After dinner, Travis left to join friends. Lily and Ned insisted on helping Logan and Meg with cleanup, though Meg would have preferred to work with Logan and ease into the conversation they needed to have. Finally Meg washed the roasting pan and sighed with relief as Ned and Lily went to the living room.
Logan quickly dried the pan. “Do you feel like getting some fresh air?”
Meg jumped at the chance. “I’ll get my jacket.”
A few minutes later, they walked along the path in the backyard. A whippoorwill sang into the night. The stars, brilliant against the black sky, twinkled through the bare branches. So many changes in the past month. She could already feel the changes in her body, now that she was aware of what was happening.
“What’s wrong, Meg?” Logan’s tone was gentle, but also held that determination that was innately his to cut to the bottom line.
Stopping, she faced him, not knowing how to say it the best way. “I’m pregnant.”
Silence. The light from the back porch reached only far enough to cast shadows, but she could see Logan’s jaw tense. Finally, as hours seemed to pass, she heard him blow out a breath.
“Say it,” she said.
Still, he remained silent.
“Go ahead, Logan. Tell me how you feel…as if you’re in the middle of history repeating itself.”
“How do you feel?” he asked without responding to her statement.
She wasn’t sure what she expected, but this wasn’t it. Had she expected Logan to suddenly declare his undying love? Maybe she hadn’t expected it, but searching her heart, she had to admit that had been a hope. “I’m confused and scared. I just found out yesterday, so it hasn’t had time to sink in.”
“You don’t have to go through it alone.” There was sincerity in his voice, but distance, too.
Any hope she’d entertained about happily-ever-after wilted. She should have known better. She should have known she couldn’t count on anyone but herself. Despite Logan’s halfhearted promise of support, she knew she had to make decisions that were more than convenient—they had to be right for her and her baby. She’d never depended on anyone; she wasn’t about to start now.
“I won’t place any demands on you, Logan. I have to think about what’s best in the long run.”
He clasped her elbow. “Now, wait a minute. I’m this child’s father. Any decisions we make, we make together.”
She wished she could see his face in the shadows. “And what if my decisions don’t coincide with yours?”
“Dammit, Meg. You’ve just thrown me a hand grenade. Let me absorb this. I haven’t done such a great job of being a father to Travis, but I won’t let you cut me out.”
“You won’t let me? I’m the one who’s pregnant. I’m the one who will carry this child, decide where I want to raise it.”
“Where? You can’t be thinking about going back to D.C. and that life. Not with a baby.”
“I don’t know what I’m thinking about. But I do know that I’ll never for one moment let this child think it was an accident…or a mistake. I felt like that all my life. With or without you, I’m going to love this child every minute of every hour of every day.” Shivering, she suddenly felt cold from head to toe.
Logan slid his hand from her elbow to her fingers. “You’re cold. Let’s go inside.”
Pulling away from him, she said, “I haven’t told Lily yet, and I don’t intend to. At least, not right now. I don’t want her to worry. She doesn’t need the stress.”
“Meg, she knows you. She’ll be able to tell something is wrong.”
Meg’s teeth chattered, and she couldn’t seem to be able to do anything about it.
“Let’s go to my place. Travis won’t be home for a few hours. We’ll talk this through….”
Contrary to her usual opinion, talking wouldn’t help this. His first reaction had been the important one. It was obvious he wasn’t happy about her news. It was obvious he didn’t love her. “I think you should go home. Give us both time to sleep on it. I didn’t get any sleep last night, and my thoughts keep going around in circles.” One thought. She loved Logan. Logan didn’t love her.
“Are you sure that’s what you want?”
What she wanted and what she’d get were two different things. She loved Logan so much it hurt. Standing here, pretending her heart wasn’t breaking, was simply too difficult. “That’s what I want.”
They walked back to the house, not touching, not talking. When Logan left, he didn’t even kiss her goodnight. Her past experience had taught her that love hurt. But she’d never, ever imagined it could hurt this much.
Logan drove and drove, trying not to think, but most of all, trying not to feel. What he wanted to do was return to Meg to tell her he’d handled everything all wrong. He’d known it as soon as he’d walked away.
Yet he wasn’t sure how to handle it right!
Every instinct inside him had screamed, Take her in your arms. Ask her to marry you.
Another voice conflicted with instinct. The voice of the past reminded him of his mistakes, the tension, the heartache, of a marriage that didn’t succeed because he’d forced his opinion on Shelley. It reminded him that Travis had been hurt and was still feeling the effects of a marriage that hadn’t been strong enough.
And then there was Meg. A woman who was so damn strong and independent, she wouldn’t let anyone make decisions for her or tell her what to do. But God help him, he wanted her and he wanted this child! Marrying Meg would give him so much joy….
He pushed his foot down on the accelerator. What kind of marriage could they have if she wanted to return to her career? He couldn’t move to D.C. right now. He couldn’t uproot Travis again. They were finally finding each other.
Damn it all to—
Logan let up on the gas. He wanted to marry Meg. Period. Somehow he had to convince her that was what she wanted, too—him, a family and a life in Willow Valley. He wouldn’t stand by and let her waltz out of his life. Together they’d find a way through this. The right way.
Friday evening, the wash basket tilted over, and the clean laundry spilled onto the laundry-room floor. Meg stooped over and plopped it back in. She’d gone to the adoption agency this morning, hoping to keep herself distracted. But that had been a silly idea. There, couples wanting children and children needing parents surrounded her.
All day she’d been haunted by a familiar sadness she’d carried with her as a child. Then she’d think about the life inside her and experienced indescribable joy. Down…up. Up…down. What a day. And then trying to get through supper, pretending her life wasn’t in chaos…
Suddenly Meg heard footfalls in the kitchen. They didn’t belong to her aunt or uncle. If she could have fled, she would have. But the small room off the kitchen was a dead end, and she was trapped.
Logan stood in the doorway for a moment. But when she stooped to lift the wash basket, he moved. “Where do you want it?” He took it from her.
“Logan, it’s not that heavy….”
“Where do you want it?”
When his jaw tensed like that, there was no point in arguing. “On the kitchen table. I have to fold it.” She followed Logan to the kitchen.
He set the wash basket on the table, the lines around his mouth cutting deep as he said, “Let’s go to the movies.”
“What?”
“I want to take you out somewhere.”
Sometimes she really believed men and women were from totally different planets. “I don’t want to be taken out. If you’re not ready to talk about the things we need to talk about…”
“I’m ready, all right.” His eyes were the darkest green of a rain forest and just as impenetrable. “But I’m more worried about you. You’re pale. You seem tense. I thought maybe we could relax, then go get something to eat and talk then.”
“I don’t know, Logan.”
In a lightning-quick movement, he was before her clasping her shoulders. “We were friends before we were lov
ers, weren’t we?”
She wanted so much more than friendship and being lovers. She wanted the kind of love she’d witnessed between her aunt and uncle. Studying Logan’s face, loving him, she couldn’t stop hoping.
The movie theater, built in the strip shopping center with a large food store, jewelry store and a few smaller shops, didn’t seat many moviegoers. Several people who knew Logan stopped him to chat, and his good intentions for the evening were fast fading away. Meg was already withdrawn. Each acquaintance who stopped him, usually asking about Travis, pushed her further into her shell. All he wanted to do was kiss her and remind her of the feelings between them.
As soon as they took their seats in the theater, the previews began. Meg sat stiff and straight beside him. He took her hand and tucked it into the crook of his arm. When she didn’t pull away, he was relieved.
The movie was a comedy. He thought laughter would be a good icebreaker. But the shenanigans were slapstick, and he didn’t laugh. Neither did Meg. Yep, this had been a lousy idea.
As the theater emptied after the movie, Meg stood beside Logan. “I’m really not hungry.”
“Meg, you have to eat.”
“This isn’t a good time of day for me, Logan. I’d rather just go back to Lily’s and get a few crackers.”
He’d never even asked if she had morning sickness. “Fine. We’ll go back.” After they climbed in the car and headed to Lily’s, he asked, “Do you have morning sickness, too?”
“No. Just afternoons and sometimes in the evening.”
“Have you seen Doc?”
“Yes. So, I’m sure if that’s what you’re asking…”
“I didn’t doubt you. Shelley knew almost right away—”
“I guess she was a few steps ahead of me.”
He never should have brought up Shelley’s name. Damn, he was handling this badly. As he drove down the lane to the farm, he asked, “Did Doc give you vitamins?”
“Logan, I know how to take care of myself and my baby!”
Pulling to a stop, he switched off the ignition. “This is my baby, too.”
“I’m not about to forget.” She unsnapped her seat belt.
He unsnapped his. “Then why are you pushing me away?”
“I’m not pushing you away. I’m trying to make it clear that I’m an intelligent woman. I love this baby already and would never do anything detrimental to it or me!”
In the rays of the porch light, he could see her independence but also the shimmering vulnerability. Without a thought of the consequences or all the things they needed to discuss, he slipped his hand behind her head and caught her lips before she could say anything else.
She tried to pull away for an instant, but when his tongue eased into the corner of her mouth, she surrendered. Logan pushed between her lips, too frustrated by the wall she’d erected to use finesse. He felt his control slipping from the first stroke of his tongue on hers. She returned his desire by inviting him deeper. He thrust inside with a primal rhythm, symbolizing the union he truly wanted. He wanted to possess all of her, coax her to open to him, to need a future with him as much as he needed one with her.
He splayed his fingers into her silky brown hair, imagining their bodies uniting again in sweet harmony. She hadn’t buttoned her jacket. He needed more than kissing. When his hand slipped under her sweater, she moaned and pressed against his hand. He thrust his tongue against hers over and over, trying to show her how much he cared, how much he wanted this child…their child.
Her fingers clutching at his shoulders drove him on. He cupped her breast in his hand. It felt fuller. It felt…
He swore a blue streak in his mind. What in the name of good sense was he doing? Meg was pregnant with his child. This wouldn’t give them answers. In fact—
Tearing away, he tried to get control of his breathing and his thoughts.
“What’s the matter?” she asked in a soft voice.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t going to get us anywhere. It’s what got us into this mess.”
For those few moments when they’d been entangled in each other’s arms, the distance had faded away. Now it was back along with the night chill, which was getting frostier as each second ticked by. But even with Meg’s withdrawal, he didn’t expect her to suddenly throw open the car door and hop out.
Before he could reach for her, she said, “I thought we did have something to talk about. But I was wrong. I absolve you of this mess, Logan MacDonald. It’s my mess now. And probably the best way for me to handle it is to handle it alone.” She slammed the car door so hard it rattled, the echo surprising Logan almost as much as her words and her exit. By the time he’d climbed out, she’d already gone into the house and closed the door. He didn’t need gut instinct to tell him she wouldn’t open it again to him tonight.
When Meg sagged against the back door, her first sob broke loose. All she could do was wrap her arms around herself and let the tears fall.
Suddenly the light went on, and Lily stood in front of her. “Meg, honey. What’s wrong? Did you and Logan have a fight?”
“I’m pregnant, Aunt Lily. I thought I could handle this alone. I didn’t want to worry you.” Her tears felt hot on her cold cheeks, and she tried to brush them away, but they were falling too fast.
Her aunt wrapped her arms around her niece. “You don’t have to handle anything alone. Especially not this. What did Logan say?”
“He thinks it’s a mess. He doesn’t love me.”
“Did he say that?”
“He didn’t have to. When I first told him…he didn’t say anything. And then tonight… What is it about me? Mom and Dad couldn’t love me. Neither could Todd. And now Logan…”
Her aunt stroked Meg’s hair as she’d done when her niece was a child. “Unconditional love is a miracle. We can’t earn it, honey. It just is. You’ve known too few miracles in your life. But I do think Logan cares about you. Very much.”
Meg pulled away and swiped at her tears with her hand. She wouldn’t let a man, not even Logan, do this to her. Apparently he had wanted to play. He’d wanted sex. As attracted as they’d been to each other, they’d given in to their desires. Well, now, she was left with more than desire. Her heart hurt, but he’d given her a gift.
Just as long ago, she’d accepted her parents’ abandonment and found joy in her aunt and uncle’s love, so now she’d accept the fact that Logan’s passion was that and nothing else. Now she’d find joy in the child growing inside her. Her child would know the miracle of unconditional love.
“If Logan calls, I don’t want to talk to him.”
“Do you think that’s wise?”
“For now it’s the wisest thing I can do. I have decisions to make, Aunt Lily. I have to center my energy on them and the baby. So, please, if he calls, tell him I’m busy. I have to pull myself together before I can face him again.”
And as she had as far back as Meg could remember, Lily gave her niece unconditional love. “All right. But you will have to face him again—and soon. Knowing Logan, he won’t let you hide very long.”
“Don’t be so sure. He might want me to hide forever.”
Lily just shook her head and gave Meg another hug.
This time she didn’t pull away.
Chapter 13
Meg stood in the front yard and admired her uncle’s handiwork as he looped cedar garlands wrapped with twinkle lights across the front porch’s banister. Lily sat on the swing bundled in a corduroy coat, watching her husband, making sure he did it “right.” The pine cone wreath on the door Lily had made herself years ago. This year it wore a gold bow. After a hug for her aunt and a “good job” and a wink for her uncle, Meg went inside and hung her coat in the foyer closet, thinking about her day at the adoption center.
Her professional and personal interest in the job was becoming more involved. She enjoyed it—both the worthwhile feeling of accomplishment in placing children with loving families, and the people she worked with. It wouldn’t
be a stretch to imagine herself taking the position as liaison permanently. Yet, she didn’t know if that decision would solve problems or create more. Did she want to stay in Willow Valley if Logan didn’t love her? If he didn’t truly want this child?
After she fixed herself a mug of hot apple cider, she sat at the kitchen table, trying to think about something other than children and Logan. When the doorbell rang, she peeked out behind the kitchen curtain. No sheriff’s car. No navy sedan. During the past few days Logan had called several times. But she wasn’t answering the phone.
As Meg opened the back door, she didn’t find Logan, but rather his son. Travis had been dropping in twice a week for practice sessions, but she hadn’t seen him since Thanksgiving, two weeks ago.
“Hi. You busy?” he asked without his customary smile.
She wondered what, if anything, Logan had told him. “No. I just got home. Come on in.”
Shifting his backpack to the side, he lifted it off and set it on the table. “Did you and Dad have a fight?”
Before answering, she went to the cupboard and took out a glass. “It’s more complicated than a fight. I think you should ask your Dad.”
Travis, as well as Logan, had become comfortable at Lily and Ned’s house. The teenager pulled a carton of milk from the refrigerator. Seeing that it was skim, he turned up his nose and found the regular quart. “Dad’s been a bear. I don’t think he’d like a bunch of questions.” After he opened the carton, he didn’t pour. “Do you want me here? I mean, if you’re mad at him and you’d rather not do this…”
“Travis, I told you before. You and I can be friends no matter what happens with me and your dad.”
He studied her for a moment, then poured the milk. “It’s about you going back to Washington, isn’t it?”
“It’s about a lot of things.”
Travis pulled out a chair with his foot and sat at the table. “Dad and I have been getting along better. I mean, he still thinks he should run everything, but he’s not so…I don’t know. At least he doesn’t jump down my throat when I go out now.”
The Sheriff's Proposal (Men In Uniform) Page 17
