We simply don't talk about it. If anyone in the office starts discussing it, we change conversation topic as quickly as is politely possible and continue on as if nothing is changing.
We can't waste this time being sad. There will be plenty of time for that after he has left. These are our last days and we need to keep them preserved in reflection of our beautiful friendship.
Time runs out fast on us though and all too soon I find myself sat in the pub for Ed's leaving drinks. I try to take the approach of treating it like any other work drinks night, and not focus at all on the reason we're all here. I know that if I start registering it, I won't get through this night.
It doesn't really work though. I'm not enjoying the night at all. I can't seem to remember how to form sentences to contribute to conversations with people. I'm sure I will be forgiven for this though; I am shown many looks of pity throughout the night by well-meaning friends.
Everyone is sad Ed is leaving, he is well-liked in our office. But people know how close we are, so I am afforded some forgiveness in being a terrible person to converse with right now.
But I stay. I stay for Ed. This night can't be about me.
I desperately want the night to be over though. I know it should be viewed as a night to celebrate our friendships and Ed's time at the company. Ed's time in my life. But I can't seem to view it in any other way than a horrendously sad gathering.
On account of this, as soon as I notice the first people starting to leave towards the end of the night, I take my cue for acceptable departure and make the decision to leave too. I head over to Ed. I don't even bother saying goodbye to anyone else as I know there is no point in even trying.
'Hey, think I'm going to get going now.'
'Oh right, ok. Let me walk you out.'
We head outside and he walks me to the end of the road where I will supposedly wait to get a taxi. No taxis pass here so this won't be my final taxi waiting location but it's where Ed and I silently agree we need to be right now. Far enough away from the pub, whilst also being somewhere we both get to walk away from when we get to the final goodbye part.
'Have you had a good night?' I start.
'Yeh, it's been great. I have been feeling the love for sure, it's going to be hard to leave this place.'
'It will be. But once you get to Singapore it will get easier. The hard part is saying goodbye.'
'Am I doing the right thing Ames?' he looks at me with sadness in his eyes.
'Yes.' I don't even hesitate. Not because I'm in any way certain he's doing the right thing, but because I am certain that he needs my answer to be void of hesitation.
'I'll be in touch regularly. You are going to get sick of reading my emails.'
I smile. 'We will stay in touch. But don't focus on that ok? Make this work Ed. To do that you can't spend too much time thinking about everything here. Promise me you will do that.'
He thinks a little while. 'Ok, I will promise, if you promise me something?'
'What is it?'
'Promise me you will never stop trying. I know it's hard for you sometimes. It breaks my heart to see you struggle and I worry about you. Really worry. Sometimes I can't sleep because I think I should be doing something more to help you. And now I'm leaving, and I will have even less ability to help you so I'm going to worry even more. That's why you need to do this one for me Amy. You need to promise me you will never stop trying. Under no circumstances are you allowed to give up ok?'
'Ok. I promise.' I say it with meaning I don't feel. I say it solely for Ed. He needs these words right now, so I won't deliberate over saying them. I feel no guilt at lying.
'Good.' He thankfully seems to accept my answer. 'I'm not really that far away though. If you ever need me, I can be back in the time you fall asleep at night to the time you wake up.'
I'm not sure that is an entirely accurate time calculation, but I'm happy to go along with the pretence. 'I know but I'll be fine. Please don't worry about me. I'm sorry I've caused you so much worry, I know I haven't exactly been an easy friend to have. I really appreciate you sticking with me though so thank you.'
'You don't have to thank me for being your friend Amy, you've been a good friend to me too.'
I have been nowhere near as good a friend to Ed as he has been to me. He will never really know how much he's helped me but it's impossible to explain in words in this moment. Or any moments really. The words 'thank you' don't even come close to expressing the magnitude of gratitude I feel towards this man.
We stare at each other a little while, neither sure how to end the conversation. There are so many more beautiful words we could say to each other about our friendship, but I think that would just make leaving even harder.
'I'm going to walk away now Ed, and so are you.'
He nods slowly in agreement.
Neither of us move.
'Take care of yourself, and I really do hope you guys have an amazing time in Singapore.'
We stand locked in this moment for a while longer before he eventually replies, 'Do not forget your promise.'
We turn and walk away from each other.
Chapter 40
Our little cluster of desks feels horrible and subdued the first day without Ed there. I try to pretend he's just on holiday, but my mind is struggling to be tricked. Nathan tries his best at cheering us with the occasional joke but even Sally is barely breaking a smile.
It carries on like this for a few days when Nathan eventually breaks. 'Guys, this sucks. Really fricking sucks. But we can't sit about like this forever mourning Ed's absence. Anyone got any suggestions for how we can lift the mood a bit?'
'I'm not sure you can force these things Nathan.' Sally says.
She looks at me with compassion filled eyes before adding, 'We'll get there. We just need a bit of time.'
A few days later I get into the office and notice someone sitting at Ed's desk. Of course they weren't going to leave it empty for long but I don't feel ready to deal with a new neighbour yet. Although, I'm not sure that is something I will ever feel.
'Hi.' I say sitting down.
'Hey. I'm Mark. Going to be doing a bit of freelancing for you guys.'
'Oh right, great.' Temporary neighbour then. I'm not sure if I prefer this or not.
I pretend not to see he's holding out his hand for me to shake and take a ridiculous amount of time taking off my coat instead. I don't look in his direction but keep talking to try and hide the rudeness.
'Where have you worked before?' I ask, trying to resemble someone who is interested in his words.
He's a chatty guy and seems friendly enough but I'm not really listening to anything he's saying.
I'm sorry Mark. You don't deserve this.
Work drinks are quickly organised to welcome the new guy but I'm ready with my excuse without even pretending to attempt going.
It's becoming strong again. I know I'm going to need a little time with avoidance.
Sally doesn't even remotely question my excuse. She seems to have taken on a stance of taking pity on me. I imagine because she is currently able to pinpoint a good reason for me fabricating excuses.
I tell myself I will make more of an effort with Mark. Temporary or not, he shouldn't have to be subjected to the mess of a work neighbour I seem to be dissolving into. This effort is elusive to me right now though, so these are merely words marked for me to address in the future.
Days pass but each one seems to bring stronger greater challenges for me.
Is this a new level or something? I thought we were pretty high already.
I'm just sensing you need to take more care since you're distracted thinking about Ed leaving.
It feels like you are just endlessly adding to the list of things you consider dangerous.
I am yes.
But if they weren't dangerous before and didn't cause me any harm, why are they suddenly now?
We hadn't fully assessed them correctly before. We must have just got really luc
ky for them to not have caused any harm.
I thought you said I wasn't lucky.
You're not.
?
Just stop arguing and follow my instructions. You know you are wasting your time. I will always win.
I know you will. I just don't know why.
A couple of weeks later I'm leaving work in the evening when I bump into Ben on the steps outside our building.
'Hi Amy, how's things?'
'Good thanks.' I lie.
'Great, work keeping you busy?'
'As always. I better get going though, I have something on tonight.' More lies.
'Oh, ok, well I'll see you soon hopefully.'
'Bye.' I manage a small smile at least.
Our interactions since our non-date discussion don't actually appear to have suffered too much damage. His level of friendliness has not diminished and I'm extremely grateful for this. I can't seem to match this friendliness today though. I am feeling familiar end-of-day desperation at wanting to get home.
As I get to the end of the street, I'm not sure why but something instructs me to turn around and glance back to the office steps. As I do, my vision slowly rests upon Ben embracing a woman. After a brief kiss, they walk off in the opposite direction holding hands.
Well, what did I expect – that he'd wait around for me, possibly forever? Of course he's going to move on. I can't seem to move from this spot staring at them. The vision of a happy couple starts becoming so much more than is presented on the surface.
Before, that would have been me. I'm looking at what's been cruelly stolen from me. And I can't seem to look away.
I have no idea how long I end up standing in that spot for. When I eventually fall back into reality, Ben I'm sure is long gone. The light seems darker though.
I get myself home but it's not a pretty journey. I can't stop the tears from falling and I am no doubt attracting scared/worried/annoyed glances from passers-by, but I have no capacity to care.
Once I finally step through the door of my home, I know I won't be leaving again any time soon.
Chapter 41
Days pass, maybe even weeks, I'm not entirely aware of moving through each day. Nothing is registering much in my conscious hours.
I find myself contemplating how long it might take for it to be over if I just didn't move ever again.
Would it be painful? Would I slip into some delirious state and ruin it by moving? How would I look when someone found me? Would I change the course of the life of the person who found me?
Dark thoughts are my sole companion through these days, until I am woken from sleep one day to loud banging on my door.
I realise it is being joined by shouting.
'Amy, answer the door. It's Nathan. I'm going to keep banging on this door until you answer so if you want to be kind to your neighbours, hurry up.'
What is Nathan doing here? I'm confused. His presence makes no sense to me in this environment.
I don't want to talk to him. I definitely don't want to see him. I stay in bed and try and ignore him.
He's persistent though. Shit Nathan, leave me alone.
He's attempting more words through the letterbox, but I can't really make them out. He is clearly happy to keep this up for a long time, so I eventually give in and go and open the door.
'What the hell Nathan? What are you doing here?' I'm annoyed he has made me exert energy in leaving my bed and answering the door.
'Amy, thank fuck.' His previous words had an edge of jovialness but these three have none.
I stare at him.
He stares back before eventually continuing, 'Everyone's really worried about you, so I had to come check on you.'
'You could have called?'
'I did. I've called loads. So has Sal, so have others at work.'
Work. Shit. The excuse I gave for needing time off has likely run out by now and I've made no attempt at extending it. Did I even call them with an excuse in the first place?
I have no idea how long I've been off for. My brain has stopped registering days. I've been aware of light outside and dark outside, but counting these transitions is beyond my capabilities.
'Oh. I haven't checked my phone in a while.'
'Right. Well, can I come in?'
'No.'
'Amy, I'm worried. Now I've seen you, I'm even more worried. You look like shit. Please just let me in for a little bit? I won't stay, I don't even need to go beyond the hallway. Just let me in so we aren't having this conversation in full view of your neighbours?'
There is no way he is going beyond the hallway, but I open the door to signal my agreement. I don't want to be involved in a scene drawing my neighbour's attention.
'Thanks.' he says as he walks in. Relief at my agreement joining his steps.
I stand in silence.
'Do you want to talk to me about what's going on?'
'No.'
'Ok, well, I've got a pretty good idea. The summary version anyway. When was the last time you left the house?'
I stare blankly. As far as my brain is concerned there is no longer a world outside.
'Right. So, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to make an appointment for you at your doctors and I'm going to drive you there and back. You're not going to think beyond that. This is just one task you have to commit to doing ok? There are no other tasks, nothing to scare yourself with thinking about what will happen after. The only thing you need to focus on is this one task. Can you do that?'
I stare my silent response.
'You have to agree to this Amy. I am not leaving this hallway until you do. So, either you agree, or I will settle myself in nicely for a very long time. Those are your choices.'
Rubbish choices Nathan.
I stare at him some more before I finally concede that agreeing to go to the doctors will be the fastest way to get him to leave. I don't think I've ever seen him this serious before.
'Fine. I will go to the doctors.' I lie.
'Good. Now go and get your phone so I can get the number and make the appointment.'
I sigh. 'I'll send you the number later.'
'No Amy. Go and get it now.'
I try to show annoyance and frustration, but my body doesn't seem to have the energy to manifest the expression on my face, so I wander off instead to get my phone.
Nathan makes the appointment and instructs he will be back to collect me in two hours.
'What? The appointment is today?'
'Yes. I got one of those same day emergency appointments.'
'I'm not an emergency.'
He looks at me with sadness in his eyes. 'I'll be back in two hours.'
He walks back out to his car, but I don't hear the engine start. I glance out the window ten minutes later and he's still sat there. Great, he thinks I'm going to make some kind of escape. Good thinking Nathan, you're good at this.
I'm probably going to have to go to this appointment then.
I wander in and out of different rooms as though trying to remind myself how to prepare for going outside. I walk past a mirror and realise Nathan's assessment of my appearance is not wrong. But does it actually even matter? I don't make any attempt to address the issue.
When the two hours are up, I open the front door and stand still for a little while. Perhaps I am acclimatising myself to this new type of air.
I breathe in. I breathe out. I breathe in again. I breathe out again. Listen to Nathan, remember his instructions. Just this one task.
I walk slowly out to his car and get in. He looks relieved. Probably because he hasn't had to attempt any kind of force.
I stay pretty much silent for the journey except when he asks, 'Do you want me to come in with you? I mean, I will be in the waiting room with you, but I mean to the actual doctor's room? It's probably best you speak to them by yourself then you can be completely honest and not worry about saying stuff in front of me. But if you just feel like you want a friend next to you, I'll absolutely come in
with you. What would you prefer?'
I consider this for a moment before answering, 'I'll go in by myself.'
'Fine. But you have to be totally honest with them ok Ames? That is the most important thing to remember when you're in there. No lies ok?'
I briefly contemplate questioning him about his assumption that lying to a doctor is something I would consider. But I don't have the energy to argue about his entirely accurate assumption. I respond instead with one word, 'Ok.'
We sit in silence in the waiting room and I look around. There's a woman coughing. She looks a bit feverish. I feel a surge of jealousy. When she sees the doctor, they will no doubt simply prescribe her antibiotics. She will then go home and take them, and then soon after she will be fixed.
No awkwardness. Straightforward, common illness. Why can't mine be like that.
When my name is called, I don't hear it. I'm still transfixed in my story about the coughing woman. Eventually Nathan's voice breaks my gaze 'Amy.' 'Ames, it's time now.'
I look at him and slowly nod before rising slowly and walking slowly towards the doctor. All my movements only seem to be aware of one possible pace.
She smiles and indicates for me to follow her along a bright corridor into her room. She closes the door after me and points to a chair for me to sit in whilst sitting in her own chair. But I can't seem to move from near the door.
I don't want to sit in that chair. I think of all the sick people who have sat in that chair. I didn't even want to sit in the waiting room chair. But I did it, and that is now feeling like a bad decision. I wasn't paying enough attention. I should have stayed standing. The fear is starting to seep through me. Here we go again…
This is so exhausting.
'Amy?' she's at my side now offering a box of tissues. I realise I must be crying.
'Just take your time. When you're ready, explain to me what's going on. Then we'll see how I can help ok?'
I eventually manage to get some words out, but our allotted ten minutes is not going to come anywhere close to being enough time to explain what's going on in my brain.
The Existence of Amy Page 13
