Wilder (The Renegades)

by Rebecca Yarros

  I wasn’t sure I’d ever know—or if I could love under those terms.

  “What about you? You came all this way knowing that Landon was here?”

  She gave me a tight, forced smile. “You are my best friend. You held me together when it felt like everything else was ripping me in ten thousand directions. Landon… He took enough from me; I’m not letting him take this trip, too. And this is about you. I would do anything for you. If you want to go, we’ll go. If you want to stay, we’ll stay.”

  She pulled me into a hug, and I let myself sink into the familiarity of my best friend. But part of me died, too. Paxton’s plan had worked. Whether or not Rachel stayed, and Landon got his chance, was all up to me…and everything revolved around my feelings for Pax.

  As far as I would go to secure Rachel’s happiness, how was I ever going to know if being with me was a price Paxton would pay for Landon’s?

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Paxton

  At Sea

  I poured another shot of tequila and sighed as it burned down my throat. Numbness, blessed numbness—that was all that I wanted. I think that was my sixth…wait…seventh…no…sixth. Fuck it. I gave up.

  There wasn’t enough alcohol to burn this pain away. I’d once foolishly thought that the Rachel/Landon shit was the worst I’d ever feel. But on the pain scale, that was a stubbed toe. This was the decimation of my fucking heart.

  She had to believe me, didn’t she? She had to see how much I loved her, that she wasn’t just some tool to get Landon and Rachel back together. She knew me, right? Hadn’t I let her in? Let her see how much she meant to me? But she was right, I’d put Landon’s happiness above my own, and that meant I’d put it above hers, too.

  Now that Rachel was here, was there a way to prove my love to Leah? To show her that she—and not the love life of my best friend—was my priority? I couldn’t even tell Landon that Rachel was here, not until she’d made her choice. I wasn’t going to fuck with his head just to have her tuck tail and run. God, I only wanted everyone to have it all, for everyone to be happy.

  This isn’t a fucking sitcom.

  “So are you going to tell me what this fight with Leah is about, or are you going to make me guess?” Landon asked, pouring himself a shot.

  “None of your business.”

  He threw the shot back and leaned against the bar, no doubt judging my unshaved face and general lack of hygiene. “You ready for finals tomorrow?”

  I shrugged. I’d studied all day, gone to every class in preparation, sat next to Leah, unable to touch her and hating every single second of it. She’d been polite but hadn’t even met my eyes. Ironic, since that’s the relationship we should have had in the first place.

  I’d had my bones broken, joints ripped apart, hundreds of stitches through my skin, but nothing had ever felt like Leah breaking my heart.

  Fuck that. I broke my own heart. Maybe that’s why it hurt even more.

  “Okay, well this has been a nice talk. Guess I should get some sleep,” Landon said. There was a knock at the door. “Saved by the knock…or whatever.”

  I headed outside, bracing my weight on the deck railing.

  “You look like shit,” Brandon said, leaning against the rail next to me.

  “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

  “I like your ship,” he said, looking out over the water. “I’ve been exploring during my mini-cruise. Thanks for letting me stay until Abu Dhabi.”

  “It’s Dad’s ship,” I countered. “And you’re welcome. You saved my ass, remember?”

  He shook his head. “Leah saved your ass. If she’d waited to call me you’d have been left behind. She’s quite a woman.”

  “She is.”

  “It’s your ship, Pax. Dad signed it over to you.”

  “What?”

  He shrugged. “He divested certain assets before he submitted the paperwork to take the company public. This, and the house in Aspen, they’re yours. He figured you’d need them for this crazy life you lead. Well, the ship was more an income source. The house was his indulgence.”

  “I own the ship,” I said slowly, trying to wrap my head around it.

  “Yep,” Brandon popped the P. “I tried to talk him out of it. Let’s face it, you fuck up pretty much everything you touch, but he’d already done it. The papers are in your fire safe.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah, I said the same thing.”

  “Did you…?” I started, but couldn’t finish.

  He half smiled. “We were gifted equally, don’t get your panties in a wad on my account. Look, that shit you pulled—hitting the cop…” He put up his hands when I glared at him. “Whether or not he deserved it for putting his hands on Leah, the arrest nullified your contract with Dad to fund the documentary.”

  “What?” I nearly shouted. “So you come down here saying you’re going to save my ass, and then instead stab me in the back?”

  He shook his head. “You stabbed yourself. That temper of yours could jeopardize everything Dad is working for.”

  “And he said that he’s pulling the funding? It’s primarily his decision, isn’t it?”

  “He has final say, but I think it should be brought to the board. I love you, brother, but you’re anything but a sound investment while we’re going through this right now. If it was at any other time, I wouldn’t press it, but your reach is down, you’re not posting as much to your channel, and what you are posting isn’t getting the hits that you’re used to. You gave up the tour for this year, so your sponsors aren’t hanging around, and you don’t know if you’ll be allowed to compete in the X Games if your program here says no. You’ve got too much going against you to be a sure bet.”

  “I’ve never been a sure bet, Brandon. That’s why I win the medals. You don’t get those things by sitting on the sidelines waiting for the safe time. You do it by grabbing your balls and going for it, but I’d never expect you to understand.” Anger overtook every other emotion except fear, which was running neck and neck to keep up.

  “You have always had an edge I didn’t get, Pax. I think you’re a reckless, stupid son of a… Well, that’s our mother, so I won’t finish that.” He sighed. “But you are so much of Mom, and I envy that. I always have. Do you think you could promo the documentary with what you have?”

  I thought through the footage we’d gathered since boarding. “Not the full film, but I could put together a kick-ass trailer.”

  “I need something concrete for the board. Numbers.”

  “What kind of numbers?” I asked, hating that, as usual, Brandon’s pound of flesh might be more than I could give.

  “You have six days until the live expo?”

  “Yeah. Three more days at sea, and then two days to practice.”

  “How long to cut the trailer?”

  My mind scrambled, calculating who we had on board. “At least a day.”

  “That leaves you five days to get a million hits.”

  I damn near choked on air. “That’s impossible.”

  “Every pop star pulls it off fairly quickly.”

  “Right, well, I’ll let you know when we have Adele jumping a motocross bike, okay? Shit like that is harder than it sounds.”

  “I know exactly how hard it is. And I’m talking legit views, Paxton. Not paid subscriber crap.”

  “How would you even—?”

  “You’re my little brother. No matter what happens between us at home, out here we’re on the same team. I know exactly what it takes to make your business go. I want you to succeed. I just don’t want you taking Wilder Enterprises down while you’re doing it. You hit one million views by the time you take the stage at the live expo, or the board will vote to yank your funding. Hell, even with the million hits, they might vote to yank it.”

  “Fucking great,” I said. The six—or seven—shots hadn’t been nearly enough.

  “It will be.” He slapped me on the back. “Good luck. I think you might need it.”
<
br />   I stayed out there long after he left, mentally going over what footage we had, what would be sensational enough to warrant getting one million views. At least we had the jump footage, but what would make the best highlight reel?

  I came back inside, flopping onto the couch, my head telling me I was still moving long after I stopped.

  “What did the grim reaper want?”

  “We have to edit a trailer in the next twenty-four hours and hit a million views before the live expo in Abu Dhabi.”

  “Or we could call up Santa Claus and have him deliver early. I mean, we’re only five weeks or so out, right?”

  I grunted in response, my mind trying to fight through the haze of alcohol to function.

  “I guess you’re right, most of the people around us are just waiting to watch us fall,” he said, pouring another shot.

  It was the same thing I said to Leah, ironically as I was falling…for her.

  Falling.

  “Wake up Bobby and tell him to get the production crew in here,” I ordered.

  “Pax, you’re pretty drunk. Do you think this is the time to call a production meeting?”

  “With this kind of idea? If this works, we’ll serve shots at the production meetings,” I answered as Penna came in with a suitcase. I’d almost forgotten how much she and Rachel hadn’t gotten along.

  “Were you going to tell me?” she snapped at me, tossing her bag on the floor.

  “What?” Landon asked.

  “Oh, Leah’s roommate showed up a week early, so I’m back in here with the boys,” she answered.

  “It’s okay,” I said to her. “I think I’ve figured out how to get Leah back.”

  It might cost me my documentary, but it would be worth it.

  She was worth everything.

  Chapter Thirty

  Leah

  Abu Dhabi

  “Fuck, could it be any hotter here?” Rachel asked as she fanned herself on the deck.

  “You know Landon can see you out there,” I said through the open door.

  “He’s at the expo site, practicing with Wilder,” she answered.

  “How do you even know that?” I asked as I packed up my books from this trimester. Our last final had been this morning, and I’d actually managed to keep my attention on the test instead of on Paxton sitting next to me. English and our verbal examinations and defense of our thesis hadn’t been so easy. Especially not when Paxton stood in front of me and answered the class’s interrogation on his thesis on the theory of love and redemption in Les Miserables. It was like he’d directed every answer at me.

  “I may have paid off Hugo to let me know,” Rachel responded, reminding me that I’d asked her a question.

  “Well, if that wasn’t slightly unethical. You’ve been here three days and you’ve got the staff on payroll?” I finished as I leaned on the doorframe.

  She shrugged.

  “Do you want to talk about him? Landon?” I clarified.

  “I’d rather rebreak every bone I’ve ever mangled. It would probably feel the same.” She pulled her sunglasses down and dismissed the topic like only Rachel could. “So, have you seen this trailer?”

  “What trailer?” I asked.

  “I guess they cut a trailer for the documentary, and they’re trying to get it to a million hits before the expo tomorrow.”

  “Oh.” I hated being out of the Renegade loop as much as I desperately needed the space. “No. I haven’t seen it. I promised Penna I’d go over and watch the rehearsal, though. I’m guessing you don’t want to go?”

  “No, thank you. How are you doing with all this? I mean, you’ve been swamped with finals, and I know you love to hide under schoolwork, but really?”

  I sat on her lounge chair and fingered the hemline of my black shorts. I used to be scared to put my legs into the sun because the scarring would only stand out more with a tan, but now it simply was what it was—another part of me like the freckles on my nose or the color of my eyes.

  “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “And I don’t know how to talk to you about it. You’re my best friend, but you’re his ex, and that’s really freaking weird. I can’t think about you two without wanting to vomit.”

  She slid her sunglasses up into her black hair. “Leah, I love you like a sister. What Wilder and I had was so long ago, two and a half years, and if I had to rate that relationship in importance in my life, it’s probably somewhere around a four, and that’s only because it led me to Landon.” She winced, like even his name was painful. “Landon, I loved…and I thought he loved me, especially after he walked away from the Renegades for me. But that was the month of the X Games, and it was just too much, and when Wilder dropped the ultimatum, Landon chose them. I didn’t think I’d be able to breathe for the longest time. He was my ten, and then he was my zero. What is Wilder to you?”

  “He’s an eleven,” I admitted. “He probably shouldn’t be. The guy isn’t exactly known for monogamy.”

  “Has he looked at anyone since you’ve been together?”

  “No. He’s always made me feel like I’m the only one he notices.” My eyes slid shut. “But I don’t know how much of that was real and how much was just keeping me happy to make sure I wouldn’t leave before you got here. When I think of everything he did, how deep the plan went to get you on board, and then I think that maybe to him, I’m only a cog in that plan…I can’t breathe.”

  “I saw him with you, you’re not just a cog. Maybe you were at first, but the way he begged you? If you were just a part of his plan, he wouldn’t still be after you. Wilder never gets attached, he never begs, and he never apologizes—all of which he did for you. His plan worked. I’m here, and I’m going to stay.”

  “You’re willing to stay? You’re sure?” My voice pitched in excitement. She’d offered already, but I had to be certain.

  “Yeah. If you’re in, I’m in. Once upon a time I let Landon ruin me. I’m not letting him ruin this, too. If that means I have to duck him in the hallways, then fine.”

  I hugged her, careless of her suntan oil seeping into my shirt. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  Her arms closed around me. “Same here. I was kind of lost without you, and you were halfway across the world, getting lost.” She laughed.

  “Yeah, but as crazy as this sounds, I feel kind of found, too. And I know it was Paxton, pushing me, accepting me, loving me. Rach, what am I going to do?”

  “I can’t answer that. You’ve done pretty damn well on your own, and honestly, if I’d been here to start with, I would have done everything in my power to keep you away from Wilder, and look what a huge mistake that would have been. You know him in a way I never did, and you”—she gestured to my bare legs—“the changes he’s brought in you are amazing. I hated you being here without me, but I’m so glad it happened this way.”

  “Me, too,” I said. “I just don’t know how to trust him.”

  “That’s going to be something you have to decide. No one else—not even Wilder—can make that choice for you. But you and I both know how rare love is, and if you two have it, then fight for it. Figure out the rest as you go along.”

  “And don’t look where it’s taking us? What happens after this trip is over?”

  She smiled. “I kinda feel like it should take you to your bedroom, and then to the expo site. After that it’s all up to you.”

  “Bedroom?”

  She smiled and shrugged, then went back to sunbathing.

  I walked to my room and found a red package on the bed with red tissue paper and a red card. Subtle, Pax.

  My hands shook as I opened the card, ripping through the paper. It was from one of the tourist sites on Mykonos, with a glossy picture of the shoreline. When I opened it, my eyes prickled.

  “This is my endgame. You said you wanted to touch love, and you did. You do with every breath. I know I messed up. I know you don’t think you can trust me. But you wondered if you’d ever be able to let go and let someone lo
ve you… Let go, Leah, because I already do.”

  I closed the card and gently put it down on the bed before I unwrapped the frame inside the bag. It was the picture from Mykonos. When had he had it developed?

  My fingers traced our lines, my breath caught at not only the look on my face but on Paxton’s—the complete devotion I saw in his eyes as he held me above his head. A guy couldn’t fake that kind of look.

  Could he?

  I wanted to say no. Everything in my body cried out that he was real, that our love was genuine. But what if it wasn’t? What if I was making a fool out of myself, when I should be bailing, getting out of this relationship when I needed to?

  What if I hadn’t learned my lesson from Brian’s death, and I was still hanging on to something that I needed to run from—destined to break more and more the longer I stayed?

  But what if my fear was what I was clinging to, and Pax was the one I should be running toward?

  …

  I closed the door behind me and checked my watch. Practice was still going—I could make it. I would have been even faster, but I’d changed into pants and a breezy shirt so I didn’t stick out like a sore thumb here in Abu Dhabi.

  Paxton’s door opened, and my heart stuttered, even though I logically knew he was already at the expo site. Little John came out shaking his head until he saw me. “Oh thank God, Leah. Are you headed to the site?”

  “Yeah, I promised Penna I’d stop by.”

  “Good. Paxton is a wreck out there, all jumpy about damn near everything. Rebel’s bike broke, and it’s a hot mess. You’ll calm him down.”

  Don’t count on it. “You going back?”

  He nodded. “Yep, as soon as I can find Rebel’s pink bandana. She says it’s lucky or something, and I didn’t see it in her room.”

  “Where did she say it was?” I asked. I hadn’t seen it at our place, either.

  “In the purple backpack?” He looked at me for the answer.

  Luckily I had it. “That backpack is Brooke’s. I bet it’s in her room, not Penna’s. Do you have her key, too?”

  He nodded, and in a few seconds had her door open. “Do you mind?”