by M Helbig
“Honey—and bourbon—I’m hooome!” Her smile threatened to split her face as she stared toward the bottles of liquor behind the bar. The dwarf between her and her target was not smiling.
“Oy! What’s the meanin’ of this?” the gray-bearded dwarf asked. As my eyes finally adjusted to the dim lighting, I recognized him as Lagereyes’s new husband and the new mayor, Tinkerbeard.
“There’s a giant undead monster rampaging in front of your town and you are not helping while hiding inside a fine establishment of the alcohol-serving variety,” Alizia said.
Tinkerbeard’s eyes widened as he finally took us in. “What took—I mean, what’re ye four doing back here? We banished yas, remember?”
I stuck my hand over Alizia’s mouth before she inevitably made things worse and was about to try and smooth over the situation when a loud cry came from behind the bar. Olaf appeared on top of the counter a second later.
“Lagereyes is back here, but something appears wrong,” Olaf said.
“Aye, I’ve been tryin’ to coax her out to help fight off Gerinashu out there,” Tinkerbeard said. “Ye see, when ye left, she immediately went to the town’s vault where we be keepin’ that key ye want so much. Wanted to destroy it as a last f-you for killin’ ole Leadbeard. But when she was down in the vault, she came across some old thing with an inscription on it—”
“Ohh! And then she found the town’s insurance policy, saw that it doesn’t cover giant skeleton monsters, and has been catatonic ever since.” Alizia raised her hand in triumph and let Tinkerbeard go. He promptly kicked her in the shin and she toppled over a barstool.
I sighed. “She said ‘inscription,’ Alizia, not ‘insurance.’”
“Inscription!” Lagereyes wailed.
Alizia kicked the rebellious barstool over and stood. “Oh, well, then continue, good dwarf.”
“There be a lot of old junk down in that vault, and while she was sortin’ through it, she came across some words on the side of a sealed metal pot. She thought they were either partially worn off or in Old Dwarvish. Old Dwarvish be fairly similar to what we be speakin’ now. If ye be sayin’ it out loud, ye can usually figure out what it be meanin’ in the modern tongue, which’s what she did.”
“But what she said out loud was not Old Dwarvish; it was an incantation,” Olaf said. “Which freed Gerinashu from that pot where he was contained.”
“Aye,” Tinkerbeard said.
I eyed the weapons at his sides. “If she set him free, then why’re you here and not helping defend the town?”
“Gerinashu kills alllllllll!” Lagereyes wailed.
Tinkerbeard stared sadly at the floor. “Ever since she set Gerinashu free, she’s been inconsolable. Been tryin’ to get her to join me, but nothin’ be working. Suppose she should be safe here anyway, and I should be goin’ to join in with you brave folks.”
“We were hoping to lead the two of you to safety,” I said.
Alizia reached behind the bar. “And several of your most expensive bottles.” Lagereyes screeched and Alizia jumped back to the other side of the bar. “Several of your least expensive bottles?”
“That not be a good idea, lass,” Tinkerbeard said.
Lagereyes leapt on top of the bar and threw bottles at us. Alizia tried to catch one, but the one after hit her in the head. Even though she was staggered, she still tried for the third one. After she spectacularly failed again, Olaf was barely able to slide her unconscious body behind the overturned table we were using as shelter. Tinkerbeard rolled the table and we scooted behind it to make our way to the door. The barrage continued even after we closed it behind us.
After Alizia came to and we explained to her what happened, she went back in. Lagereyes’s aim was just as good, and it took us another five minutes to slide her unconscious body back to the entrance of the town.
As Tinkerbeard pulled things from his belt and stared at Gerinashu, it was clear he didn’t want to head for safety and that he wasn’t going to offer us quests to raise faction somewhere far away. If we wanted his help, we’d have to stay with him, and if we stayed with him, we’d have to help him defeat a monster—a giant monster who also happened to be a raid boss and twenty levels above us. Tinkerbeard was going to need a much bigger rifle.
Death, Action, and One-Liners
This time, when Alizia opened her eyes, Tinkerbeard handed her a bottle from his pack. With her busy, he arrayed four different steampunk-style guns on the ground—the only difference between them being the different color of wires on the barrel. He hoisted them up in turn and pointed the gun toward the fight outside the gate before setting it down and trying another.
As he pointed the red one toward the head of a stone centurion for the third time, he finally spoke. “Nice o’ Ulinnia to show up. Gerinashu seems really happy to see her.”
“We found her with the constructs,” I said. “Lagereyes wasn’t the only one who freed an ancient powerful being.”
Tinkerbeard lowered the rifle and looked at me. “Impressive. How precisely did ye manage to do that?”
Olaf summoned the Hammer of the Master Sculptor and held it out. Faster than even Yary could move, Tinkerbeard was on his knees, making reverent gestures and completely failing to form words. Alizia used the opportunity to steal the canteen off his side. The grin on her face after she put it to her lips suggested it was more alcohol.
“We found this and used it to free her,” Olaf said. “I had to spend a point to pick up the Artist skill to equip it, but it was worth it.”
A huge explosion pulled me back to the area in front of the gate. The dust settled near Gerinashu’s feet to reveal his skeletal jaw. Inspect showed him missing 15% of his Hit Points. Ulinnia growled and slugged him again, but this time he blocked it and countered by firing a blast into the melee. Eight constructs evaporated and Gerinashu’s jaw reappeared, attached to his face. Inspect said his Hit Points were back to full.
“That must’ve been Gerinashu’s Sacrifice Follower ability,” I said.
Tinkerbeard stood and rubbed a tear from his eye. “Aye. It be why he surround himself with them things. Main reason he’s so awe-inspirin’ and just about undefeatable.”
“So if we’re going to beat him, we need a way to counter that,” I said.
“That’s easy,” Yary said. “We just need to punch him.”
“If we could kill all the constructs first, then he will not have anything to absorb,” Olaf said.
Ulinnia’s face showed defeat as she half-heartedly renewed her assault. The cracks along every inch of her body and thin Hit Point bar agreed with her expression.
“I don’t think Ulinnia’s going to survive long enough to keep the big guy busy,” I said. “Even if we somehow manage to finish off the constructs, we’re going to find ourselves facing a raid boss that’s twenty levels above us.”
Tinkerbeard eyed the hammer again. “Oy! I be havin’ an idea. May I?”
Olaf looked to me, and I gave my consent. “What are you thinking?” I asked.
Tinkerbeard held the small hammer up, and it gleamed to reflect the little sunlight now showing through the thick clouds above. “You focus on the constructs, and I’ll be worryin’ about Ulinnia.”
Before I could even open my mouth, he spun around and sprinted into the middle of the melee. As soon as I took a step to chase after him, a loud explosion rocked us from our feet. I thought the blast from Gerinashu had landed directly on top of the manically cackling dwarf, but when the dust settled he was still there, miraculously unharmed and still running. As Ulinnia’s foot entered the picture in front of him, I thought I knew what he planned.
“Did anyone remember to take out an insurance policy on that Mythical item before Olaf handed it over to the shifty dwarf we barely know?” Alizia asked.
“I tried,” Olaf said. “But when I mentioned your name, they tore up the contract.”
“You should have used my alias, Allie Allie Armpit-Hair.’” She shook her head as Tink
erbeard continued his manic run. “Where do you think he’s going? Vegas?”
“Nope,” I said. “He’s going to use the hammer to heal Ulinnia and even the odds.”
I smirked as Tinkerbeard continued running up the giant stone foot a minute later. He let out his biggest cackle yet as he began hammering away on her ankle. When the golden glow from the hammer faded, the first of the cracks in Ulinnia disappeared. Inspect showed her Hit Points ticking up as well.
“So then we just wait here and let ol’ Ulinnia do all the hard work of whittling ye olde giant skeleton down. Then when she’s done, we saunter over, collect the loot, and Tinkerbeard gives us the key so we can skedaddle to the next stupid hard part of this journey to talk to the crazy guy.” Alizia lay down and stretched her legs.
Ulinnia and Gerinashu traded another set of titanic blows. Three rib bones flew out of Gerinashu’s robe, crushing an unfortunate dwarf who was making a run for it. Ulinnia’s left knee buckled shortly after. Gerinashu made the first move, blasting an area in front of the gate. As the constructs disintegrated, I could see the rib bone regrow through the hole in his cloak before the hole sewed itself shut. The unfortunate dwarf was not so lucky, his corpse remaining in the spot as the only reminder of the previously fallen ribs. Tinkerbeard climbed up Ulinnia’s leg and hammered the damaged knee. She rose to meet her former mate a minute later. After a few more rounds, it was clear Ulinnia was getting the worse of the exchanges.
Yary hopped up and down excitedly. “Do I get to punch stuff Gandhi-style now?”
“Yes, minus the Gandhi part,” I said.
“And do I get to just lie here and offer unhelpful but hilarious color commentary?” Alizia asked.
I summoned the Helmet of Fred and held it out. “Nope.”
Alizia gasped as she took in the misshapen, bowl-like helmet. “Fine, I’ll go as long as you get that thing out of my sight.”
I walked toward her. “Glad to see we’re on the same page.”
She slid herself backward on the ground. “Then why haven’t you put that thing away?”
My grin grew wider. “You said you didn’t want to see it anymore, and since I’m not going to put it away, there’s only one way for you to not be able to see it.”
Alizia stared at the helmet in horror. If her skin hadn’t already been green, I imagined it would have changed. “No, no, no, no. I am not doing that to my hair. Or my self-esteem. Or to fashion. Have Yary put it on.”
Yary bit her lip. “If it will help the group, sure.”
I scanned Yary again. “You don’t have the Shout skill. It’s kind of a requirement to be a tank.”
“Oh, yeah,” Yary said. “Georgius said I shouldn’t waste my points on it since I’m going healer.”
“Sorry, it’s all up to you, Alizia,” I said as I moved closer. “You’re our tank, and this’ll make you invincible. Think of the stories we’ll be able to tell. ‘Alizia the Indestructible.’ She faced down more than fifty blood-thirsty and unfashionable constructs, yet she survived like the great hero of legend she is.’”
“Not just stories. Songs. Great ballads of your heroism will be sung for ages.” Olaf grabbed Alizia’s hand and guided her toward me.
“Ohhhh, stories and songs!” Alizia said. “Those’re my second- and third-favorite things! But what about my hair? I’m not going to have people telling stories about my hair or this ugly helmet for untold generations.”
“Have you ever heard of a hero in an epic ballad having bad hair or weird helmets?” Olaf asked. “Of course not. In ballads, the heroes are always perfect. Immaculately decorated helmets without a single stray hair or split end underneath. No pimples, dirt, or ugly faces to be found except on the villains.”
Alizia had to turn her head, but with quivering hands she grabbed a hold of the helmet. “If one of you records this, I’m never going to speak to you again.”
“You have our word,” I said.
When Olaf and Yary gave their consent, Alizia slid the helmet on. “The only things I can see are this group’s status bars. How am I supposed to target anything to Shout at it?”
“You will have to let us be your eyes,” Olaf said. “Do you trust me?”
“No. You’ll probably point me at them and make me moon them but in a different, wrong way than I would have done myself if I could see. I trust Horus, though. So, how’s this work?”
“I’ll hit one with an arrow, and then when it comes toward us, you Shout at it,” I said. “Say something like ‘Hey, construct charging the guy who just shot at you. I Shout at you,’ but in the better, hilarious way you do it. And if that doesn’t work, you can take the ugly hat off and bash the construct to death with it.”
Alizia gave the wall to my left a thumbs up. “If you could give a description of the ones you’re targeting, it’d be appreciated. I like to personalize my shouting so it makes them angrier, and because it’s like the only fun I get being a tank.”
“Got it. Incoming!” My arrow sailed just over the top of a pair of stone boots that Inspect indicated was a single entity. Fortunately, I still drew its attention.
“I Shout at you, unknown object my friend Horus is doing indeterminate stuff to, which I’m assuming is something you don’t like.” Alizia banged her scepter against her shield in the opposite direction.
“Sorry,” I said as I backpedaled to direct the construct toward her. “It’s a pair of boots, and I fired an arrow at it.”
Alizia mumbled something under her breath I was pretty sure I didn’t want to hear as Yary turned her to face the incoming construct. “Fine. I Shout at you, Mr. Boots that my friend just shot an arrow at. The foot that used to be in you abandoned you for a saucy pump, and you smell like musty foot fungus! PS to guy who shot arrow: Please tell me what kind of boots they are next time.”
Alizia lowered her shield, hoping the construct would run into it and give her an idea of its position, but it was already past her. It scampered through her legs, but right as it reached freedom, did an about face as the words “musty foot fungus” rang through the air. Its left toe connected with the soft spot on the side of her heel. Little chips flew off it as a white 8 rose, with only a red 1 on Alizia.
Yary leaned down and awkwardly punched it, while Olaf appeared next to her to land a brutal Sneak Attack/Vital Strike/Flanking Attack combo for 62! The construct did more damage to itself than the rest of the group combined by the time the fight was over, and even with Yary’s weak punches, Alizia found her HP bar full.
You have gained 550 (500 +50 Group Bonus) Experience Points! 78,161/150,000 to next level.
You have received +5 Faction with Town of Grimrag! Total: 230 Town of Grimrag (Friendly).
You have received -5 Faction with Followers of Gerinashu! Total: -5,015 Followers of Gerinashu (Loathed).
Alizia finally landed a blow when she vaporized the corpse, just as Olaf was about to loot it.
“Woo-hoo!” Alizia said. “Kill shot.”
Olaf spit out bits of stone and created a small smoke screen as he brushed the powdered remnants of our opponent out of his mustache. “The only thing you killed was my cleaning budget, which is going to be rather small as there is nothing left to loot.”
Alizia raised her arms higher in celebration. “Even better!”
“Why was it taking damage every time it hit you?” I asked.
Alizia scrunched up her brow. “Shoe envy? On account of my awesome booties?”
Yary giggled and gave Alizia a friendly punch. “Ow!” A red 3 floated from Yary.
Olaf experimentally tapped Alizia’s foot with his dagger. “What do you have in there? Steel?”
“Um, no. That’d hurt my dainty piggies,” Alizia said as she took off the helmet.
Olaf bit his tongue and experimentally rapped Alizia’s thigh. Unfortunately for Olaf, he struck a nerve and she reflexively kicked him in the side. I quickly tossed a Regrowth on her, which healed the 16 he’d done, though not the memory of his blow.
> “Jerk,” Alizia said as I held her back. “I get hit all day by mobs to protect your skinny patoot and then you go and start hitting me. Ungrateful is what you are. Ungrateful, I say, sir.”
Olaf scurried backward as Alizia’s long arm reached toward him. When she stopped struggling, he unexpectedly shot forward, deftly grabbed the helmet from her hand, and put it on. Like most items, it magically shrunk to fit his much smaller head. He barely got it on before her scepter connected with his gut. As her whole body reverberated from the strike, I readied another heal.
Olaf’s head tilted down to the point of the impact even though there were no eyeholes. “I felt only the breeze from her swing, nothing else. Perhaps I should keep this on and be our tank for once.”
Alizia somehow managed a smile as her body continued to vibrate. “Has anyone seen any cliffs around here? I mean obviously Laffy can’t, on account of how blind that makes him, but I want to try something. Don’t worry, Olaf, I’m not going to take advantage of your inability to see in any way. Bwa-ha-ha! Sorry, don’t pay any attention to that either.”
Olaf quickly tossed the helmet at her and activated Sneak.
As the re-helmeted Alizia neared the dusty spot of our first kill and awaited instructions, I suddenly remembered the situation we’d left. My heart stopped as I desperately searched for Ulinnia, but my worry had been for nothing. Her HP bar was barely lower. A few new cracks had appeared, though several of the cracks I remembered were no longer there. It seemed Tinkerbeard and the hammer were doing their job. Even better, Ulinnia was guiding Gerinashu away from the melee in front of the town, probably hoping to get him out of range of the constructs so he couldn’t keep absorbing them.
Alizia tapped her scepter on her shield. “If you don’t pull something soon, I’m gonna do it myself. So no complaints if I pull a tree, a wall, or Olaf’s long-lost hair.”
I caught the next construct a split second later. The knee went down just as easily as did the feet, and so did the forearm, pelvis, and chin after that. I almost yawned as my arrow struck the pair of elbows, and was unprepared when a bloody dwarven warrior came sprinting past us with a small pack of constructs in tow.
