I've always enjoyed my job, but my interest fell away when everything else fell away. It seems to be finding its way back to me now though which is a very relieving thing to acknowledge.
My first day back passes with air around me that feels filled with kindness. Everyone I see tells me how nice it is to see me back. Most I'm sure don't know the reason I was off – they perhaps assume illness, or a bereavement but everyone is too polite to ask. They just treat me like I was only on an extended holiday. They are good people here. I am genuinely feeling a little joy in this day.
And the next day. And the next day. It feels really good to be back.
At the end of my first week back I am making my way to the elevators to leave for the day when I see Ben. He spots me at the same time and a beaming smile immediately appears on his face.
'Amy! What are you doing here? Are you back working here? I thought you'd left. I asked around but nobody seemed to be too sure. Has everything been ok?'
I smile at his slightly manic question firing.
'Yes, I'm back. I just had to take some time off to deal with some personal stuff but I'm definitely still working here.'
'Great! Good to hear. I mean, no, sorry, not good to hear you had some stuff going on but good you're back.' He pauses before adding, 'I'm rambling a bit here aren't I, sorry.'
I laugh. 'It's fine. It's very sweet of you to notice I wasn't around. So, how have you been?'
'Good, good. Busy with work as usual. There have been a lot of late nights recently while we work towards this big proposal coming up.'
'That must be tough on the new relationship.'
'New relationship?'
'Yeh, you're seeing someone aren't you?'
'Oh. Yes. Or rather, yes, I was, but it didn't work out unfortunately. She was nice enough but we both could see we weren't the best match, so rather than drag it out we parted as friends. All very civilized.'
'Great. I mean, great that it was civilized, not great you had to break up.' I manage to stop there as I think I'm about to catch his waffling.
'How about you? Can I ask about the ex?'
'The ex?'
'Yeh, your ex you told me you were still in love with. Any update on that situation?'
Oh. I forgot I'd used that excuse.
Ok. Two choices Amy. Continue the lie and things will stay the same. Or. Believe you're changing and might be able to actually manage this and tell Ben the truth. Not the full truth obviously. It's not really an appropriate time to throw that all out there whilst we're stood in front of the office elevators. Just the truth about being single and available and not in love with anyone else.
'I think he's pretty much out the picture now.'
'And, is anyone else in the picture? Did I miss my window of opportunity?' He smiles.
I return his smile. 'No, no one else.'
'So, if I were to ask you out for a second date might that be something you would consider?'
My smile beams brighter and I answer, 'It might be.'
I don't know if I'm really going to be able to do this. But I do know that I actually feel able to try now and that has never even been a notion before. It's small progress but small progress I am aware is the way this works. I can't expect big changes overnight. Or even over a handful of nights. This is going to take a long time.
Maybe Ben won't wait. Maybe I will run before he's given the chance to wait. But what's appeared in this moment are things I thought I had lost forever. Feelings of untainted happiness, feelings of hope, and feelings of strength in ability to try.
I'm really actually able and willing to try.
We step in the elevator together and as the doors close, I catch a glimpse of Ed's old desk and smile.
The Existence of Amy Page 16
