I just snickered while I nudged his shoulder with my arm and shook my head. “It’s all right. I get it. I really do.”
He caught my eye and beamed proudly.“You’re beautiful.”
The stark sense of ease with which he spoke the words caused me to stop short. I stared back at him for a long while before I answered, “Thank you.”
However, with that, we heard the telltale signs of the large school bus screeching to a halt and so we did our best to take off running to catch it.
Later on that day during lunch, I got my opportunity to speak to Shawn. He was eating lunch with his friends, but normally, he didn’t mind me stepping in.
After all, before I was his stepsister, I was his best friend and everyone at the table knew that.
Still, recently, I had shied away, thinking that he didn’t want me there. But after the weekend we had shared, I thought that I might try to break the ice, while we were both in our right minds, devoid of any laughing gas and fully aware of what was going on.
“Hey!” One of Shawn’s friends,, who we both believe had a crush on me since the first day he met me exclaimed as I walked up to the table. “I thought you were never going to come back.
Quickly, he slid over in order to allow me a spot to sit down.
I did so carefully and spread a smile around the table. “Hi guys!”
Shawn usually sat with two girls, as well as his group of guy friends, but either they weren’t there today, or Shawn’s crazy girlfriend had mandated that he not be seen with any other females, other than herself. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I tried to catch Shawn’s eye, but he ignored me completely. In fact, he made it a point to turn and engage his friend in a conversation that I was immediately ejected from, since I had no knowledge of the game that they were talking about.
I couldn’t help but wince, knowing that he was trying to avoid me. Yet, I stayed at the table, spoke to the friends that remained, and tried my best to figure out what was bothering him so much.
Before this, I had known that we had grown apart, but this seemed different. This seemed like he was obviously trying to avoid me and that, I really wanted to get to the bottom of.
Chapter Six
Shawn
Well, lunch was awkward.
I remembered what I had said to Valerie during our time in la-la land together and it wasn’t as though I didn’t actually feel that way now. But I was just so angry, more at the situation than at her, but that still didn’t mean that I wanted to have a heart to heart and talk about my problems. Really, all I wanted to do was get through the rest of the day and go home, to my mother’s house and just enjoy the silence.
At least there no one was hassling me and demanding things from me that I didn’t want to give. Granted, no one was there, but there still wasn’t anyone who would be able to bother me, which I liked.
However, I would not be able to get there ultimately without a fight. I tried my best though, leaving the first chance I got, when it wouldn’t look completely out of place. I shifted out of my chair and made my way out to the picnic tables, which were located outside. It was still fairly chilly, but I was happy to be away from the tension that was building at that table.
Yet, almost as soon as I was settled, waiting for the time to run out on lunch so I make my way to study hall where Valerie couldn’t find me, I heard the door open and a familiar voice behind me.
“Can we talk?” Valerie asked, fairly heated.
“Do we really have to?” I squinted my eyes at her as I looked up against the blustery glare.
“Yes!” She sat down across from me on the bench. She was glowering at me, but I wasn’t sure why she was so upset. I was the one who had an ax to grind, not her. “What is it with you?” She demanded after a pause.
“What do you mean?” I asked heatedly, matching her tone and expression.
“You just ignored me. Why?”
“Because I normally ignore you.” I replied, this time with a little bit more venom to my voice than I had meant to inject, but that also didn’t stop me. “Or have you been too busy having a perfect life to notice…or even care.”
I was surprised that my harsh words didn’t seem to resonate as bitterly as I had thought they would. Instead, she looked as though she felt sorry for me. Her hand immediately came out and clasped against my own. “I’m sorry you feel that way, Shawn, but I don’t know what I did.” She stared at me once again with a strange look on her face. She didn’t seem angry, as I would have guessed she would be, and that bothered me.
In an odd way, I wanted her to feel the same kind of anger that coursed through me on a daily basis, but instead, I was receiving compassion. “Just leave me alone!” I growled. “Don’t you get that I just don’t want to have anything to do with you?”
At this, Valerie’s head craned back and her eyes narrowed; but she was more confused than angry. “Why, Shawn? What did I do that was so bad that you can’t even talk to me about it?”
“What gave you the impression that I even wanted to talk? You seemed to be okay with our relationship, or lack of, going on like this for a long time now. You haven’t sat at my table in months.”
“Because I didn’t feel wanted,” she insisted and I was sure that I was ruffling her feathers a little bit.
“That’s because you weren’t,” I spat, laying it on thick, even though I knew I would feel terrible about it when it was all over.
She gasped and took back her hand. However, she didn’t speak at first. Valerie seemed to stop what she was doing and contemplate what I had just said to her. Once she found the words that she wanted to use, I supposed, she tried again. “I’m sorry. I thought that after the other day, after the past weekend, maybe there was an opportunity to get back what we so obviously lost.” She bit her lip nervously before she added, “This weekend made me realize how much I missed you and it put into perspective exactly how far we had grown apart. It made me realize exactly what we had and what I wanted to get back.” She stopped, sighed and laced her fingers together thoughtfully. “I guess that just isn’t possible, but I wanted to try…” After another pause, she added, “Although, I do want to know what it is that destroyed us, the friendship that we used to have…everything that used to come so naturally to the both of us. The friendship that we both said would never fade.”
She stared at me now with a sense of righteousness.
I thought for a moment, feeling warm under the keen piercing of her eyes. I knew that I did owe her an explanation, if she ever asked. I had always known that she deserved that. In fact, she deserved better, but better was something that I was not able to provide. So, I settled for just the clarification, at least what I was able to provide, how I understood it, knowing full-well that she wasn’t going to like it.
“It’s really not you,” I said carefully, trying my best to calm the anger and the hurt that I was feeling in order to accurately explain everything to her.
“Okay,” she nodded and continued her glower as she pressed for more.
“It’s…my father,” I answered, but didn’t say anymore for the moment. It was fairly strange to me, but having to provide an explanation to her was very complicated and aggravating. I wondered how I could feel something so strongly that it was almost painful, but be completely unable to accurately express to anyone, even the one person, who after all these years, still knew me best.
“I understand you have some unresolved issues with your father,” Valerie answered slowly, after she waited a good amount of time for me to eliminate the obscurity of my position. “But what I don’t understand is what those issues have to do with me.”
I took a long breath and released it easily, before I finally blurted, “It’s how he treats you.”
She narrowed her eyes. “He treats me well…”
“Yes, but you are like daddy’s little girl and you’re not even his little girl.” I couldn’t hide the disdain in my voice now.
“I am
very thankful for your father. He is the only father figure I have ever known. But to be fair, my mother is also the only responsible, motherly figure that you have ever had consistently in your life, so I don’t think that either of us should be hurt.”
“It’s not about your mother!” I yelled, but calmed eventually, not wanting the whole school to hear us. “It isn’t about my mother, or even your father. This is about my father and the way he treats you, as opposed to the way that he treats me. I’m his actual son, after all, but I don’t get anything but a hard time from the man, while all you get is praise.” As I spoke, I slammed my hand down on the table but quickly realized how loud I was becoming, once again. I made a conscious effort to stop, since I had made my point.
At this Valerie stood up and yelled right back at me, “I’m sorry you feel that way and to be perfectly honest, I don’t disagree, but I still don’t understand why this is my fault? I didn’t ask for this. I’m thankful for the way your father has taken me in as his own and I appreciate it, but I certainly never wanted him to ruin his relationship with you over it!”
“Valerie,” I spoke sternly, before I took in a long, calming breath. Releasing it, I said to her, “I’m sorry. You’re right. It has nothing to do with you, but after he seemed to treat me so disproportionately for so many years, I couldn’t help but become jealous of you.” I had regretted the words the second I spoke them and I knew that she was not going to let me live them down; not after everything else I had said.
Now, instead of looking angry, the main emotion that she had swirling around inside of her body was definitely hurt. She stood there, straight as a statue for a long while before she answered, “Jealousy? Is that really what this is all about? You’re jealous of me…because of the way your father chooses to treat me?”
“Valerie…” I said as I stood up and tried to reach out for her, but she casually pulled her hand back from me.
“No.” She stepped away. “I understand now. As much as I hate to say it, you make perfect sense. It all makes perfect sense. You can’t hurt your father, so you are trying to hurt me.” She narrowed her eyes and spoke with a teeming sense of disgust. “You destroyed our friendship, on purpose, because you were jealous over something I had no control over?”
“Valerie…I’m sorry…” I answered, moving toward her again, only to be rebuffed once more.
“No,” she hissed as she recoiled, “you’re not. If you were, you would have nothing to apologize for. Our friendship was obviously a matter of convenience to you.” She shook her head. “And therefore, it never meant anything to you at all.” When she said this, I watched as hot tears rolled down her cheeks. This bothered me greatly, but as she turned and ran away from me, just as the bell rang, I realized there was nothing I could do.
I had defiantly burnt that bridge with her and although I felt terrible for doing so, I had no other choice but to let her go.
When I walked in my mother’s house later on that day, even though I didn’t feel much better, I immediately breathed a sigh of relief.
At the very least, especially with the day that I had with my stepsister, it was good to know that I was alone; truly and honestly alone. That was a fairly new concept for me and I liked every solitary second of it.
Even though I never had a problem living in my father’s house, except the recent and fairly obvious problem I had with my father, there was always someone there. There never was any true privacy, because I never knew when someone was going to come in or out. And that caused an underlying sense of anxiety, especially when one person in particular always seemed to be trying to catch me doing something wrong.
At my mother’s house, there wasn’t anyone there, but more importantly there wasn’t anyone trying to catch me doing anything wrong. If my mother was there, she was usually looking for her first excuse to leave.
I knew that probably should bother me, but it didn’t. I just grabbed a soda and made my way into the living room, before plopping myself on the couch.
However, I wasn’t settled more than five minutes before there was a knock on the door.
Chapter Seven
Valerie
I was so devastated. After school, I ran home and collapsed on my bed. I couldn’t believe what had happened. I was completely dumbfounded. There was absolutely nothing that I could do.
I had tried to reach out to him and have a nice conversation with him, but he turned it into some awful experience. I kept replaying the conversation in my head and I just couldn’t believe what kept bouncing back at me every time he opened his mouth. Even though I knew every word of what he said, I just couldn’t comprehend what he was saying.
“You know, just the fact that he knows it isn’t my fault is bad enough!” I sounded off to Zachary after school, “How could he say that to me? We are supposed to be best friends!” I shrugged my shoulders and narrowed my eyes as I added, “All I really feel like we are now are mortal enemies.” When I turned back to him, I couldn’t hide the tears that were welling up in my eyes. “I just don’t understand.”
Zachary looked upon me with pity. I knew that he had no idea what to say, or he probably would have already said it. I knew he wasn’t great at comforting me; not like the Shawn I grew up with was. He could tell exactly how I felt and then turn it around so that everything seemed brighter in a matter of seconds. Zachary was just awkward, but at least he tried…and so I supposed that was what was important.
Zachary put his arm around me. He shrugged and answered, “I don’t know why Shawn feels that way…”
“I mean, I do get it. My stepfather is pretty unfair to him,” I stared at Zachary, seeking an honest answer that I wasn’t sure he could give. “I just don’t know why that’s my fault!”
I hissed a sigh and shook my head. “I just want to be able to enjoy…having a friend, you know? If he wants to be mad at Paul, then he has every right to be mad at Paul, but it’s not like I did anything to make him be that way towards Shawn.” I shrugged. “That’s just his parenting style, I guess. It is what it is.”
He nodded. “I mean, I understand Shawn being angry, but why he had to go and say those awful things to you, when you were only trying to help is something that I just can’t get a grip on.”
“I know!” I seconded in an aggravated fashion. I sighed and wiped my eyes, sniffling a bit, which caused Zachary to hug me tighter.
“I wish I had an answer for you,” he said carefully. “But I really don’t understand what is going through his head.”
“I mean, I have been in a similar situation with my mother. She has done stuff for Shawn a little differently than she did for me, but that doesn’t mean that I get angry at Shawn. I understand that it’s because he doesn’t have a mother figure, except for my mother, so sometimes she goes the extra mile to give him some motherly attention.”
“But she doesn’t do it all the time. You said she treats you both about the same,” Zachary said, as though asking for a clarification in the tone of his voice.
“Yes…and there is a consistent, almost deliberate way in which Paul treats me as opposed to how he treats Shawn…and I understand that,” I stressed. “But what I don’t understand is why Shawn is taking it out on me. I never asked for this!”
Zachary smiled in a sympathetic way. “Yeah…I know, but I just don’t have an answer for you. I’m sorry.”
Well, you’re no help, I thought angrily, but didn’t say it. Instead, I answered, “So, there’s like…no manly advice or anything that you can shed some light on for me.”
Zachary thought for a minute, as though contemplating whether or not he was going to say something. “I don’t know. To me, it sounds like he is being a little…girly about the whole thing.”
At first, I wanted to come to Shawn’s aid, but I just laughed. “I don’t think it’s that. I see how he is treated at home and while it isn’t bad, his father is hard on him…”
“Yeah, well, I wish I still had a father to be hard on me…To be anythin
g to me,” he hissed, narrowing his eyes. When I looked surprised, he continued. “I’m sorry, but Shawn has both of his parents. Even though he doesn’t have a relationship with his mother and I know that she hurts him more than she actually does much else, she is still there. If he wanted to, he could go visit her, hug her.” He threw his hands up. “Go live with her, but he acts as though the whole world is against him.”
I narrowed my eyes and shook my head. Even though I didn’t understand where Shawn was coming from, I didn’t like what Zachary was saying very much either. “Yeah, well lately, Shawn hasn’t been the only one to act that way.”
Zachary stopped and pulled his head back, as though intensely confused about what I was saying to him. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I asked you for a listening ear and you turn it around to make him out to be a bad guy because he has both of his parents. Well, you know what, if I had his mother as my father, with all of the genuine hurt and disappointment that she has shown him, in place of love, I would rather have my reality. At least I can look at my father’s pictures and see that he loved me with all of his heart.” I shook my head and hissed, “Shawn doesn’t have that. His father is good, but although his mother might be living, she wants nothing to do with him.”
Wounded, Zachary backed up and glowered at me. “Yeah, well, I was under the impression that you wanted my opinion. I didn’t give it at first, but you pressed me for it. You wanted a man’s opinion. You might not like it, but here it is. Shawn needs to stop blaming the world for his problems and man up!” At this, Zachary raised his voice. “It aggravates me that he is blaming you, of all people, for something that really isn’t your fault and I think that he is just trying to find someone to shift the blame toward, because his mother doesn’t care about him and his father doesn’t seem to think much of him either. You and your mother seem to be his only true family and he is outing one of you for something that it is out of your control, so it makes me angry. I’m sorry that I revert back to that, but honestly, that is a big chunk out of my life and so that is what I equate him to.”
Dirty Stepbrother - A Firefighter Romance (The Maxwell Family) Page 71
