told me that it was his favorite movie. So I think we should wait and watch it with him.”
I chuckled. Poor Reed. “I think that’s a wonderful idea. So, what should we do next? Why don’t we do some drawings? Do you have any paper?”
“I have lots!” she said and took me to her room.
We took a ream of paper, and a whole box of colorful pens and took them back to the living room with us. I made us both chocolate milk to drink, and we sat on the floor to draw. I was surprised at how much fun it was.
“Wow, look at you. You are so good,” I said to her.
“Thank you. Maybe I will also be an artist,” she said.
“An actress, an artist, and spaghetti: that’s quite the list you’ve got there.”
“Did you see all the art on Uncle Ryan’s body? I asked my daddy if I could have one too, but he said I was too young. He said I could have one when I was eighteen if I still wanted.”
Had I seen the art on Ryan’s body? Oh, I’d seen it, all right. I’d seen it all. I smiled at the thought of him. “Yes, I think it looks good on him.”
“Do you also have art on your body? My daddy says they are called tadoos,” she said.
“Close. They’re tattoos. And I don’t even have one. Maybe I will go with you when you turn eighteen.”
“Really?” she said and looked up at me. Her little eyes were round in surprise.
“Yeah, why not? It’s a date!”
“Is Ryan your date?”
“Ryan? Uh, he’s my friend.”
“He’s my friend too. He’s my favorite uncle. I have a few, and I think Ryan is my favorite. But my daddy said I mustn’t say that to my other uncles as it might make them sad. But Ryan is so cool.”
I smiled. “He is very cool.”
“I wish he would live here. He’s so far away. Do you live by him?”
“I do.”
“You’re lucky. He’s lucky too. You’re also cool.”
There was nothing that compared to getting a compliment from a child. It felt a lot
more real, more genuine than getting one from an adult. “Thank you. I think you’re cool too.”
“Are you going to marry my Uncle Ryan? Because if you do, then you can in the family.”
I wasn’t sure how to answer the question. At that moment Ryan and I were just telling people that we were friends, and we hadn’t even broached the subject ourselves. I didn’t know if he was my boyfriend, so I certainly didn’t know if I was going to marry him.
“Marry? Uh, I’m not sure who I’m going to marry.”
“You should marry him. He’s the best. And then you can visit all the time! We can draw and watch Dory together.”
I smiled. “You make a valid point.”
We continued to draw for another hour, and Trinity did not stop talking for one minute. By the end of our drawing session, I knew all about her school and all about her best friends. The only thing she hadn’t spoken about was what had happened with her mother, but I didn’t dare ask her. She seemed like the type of kid that would bring it up if she wanted to talk about it.
I had no idea what time Reed and Ryan were due to come back, so I was surprised when I heard the car pull into the driveway.
“That’s Daddy’s car,” Trinity told me. “I always know when it’s him. His car sounds different from all the others.” She tried to imitate the screeching sound it had made when he parked, and I laughed. I had noticed the sound too.
But when they walked through the door, I knew that something wasn’t right. Ryan was pale and looked like he was about to faint at any moment. Reed didn’t look much better himself.
“Ryan. What’s wrong?” I said and walked toward him.
“Uh . . . I just need to take a shower. I’ll be back. Nothing’s wrong.”
I watched in confusion as he walked off and I looked toward Reed. Reed looked at his daughter and smiled. The smile was obviously fake and only meant for Trinity’s sake.
“I think Uncle Ryan just had something funny to eat. Remember like that time you ate that sandwich, and you got sick? You also had to rush off like that.”
She pulled a face. “Oh no. He’s going to throw up then!”
Reed waited until Trinity was busy with something else and then walked up to me. “I think you should go and see him.”
“What’s wrong?” I whispered back.
He shook his head and pointed at Trinity. He clearly didn’t want to say anything in front of her. And after hearing how much Trinity loved her uncle, I didn’t want her to hear anything either.
“I’ll be back soon, Trinity. I’m just going to make sure Ryan is okay. I think he needs company right now.”
“Okay, tell him to drink water. That’s what my daddy told me.”
“I’ll tell him.”
I shot Reed a worried glance and hurried out to see Ryan. A million thoughts were running through my head.
When I got inside the back house, I found him sitting on the bed, just staring at his hands. His shirt was off, and his towel was next to him, but he hadn’t yet gone for a shower. He didn’t even hear me come in. He just sat there, staring.
“Ryan, what’s wrong?” I said, and I went to sit next to him. “Are you okay? Don’t worry; we told Trinity that you just had something bad to eat. So nobody is coming. It’s just me. You can talk to me. Are you okay?”
He shook his head but didn’t say anything. I took his hand, and for a while, the two of us just sat there holding hands while I waited for him to feel ready to talk.
“Ryan, are you ready to talk?” I said to him after a while, even though a part of me didn’t really want him to tell me at all. I wished that I made Reed tell me so that I could be more prepared for what was coming.
He turned to face me and sighed. “I went for a checkup with Reed. I . . . I wasn’t being completely honest with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“My headaches. They’ve been worrying me. I wasn’t going to see Reed just for a routine checkup. I just said that because I didn’t want you to worry, and frankly I didn’t want to really admit the whole thing to myself either. I decided to go and see if there was perhaps something more going on. Obviously, I hoped there wasn’t. But . . .”
I felt like I was going to faint now and I was sure that the color had also drained from my face. I squeezed his hand and looked at him.
“What’s wrong?” I finally asked him.
“We did a CAT scan. It’s not just a headache. I mean, I probably should’ve known. I’ve been taking more Advil than normal lately, and the headaches have only been getting worse. Turns out I have head trauma, and it’s very serious.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means . . .” he started and then choked on the words. He looked like he was about to cry, so I squeezed his hand again.
“You can tell me,” I said.
“It means I can’t fight again. If I do . . . well . . . let’s just say the outcome won’t be good.”
Not fight again? I knew how much fighting meant to Ryan. It was his life. “Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m just glad you’re here with me. That’s the only thing I’m grateful for right now. I’m not sure I could’ve taken this news without you being here.”
We sat together for a while without saying anything. There simply wasn’t anything that I could say to make him feel better. Eventually, I got up and took his hand.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s take a shower.” It wasn’t a solution to his problem. But it was something to do. And a way to just be together.
Chapter Twenty-One
Ryan
I wasn’t sure what I would’ve done without Blaire being there for me. I would’ve probably gone into some sort of depression. But with her by my side, I almost forgot about what was going on. I knew I would have to deal with it when I got back, and I wasn’t looking forward to talking to Nick about it, but for now, I just kept it to myself. The only time I thought about it was as I went to bed at night. But then Blaire would turn around and kiss me, and it would be forgotten. And it wasn’t just Blaire that was keeping my mind off everything. Trinity was very aware that I would be leaving soon and she had been holding onto me. It was impossible to think about anything else with Trinity by my side. She was full of beans and very uplifting.
I’d never wanted a child of my own. I watched what my father went through and how much he struggled to look after so many kids without the help of my mother. Perhaps I would’ve had a different viewpoint had she been with us our whole life. I was so young when she died, and I barely remembered her. The only thing I remembered was one minute having a happy father and the next having a stranger take his place. My father became a different man completely. I watched him abuse Brady, the only kid willing to stand up to him, and I remember thinking to myself that I never wanted to have children. But my father was an alcoholic at the time, and very depressed. He was a whole new man now. And Trinity made me wonder if my decision to not have children was perhaps all wrong. I was sure that no matter how hard things were for Reed that he couldn’t imagine his life without her.
That night we decided to go for dinner together as Blaire and I were leaving the following day. Reed was supposed to organize somewhere for us to go, but an hour before he had told us that he had forgotten to make a reservation. He called up the restaurant, and they were now fully booked. Blaire mentioned that she’d heard of a great restaurant nearby and would see if she could get us in.
“Okay, I have the reservation,” she’d said, and we’d all looked at her in surprise. She was in Seattle for the first time, and she was the one calling the shots.
“Hey,” she said when everyone looked at her. “I have connections you know.”
“So, where are we going? Must I dress smartly?”
“Yeah, it’s pretty smart. I think we should all dress up.”
That was an hour ago. Blaire had gone missing with Trinity as the two of them decided to get re
ady together. I was sitting inside the main house with Reed and waiting for them to arrive. Reed kindly put the TV on in order to keep us distracted. Without the TV we would more than likely both find ourselves making small talk, and the small talk would eventually lead to talk about what was really going on. I didn’t want to talk about the head trauma, and I was sure he didn’t, either. I had no idea what we were even watching, and I had a feeling that Reed didn’t know, either. Every now and again there would be laughter from the TV, and the two of us would chuckle in rhythm with it, even though neither us found it funny. I heard Reed sigh and cast a sideways glance at me, and I wondered if he was going to bring up what was going on. I looked straight ahead and refused to look his way. I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the door open behind us.
I turned around and gasped at the sight of Blaire and Trinity. They’d both decided to wear baby blue dresses. Somehow, in that tiny little suitcase of hers, Blaire had an outfit that matched one of Trinity’s. Blaire looked absolutely breathtaking, and Trinity looked adorable. Blaire’s dress was tight around her chest, and then flared ever so slightly until it stopped just below her knees. Trinity’s dress went all the way down to the floor, and she kept twirling around. Both of them had their hair down, with slight curls at the ends. I saw Reed gulp beside me and I wondered if he was remembering a time when his wife was still around.
“Wow, you girls look amazing,” Reed said. “Trinity! I love your hair. You look beautiful.”
She beamed. “Thank you. Blaire did it for me. She has this thing that straightens your hair, but when you wrap your hair around it, then it also curls it. It’s so cool.”
I smiled at them. I walked over to Blaire and kissed her gently on the mouth. “You look incredible. Then I bent down and kissed Trinity lightly on the nose. “You look incredible too.”
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