Scarlett’s desire to seek a life elsewhere was the antithesis of Maggie’s dreams. How it must have puzzled and confused the woman to see such yearnings in her daughter, Ava thought.
Ava could see how the mother and daughter would have clashed, neither appreciating nor caring for the other’s way of life, their differences exacerbated by the blood bonds connecting them.
The nurse came in to check the monitor and to take Maggie’s blood pressure.
‘How is it?’ asked Ava.
‘A bit low but nothing we wouldn’t expect. She’s made of stern stuff so don’t be worrying. Doctor Napier expects she will pick up over the next couple of days. He just wants to keep a close eye on her and make sure she isn’t about to have another stroke.’
The nurse entered the information on the chart hanging at the bottom of the bed, squirted a dollop of antibacterial gel on her hands before she wheeled her blood pressure machine back out of the room.
‘There, did you hear that, Gran? The doctor expects you to feel better over the next couple of days. You just have to keep fighting. Don’t go giving up on me just yet, do you hear?’ Ava bit back the tears. She didn’t want to upset Maggie by crying and although she seemed to be out of it, she could perhaps sense that all wasn’t well with Ava. From when Ava was knee high, Maggie could read her moods and knew when to scoop her up for a big warm, floury smelling hug. Maggie hadn’t been one for sloppy kisses or cuddles but when needed she could dole out the best hugs and make everything better just by being there.
Ava couldn’t imagine how she would feel if Maggie didn’t make it back this time. Each stroke seemed to carry her further away, deeper into ineptitude and dependency. Their conversations were drying up. It was as if they hardly knew how to be with each other without illness and age between them.
Ava sat watching Maggie, happy to be in her company, but remembering other days when they could talk with ease about nothing of importance.
How they had squandered that carefree time.
32
‘I don’t get it,’ Finlay said as he stared out across the river, its slick, grey surface bubbling and moving with intensity. They had gone for a walk, a ramble really, across muddy fields and through flooded lanes. The rain had been relentless over the previous week but had let up at last, making Ava feel that she had to get out into the fresh air while she could. She wanted to talk to Finlay about how she felt, and to do so indoors would feel too incendiary. Space and openness would allow the words to flow without bouncing back to her making her feel uncomfortable and self-conscious. She knew she had changed, but not that much. She still struggled to deal with how she felt and she wanted to try to make Finlay understand.
‘I know I’m not making much sense but I feel as if I’ve just woken up. It’s as if for the past God knows how many years, I’ve been in a fog of not feeling anything too deeply. I’m not saying I didn’t love you, even then, when we were together, but it was just that I never let myself really experience it.’
‘So, what’s changed?’ He turned to look at Ava, making her feel uncomfortable under his steady gaze.
‘I’ve changed,’ she said simply. ‘Finding Scarlett, understanding why and even how she left me, has altered me. I know I probably sound as flaky as she is, but it’s as if in finding her I’ve found myself.’ How could she explain that her world had tilted like the sinking Titanic, and only with him could it rectify itself? She needed him to find her footing and although she knew that she would have to tread carefully, she wasn’t about to walk away.
She hesitated, trying to find the right words to express the turmoil she had experienced which had given rise to this blissful sense of ease, of being herself. She was no longer acting out the role of being the good girl, frightened of living for fear of making mistakes in life. It was as if her whole life had been spent making up for Scarlett. Maggie had been her linchpin and her shackle. Without meaning to, she had created a sense of guilt and responsibility in Ava which she didn’t deserve to carry. The sins of her mother had been visited upon her downy head from the moment Maggie had agreed to take her in. While she knew Maggie would never have intended to make Ava carry this burden, she also knew that she could at last shake it off. Scarlett’s reappearance in her life had redressed a balance she had been lacking. It was as if in learning about her mother, her choices and her reasons, she was becoming more like the Ruby that Scarlett intended her to be and less like the Ava Maggie had invented.
He loved her once, right? So, he could love her again, only this time she would love him back, harder and faster than ever before.
His face was darkened with a shadow of unshaved stubble, his eyes stony and cold. She realised he was angry and she knew she couldn’t blame him. He had processed the end of their relationship and had tied up all the pieces in his head before moving past all of this.
Ava was creating problems he didn’t want or need to revisit or to resolve. At that moment, she feared she had lost him completely. He was already gone from her, never to return and the sadness of it felt like a cold stone of hurt buried within her very being.
‘I know we have both moved on, but I just want you to understand. If you know how I feel then you can make your choice, but don’t write me off because of how it was before.’ She stopped her heart thumping to the rhythm of It’s over. You have no chance.
At least it was out there, the words hanging on the breeze. She had said her bit. It was up to him now. She looked out towards the river tumbling, flowing fast with the new swell of the previous week’s rainfall having inflated its width. The riverbanks were strained under the pressure to contain the water’s urgency. If he wanted her, she was there for the taking. Maybe their relationship had run its course, and final and complete separation was long overdue, but she felt that there was so much more for them to explore in each other.
And then she was angry. Angry with him for letting her go so easily. If he had loved her truly then surely, he would have made it work? He would have fought to keep her instead of letting her blow away like a dandelion seed.
She turned away from the river and looked directly at Finlay. Something about him, the way he looked at her made her want to hit him hard. Was he laughing at her? She couldn’t help it, she reached out and pushed him, wanting to make him angry, make him fight her and for their future together. He barely stumbled back, like her shove was so ineffectually to his brawny bulk, his white trainers making a squishy sound in the mud.
‘What was that for?’ he asked, righting his footing.
‘Just coz you never tried to make me love you. You were happy to just let me walk away.’ She knew she sounded unreasonable but she couldn’t help it. Suddenly she felt like he had to care enough to make her love him back. Then, without warning, the ground shifted, a mudslide beneath Finlay’s feet caused him to lose his balance and fall backwards down the riverbank. He grasped at the sodden grassy bank and Ava watched helplessly as he slid as if in slow motion into the river.
He stood up, dirty water dripping from his North Face jacket, his white shirt a dull sludgy brown and his face thunderous.
Ava couldn’t help it. She laughed so hard she was bent double and took a cautionary step backwards in case the ground beneath her feet followed into the river too.
‘I’m sorry to laugh,’ she squeaked between gulps of laughter, ‘but that is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.’ Tears careered down her face and she clutched at her sides.
She reached out to help him out of the cold, dank water.
He squelched his way up the riverbank, careful not to slide backwards.
I’ve blown it, she thought. He looked down at his jeans, soaking wet and brown with mud, his trainers destroyed and the bottom of his jacket dripping.
Before her thoughts could frighten her into taking back everything she had said, Finlay turned to her and taking her face in his hands, his cold, wet, dirty hands, he placed his soft, oh-so-soft, lips on hers, silencing the doubts and questions rushing
through her head.
She broke away, wanting to look directly into his familiar eyes to see if he meant the kiss. She needed to know — was this for real and for good?
33
Ava and Niamh were catching up over lunch. It had been a couple of weeks since the funeral and Ava was determined to make sure Niamh was doing okay. The waiter approached with his notepad poised to take their order.
‘Mmm, I’ll have the beetroot-cured salmon, horseradish and chive crème fraiche with a side order of wedges please,’ said Niamh closing the menu and giving the attractive waiter one of her most dazzling smiles. In spite of being heartbroken with grief, she was still open to offers.
‘And can I have the penne pasta, roasted butternut squash and tomatoes. Thanks.’
‘No problem and can I get you two beautiful girls anything to drink?’ he asked, returning the come-hither look Niamh was throwing him.
‘I’ll have a Coke please,’ said Ava.
‘And a sparkling water for me, thanks,’ Niamh said casting her eyes down to look demure and bashful.
When he had gone, Ava rolled her eyes. ‘You don’t believe in taking breaks between lovers, do you?’
‘Honey, life is too short. Besides it’s a physical need with me. I’m not like you.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ asked Ava, feeling stung.
‘Just that you’re happy with yourself for company in bed. I, on the other hand, need a bit of a flesh fest going on between the sheets. I need a man to do the things a vibrator can’t.’
‘You don’t know everything about me, Niamh Lenaghan,’ Ava said, trying to look as if she was the keeper of secrets that Niamh knew nothing about.
‘Such as? You can’t hold out on me when I’ve told you all about my goings on.’
‘For your information, Finlay and I might just be getting back together,’ Ava said with a smug grin.
‘Whoa, when did this happen?’ Niamh asked wide-eyed with surprise.
‘A couple of weeks ago. We talked, we held hands, we kissed. I’m hoping we can start over, take things slowly, and see how it goes.’
‘So, what happened to his whole breaking-up speech about you not wanting him enough, and not being fully committed to him?’
‘He can see things have changed. I don’t want to hold back any more. I want him and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep him,’ Ava said in a matter-of-fact tone.
Niamh gasped in mock horror. ‘I don’t believe it. Ava Connors is talking like a real hot-blooded woman.’
‘Better get used to it, coz I feel like I’ve a lot of catching up to do.’ Ava snapped a bread stick in two.
‘You need to stop talking about taking things slowly. If you want Finn back for good, you’re going to have to prove it to him. Talk is all well and dandy, Ava, but you’re going to have to prove to him you want him.’
Ava rolled her eyes. ‘Niamh, don’t be so melodramatic. Finn and I just need to reacquaint ourselves with each other and go on a few tentative dates.’
‘Ava, have you learnt nothing from me and Cal? Have you forgotten about Rose, and how Finlay has been shagging her for the past few months?’
Ava blanched at the thought of Finlay with Rose. Did Niamh have to be so graphic? ‘Maybe you’re right.’
‘Honey, you know I am. Think about it – Finlay was with you for eight years. Now, no offence, but you have to agree you were no wild, hot thing in the bedroom department, so you can be sure that when he made comparisons Rose will have scored considerably higher than you my friend.’
Ava suddenly felt sick at the thought of Finlay comparing her body, and her ways of loving him, with Rose. Oh God, what if he was unsatisfied with Ava now that he had shopped around?
‘Face it, Ava, if you want Finlay back, you have to show him, not tell him. I think you’re going to need to rethink your taking it slowly strategy.’
34
‘What’s going on?’ Ava asked as Robert opened the door to let her in. ‘I had a text from Hazel saying the christening is off. Is Evie not well?’
‘No, Evie’s fine, sleeping in the nursery at the minute. It’s yer woman up there,’ he said in exasperation, as he indicated to the bedroom above. ‘You better go and have a word with her, see if you can talk some sense into her.’
Ava climbed the staircase and knocked on Hazel’s bedroom door. ‘Hazel, it’s only me, Ava. Can I come in?’
‘No, leave me alone.’
‘What’s going on? You have Evie’s christening to get ready for. The guests will be making their way to the church, and we have all that food prepared down in the kitchen.’ Ava gently opened the door and peeped in. The curtains were drawn, but she could see Hazel lying in bed, sobbing softly.
Ava ventured in and sat tentatively on the edge of the bed. ‘Hazel come on tell me what’s wrong?’
‘It’s nothing to do with Evie,’ she wailed.
‘What on earth is all this carry on over?’ asked Ava.
Hazel sat up, her hair partially twisted around big rollers, the rest of it lying lank and wet around her shoulders. She blew her nose loudly into a tissue. ‘I was at the hairdresser’s, getting myself ready for Evie’s big day. The hairdresser was this new girl, Nicole was her name. Full of chat she was. She asked me if I had a big night out planned, and I says to her, “No, I’m getting ready for a christening.” “Whose christening?” she asks and I say, all pleased with myself, my daughter’s.’ To which, Hazel gulped back a big chest-heaving sob. ‘She said, “Oh lovely. Did she have a boy or a girl?”’ Hazel wailed. ‘I got up off the chair, with my hair half done, and walked right out. I was scundered. My face tripping me as I walked up the road, with my hair like something the cat dragged through a hedge backwards. The looks I got, I can tell ye, but there was no way I was sitting in that chair to be insulted and expected to pay for the privilege. She thought I was a granny!’
‘Oh, sweetheart. She was some stupid wee girl, who didn’t have a clue. She couldn’t have looked at you right. It’s obvious to anyone you don’t look like a granny.’ Ava wrapped her arms around Hazel. ‘Now come on pull yourself together.’
‘But what if this is the beginning of it? What if every time I’m in the park with her or standing at the school gates someone thinks I’m her granny. I can’t bear it,’ she said resuming her noisy sobbing, stopping for a second to blow her nose loudly.
‘Oh, come on now, Hazel, wise up. No one looking straight at you would think you’re Evie’s granny. You look fabulous… Maybe not at the minute, you’d scare the bejaysus out of anyone with the state of you now,’ she said trying to make her smile, ‘but normally, when you’re all done up, and you have your swishy clothes on and your expensive make-up, you look better than anyone I know.’
‘Really?’ Hazel asked in a small voice, as if desperate to be told she was fit to be presented to the world without being thought of as an old hag.
‘Yes, really. Now get out of that bed and wash your face. I’ll phone Niamh to come over and finish your hair and she can do your make-up and you’ll look fabulous. Then we will get Evie ready in that gorgeous silk christening gown you bought in Dublin and we will have a lovely day.’
Hazel nodded, still sniffing and feeling sorry for herself. ‘Thanks, Ava, you’re a good friend and I’m glad I asked you to be Evie’s godmother. But promise not to tell a soul. It wouldn’t do to have them all sniggering about me.’
‘Sure, my lips are sealed.’
‘And Ava?’
‘Yes, Hazel?’
‘Robert told me about you and our Ben. I really wouldn’t have minded too much about you going out with Ben. You’d have been better than that Mickey any day.’
‘He told then?’ Ava asked, her face suddenly flushing bright red.
‘Oh yes, sure, that big fool of mine couldn’t keep a secret from me if his life depended on it.’
Hazel reached over and gave Ava a hug before saying, ‘Come on, let’s get this show on the road, girl.’
Ava: Sorry, just busy. Maggie hasn’t been good and I’m trying to do some work to the house. Can’t wait for you to see it. Any sign of you taking a holiday and coming home for a while?
Joseph: Not likely. There’s always some major project on the go and the Americans don’t give much holiday leave. You know you can come here any time.
Ava: I know. One day. I promise.
Joseph: So, what else has been happening?
Ava: I’m a godmother now. Hazel asked me to stand for Evie. She’s gorgeous.
Joseph: Yeah saw the pics on Fake Bake. You looked lovely.
Ava: Aww shucks. Thought I’d better make an effort since we were going to the church and all. What time is it there?
Joseph: 3am.
Ava: Why are you not sleeping?
Joseph: I don’t know. Thinking about you.
Ava: Jaysus, that’ll give you nightmares.
Joseph: So I’ve discovered.
Ava: Go to sleep. I’m away to see Maggie. I’ll text you soon. Night night.
Joseph: Night, Squid.
35
Ava couldn’t imagine Hazel or Niamh putting up with the hardships of living with no central heating and a half-finished kitchen. The bathrooms were in a state and the furnishings were still… well, unfurnished. But Ava loved it.
Every morning she woke to the sound of birds twittering away in her garden. She loved opening her back door and stepping out to drink her first cup of coffee of the day, feeling the tender kiss of the early morning air on her face. It didn’t matter that the garden was still an overgrown mess, it was her mess and she adored it. The strong scent of the lavender border, almost but not quite overpowering, the more delicate trailing roses competing with the headier earthy smell of moss, all caressed Ava making her feel at ease.
A Posy of Promises_a heartwarming story about life and love Page 16
