by Janice Kay Johnson - Cop by Her Side (The Mysteries of Angel Butte)
“Maybe when they’re alone, he’s different. She might know which parts are surface, which parts real.”
The minute the words were out, Jane felt a shock of realization. She had always known that what she heard Clay say that day was, as he put it, posturing. She’d known he wasn’t like that underneath. Her shock and hurt had been real nonetheless. His gut-deep belief that a woman should be a woman and not try to work in a man’s profession, that part she feared was real, and not an obstacle the two of them could overcome.
Except...she’d never expected him to admit as much as he had tonight, in this strange, intimate conversation.
I’m trying.
Was that enough? she asked herself, and didn’t know. Maybe...maybe she had other issues where he was concerned, ones she hadn’t let herself identify. Maybe she was afraid to let herself count on him.
Because I’ve never been able to count on anyone.
Oh, God, she thought in horror, it’s true. And I didn’t even know.
“Here I wanted to know about you,” he said suddenly, sounding more like the man he usually presented himself as, “and all I’ve done is talk about me. Listen, I’ve got to hit the sack. I’ll call tomorrow if I find anything out, all right?”
“All right.” She hesitated. “I’m glad you called, Clay. Talking to you helped.”
“I’m glad,” he said, his voice dropping a notch again. “It helped me, too.”
He said good-night, and she did the same. A minute later, she was alone, the phone still clutched in her hand as if it was a talisman.
One thing she knew, Jane thought in a state of semishock—not everything he’d said at lunch today had been intended to manipulate.
That’s not my choice.
Despite all the intervening months, Clay still wanted a relationship with her. She guessed she’d known it, too, from the way he looked at her. Which meant...she could unmake her choice, if she really wanted to.
CHAPTER EIGHT
COME MORNING, JANE heard Drew’s voice even before her eyes were open. It sounded as if he was right outside her bedroom door, and she realized he was trying to shush Alexis.
Too late.
Jane dragged herself up, feeling like the last rose of summer. Startled by the thought, she remembered that her mother had always put it that way. Great. All she needed was Mom appearing in her head. Jane hadn’t lied to Clay—she didn’t want to believe she had it in her to be anything like her mother.
Just because I say things once in a while that she did doesn’t mean I’m like her.
No, but it did mean that, on some level, she was channeling her mother. That was how Clay had put it. She could tell he was as appalled at the idea of being unconsciously influenced by his father as she was by summoning bits and pieces of her mother.
“Ugh,” she said aloud, and got herself ready to face the day.
When she reached the kitchen, Alexis hopped out of her chair to give Jane a quick, hard hug around her waist, and Drew greeted her with obvious pleasure despite the deep furrows of exhaustion in his face.
“Long night?” she asked.
He grunted.
“Is she still improving?”
“Looks like it.”
Okay, so...why wasn’t he more enthusiastic? But with Alexis here, this wasn’t the time to ask. She glanced to see that they were both eating—what else?—Eggo waffles again. Jane poked around until she found a brand of cereal that wouldn’t send her into sugar shock, added milk and carried her bowl to the table.
“You have plans today?” Drew asked.
She paused with the spoon halfway to her mouth. “That depends on you and Alexis.”
“Lexie—” he dredged up a smile for his daughter “—has agreed to go to her camp today. Her friend Ava called and wanted to know if she was coming. They’re going to Grouse Lake for a treasure hunt and a swim.”
Jane, too, smiled at her niece. “That sounds like fun.”
“Bree’s gonna be mad she missed it.”
Jane’s smile faded. It was a moment before she could say, “She will be, won’t she?”
Alexis looked up, her eyes damp. “I wish Bree was here now.”
Drew’s face spasmed in agony. Jane doubted he could have said anything. So it was up to her.
“Yeah.” It was hard talking past the lump in her throat. “Me, too.”
She gazed at her cereal and wondered how she was going to force even a few bites down. But she had to set an example, didn’t she? She made herself lift the spoon to her mouth, chew, swallow and try not to choke when even the small amount seemed to get stuck halfway down. Another bite. Repeat.
Drew finally sent Alexis off to her bedroom to get dressed and said he’d make her a lunch. He didn’t move right away, though. Jane couldn’t help noticing he didn’t seem to have eaten much, either.
“I’m glad she’s willing to go,” Jane offered.
“I was really hoping. Jane...” He hesitated.
Inexplicably alarmed, she braced herself.
“I don’t want us to have to keep trading off. I feel better when I’m with you. I was, uh, hoping to see more of you today.”
Jane made herself meet his gaze and immediately thought, Oh, boy. Was that yearning she saw in his eyes? Please, God, let him be asking for support and friendship, not...whatever else she was imagining.
“I do have some things I need to do today, but I can sit with you at the hospital for a little, if you’d like.”
“I’d like,” he said, too fervently.
“Drew—”
“Lissa isn’t the woman I thought she was when I married her,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Jane bristled. “Tell you what? You went head over heels the minute you saw her! Like you’d have listened to me.” Horrified by how caustic she sounded, she pushed away from the table. She hadn’t been that hurt. Really. “No one in love wants to listen to reason. Anyway, Lissa is...exciting. Beautiful, fun. You’ve been happy with her, haven’t you?”
“I thought so,” he said despondently to her back as she carried her bowl to the sink and dumped most of its contents down the disposal. “But this past year—”
Jane turned to face him from a safe distance. “What do you mean?”
“She was a bitch about my family coming for Christmas.”
Yes. She had been.
“I think that’s when it started. Then, when I got laid off...” He stopped, as if unable, or maybe reluctant, to continue, but then did. “It was like I was suddenly less in her eyes. You know?” he appealed.
God help her, Jane knew that, too. Lissa had been scathing sometimes when she talked about her husband, as if he was a loser. Later, though, she’d begun to sound almost pleased. As if she liked holding the upper hand.
My sister, the bitch.
Who was it I didn’t want to betray? Jane wondered. Lissa? Or was it really Drew?
Both. The lump in her throat had swelled again, like a clog in the pipes that grew to increase the blockage as it caught every stray emotion trying to slip past. They were her only family. Of course her loyalty was to them. Nobody said you always liked the people you loved most.
“It’s been a stressful year,” she murmured. “Lissa gets...pugnacious when she’s scared. You know that. It doesn’t mean she feels any different about you.”
Was that hope, or some darker knowledge, she saw on his face?
“Listen,” she said, “I can drop off Alexis when she’s ready. Why don’t you go back to bed? Then we can meet at the hospital later.”
He agreed and, once they set a time, stumbled off toward his bedroom. She heard his voice when he stopped to talk to Alexis, and then a minute later the sound of his bedroom door closing.
Jane remembered
that Alexis needed to take a lunch with her, and delved into the refrigerator for peanut butter and jam. Lissa would insist on sending either some carrot and celery sticks or an apple, too, although Jane had her suspicions those didn’t always get eaten. Cookies... The crock was empty, but she found packaged chocolate-chip cookies in the cupboard. Juice in a box. Grabbing a marker from a drawer, she wrote ALEXIS in big letters on the brown paper bag.
With all her heart, she wished she was reaching for a second lunch bag and writing BREE.
* * *
“I SHOULDN’T HAVE left things hanging,” Jane said apologetically.
She’d dropped by Colin McAllister’s office, hoping to get lucky and find him there. With him running for sheriff and the election just over two months away, he wasn’t there as much as he used to be. She needed to find out whether he’d dealt with the two detectives she had put on suspension just before she’d taken off in a panic to help search for Bree. Saturday.
Oh, dear God—three days ago. An eternity.
Colin’s expression was kind. “All I’ve done so far is confirm the suspension when that idiot Griffin called.”
“We must be shorthanded.”
“We are, but if we can’t trust them, they don’t belong on the job,” he said flatly.
“No.”
He raised his eyebrows. “Your call. Do we fire them both? Knock ’em back to patrol? Call the suspension good?”
She shook her head at the last. “Suspension isn’t enough. An honest mistake is one thing, but this was pure egoism. They were showing off.”
“All right,” he said. “What about Officer Schneider?”
“She should go on suspension. She knew better, too.”
He didn’t say anything, only waited while she thought through how she wanted to handle Detectives Phil Henry and Kyle Griffin.
“Griffin was promoted only a couple of months ago. Not to excuse him, but so far in that pairing, Phil’s calling the shots. Kyle at least had the grace to look embarrassed when I talked to them. Phil let slip something that told me he would have lied and kept lying if I didn’t have him cold.” The decision wasn’t hard after all. “I need to fire him. I thought Kyle had a glimmer of promise. I’d like to send him back to patrol if Brian’s okay with it, then give him another shot down the line.”
“Good.” Colin’s gray eyes warmed. “Do you have time to go talk to Brian and then Human Resources? Or do you want me to take care of it?”
“No, I know how crazy busy you must be these days.” She smirked at him. “It takes time to think up all those wise quotes I’m reading in my newspaper.” At his snort, she laughed. “Really. I have a few hours before I need to go to the hospital. I’ll handle it.”
She’d already told him about the signs of improvement Melissa was showing, and he had assured her she could take as much time as she needed.
Now he said, “Is there anything I can do to help, Jane? That any of us can do to help? Alec keeps asking about you, too. He of all people knows how you feel.”
“I guess he does. I keep thinking about how we did find Matt and that he’s fine.” Her smile wobbled. “There really isn’t anything you can do unless Sergeant Renner needs help. For that matter, there’s nothing I can do but support my brother-in-law and help take care of my niece. I hate feeling so useless.”
“I can imagine.” His eyes stayed keen on her face. “Renner keeping you informed?”
“Yes, he’s been really decent.” Except when he was trying to use her. “Especially considering we didn’t have that good a relationship. Um...they’ve been getting a ton of tips.”
“We’ve had our share,” Colin agreed. “Mostly from our usual crazies. Only one or two even worth following up on.”
He walked her out of the office, his presence big and solid and reassuring. She guessed maybe she’d had a little bit of a thing for him—something like a middle school crush, really—but at the moment she had the fleeting wish she was with Clay.
Stupid.
The only good thing about her next hour and a half was that actually doing her job steadied her, made her feel more like herself. No surprise—the job was her life. She didn’t have much outside it. The way she’d felt lately was like...like the doctor that suddenly found herself the patient, needing reassurance as much as anyone even though the knowledge was there in her head.
I could do something to help. Clay asked for my help.
No! There was no way she could do that to Drew.
Her phone rang as she was walking out of the public safety building. Clay.
“Hey,” he said. “You at the hospital?”
“On my way there. I was just firing one of my detectives.”
There was a pause. “That’s rough.”
“Not my favorite part of the job.” She hesitated. “Drew hasn’t called. But he might not have gotten to the hospital yet. Have you heard something?”
“No, I was going by as much to see you as anything.” He hesitated. “How about if I grab a couple of coffees at the Java Club and we sit and drink them at the park? We can watch the river run and you can tell me why you’re having to fire someone.”
Jane felt a cramp of pure longing. She didn’t even try to resist it. “As it happens, I’m looking at the playground. I’ll go stake out a bench.”
“Deal,” he agreed.
He showed up fifteen minutes later, carefully carrying two tall cups, one of which he handed to her before he sat down with a sigh and stretched out his legs. The cup was cold—he’d brought iced coffee.
She’d found a bench in the shade right beside the paved path that ran alongside the Deschutes used by bikers, runners and in-line skaters. In the heat of the day like this, though, she and Clay were mostly alone. A few mothers had young children over at the playground, and some older kids splashed in the water close to the bank of the river, running low now in late summer.
Clay gazed toward them. “School’s about to start.”
“A week from today.”
“Alexis will be starting kindergarten, won’t she?”
Jane concentrated on the uninteresting cap atop her drink. “Yes.”
“And Bree, she’ll be a second-grader?”
Hearing the rough sympathy in his voice, she nodded without looking at him.
They took simultaneous sips. Jane was disconcerted to discover that hers was an orange spiced coffee with just a hint of cream. He’d remembered her ordering something similar last year.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting the cup to him.
He smiled, still looking out over the river.
He was so damn male, she thought. He was too big and powerful for her ever to forget he was a man. In this light, she could see how sun-glazed his hair was, but the bristle on his jaw was darker, as was the hair on his muscled forearms. He wore a short-sleeved sheriff’s department uniform today, which made her wonder what he’d been doing. The olive green was a good color on him.
After another sip, she started talking, telling him without naming names about the fiasco at the crime scene.
“Part carelessness, part showboating for a pretty patrol officer.”
“That’s what you get for having women and men working together.”
Jane’s spine stiffened. “So it’s the woman’s fault for distracting the men?” she asked in outrage, before she saw the smile playing at the corner of his mouth. “Humph.”
“You fire their asses?” he asked in a different tone.
“One of them.” She explained her reasoning, and he nodded.
“Sounds like what I would have done, too.”
She shouldn’t be reassured by that, but was, just as she’d been by Colin’s approval. The truth was, she’d risen from detective to lieutenant not much over eight months ago, with noth
ing in between. She’d worked with trainees before, but had no real supervisory experience, so this had been a gigantic jump for her. She’d been gaining in confidence, but still had her moments.
“Good you slapped the patrol officer, too,” Clay added. “If she didn’t know better than to accept the two macho idiots’ invitation, she should have.”
“No kidding.”
A pair of boys bicycled past, one chasing the other, both of them pedaling for all they were worth.
“Why the uniform?” Jane asked.
“Seemed appropriate, the way I keep having to deal with other jurisdictions.” He took a long drink. “Cool, too.”
Jane had trouble tearing her gaze from his throat, working as he swallowed. Beads of sweat ran down it, one heading for the hollow at the base. She’d never seen him without his shirt. Back when they dated, their kisses had gotten pretty steamy, but she had always called a halt before they actually started shedding clothes. Now...well, she was a little bit sorry.
“If you keep looking at me like that, I’m going to have to kiss you.”
To her shock, she realized he was watching her, heat in his eyes. Responding to what he saw in her eyes. Great timing, she thought, turning her head to cut off the sight of him altogether.
Remember what a jerk he was yesterday? Does that ring any bells?
She thought she heard a faint sigh from beside her.
“I had a call first thing this morning from the FBI.” His voice was neutral. “They had what sounded like a promising tip. We checked it out. Believe it or not, it was another domestic. Uglier than the last one, though, because this father wasn’t supposed to have any visitation at all. He was sexually molesting the girl.”
Sexually molesting was one of the things Jane had been trying very hard not to think about in relation to Bree, even though she knew it was a horrifyingly realistic possibility. Maybe the most realistic possibility, assuming she’d stopped a car to ask for help, and the driver had instead abducted her.
Suddenly stricken, Jane thought, I should want Clay to be right. Because—if he is—it means whoever has Bree took her for some other reason.
