by Sam Destiny
“I might not have been friendly to your mother, exactly,” she began and felt him wince behind her. She pulled his arms more securely around her, making sure he wouldn’t pull back.
“I had hoped you wouldn’t have heard anything. I mean… Obviously I should’ve known but… It’s not you. I swear it’s not you that’s her problem,” he whispered, kissing her cheek.
“I never thought it was, but… I have a feeling we need to talk. She never hit you, did she? Let you go hungry?”
“Evangeline.”
She could count the times he’d called her that on one hand and it hurt her heart, but she needed him to open up.
“Tell me,” she insisted. “I’m your girlfriend. I want to know everything about you. I need to know everything about you.”
He shifted, clearly trying to get away, but she didn’t let him. “What for?” he snapped. “So you can decide if I’m worthy of your time and attention?”
She would’ve normally been hurt by his defensiveness, especially because she hadn’t attacked him, but since she knew where it came from, why he doubted each little thing she said, she wasn’t mad.
She knew he doubted himself, not her.
She turned in his arms, not surprised when he didn’t look at her. Cupping his cheek, she waited until Tank brought his eyes back to hers. “I need to know so I can prove to you whatever you think about yourself is not true. I need to know your dark corners so I can shine light into them. You know my deepest secrets, my darkest fears. Give me the same insight, please.”
He lowered his lashes, resting his forehead against hers. “You’re not gonna drop it, will you?” he asked and she shook her head.
“You’re my boyfriend, she repeated as if that would make any difference. “You want to be part of my life, so let me be part of yours.”
He stayed silent for the longest time, then tucking her into his side before clearing his throat.
“The first time I realized things were different was when mom dropped me off at preschool. Every mother kissed their child goodbye, but not mine. She just reminded me to not let anyone tell me what to do, and to remember that friends hurt us.”
She sighed. “I cannot decide if your mother is afraid of commitments, or heartbroken.”
“I don’t think she’s either. Her parents raised her to not count on friends or others to forge her happiness. They taught her to rely on herself and take what she wanted. When one of her ‘take-what-you-want-nights’ turned out to have an unpleasant result, she excelled in making sure I stayed away from people. She’d tell me how everyone would try to steal my toys. In kindergarten I didn’t have friends. When I went to elementary school, I wasn’t exactly a social guy anyway and had never learned to share. Of course people didn’t like when I took everything from them, and my mom started telling me that this was what love did. If you counted on people to like you, you would only end up hurt. And I did. I’d been an asshole child, but I didn’t understand that… probably until I met you for the first time, although joining the Army helped a lot too. Not helping me see the error of my ways, but, you know.”
He shrugged and she kissed his nose.
“Up until today I still don’t know how I ended up with Jazz as my best friend. We’re like day and night.”
Evy didn’t agree. “You’re not. The difference between you and him is that by the time you met you’d been through eighteen years of hearing you don’t need friends and that since people disappoint you anyway, you should just take what you need. Luckily he saw right through that. You are just as kind, and sweet, and as beautiful inside out as he is. He probably saw that in you. He knew there was a loyal soul under the asshole attitude.”
He chuckled, but there was no humor in the tone.
“When I got into high school a girl I really liked—or thought I liked—took my virginity. She rode me in the locker room. It was an affair of what? Two minutes? Three? It was my first year, I think even my first week, and when I met her in the hall afterward she looked at me and told me all she’d needed had been that round of sex.”
Evy gritted her teeth. “Proving exactly what your mother had been trying to tell you. Don’t get attached, they don’t want more.”
He nodded. “When the guys I hung out with the football assholes, I started dating girls for four weeks or so, I started tumbling into beds, walking away from the girls. I was good at sports, I was decent in school, and I was handsome—”
“Still are.”
“Huh?” He blinked.
“You still are, Tank. Handsome.”
Finally a small smile came to his lips. “You don’t need to charm me. I’ve already fallen for you.”
Which was a surprise to begin with. With everything he knew, everything he’d been taught from his mother she couldn’t believe he was the way he was around her.
“I’m serious, not charming you. But yes. Why me? And why… I mean… why the change?”
“Jazz is like my brother. We’ve traded punches before. We’ve fought over stupid things, but Jazz always stood by me. Through basic training, through everything after, he was always by my side. Always. It was when I started to wonder if maybe there was more to friendship than my mother ever let on. However, when he met Tessa, the way he was, I felt as if maybe—”
“Your mother had been right? You thought he’d abandon you,” she concluded.
He nodded, but then shrugged. “I figured maybe if I was putting effort in, he wouldn’t leave. I was ready to try once. And then I saw the way Tessa changed him, the way she held him. The way he looked at her and for the first time in my entire life I’d been seriously and downright jealous. I knew the girls I fucked weren’t like Tessa, but I also knew everyone around here knows me, knows my reputation. When you came, I figured I could see how I was with someone who didn’t know me. Someone who’d not heard about me.”
She brushed her fingertips along his arm. “I was your experiment?”
He laughed softly. “No, you were the one thing that could change me for the better. You were my one shot at a happy life, because when I saw Tessa and Jazz together I knew I wasn’t happy. Not sappy-happy like Jazz was.”
She giggled. “Sappy-happy. I like that.”
And she really did, because he was with her, and it was exactly what she felt.
Tank lifted his hand, entwining their hands with a soft smile. “Sappy-happy is when you grin like stupid, you know, and if someone says anything negative to you, you just grin and shrug. Nothing can touch you. And then you told me about your asshole one night stand and I knew I didn’t want to be like that guy.”
Anymore. Maybe he should’ve added the word, but then he knew no matter what, he’d have at least paid for his own child, and that already made him different from Ian Lanestrong.
“You never were like that guy, Tank.”
He kissed her fingertips. “Not with you, but I was.”
God, looking back at that time now made him wonder how he’d not been able to see it earlier. “When Jazz left, the devastation in Tessa, the way she paled… I wanted that. I knew I’d have to change and try, but… with Jazz gone, I didn’t exactly have a role model any longer.”
He was friends with a lot of the soldiers at the base, but none he trusted the way he’d trusted Jazz—still trusted Jazz—and it had been sobering.
“Do you remember that night when you were all there, and we’d tried to keep them apart, and he called her because he couldn’t drive anymore?”
“Because of the fallen soldier?”
“You weren’t there, at the base. You didn’t see her, Ev. The way she sat, not caring about anything but holding Jazz together… I hated her that moment… and him, for having that. She’d been amazing and sweet, and I realized there was no one I could’ve called, no one I could’ve spoken to. No one who would’ve bothered coming over just to hold me, even risking me not wanting to see her.”
Evy nodded against his shoulder and he rested his cheek against her hair. �
�She knew he was the one. She’d known it from the moment she sat across from him at the airport.”
“I wanted to see you that night. So bad.”
The confession left her silent for a few seconds.
“I know.”
Now this left him speechless. “You do?”
She nodded. “I’ve been wondering if you’d ever mention it. That call.”
The drunk-dialing he usually wouldn’t do and yet had been tempted to do many more times with her.
“I didn’t say anything bad.”
“Agreed, you didn’t,” she confirmed, making him exhale quietly. “However, we talked for ten minutes. Maybe a little more. You don’t remember anything of it, do you? Not at all?”
He wondered if he could lie, but chances were she’d realize that before he’d even said a full sentence. “No, I don’t. I knew I’d called you because you were in my call log the next morning.”
“Did you ever wonder why I stayed in contact with you even after going back?”
He hadn’t, no. He’d simply hoped it was that he had finally found a way to act right toward a girl. “Not really, no. Now I think I should start worrying.”
She laughed, touching his chin and turning his face toward her until she could kiss him. He closed his eyes, enjoying the sweet way her lips lingered on his, then pulled back. “Tell me.”
“I remember your very first sentence, word for word. You said you wished you could change the world because you knew in this one you weren’t the guy for me. You went on about not being the one for yourself, either, which didn’t make sense, and you also talked about how you wished that just once someone would reach out to touch you without the intention of getting fucked. You wanted to be touched for the sole reason of that person wanting to touch you.”
Jesus, he’d obviously been more than just a little emotional. “Tell me I didn’t cry.”
She chuckled. “Just for the fun of it I should say you did, but no. You were surprisingly sober in the way you spoke, as in yes, you slurred the words something fierce, but your thoughts seemed to… I don’t know, as if for the first time in your life you were seeing clearly. You were heartbroken, Tank; shattered, crushed, and no one was there to pick up your pieces. You were so lonely, you called a woman you barely knew, had seen less than a handful of times. I cried for you that night.”
He let that sink in, and she didn’t say more. He wished he could recall that talk, only to remember all the sweet words she’d probably said, all the soul-soothing she’d tried.
“If I’d had a car that night, Tank, I would’ve come. I would’ve come even if you’d have regretted seeing me, had pushed me away. I would’ve come so you’d have seen the world isn’t a lonely place.”
“You don’t mean that,” he rasped out, wondering how different the last year could’ve been had she been able to get her hands on a car.
“I considered calling a cab, but—”
“Not at night as a lone woman,” he instantly protested and she laughed.
“Exactly. You sat with me when I had one of the worst evenings of my life, and I wanted to extend the same courtesy to you. You deserved it.”
“Not back then.”
She twisted in his arms again until she could look at him. “That night. The first night. Every night after. You always deserved it, Tank, and you always will.”
She framed his face and he kissed her, held her, and didn’t let go until he had his emotions under control again.
For a brief moment he wondered if she’d noticed the single tear rolling down his cheek, but she didn’t comment on it.
“I love you, Evangeline Jackson. Have for so many months. Never thought I could, but I do.”
She smiled, kissing the tip of his nose. “I love you, too. Probably have for a while already, but I was too afraid.”
“I would’ve been, had I listened to you fucking someone in a back alley.”
“Never again,” she insisted.
He grinned. “Unless it’s you.”
She laughed. “Okay, that might be negotiable.”
He drew her in again, kissing her another time and yet, although everything seemed perfect, he couldn’t deny that suddenly he worried the worst was yet to come.
January moved into February and things got busier by the day at the Lanestrong Events outpost in California. Evy was throwing herself into work, talking to everyone, trying to find loopholes where she could save money and other things she might be able to get cheaper than what had originally been calculated.
It was half past six that day and no one else was in the office any longer. She sat at her desk—which now was a real, heavy desk because she’d replaced her sticks and plank structure— and glanced up, grinning. They’d occupied the entire space in front of her little room, and since so far no one had complained, she wasn’t worried about it.
The elevator doors binged and she stood, curious. She wasn’t expecting anyone and knew better than to stay seated and hope it was just a mistake.
“I tell you,” Tessa’s voice echoed across the space.
Hilary, Leila, and her best friend seemed rather cheery.
“Call it a day. We have a plan,” Tess announced and Evy took a deep breath, but Hilary didn’t even let her get that far.
“It’s been a few days since you and Tank became a couple and we didn’t get the gossip. We didn’t get anything. Give us something good. Man, please. Come and have a girls’ night with us,” Hilary pleaded.
“But—”
“You came to see your best friend. So see her,” Hilary muttered and Evy glanced at Tessa. They hadn’t talked much when it wasn’t about work because Tessa made sure she got home in time to put Johnny to bed. There was something going on, and Evy knew it, but she hadn’t found the time to talk to her best friend about that, either.
Maybe that evening was the best chance.
“Oh, and you need a plan for Valentine’s, because I’m taking off,” Hilary then announced while Evy closed her laptop and then stood.
“But that means I need to find a way to watch Leila while I work,” Evy complained, eyeing Tessa.
“Don’t look at me. Jazz is planning a day for us. Ela is keeping Johnny for the day and the night, and no, I don’t know what he is cooking up,” Tessa said before Evy could say anything at all.
They crossed the wide space and walked around filled tables before calling for the elevator. “Are things okay with Jazz and you?”
Tessa sighed, biting her lip for a moment. “His nightmares have increased again. Will has him telling everything he remembered from that day, over and over, because he hopes to make Jazz see it’s not his fault. He was cleared. He knows that, but there’s part of him that still thinks he could’ve saved more people. So the guilt shifted. It’s been a tough few weeks, or rather nights. He’s perfectly fine during the day, but he cannot control what he dreams about, and he pulled away, not letting me close. We’ve been fighting about him not holding me at night. In fact, he partly sleeps on the sofa because he worries with the nightmares the flashbacks could return.”
“Have they?” Hilary asked, subdued, as they stepped into the elevator and then made their way to the cars.
“No, they haven’t, but that doesn’t mean he holds me. He’s terrified of hurting me. It’s almost like the hospital all over again.”
Evy watched how Tessa tapped her hand onto the roof of Hilary’s car. “Come with me?” she called out and Tessa arched a brow, exchanging a glance with Hilary.
“You’ll be okay?”
Evy acted as if she hadn’t heard the question, mainly because Tessa was her best friend.
“I will, yes,” she assured Hils and then crossed over, sliding into the passenger side while her daughter was in Hilary’s car in the car seat.
“I’ve never spent as much time in a car as I do here,” Evy muttered and Tessa laughed.
“When I came back here after Jazz and the award ceremony I felt as if I lived in the car. I
was going to work, going home, trying to get information, things like that. Then Jazz returned and it was home, work, the hospital, home, hospital again. I cannot tell you how annoying that was, but trust me, once your life settles down too, you’ll find a routine. After all, at some point you won’t have to go around and talk to everyone and their mother in person anymore.”
She winked and Evy nodded.
“So, you and Jazz?”
“You heard me.”
That Evy had done. “He loves you so much, he’s worried about touching you?”
Tessa’s brow furrowed. “Not at all. When he’s awake his in full control of himself, but during the night… I considered calling Will and asking if whatever they were doing is necessary, but I didn’t. I’m hoping for Jazz to just come to me and tell me.”
“What did Ryan say?”
Evy wondered if the doctor and her best friend still met up. She’d taking a liking to the guy, like someone who’d take in a lost puppy.
“He says it’s normal, and that there might be a lot of relapses on the way. However, he promised to talk to Jazz again. Maybe he has, which is probably why Jazz is so secretive.”
There was something in Tessa’s voice that made Evy doubt that. “Or…?” she prompted.
“Or it was the fact that two nights ago I broke down crying, telling him I missed waking up next to him, missed being surrounded by his warmth. He held me forever, and promised me he loved me more than ever before, but I just couldn’t calm down anymore. Tank came by that night, and I don’t even know why, but he saw me and… I don’t know. He requested a guys’ night, so we decided to do ladies’ night as well. He didn’t tell you?”
Yes, Tank had mentioned going out with Jazz, but Evy had been preoccupied.
In fact, she was most of the time now and knew it was taking a toll on pretty much everything, but with the charity gala drawing nearer, everything else just faded into the background.
“He did. He didn’t mention though why. I mean, I didn’t think they needed a reason, so I didn’t ask.”
Tessa smiled, resting her head back. Now that Evy knew something was going on, she had to admit she saw the exhaustion on Tessa’s face.
