I don't want to see that expression. Not from anyone, but most definitely not from Ed.
'Um, what? Nothing, I'm fine. Really. Just… think um… I'm going to go to the bathroom.' Somehow, I get these jumbled words out.
I can't be around people right now. Not people I know anyway. There is no choice to escape people altogether given I am trapped in an airport. But there is a choice to escape people I know so I will take it. I will take any kind of choice I can because I need to claw at some control.
I manage to get myself to the nearest facilities and thankfully they are relatively empty. I stand at the wash basin and wash my hands several times but it's not enough.
It never feels enough.
The fear is still prickling at my skin.
I so desperately want to have a shower. I so desperately want to wash my clothes. Those aren't options so my hands will pay the price.
I need to move away from the basin. I need to stop. I should stop. This is silly. I just can't seem to extricate myself from this repetition. It feels like some kind of magnet I'm attached to.
Ok. Time for some strong words. Fight back Amy.
I need to make a decision about what I do next. Once I know that I will be more able to move.
After some thought I conclude I have two options.
I can leave the bathroom, leave the airport altogether, and go home. Feign some fabricated illness that will almost certainly not be believed by anyone, but do I even care at this point. They already consider me a liar and canceller. They would not be gaining any new knowledge about me so maybe wouldn't even care all that much as I had just played into their expectance.
Or, option two. I could not give in to it. This one time, I could not let it win. I could not engage with it. Consider instead the fact that millions of other people have had a similar experience to me with being searched and they are not assigning it any cause for alarm. They are still going ahead with their travel. I should therefore be absolutely fine to get on the plane. Shouldn't I?
This isn't one of those times where the avoidance option is too easy to resist. I desperately want to go to Australia. I do not want to avoid.
Ok. Breathe.
'I am completely fine, I can do this'.
Breathe again.
'I am completely fine, I can do this'.
Repeating this several times over I glimpse sight of a little calm.
Try for option two Amy. You've got this far. Don't let this one uncomfortable experience ruin the whole trip. Keep reminding yourself of all those other travellers who are searched and they don't let it give them any grounds for reassessing their trip. Please try and stop being so ridiculous. You will be absolutely fine.
Breathe again.
I eventually manage to move away from the basin and move myself back into the airport. I've decided on option two for now, but I know the decision is precarious. Perhaps I need it to be. Knowing I always have an out provides some small feeling of control I guess.
I hope I can stay on track but there is never any guarantee even once decisions are made. Decisions are very easily unmade in my world.
Being back with the others might help. I will them to distract me. Distraction is likely my best and only route to the plane, so let's hope my friends comply.
As I start walking back in their direction, I see Ed standing waiting for me.
He looks at me and I can see the words he's about to say but thankfully he seems to sense he shouldn't say them aloud.
I smile at him. The best smile I can summon that will transmit to him my silent answer to his silent question. Yes, I'm ok. But I won't be if you ask me. So, don't. Absolutely no asking if I'm ok. Ok?
He somehow hears these words and smiles back at me. He says out loud, 'Thought maybe we could go for a wander? Probably good to get in as much walking as we can before all the hours of sitting.'
'Sure, good idea.'
Chapter 15
As we walk Ed tells me about his time living in Sydney.
'What was it like living there?' I ask him.
'Really great. It was never my original plan to live there, I'd been travelling round nearby countries and a couple of people I met were going to Sydney and persuaded me to join them. I only planned to stay for a few weeks but once I got to Sydney, I found it hard to want to leave. So, I looked into getting a work visa and stayed on.'
'Did you know anyone there?'
'Not one person. The people I'd travelled there with stuck to their plan of only staying a couple of weeks, but I met others pretty easily.'
'That doesn't surprise me, you make friends wherever you go.'
'True. I am very likeable, aren't I?' he smiles.
'You are yes.' I smile back.
'I got a flatshare with a few other people so that's always a good way to meet people. And I got really into water sports so met people that way. I knew it was up to me though, you sort of have to get into 'yes mode'.'
'Yes mode?'
'Saying yes to everything.'
'Ah.' A notion entirely forbidden in my world.
'Sounds a bit self-helpy I know, but it does work. I mean, not everything you say yes to will be great. For example, you may find yourself at some dodgy party with strange people dressed up in unidentifiable slightly alarming costumes… but for the most part you will likely end up having lots of fun experiences.'
I smile. 'Tempted as I am to ask, I think maybe I don't want to know about the costumes, so I'll just let that hang there.'
'Yeh, probably best.' He smiles.
'So, if you were having such a great time, how come you moved back?'
'I missed home, I guess. It's hard being so far away, not being able to just pop round to your parents' house if they need you. Missing out on loads of events like weddings and birthdays. Someone gets sick and you can't reach them for days. My brother had a kid when I was there, and I realised I didn't want to miss out on being an uncle. It all just started to get to me, so I came back.'
'Do you miss it?'
'All the time. Especially in the winter. I find myself going into hibernation mode here in the winter, but over there I was going surfing after work in the evenings and all sorts of other stuff. People are just so much more up for doing stuff when the weather is good.'
I wish the weather was the only thing ever causing me to enter hibernation mode.
'But you have to compromise wherever you live don't you.' He continues, 'So, if I have to put up with rubbish weather but get to be near my family then I will still be happy.'
'Good attitude.'
'Yep. Remind me of this conversation please when I am no doubt going to be repeating 'why the hell did I leave this place?' over and over once we get there.'
'Ok, noted.' I smile.
We eventually re-join the others and tune into Nathan recounting a familiar themed story about meeting a woman in an airport once who he was sure was definitely this time his soul mate.
'I spent two hours exchanging childhood histories whilst simultaneously planning my future with her in my head. Then she suddenly excitedly got up saying 'there they are!' whilst leaping into the arms of her husband and kids.'
He continues on, injecting the story with his usual humour.
Distraction is proving successful. Thank you friends.
Chapter 16
The plane eventually boards, and I am beyond grateful I have actually managed to make it on. One little win. Well done Amy.
The airport searching incident has added to the unsettling feeling that continually lurks in the back of my head. The feeling where you know something is wrong even when you are not specifically thinking about it. Despite this feeling being a pretty much constant in my existence, I'm not sure that equates to it being something you can eventually get used to. So, I have to just somehow accept its presence and live with it.
It will accompany me on this flight as it accompanies me through all my waking hours, but thankfully it didn't stop me boarding.
Long haul flights are somewhat surreal experiences at times. They can have strange effects on even the sanest of people. You are essentially trapped in a claustrophobic vehicle, unpredictable in its stability and offering very little in the way of personal space. You are trapped here for a period of time that will pass in a likely disproportionate speed to its actuality.
You will be told when you can sleep, when you can eat, when you must stay seated, when you can use the bathroom. You hand over a lot of control of your life when you board.
When it's the designated night-time and lights are turned off, everyone covered in blankets, it takes on a feeling of being in a mass (supremely uncomfortable, oddly shaped) bed. The only environment where you can wake up mere inches away from a stranger's sleeping face and it's socially acceptable to do so.
Thankfully on this flight I am not sleeping next to a stranger. I am sat next to Ed with Sally on the other side across the aisle. Knowing my neighbours eases one part of this environment for me at least.
It's hard though to get my brain away from the fact I'm trapped inside this thing with not a whole lot of personal space. Yes, I am aware I need more personal space than the average person, but I think most would gladly accept a little more on a plane if it were offered to them.
This is one environment where I don't have the option available to me to run. Instead I am left only with having to face everything that presents itself to me. This swings back and forth between being a good thing (of sorts) and being a bad thing.
It's a good thing because my brain seems to take on a temporary view of my body. Well, we can't do anything about this so just accept all we'd normally stop and protect you from and we'll store it all up for a major debriefing meltdown later when you're off this thing. Then I am oddly relaxed for this temporary period, as though I am inhabiting someone else's body so no damage can be done to my own.
Or, it can go the other way. Anxiety seeps into every pore of my body and I stay still, completely rigid, any modicum of comfort that may have existed now harshly eradicated. Manically searching for some form of control over my environment. I can somewhat impressively maintain a heightened state of fear for quite the length of time.
Thankfully my brain seems to be favouring the first approach for most of this flight. I will of course likely pay for it later but at least for now I can portray some normality.
The flight passes with a mix of film/TV watching, eating, sleeping, water intake monitoring, and people complaining about cramps and/or loss of feeling in feet and/or legs.
Sally is desperate to ensure we do not forget the importance of water. She assures us that we will all suffer terrible consequences with our health if we do not drink enough of the stuff.
Despite her annoying reiteration of the advice, I do know it to be sensible and true, but I just can't really conform. If I drink lots of water the result will be needing to go more often to the toilet.
I struggle with public toilets in general, but public toilets on a plane… they are sort of the ultimate in toilet stress. Cramped, tiny, and not in any way pleasant spaces to be in for anyone, but for me it cranks up a notch. It's hard not to touch anything in there on account of space size and turbulence factors. So, there will be a lot of hand washing and working out how to get out without coming into contact with anything further.
I have heard it's incredibly bad to 'hold it in' and not relieve your bladder regularly but I'm hoping my body will take pity on me and let me off this one time. So, I barely drink anything but make a show of pretend drinking every time Sally glances my way. I also get up and wander in the toilet direction every so often so no one will realise and comment on my lack of toilet trips.
I've come to be pretty good at the pretending skill for many aspects of life. It's kind of a necessity if I want to avoid making the weird attract the spotlight.
Sally and I chat about books for a while and are amazed to discover we've been reading the same one at (almost) the same time. I finished it a month before she started it, but for us this still constitutes as a coincidence to marvel at and we pass a not insubstantial amount of time discussing it.
We have very similar taste in books, so she is my person for recommendations. My kindle would be severely missing out without her input. And I would be severely missing out without books. I am almost granted a proper break with them.
My brain appears seemingly tricked into being absorbed in the imaginary world of characters. It doesn't often stay tricked for long though sadly. More often than not it will abruptly realise what's happening and interject the story with – hold on, remember you are meant to be worrying about that thing that happened earlier? Come on, we need to think some more on that… So, attention won't always last or hold but it can occasionally be successful for short periods of time.
The lights are dimmed, and we soon realise we're the only ones talking in the vicinity since it is now the appointed sleep time. We know it's bad etiquette to keep talking so we agree to try and get some sleep ourselves.
Sally gets up for a toilet trip before settling. Nathan and Ed are already asleep so that thankfully leaves me alone to carry out some very important assessing.
Here goes.
Now, in order to sleep my head is going to have to touch something. I'm not sure it's even a possible thing to sleep without your head touching anything. Maybe with your head slouched forward but it likely won't stay that way for the duration of the sleep. And it will almost certainly result in severe neck pain upon waking.
So, I'm going to have to rest my head against the back of the chair. I could put my jumper in between my head and the chair to use as a buffer but then I would be cold. I certainly can't use the provided blanket to keep me warm, so the jumper has to stay on. I really hate being cold and it would keep me awake so defeat the purpose of leaning back anyway.
Why did I not think to bring some kind of makeshift pillow? I start to get angry with myself for not realising this beforehand and being prepared. It seems like such an obvious necessity for someone like me now I think about it, yet, it didn't even enter my head when I was packing. I continue to curse myself despite realising this is a pointless endeavour since there is absolutely nothing I can change about it now.
Still, I can't seem to stop the annoyance. It is almost as though I am in some state of delusion, believing there is one high up level of annoyance that if I reach, I will be popped back in time to correct my error.
Focus Amy.
The only option I am left with is to allow my head to touch the chair. I look around and observe the passengers around me. Every single one is asleep with their head touching the chair. This means I should be fine to do it too. It's normal behaviour so just be fricking normal for once Amy.
Sally has returned and fallen asleep in the time it takes me to work up the courage to put my head back and close my eyes. Even then, it's a further ten minutes of my head just sort of gently grazing the surface before I let it rest fully.
Think nice thoughts. Think nice thoughts. Don't think about the chair. Think nice thoughts. Don't think about the chair. Think nice thoughts. Think nice thoughts.
I eventually drift off into a disruptive sleep. Did I make the right decision? Should I have just stayed awake and kept my head protected away from any contact with the chair? I can't change it now, but I start up again with the deluded thinking of annoyance resulting in going back in time allowing me to change things.
Just accept it Amy. Accept it and shut up and go to sleep. I manage to act on this instruction at some points and do manage to achieve some sleep thankfully, but it's far from comfortable.
When I wake up, Ed's sleeping face is the first thing I see. He looks so peaceful. I hope he's having a nice dream. I turn away because I realise if he were to wake up at this precise moment, he would wake to see me staring at him. Whilst we are very comfortable around each other (in as much as I can be comfortable around people) this still feels like it would be a step into awkward.
Nathan a
ppears by my side in the aisle.
'Sleep well?' he asks.
Not in the slightest. 'Not massively. I'm not even sure I was asleep very long – what time is it? Or actually, more helpful question – how many more hours to go?'
'We're not far now. I can't seem to stop myself obsessively checking the flight map. I'm pretty sure it's lying to me a lot of the time but it's currently informing that we only have another hour or so left until Singapore.'
'Oh great, that's not so bad then. It will be so nice to breathe fresh air again.'
'Yep. Although we best not get too used to it. Remind me again why we are not at least staying the night in Singapore? I'm not sure I'm built for this hard-core travelling with all the flights joined up stupidly close to each other.'
I smile. 'I know, it's not ideal but at least it gets it all over with quicker I guess.' And gives me less time to contemplate replacing the connecting flight with a return flight, I silently add.
Chapter 17
We land in Singapore for our part way stop – a mere two-hour break but everyone is still very grateful for any length of time at all away from the plane.
On entering the airport, as we are all adjusting to non-recycled air and the ability to walk further than a few steps, Nathan asks, 'What does everyone fancy doing?'
Sally and I reply in unison 'Toilet first!'. Me because I'm desperate to empty my bladder, given I only managed to face the grand total of one toilet trip on the entire fourteen-hour flight. (I know, sincere apologies bladder). Sally because she just wants space to freshen up.
We agree on a place to catch up with them and head off towards the facilities. Please be nice ones. Please be nice ones. Please be nice ones.
'I heard they have showers here; I might investigate if that's true and we can use them.' Sally says.
'Don't think I'll bother but I'm happy to wait for you while you do.' I would seriously love a shower right now. Just not one that lives in an airport and is used by numerous strangers.
The Existence of Amy Page 5
